My family doesn't have meaningful conversations

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted this on the wrong topic thread as a response but got mixed up as to where I wanted to put it so I thought I would just ask this question in a new thread.

In my case with a UBPD mom and UBPD younger sister-conversations were basically very selfish. When they needed something or took issue with something I was doing"wrong" in my life--in other words to criticize or set the record straight-- they would want to have a "conversation".  My UBPD maternal grandmother this this too. That was the only time they were interested in having a  (one sided) conversation. And that would be a "conversation" attacking you of course.

Since they did not know how to handle their own anxiety ( they've always been codependant with each other and for the last 9 yrs are living with each other) they needed to wrangle someone else in to be the scapegoat to blame-that was my role. Once the blame was well and properly dished out they were releived of some of the anxiety  and happy--until of course the next time they would have some stress, and then the cycle would repeat.

But as for mutually loving or encouraging conversations, or conversations about life and our observations about it--they did not ever exist. Not with each other nor with anyone else it seems. They do not have deep and lasting friendships--and of course that is where you share conversations--with someone who is interested in how you think and what you think and visa versa.

AFM my BPD family members were/are not very enlightened people with nuanced thought processes. They are so busy defending/being in endless cycles of conflict/keeping account of the slights and mistreatments done to them by others-they don't have any energy or time  or loving positivity left to wonder in awe at the beauty of the world around them and want to share that with the ones they love.

It is very unfortunate b/c I have seen glimmers of the good hearted people they are inside if even just for fleeting moments. Too bad they are encaged by the prison that is BPD.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

I posted this on the wrong topic thread as a response but got mixed up as to where I wanted to put it so I thought I would just ask this question in a new thread.

In my case with a UBPD mom and UBPD younger sister-conversations were basically very selfish. When they needed something or took issue with something I was doing"wrong" in my life--in other words to criticize or set the record straight-- they would want to have a "conversation".  My UBPD maternal grandmother this this too. That was the only time they were interested in having a  (one sided) conversation. And that would be a "conversation" attacking you of course.

Since they did not know how to handle their own anxiety ( they've always been codependant with each other and for the last 9 yrs are living with each other) they needed to wrangle someone else in to be the scapegoat to blame-that was my role. Once the blame was well and properly dished out they were releived of some of the anxiety  and happy--until of course the next time they would have some stress, and then the cycle would repeat.

But as for mutually loving or encouraging conversations, or conversations about life and our observations about it--they did not ever exist. Not with each other nor with anyone else it seems. They do not have deep and lasting friendships--and of course that is where you share conversations--with someone who is interested in how you think and what you think and visa versa.

AFM my BPD family members were/are not very enlightened people with nuanced thought processes. They are so busy defending/being in endless cycles of conflict/keeping account of the slights and mistreatments done to them by others-they don't have any energy or time  or loving positivity left to wonder in awe at the beauty of the world around them and want to share that with the ones they love.

It is very unfortunate b/c I have seen glimmers of the good hearted people they are inside if even just for fleeting moments. Too bad they are encaged by the prison that is BPD.

[jdtm]

Do BPD's have real conversations?

Hmmm  ... .probably not (just my experience speaking here).  But, then as a non, I am biased ... .

[mapys]

Hard to say about meaningful conversations. I can't/ couldn't hold a conversation about something that interested me because the base of knowledge for my uBPDgf and her (I suspect) BPD parents was very little. Any conversations about politics, foreign matters, science-they just vanished within 20 seconds. I suspect thats because they didn't have anything meaningful to say or didn't want for me to find that out - I don't know.

But If I think hard - I have had conversations with my gf that didn't directly involve me or her but still it would have some twist in it that it would go sideways and end up with us barking at each other. She advocated that she likes nature soo soo much, it gives her a charge but at the same time she so many times told that nature exhausted her. Flowers - in words she loves flowers but in practice - she can't even remember to water her houseplants.

I guess they are very good writers - but when it comes to actions and real world observations - not so much... .

[NeedHelpPls]

I guess they are very good writers - but when it comes to actions and real world observations - not so much... .

I feel like you and I dated the same person... .Oh how I fell in love with her words, and how I longed for her to follow up with actions but never happened... .

[HappyChappy]

Very interesting question. Never had a real conversation with my uBPD mom. But then, you had to be so careful what you told her. Any conversation was normally projected back accusingly at you. Jeffery Archer is considered to have BPD and he’s a Politician and Author. So able to tell a story – that doesn’t mean he’s interested in anyone else through.

I’ve noticed with two NPD people I know (one’s my bro) that there is an eerie, vacuous reception to attempts at real conversation. As if something inside their head isn’t clicking, when you’d expect it too. I guess the theory is that they aren’t interested in conversations that don’t lead directly to narcisstic supply. My NPD bro for example has lived abroad and when you ask him about items in the news relating to where he lives, he’s blank. No interest at all. He hasn’t even learnt a single word of the language. There was a massive demonstration in the City he lived on the news in our country, he was completely unaware it happened.

I have only ever know 5 people well, whom I can say with any certainty have a Personality disorder, so it’s not a survey. But this eerie vacuous reception to gossip or current affairs – anyone else get that?

[aubin]

My uBPD sister is incapable of having a real conversation or discussing anything that isn't frivolous or superficial or gossipy. I think this habit stems from insecurity. Many pwBPD present a false self because they don't have a stable core self. Having a real conversation means expressing opinions that reflect core beliefs and values. But if someone doesn't have core values or their core values are unstable and in constant flux, then it makes sense that having a conversation of substance would be very difficult. Also, the pwBPD may fear being "discovered" as false through the conversation. My BPDexgf explicitly expressed this fear. She hated talking to people (beyond small talk) because she feared they would figure out that she wasn't as smart, as traveled, as whatever she felt she should be. In reality, my friends just found her a bit odd because she wouldn't talk.

[js friend]

In my experience udd19 and udexh arent interested in having "real because they dont value others opinions.They are good at telling others what they want and need though.

Also real converstations can and often do bring up differences in opinions,so they are not interested in discussing them. A differenence in opinion can in my experience  lead to them both reacting  badly in a way  that they respond as if they are personally being criticised or attacked

They also both think that they are always right so i get the idea they think "I dont care what you have to say so why bother asking others opinions or having a conversation with you if it is only to pass time"

[Gerda]

I remember some conversations I've had with my mom that weren't exactly what I'd call "superficial", but if we were going to have some sort of deep philosophical conversation about how the world is, it's always about how HORRIBLE the world is.

The bad thing is I used to get sucked into them, and we used to try to one-up each other on how dark we could go. She'd always beat me, of course, because I'm a naive kid.

The closest I ever came to suicide is when I was 17 and was already depressed, then I had this long conversation with my mom about how she doesn't understand why everyone doesn't just kill themselves. She finally concluded that it's because they're afraid of death and burning in Hell, but since she's an atheist, she's smart enough to know that there's no such thing as Hell.

Well, I was convinced, and that night I started writing my suicide note. Luckily I didn't get farther than that before I chickened out. Then I felt bad about myself for years after that because I chickened out.

We've also had long conversations about things like how men are incapable of love and only use women for sexual gratification, how you can't trust anyone because everyone is only out for themselves, and how American society is coming close to collapse (when I was unemployed for several months, instead of trying to be encouraging, she said, "I'm so sorry, if I had known 30 years ago that you'd end up like this, I never would have given birth to you." OK, so I can't find a job, so my entire existence wasn't worth it. Gee, thanks Mom.)

And then she says that the reason I'm clinically depressed is because of random genetics and has nothing to do with how I was raised.