How to handle the situation

[3 children]

Very new to this.  When my wife goes into what I call "crisis mode" she will lock herself in the bedroom.   My youngest (5 year old boy) will knock and knock with no response.  My therapist has told me this is very damaging to kids when their moms do this.  She will send me texts while she is in there.  Criticizing me telling me I don't care about anyone or anything but myself.  When I don't respond the way she wants she takes it to the next level saying things like. "What if I were overdosed in here? How long would it take you to find out"  (that is a word for word text from 10 min ago).  This goes on and on.  Sometimes ends up in the ER from cutting or drinking and taking pills.  The last month or two I have reached a point where I won't even respond to the manipulation and I think she has realized she can't use it with me anymore so she panics with feeling a lose of control.   I am still undecided and hopeful

probably to a flaw.  I feel deep down that I should end it but have fought it because of our kids.  What do I do know?  How do I handle these situations?  Constantly trying to shield my children from this is getting very exhausting and it can only be hidden to a point now.   help!   I'm so tired!

[woodsposse]

 

Welcome to this safe place for you.  Here you can know that members here know exactly how you feel and I, personally, know exactly what you are going through as I too have gone through what you are going through almost word for word.  I share this with you so you know you are not alone.

The chaos that you are living through is not a great thing for yourself or your child.  There are great members to read posts from and other information here which may help lift some of the FOG around you and hopefully get you to a place where you can think a little clearer so you can do something to protect yourself and your family.

Is your wife diagnosed?  And more importantly are there things you can do to keep yourself and your child as safe as possible while you gather the support you need?

Keep reading and posting and know you are surrounded now with people who understand.

[3 children]

No my wife has not been diagnosed and I'm almost positive it will never make it to that.  She has actually brought it up about herself probably 4 times in our marriage.  But when she is in this state there is no mention of it or there will be hell to pay. 

I really started to research it a few months back and have had clarity about the situation like I never have.   Everything finally made since from the first few months we were married all the way to present (15 years).  We started to see a therapist again together that we had seen before.  After about 4 weeks together he asked my wife if she was okay with him and I meeting alone for a while.   Of course I was nervous about the following week even though I was pretty sure what he was going to say. (And I was right). He told me I have to get to a place where I am no longer defensive when I'm being attacked.  That I needed to have confidence in what I was feeling.   And that when I get that back (after being stripped of it 15 years ago) I would have to make the decision if there was room in my life for what my wife had.  He has been very hesitant to use Bpd but he made it clear that he thought there was little hope for change in my wife's life.  Obviously very defensive and offensive in therapy with no talk of actual compromise or amends.  Looking back she has always blamed me for everything in counseling as we bounced from counselor to counselor before they could get a good picture of the whole situation.  Of course my wife knows nothing of what was Said, if so I know I wouldn't be at home now.  Even though most of me wants to be gone now.

As far as a support system. I have slowly tried to set one up. Met lots of people dealing or that have dealt with the same issues.  And now I am here.   The more I know the stronger I feel.  I just worry for my kids.   I cry regularly over it.   And feel figuring out how to handle this with them is the final key.   I don't think I can do it anymore.  I love my wife dearly and can no longer hear what a horrible person I am.  I am not everything she says.  The things she tells me would make most people sick to their stomach, and add the manipulation and everyone here knows it's enough to make you think your crazy.  (Which she also constantly tells me I am).

My wife had a gut wrenching childhood filled with abandonment, sexual abuse, rape, and throw in a very controlling emotionally abusive mother.   Amongst many many other issues.

Sorry for dragging this post out.  I have 15 years of this bottles up and the more I open up the more I want to.  Thanks to all those who read.  Feels so good to know I'm not alone.

[woodsposse]

 

When I first found this site and read posts of members who, in their words, were telling my life story almost down to the letter - I felt a great sense of relief.  Everything made sense and I could finally start to talk about what I was going through and know that others understood it.  It also helped validate me and my experiences - and helped me understand that I wasn't going crazy. 

I mean... . yes, I have my own issues that I wanted to (and needed to) work through - but the overall chaos and irrational everything I was going through with my wife was just over the top and I couldn't make heads or tails of it.  Like you, I was blamed for everything - even when I know I wasn't doing or saying the things she was saying... . I was still wrong.  And after years and years of that (and then to have the relationship rupture so badly) you do tend to think you really are the problem or are a bit off your rocker.

So being able to read someone else's story which was my story (and sometimes even down to the language someone else used to describe their experiences being the exact same language I would use) helped me realiaze it was more than I thought it was. 

BPD is a very serious illness.  Unfortunately some doctors won't come right out and diagnose it... . but that is a little besides the point at this point.  The behavior, roller coaster ride, illogical and irrational everything which is part of a r/s with someone with a PD is undeniable.

Oh... . and when I first got here, my posts were LONG LONG LONG!  I sometimes stitll blabber on and on because it is a great way to process what is on my head and just to "get it out there" is a wonderful thing.  I say that to say this... . write to your hearts content.  We are all here to support each other - and this is a great way to help get to a point of stability so you can start a healing process as well.

I would suggest, if you hadn't read it already, check out the links on the right just to get a firmer background understanding of what the illness is... . what it looks like... . and some initial things you can do to focus a little more on yourself (ways to help you protect your head and heart).   It's like putting on the oxygen mask on a plane.  You want to put yours on before you help others... . you can't help others if you can't breath.  So click... . read... . and breath again.

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

[3 children]

I will continue to read and post and read and maybe cry here and there.  I haven't for so long.  Nothing like a good cry.   I have fought back tears for years after being told I used it to manipulate.   Oh hell,   When all this began I had no idea what was going on I just knew it was wrong. 

Thanks for the advice and the listening.  I have already read the suggested material... . thanks. Oh what I would give to have my wife listen to me and actually hear me.  How sad (and amazing) is it that thousands of strangers are here listening to each other when the one person we want it from most isn't capable.  My wife is in the stage where I don't even get a morsel from the table.   I'm glad I found this.   The world doesn't feel so lonely tonight.   I think my wife senses she doesn't have complete control over me anymore and is panicking.  My heart breaks for her.   I can't imagine how she must feel.  All that aside it's my time now.  I will be good one way or another.

[Fanie]

Stay with us

We are with you

May God Bless

Its tough  we know

Keep posting & reading

[Littleleft]

Just want to say hi 3 children 

And I'm glad you've found this site.  The information you'll find here is vey useful and the people are very knowledgeable and supporting.  We know what you're going through and are here to listen 

[Forestaken]

I will continue to read and post and read and maybe cry here and there.  I haven't for so long.  Nothing like a good cry.   I have fought back tears for years after being told I used it to manipulate.   Oh hell,   When all this began I had no idea what was going on I just knew it was wrong. 

Thanks for the advice and the listening.  I have already read the suggested material... . thanks. Oh what I would give to have my wife listen to me and actually hear me.  How sad (and amazing) is it that thousands of strangers are here listening to each other when the one person we want it from most isn't capable.  My wife is in the stage where I don't even get a morsel from the table.   I'm glad I found this.   The world doesn't feel so lonely tonight.   I think my wife senses she doesn't have complete control over me anymore and is panicking.  My heart breaks for her.   I can't imagine how she must feel.  All that aside it's my time now.  I will be good one way or another.

3 Children: A sad club to be in, but we're here for you.  And believe me, if there is any place where you are understood 100% it is here.

My story: Married 24 years to a uBPD+dOCDw, divorced 1 month. 2 kids now S24 & D19, lived through hell with a phyiscally, verbally, finanically and emotionally abuse. 

Please know We have cried a river of tears.  You'll get through it but your path is your decision.  Have a question? Want to vent? Do it here!

[3 children]

Thank you all. 

[OutOfEgypt]

That is awful.  I would tell you to "pack your #$ and go, saving yourself and your kids", but I know that it really won't do any good.  You are the only one who can make that decision, and do it with resolve, when you are ready to.

We know intuitively that these people damage our children.  Yet we stay for a myriad of reasons.  We feel stuck choosing between two terrible options.  Both leaving and staying have such negative outlooks.  But if your kids are young still, leaving will not impact them as much as if you wait, and you gain the ability to ensure that they will live in a safe and loving and validating household that doesn't revolve all around mommy, who acts like a spoiled three-year-old on drugs.

You do realize that everything your wife was saying is projection, right?  Time to let truth reign in your household, my friend.  Their behavior is all about shrouding the truth.  Time to let the light back in.

I have a fourteen year old daughter, and teenage girls often act in overly dramatic ways that can be... . well... . kinda self-absorbed.  So... . not too far off from someone with BPD behavior in some ways (all of us can act like that, by the way... . just using my daughter as an example).  So what should a good daddy do when his daughter is acting like a self-absorbed drama queen?  (maybe you already know if you have older children?)  Well, what you do is you sense out what its all about without indulging and reinforcing the bad behavior, you empathize with her as a person, and you confront with truth.  My daughter *needs* her daddy to gently put her in her place and reflect truth and reality to her.  She *doesn't* need her daddy to indulge her pity-party, though she may want me to.  So, if my daughter was doing that, and threatening self-harm, I would probably call the police on her.  If she was just locking herself away and telling me what a terrible, selfish person I am, I would gently tell her, "I don't know why you are so upset, and I love you.  But you are acting very selfishly right now, so I'm going to leave for a while and come back when you are calm."  And I would leave.  I would not answer any text messages.  And then later, when she was calm, I would ask her to tell me what set her off.  After listening, I would confront lies with truth (for example, "But the one who was only caring about themself was you, not me"... . gently, but still.  And if she tried to argue with me, I would not argue.  I'd stand in the truth, knowing that it doesn't need to be argued or justified or proven.  It is self-evident.  Or if she sent me lots of nasty text messages, I would read them to her so that she can see a reflection of how she was acting.

Of course, the big difference is that my daughter will listen.  A person with BPD... . probably not.  That is what makes it extra difficult.  You'll just be more of a bad guy.  But still... . if you really want to try to "handle" it, then I think that is how you do it.  It is similar to the SET technique talked about on the board.