How to help him with his addition?

[MissTajo]

Hello, bpdfamily,

As some of you already know I have been in a relationship with my BPDbf for a year and a half .

I have been dealing with his OCD and BPD since the beggining and I'm doing the best I can to deal with a variety of issues and altough it hasnt been easy, Im still willing to go on and try harder. Two of his biggest issues are the need for lying over small matters and his need to buy more xbox games. He spends hours online finding deals and spends a lot on videogames (he doesnt work and I suspect he receives an allowance from his mother and he is 34 years old... . ) He admits he might have an addition problem and he is trying to buy the last games he has on a "list" and then stop. Of course this seems to be like someone having a last shot of vodka before an AA meeting and it doent make sense to me. But being a very sensitive matter to him I try and not be accusing of this habbit or it will generate more lies and I prefer that he keeps talking about it with me.

what can I do to help him without causing him to shut me out?

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[Chapter8]

Hi, why don't you share the list until he's got them all, you can control some of that element in his obsession with buying more video games? I would like to think you could approach him in a positive, caring approach, tell him your concerns, remember to keep it all about you, not him - he is filling a hole up with the video games, I suffered with OCD for years, its all about control, tunnel vision as you don't notice things or anyone around you, its a completely selfish illness but can he cured, as I very rarely slip back into it (i know if I did obsess about my thing again then I would easily start again) but if you can do a bit of caring digging to find out the root of it, start from there and ask him to not shut you out as you only want to understand and support him in any way possible! The know the feeling of 'doing your best' and 'trying harder' but that won't change the fact he lies and has a video game obsession (maybe he has that so he doesn't have to deal with the emotional dysregulation of BPD?

He is has already admitted to having an addiction problem, then go from there? but choose your timing wisely!

[MissTajo]

Thank you Bean84, for your reply.

I try to keep myself updated about game reviews and the best games for the xbox and to talk about it with him. I see reviews on youtube so I can have conversations with him and even find good games for us both to play together.

His last long term relationship was with the mother of his child (10 year old boy) He was very criticized for his passion for games being called an irresponsible child and she, in the beginning , even offered him games and supported him. With the time passing she realized that it was not healthy, that he didn't work and would not work and she had a baby on her arms to take care of and it kind of blown up and was very messy.  ( I can even see her point of view in a way but she knew he had a OCD problem and being a dark depressed person herself didn't help either) So he has this emotional bruises from this relationship.

I ask: offering him games isn't like giving liquor to a person with an alcohol problem? I did offer him some games he wanted last year and that didn't stop the lies.

he says he talks about it with his therapist but that he is too ashamed to really get into it... .

[Stalwart]

I hope there is an end to the list. I know my wife has a compulsive spending habit, clothes, jewelry, makeup etc... . There is no end to her list and ever after trying to curb her spending she just doesn't seem to ever be able to fill the void she spends to satisfy. She knows she's always had the problem and it's more severe than I could or am willing to discuss. I keep hoping and  she's working with her therapist on it. She actually signed up for a class on over spending and materialistic possessions she attends tonight. Small steps but little progress.

It seems most have their addictions, the spending and trying to live in the middle of a clothes factory is difficult but it certainly could be worse.

Video game addiction amazes me, probably because I'm not overly interested myself but it's a real wide spread problem today with a lot of people. Of course not working is the real issue.

If you find a solution to the addicted spending on more games I'd sure like to hear about it.

Good luck and I hope you at least give him a run for his money when you're playing with him.  

[lizzie458]

I ask: offering him games isn't like giving liquor to a person with an alcohol problem? I did offer him some games he wanted last year and that didn't stop the lies.

Yes, it's basically "giving a drunk a drink," otherwise known as enabling.  The best thing you can do to help him, is actually to help yourself.  I would argue it's really the only thing you can do which will actually help.  I highly recommend you find an Al Anon meeting to go to - it is for anyone who is affected by addiction, no matter what the addiction (gambling, sex, food, alcohol of course, spending, etc.) or who the person is (husband, friend, mother, sister, child, BF, etc.).  You will learn that there is nothing in the world you can do to make him better or even really help him.  He is the only one who can get help for himself.  Al Anon has been extremely helpful in dealing with pwBPD and just in general living for ME and ridding myself of that oh-so-pesky codependency.  You are going to need boundaries and support to stop enabling him - you probably don't realize all the ways that you are enabling him right now, I know I didn't.

[maxsterling]

Well, as suggested - al-anon or CODA may be helpful for you.  Just remember, he has to help himself, you can't get him to change or stop.  You can help him with resources to help himself, but trying to force him into anything will only exhaust you.  The best you can do is set limits - don't give him access to your money or resources.  That way, you aren't enabling his addiction.  You may want to talk to his mom, too, to see if you can convince her to stop giving him money.

[MissTajo]

Thank you for you kind answers. Frontal! As I need them, thank you.

The country I live in doesn't really have much meetings like the ones you mention. He told me he did speak to his therapist about it but it is certainly not enough.

I came to a point that I don't see much ahead of us... .

Will post more, for the first time, on the undecided board