Tempted to break NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I've been NC for 6 weeks after breaking it off after a 3 month R/S. In that time I've started T to deal with what I've identified as my own issues. It's been enlightening to identify my own problems that I brought to the table.

I know that a R/S is not possible for me with this girl.

I'm ashamed to say I have been monitoring her FB and have seen two prospective replacements come and go (I'm no longer friends but just  reading between the lines from profile pic comments).

I'm tempted to reach out as a friend and let her know I understand so much more now, I just know she is in pain right now.

It's not about rekindling a R\S, I know that's not possible, it's about being a decent human being and providing understanding to someone in need. I believe she has been dx, is self aware and is currently in T.

I never saw her rage but after a few crazy making episodes I was out.

When we broke up she apologised for pushing me away, she took ownership and told me she was broken which is contrary to most I've read about.

It's killing me to know someone I cared so much for is in pain right now.

She lives 5mins away and I feel like knocking on the door, holding her and telling her I understand.

I have no doubt she has BPD but I guess I worry that my perspective has been tainted from what I've read here and elsewhere.

I still feel like I can help. Suggestions?

       

   

[Sgt Biggs]

Hi All,

I've been NC for 6 weeks after breaking it off after a 3 month R/S. In that time I've started T to deal with what I've identified as my own issues. It's been enlightening to identify my own problems that I brought to the table.

I know that a R/S is not possible for me with this girl.

I'm ashamed to say I have been monitoring her FB and have seen two prospective replacements come and go (I'm no longer friends but just  reading between the lines from profile pic comments).

I'm tempted to reach out as a friend and let her know I understand so much more now, I just know she is in pain right now.

It's not about rekindling a R\S, I know that's not possible, it's about being a decent human being and providing understanding to someone in need. I believe she has been dx, is self aware and is currently in T.

I never saw her rage but after a few crazy making episodes I was out.

When we broke up she apologised for pushing me away, she took ownership and told me she was broken which is contrary to most I've read about.

It's killing me to know someone I cared so much for is in pain right now.

She lives 5mins away and I feel like knocking on the door, holding her and telling her I understand.

I have no doubt she has BPD but I guess I worry that my perspective has been tainted from what I've read here and elsewhere.

I still feel like I can help. Suggestions?

       

   

[patientandclear]

It is highly unlikely she will appreciate your help, or that her emotions are what you expect. BPD untreated involves a great deal of projection, denial and rationalization. Treatment is protracted and difficult. Even if someone wBPD has moments of insight, it is highly unlikely that their defenses are allowing them to "walk around in pain" for long.

Also, it's useful to flip the scenario and see how condescended to and patronized you might feel if the tables were turned and she decided you were sick and messed up and that ruined everything. In general, humans don't like to be told how they're feeling or what's wrong with them by someone who presumes to be a lay expert on what's going on with them.

That doesn't mean she might not appreciate your friendship, but probably on topics other than how messed up she is. My ex, with whom I was friends for quite a while post breakup, was ultra sensitive to any suggestion that he was hurt or flawed or needed to change or be fixed, and that is very common. If you're going to try to be friends, go in without an agenda and without thinking you know what she feels, and listen. You might read about validation on the Staying board too.

Despite my clarity when I went back in, much like yours, my friendship with my ex became quasi romantic and ended painfully, so I'm not necessarily recommending this, but if you try, really be a friend, not a rescuer.

[Sgt Biggs]

Thank you for taking the time to respond PAC.

I really thought I was beginning to get over this but occasionally I still find I'm having these moments of weakness.

Despite how much I've learnt I guess I'm stuck on assuming she's feeling similar to me about what we shared and lost.

I still can't comprehend why this is so hard. 

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for taking the time to respond PAC.

I really thought I was beginning to get over this but occasionally I still find I'm having these moments of weakness.

Despite how much I've learnt I guess I'm stuck on assuming she's feeling similar to me about what we shared and lost.

I still can't comprehend why this is so hard. 

Hello SgtBiggs,  have you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck ?

I printed this, carried it with me, and would read and re-read until it sunk in.  Sometimes I'd even take a belief and e-mail myself a note to self about it.

[Blimblam]

patientandclear brings up good points.  I've seen mine break through all the layers right down to the lost child. She doesn't remember any of it.  The disorder "protects" them from those parts of themselves.  Your role was to distract them from it like a dancing monkey being puppeteered by the disorder.  As soon as you remind them of that part of themselves they hide from, you will be painted black.  They don't really want to be saved its just part of the pattern.  They are survivors.  

I myself broke NC but I don't really have much attachement to it.  I know to her it just means I'm still in her pocket.  It might get me laid at some point who knows.  Looking to her for answers will only dig you deeper into the hole.   You will be replaced.  The prettier she is the sooner it will be.  She probably has back ups on them too.