So. I broke no contact and...

[crookedeuphoria]

it worked out great. We are getting married next week. HA! Just kidding.

I sent a text "I just wanted you to know that I haven't abandoned you. Me loving you is your trigger. Walking away is the kindest thing I can do". He wrote back that he knows that and that he understands that I am being the strong one and doing what is best for the 5 of us. He wishes me the best, he will love me forever. And I thought, wow. I guess sometimes you can get closure.

Until about an hour later 

I'm not sorry I did it. I said what I needed to say for me and I won't contact him again. It's amazing what two weeks away and one week no contact can make you forget. But then being subjected to venom after a couple of weeks of nobody saying anything mean to you makes you see what you have been living with for so long.

Stay strong peeps, we are doing the right thing no matter how hard it can be sometimes 

[toomanytears]

it worked out great. We are getting married next week. HA! Just kidding.

I sent a text "I just wanted you to know that I haven't abandoned you. Me loving you is your trigger. Walking away is the kindest thing I can do". He wrote back that he knows that and that he understands that I am being the strong one and doing what is best for the 5 of us. He wishes me the best, he will love me forever. And I thought, wow. I guess sometimes you can get closure.

Until about an hour later 

I'm not sorry I did it. I said what I needed to say for me and I won't contact him again. It's amazing what two weeks away and one week no contact can make you forget. But then being subjected to venom after a couple of weeks of nobody saying anything mean to you makes you see what you have been living with for so long.

Stay strong peeps, we are doing the right thing no matter how hard it can be sometimes 

Hi crookedeuphoria

I'm assuming that by   you meant he followed up the loving text with an angry one?

[woodsposse]

Stay strong peeps, we are doing the right thing no matter how hard it can be sometimes 

NC is a great tool  which can be used to give you the space you need away from any of the chaos and roller coaster ride of the r/s.  It can be used from now until the end of time... . or it can be used long enough to give you the space you need to heal.

Yes, it can be difficult at times, and yes you may want to (or even) reach out to them.  And all of it is normal.  We are human and we do have memories and feelings.  So if/when that happens... . don't beat yourself up too much.  Just know, it's part of the healing process.

And you are not alone.

[toomanytears]

We are human and we do have memories and feelings.  So if/when that happens... . don't beat yourself up too much.  Just know, it's part of the healing process.

And you are not alone.

hello woodsposse. Thanks for your reassurance.

I get very emotional thinking about our very long and, at times, wonderful life together. The other day I remembered our beautfiul dog which we owned 25 years ago and were very fond of... . The thought that I won't be able to talk to him about her anymore is so so so painful. I broke NC and sent him a text about her.  No reply. I guess I have to get round in my head that I can own the memory without BPDH being involved. It's very very hard to do this... .

[drv3006]

[Hi crookedeuphoria

I'm assuming that by   you meant he followed up the loving text with an angry one?

Now tht sounds all too familiar! 

[woodsposse]

I get very emotional thinking about our very long and, at times, wonderful life together. The other day I remembered our beautiful dog which we owned 25 years ago and were very fond of... . The thought that I won't be able to talk to him about her anymore is so so so painful. I broke NC and sent him a text about her.  No reply. I guess I have to get round in my head that I can own the memory without BPDH being involved. It's very very hard to do this... .

My back story is a little involved, but in the end - the story is pretty much the same as most members here.  When I finally reached the very end of the train and "let her go" and she moved out, it still took forever to get to the place where I don't knee jerk react to want to talk with her about some of my memories (good or bad).

I had to learn to accept to live with them in my head - as well as separate them (the good from the bad).  Not separate as in make them black and white (all good or all bad) because as we all know in any long term r/s things are always bad (or good)... . but we can fondly remember the good times without totally sinking into a down emotional state if/when the bad pops up as well.

I was just talking about our dogs yesterday with a co-worker.  I remember like it was yesterday (no pun intended) when we picked up our dogs.  Puppies really.  And watched them grow to become family members.  But those are memories which live in my head now and it's okay to have them, recall them, and not have them interfere with my day-to-day wellness.

I'd suggest, if you like, anytime you have those feelings or memories - write a post here instead of a text or email.  I know what it is like to have the words running around in your head and you just have to get it out.  Here is one of the awesomester places to do that.

[crookedeuphoria]

[

Hi crookedeuphoria

I'm assuming that by   you meant he followed up the loving text with an angry one?

Yes. An angry one. And then he alternated between never contact me again to I will wait for you forever throughout the night and this morning. So, while texting him may have made ME feel better for a short moment (I did really need him to know that I still care about him very much), I do see that it wasn't what was best for him. I really have no idea how he has been doing without me these last few weeks but I do see how he does when he has contact with me. And it isn't good.

I am not like some of the people here who believe that they are parasitic. I don't believe that any of the awful things he has said and done are who he is, or at least, not who he wants to be. But perception is everything and sometimes his perception is that I am a horrible person. He doesn't say or do things to deliberately hurt me, he says it because he truly, in the core of him, believes it at that moment. He is lost and my heart breaks for him. It breaks for me too because I love him and I can't help him anymore. I can't save him, no matter how much I wish that I could. But, I can save me and that's what I have to do.

[BorisAcusio]

I am not like some of the people here who believe that they are parasitic. I don't believe that any of the awful things he has said and done are who he is, or at least, not who he wants to be.

Actually, the dynamic of their interpersonal relationships was coined parasitic by numerous psychoanalyst ,one of them was Otto Kernberg who we owe much of what we know about borderlines today.

There is a famous Maya Angelou quote: when people show you who they are, believe them.

[woodsposse]

when people show you who they are, believe them

True... .

[Banshee]

There is a famous Maya Angelou quote: when people show you who they are, believe them.

This is the most important thing but yet hardest and painful thing to get to.The other one is "their actions don't match their words"  I seen it everyday and made excuses. 

[crookedeuphoria]

I am not like some of the people here who believe that they are parasitic. I don't believe that any of the awful things he has said and done are who he is, or at least, not who he wants to be.

Actually, the dynamic of their interpersonal relationships was coined parasitic by numerous psychoanalyst ,one of them was Otto Kernberg who we owe much of what we know about borderlines today.

There is a famous Maya Angelou quote: when people show you who they are, believe them.

This is true. And, yes, he showed me a person I didn't like very much. He also showed me a person I adored.

Another thing he did was shine a light on all of MY dark places and things I didn't really want to look at too closely but now have to. And another thing he did, was shine a light on all of my great and wonderful qualities.

Because of my relationship with him, I will grow and become a better, stronger person with a whole lot more self awareness. That, to me, is a gift.

[woodsposse]

Because of my relationship with him, I will grow and become a better, stronger person with a whole lot more self awareness. That, to me, is a gift.

Well... . here is my take on it (not to take away from how you see the gift), but there are so many other ways to be in healthy relationships where the person you are with can help you grow, become better and a stroger person without all the tearing down. 

That is the gift that coming here has really helped me open my eyes to - if for no other reason but for helping me focus on me (and why I "put up with" all the negative chaos drama for so long).

Yes, I am grateful for all the positive things which came out of that r/s.  But I finally realized those same things (and more) can be gained from a fully healthy relationship.

[crookedeuphoria]

I totally agree woodsposse. I bet there are so many other ways to be in healthy relationships and the person helps you grow without the tearing down. But the fact that I ended up in this particular relationship and stayed for two years shows me I have a LOT of growing to do on my own before I can even consider being in a healthy relationship. I don't even know that I know what a healthy relationship even is.

[woodsposse]

I totally agree woodsposse. I bet there are so many other ways to be in healthy relationships and the person helps you grow without the tearing down. But the fact that I ended up in this particular relationship and stayed for two years shows me I have a LOT of growing to do on my own before I can even consider being in a healthy relationship. I don't even know that I know what a healthy relationship even is.

You will know it and grow into it and be wonderful at it. 

The fact that you want to... . for you... . tells me all I need to know about how happy and healthy you and your life will be.  You are well on your way.

And two years is a very long time to be in any unhealthy r/s.  Mine was closer to twenty (but who's counting).  You are right... . being in this type of r/s (and having survivied it) can teach you a lot about yourself.  Everything we do is a teaching thing.  It is really up to us if we want to learn from it.

You are well on your way.   

[Red Sky]

I think two years is a long time for you at this point... . I had a pretty bad relationship lasting several years through uni and I'm glad I got out of it when I did because they are such formative years. For me, the reduction in confidence and mental wellbeing could easily have led me to make bad choices which would have affected the course of my future. Rather than feeling like my horizons were opening up, i felt they were shutting down.Also, I found that plenty of people ('grown-ups'... . ) almost expected that your first relationships would be turbulent but not especially meaningful or hard-hitting, easy to let go. Doesn't help to be told you're too young for your feelings to be real :/

BUT the world is still your oyster m'dear, and you will for sure recover and hopefully have lovely healthy relationships

[crookedeuphoria]

You are well on your way.   [/quote]
Thanks woodsposse. Unfortunately, this is a lesson I should have learned many years ago.

[toomanytears]

You are well on your way.   

Thanks woodsposse. Unfortunately, this is a lesson I should have learned many years ago.[/quote]
I am full of admiration for you guys who got out early. I stuck at mine for 31 years! The light started to dawn a few years ago when I began researching 'anger management' issues on the web after a particularly viscious and inexplicable row. Then I came across BPD and the scales dropped. All the red flags I'd mentally logged right back to when we first met suddenly made sense.

I look back at my younger self and I'm convinced I'd have been completely on my knees if we'd split up in the first few years. The grip we had on each other was so intense.

In the end he left me (there's one very lucky OW out there!) and for that I'm thankful. Had it been the other way round I would never have got him out of the house. I'm still detaching and these boards are a godsend. Yup, NC is the best way... .

[crookedeuphoria]

Yikes, 31 years toomanytears. I can't imagine. Or, rather, I can imagine and it scares me to death!

I have been romanticizing it lately. Looking at it like we are star crossed, thinking as if he feels the same way as I do, despite everything I'm reading and most especially, despite what the reality was.

Last night I was sad and reading poetry and making myself even sadder. But as I was reading it, I did come to a realization. He doesn't feel the same. His loss isn't about me at all and he most definitely hasn't been concerned with how I'm handling things.

When I broke no contact the other day, I opened a can of worms and he has been texting me since. I've been texting back but remaining detached. He hasn't asked once, not once, how I am or how my daughters are.

I'm coming to the realization--or finally understanding what you all have been meaning by "it wasn't real"--I've been so defensive of that. But it's almost as if I had this love affair with someone on TV, like I talked to this guy on TV and this guy on TV talked back to me, I loved the guy on TV and the guy on TV said he loved me. But he was on TV so even though I was touching the TV screen, I wasn't really touching him. And the worst part is that it wasn't an ongoing show, it was one of those shows that play on a loop, like ESPN or the news. I love you, I hate you, I'm sorry, give me another chance, I love you, I hate you, I'm sorry, give me another chance... . over and over and over. And all along, I have been the one with the power to change the channel.

I have no idea if that analogy makes sense to anyone but me. My brain is scrambled.

Does anyone else feel guilty when they post stuff here? I feel like I'm betraying him. Ugh.

[Littleleft]

But, I can save me and that's what I have to do.

Sound like you're coping very well 

[patientandclear]

I'm coming to the realization--or finally understanding what you all have been meaning by "it wasn't real"--I've been so defensive of that. But it's almost as if I had this love affair with someone on TV, like I talked to this guy on TV and this guy on TV talked back to me, I loved the guy on TV and the guy on TV said he loved me. But he was on TV so even though I was touching the TV screen, I wasn't really touching him. And the worst part is that it wasn't an ongoing show, it was one of those shows that play on a loop, like ESPN or the news. I love you, I hate you, I'm sorry, give me another chance, I love you, I hate you, I'm sorry, give me another chance... . over and over and over. And all along, I have been the one with the power to change the channel.

I have no idea if that analogy makes sense to anyone but me. My brain is scrambled.

Does anyone else feel guilty when they post stuff here? I feel like I'm betraying him. Ugh.

The guy in the TV show analogy is perfect.

And yes, though it's not about feeling guilty posting, it's feeling guilty THINKING that all was not the beautiful star crossed romance that I believed while participating in it.  I feel/felt like I am/was betraying him.  (I've been practicing for longer than you so I find it easier now.)

That's what happens when I Face the Facts.  In the case of my ex the big Fact was that I was not nearly as special in his life as he always made me feel (by withholding critical information about his relationships with other women, past and current).  When he communicates with me now, I watch him use the same techniques that created that feeling of specialness, and they kind of gross me out.  I no longer believe them, they no longer work on me; I see them as cheap techniques to create the impression of specialness in order to hang onto me as a source of love and affirmation.  It really is like a formula and it just doesn't work once I can see that.

But.

When I think that and think back on the original time together that made me feel so unique, I see those same mechanisms at work; and I hate that.  I hate seeing it, because it strips most of the meaning away from something I thought was so special.  And yes, part of me feels I am betraying him by allowing those thoughts.

[woodsposse]

Does anyone else feel guilty when they post stuff here? I feel like I'm betraying him. Ugh.

Nope.  Not in the least bit! 

Mostly because - this place is about me!  This has been my safe haven - and the support and validation I feel here I haven't felt in so very long.