normal behavior?

[hurting300]

Guys is it normal for a BPD person (female) after almost two years together to suddenly disappear off the face of the freaking earth? She took our baby also! Won't answer my calls or texts, deactivated her Facebook, it's been two months and not one word! I'm getting very angry about it. Everything was great the day she left. Had sex, she washed my clothes then vanishes. But she's been driving by my house but still no calls. Is this typically what they do? I was catching her in lies before this happened by the way.

[BlondeRunner]

Hello Hurting,

What a dreadful situation. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Right now it doesn't matter whether it's "normal" behaviour or not. It is undoubtedly unacceptable. What is your legal position with regard to your baby? Access to your baby is the main thing here.

BR xx

[Blimblam]

WOW that is terrible!

[mitti]

Hi hurting300,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. It's awful.

I don't know about normal - nothing feels normal in a BPD r/s - but it seems to have happened to many of us here. My uBPDxbf has done similar things to me more than once, of course we didn't have a baby so the pain and panic is obviously not the same but his behaviour was.

He once after we had had a nice evening together cut me out of his life without warning. I kissed him goodbye at the door, walked 5 minutes to my house and when I called him about something that I had forgotten when I had got home, he refused to pick up. For 3 months he never responded to anything or opened the door. He cut me out of his life completely. We did get back together 7 months after this. We had been together for 2 years when this happened.

Have you spoken to the police and I agree with BlondeRunner that access to your baby is the main thing here?

[hurting300]

I totally agree that is the main thing to find the baby. But we have no idea where she is.

[mitti]

Have you been in touch with her family or friends?

[thicker skin]

Hurting... .

Normally, the only reason a healthy woman would leave a man in such a way, was if she felt she had no choice and was protecting herself and child.

I don't want to point the finger, but as an opener, I guess I have to remain unbiased and ask if there's been any violence or dangerous situations? I hate to ask for fear of offending you, but it's extreme what she's done and it's important to ensure that her reasons aren't valid.

Personally, I can't be doing with women who stop access to dads... . Kids need to form a relationship with both parents and if they aren't mature enough to understand the kids needs there, I don't think they're good mums.

Even when there is a concern about children's welfare, a contact centre is still an option. Only if it is deemed detrimental to the children, should a father be denied the right to see his kids.

Sorry to throw this one out there... . I hope you understand 

[hurting300]

Lol no it's ok. Yes we fought because she wouldn't work and she lied too about every little thing.

[hurting300]

She fits the BPD requirements. She has raged once at me. Her own mother couldn't live with her. I love this woman. But my gut always told me not to trust her. She would hide things from and be secretive. She claims to have been raped twice. She simply was lazy also. We made love and talked about the future the day she left. Plus she's driving by my house but still no contact.

[thicker skin]

Hey Hurting 

I've been thinking about your reply... .

I've got a couple of conclusions and thought I'd throw them your way. It's your choice to pick it up and give it some thought, or toss it to one side... . Just my thoughts, so here goes.

Are you both quite young, say early 20s, got together and became parents quite quickly? The responsibilities and changes can be hard for both people to adapt to. All of a sudden, there is this little person who demands great swathes of time and can be quite expensive! Life comes into very sharp focus with little sleep, bills coming out of your ears and nappies overflowing.

I've got 3 kids... . And I worked what is commonly a mans job, in construction, but fitted it around my family, with the help of my family, if you catch my drift.

Having done both sides of the coin, I can put my hand on my heart and say that raising kids is harder than going to work. I can also say that a few men resented their women, because they thought that being at home with the kids was a holiday. For some strange reason, not being paid, made the job of parenting less important than the salaried position. Many a time, I'd wanted to take a burly builder, give him a baby or toddler, a Charm, washing machine, bag of groceries and place them in a house for a month, with a to do list as long as his arm. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they'd have been climbing the walls and begging to go back to work in no time flat.

I salvaged and improved a number of marriages by giving my perspective and enabling the men to go home and appreciate their wives efforts. They wanted to be respected for bringing home the bacon, they also needed to respect that someone had to cook it. That's how teams operated and each needed to feel valued and loved for their 50%

Finding this balance and learning to see each other's contribution is very, very hard when you both feel you're giving the lions share.

I'd have many days when the kids were small, when I'd look at the house and think " I haven't stopped all day, but it still looks like a bomb has gone off" I was exhausted, one day felt much the same as the last and I couldn't even take a bath or predict my next meal, without a small person needing something NOW from me! Remembering my own name was difficult... . Coming to terms with the changes in my body and lifestyle was a whole other thread!

I guess what I'm saying, is that your babies mum is not necessarily BPD because of one rage, or because two adult women couldn't get along under the same roof ( I LOVE my mum, but I couldn't live with her... . Two hens in one nest ) and that maybe you two got lost in early parenthood, perhaps with a bit of postnatal depression and couldn't see each other for the equal weights you carried.

That's my two pennies worth. It comes from a good place. You each came with expectations but perhaps didn't voice them before having a baby, or maybe the baby changed your lives in such a way that your priorities shifted?

[hurting300]

No I'm 33 and she is 28, she is very passive aggressive, and I do believe she has a mental condition no normal person behaves the way she does. I'll admit I have made mistakes but there is no excuse for what she put me thru. Both her and her mother have changed their names moved from city to city, I found out my ex has a train wreck of bad relationships behind her. And I don't think a true loving mother would kick out her pregnant daughter unless she simply couldn't handle her. And my therapist said most likely she is quite borderline.

[thicker skin]

What a shocking track history... .

I apologise Hurting.

Have you taken legal advise? I'd be very concerned for the stability of my child and quite frankly, pulling my hair out. If she's driving by your place, she must still be reasonably local. Did you have any mutual friends whom she might still be in touch with or has she gone completely underground?

I feel for you. Not wishing to be with someone is one thing, preventing a child from knowing its father and all the repercussions that that brings, is really bad and selfish parenting.

Her own mother sounds like a poor role model.

[hurting300]

Honestly, she kept her friends a secret. Mostly men. The few girls she knew, she trashed talked about me. They told me everything she said. I have no way of knowing anything. I've cried and prayed every day. And yes I have a lawyer. And I do respect what you are saying.

[thicker skin]

I'm not religious in a set way, though I do have faith. To cover all bases, I'll pray to all Gods for you.

Don't give up. Don't leave any stone unturned and most importantly, don't neglect yourself. You know the drill... . Eat even if you don't feel like it, try to get some rest and keep posting.

You'd think a woman with horns and a tail would be easy to spot, wouldn't you?

[hurting300]

She's ice cold. She flipped like a switch. I'm still in shock. To just come home to a disappearance. All I do is look at her last text messages... it seemed perfect.

[thicker skin]

That happened to a really good friend of mine. He was a top bloke and he came home from work to find the house stripped bare and birth daughters gone with 'her'. She left him a sleeping bag. He just sat, bewildered with his head in his hands for months and he was the soundest, easiest going chap on the planet before she destroyed his world without warning. He's sadly no longer with us, but it did work out very well in the end.

The 'place' you're in is normal, under the circumstances. Your world has turned upside down. I can't imagine you can think about much else.

Peace, light and love to you TS

[hurting300]

What could the drive by's mean?

[thicker skin]

That's a job to say, really, as I'm not her. There are a number of options.

She could be curious... . Checking if you're still there, at work, or moving on?

She might just want a look at her old home. I really don't know. I wish I could help.

[hurting300]

Me either... but honestly she's driving out of her way to just drive by. Plus she don't even work so I don't get it.