My BPDw verbally attacks others, but plays the "poor me" role

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw and her siblings were verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by their mother when they were younger. Indeed, the things that their mother did were horrible and inexcusable. Throughout the years, she has mellowed out, has given a lot to all of her siblings, and will only complain about her health.

About 6 years ago, she was diagnosed with colon cancer and had chemo as a result for a while; however, the side effects were so bad, that she decided to stop. Since then, she has been pretty healthy, up until the last couple of days. In fact, her son has taken her to the ER for examination today in order to see what is going on with her.

My BPDw, being the oldest, now is verbally attacking her not to her face but to me, instead. She has said: "Oh, well! After all of her negativity, this is what she gets!" Obviously, my BPDw doesn't show any sympathy and hasn't forgiven her mother. While one can't necessarily blame her, this doesn't necessarily help her mother who needs help. In turn, I have stepped up to the plate to help by wanting to help, instead, along with some of the other siblings. By the way, my BPDw freely criticizes others, but not to their face as well.

In the meantime, my BPDw plays the "poor me" role, complaining about this and that.

So, comparing my BPDw and her mother, they both verbally attack, they both complain, and they both play the "poor me" role, with no possibility of forgiveness.

I guess for them it is better not to forgive and not to make up. Then, they have something they can live for, instead.

In the meantime, I listen to what she says, but where there is life, there is hope.

I am realistic to know that people make mistakes, but they can apologize in their own ways in order to rectify things and to improve their lives and the lives of others. Nevertheless, my BPDw doesn't have that ability, even though she has had over 10 years of therapy.

I guess what I am asking is the following: Will our BPDs ever find peace in their own hearts? Will they ever realize that they too are human and that they too can and will make mistakes? Will they ever forgive, or is that their way of life in order to live?

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[an0ught]

Hi Samuel S.

looks like others are now at the receiving end of her wrath and not only you. This is good news in some sense as it means there is less need for her to dump her emotions on you. It may be a sign that the hard work on boundaries is having an effect.

Now that you can see it more from a third party vantage point it is disheartening to see so much projection of emotions fueled by b&w thinking.

Of course the best would be therapy for her. It would be important for her to move to less judgmental thinking as this type of thinking is equally applied by her to herself and is eating at her inside. Which drives all the need to project then her overexcited emotions on others.

What can you do?

1) Validate a lot. There are different types of validation. You will find this post useful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation.msg810293#msg810293 describing different levels of validation.

2) Adopt  a dialectical thinking and talking. The world is black and white. Such a thinking is better understood than saying the world is grey.

3) Support healthier coping mechanisms.

4) directly addressing the judgmental thinking is going to be invalidating and invite blow-back so go careful here. Keep in mind that her projection is at the moment a key mechanism for her own emotional balance. Depending on her ability to self reflect and accept you may find very, very rarely an opportunity to observe her statement (not her(!)) being a hard judgment, not balanced etc... It is a bit of a dilemma as it is invalidating the invalid but is also invalidating a key coping mechanism she still needs.

5) Find value in her judgment. While it may be way too harsh there still may be valuable observations by her there. If it is valued and validated there is less need for it to be so loud and harsh. It is now important for her to feel understood by you to rebuild in a healthy manner some of the link that had been weakened through boundaries. The playing "poor me" is a loud call for validation. Validate the valid here and ignore the self pity.