Guilt vs Stress

[grover11]

I was thinking last night while I was alone feeling some guilt over leaving and I realized that I will take the guilt over the stress of staying. The guilt will fade but I am realizing just how much the stress was constant.

[Red Sky]

I know the feeling. The guilt fades, I think, with your knowledge of the disorder, and the knowledge that no matter what you couldn't have helped them. What we call FOG, fear obligation and guilt, is totally characteristic for SOs of people with BPD and is part of what we have to overcome to leave... .

I was like you, I knew I couldn't take the constant guilt trips from her that meant I had to be available 24/7. As s

[Lucky Jim]

Hey grover, guilt is just one prong of FOG, all of which are forms of manipulation.  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation, so you have to be careful to separate out your feelings from what your Ex has projected on you in terms of guilt.  In my view, most Nons take on way too much guilt in a BPD r/s, but that's part of the dynamic in most cases.  Hang in there and be grateful that your stress level has been lowered.  LuckyJim

[charred]

The stress of being in a BPD r/s can be intense... I had hives, couldn't sleep and was so tightly wound up I thought I might keel over. Mindfulness dropped the stress level about 95% within a few weeks... . and staying in the present helped in dealing with my pwBPD. We broke up (I ended it eventually)... as it became clear that she could not stay in the moment... . everything was manipulative or hysterical or in some way a push/pull.

The FOG was used to push/pull a lot, but keeping things in the current/present helped to deal with it. I felt some guilt, but most of it was for having left my wife for a pwBPD, and having ended a marriage and its effect on my daughter. Guilt is part of FOG, but it is also a sign of taking some responsibility... you feel guilt for something you did... it is part regret and part feeling bad about having done it, like it was beneath you to have done something like that. Guilt goes away quick if you address the source... . I have been there for my kid ever since the breakup, she lives with me now and I am doing right by her.

The other thing like guilt in a way is shame, but it is a feeling based on being bad or not worthy in some way, but it is who and what you are... . not what you did. Been told there is a lot of shame in a pwBPD... . from developmental failures and other sources... . guilt is a much healthier thing, it can help motivate you to do the right thing... . but only when it is not part of some manipulation agenda.

Stress is the source of so much trouble... a little bit of stress can help you bear down (like work hard because you don't want to lose your job)... but as the stress level gets greater, we function worse and worse.  Laurel Mellin has a great book on stress... "Wired for Joy"... and points out 5 different levels of stress ... Joy is no stress, living in the moment, in what is known as flow time... it is great and is given a 1, To really be intimate with someone you can have a little stress, but it works best to be at the 1 level. The levels are interesting, at a 5 (the worse)... she says we are operating completely in the reptilian brain, and act like it... . attack anything that moves, fight or flight responses, irrational, etc... and slightly above a 5 at the 4 level is a mix of mammalian brain and reptile... . so you have strong negative feelings mixed with a reptile like coldness and survival at all costs mentality. When someone with BPD is acting out... it clearly is level 4 and 5 behavior. At best they make it to a 3 in the stress levels... which is pretty much all emotional functioning... and still what is below the level necessary for intimacy or being a good friend.

Reducing stress improves our functioning... has health benefits and makes you feel much better. I miss the artificial high's of the BPD r/s a bit... . but not the abuse or stress. Give mindfulness a try, relax a lot and then look in to "Wired for Joy" and her book on getting your stress level down... which is oddly named "The Pathway"... . but it is helpful.