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[Aussie JJ]

Hi all,

I am sort of reading while not posting at present, so a bit absent from posting.  Trying to sort through some of my own stuff.  I have learnt alot about myself through this process, some easy some hard. 

Essentially I have learnt that I have codependant traits to the hilt.  Despite all of this, I actually love my sons mother.  I decided to talk to her and have "the conversation" with her a while back.  I layed out how I felt and also went through that I wanted to fix our issues.  This for her was very VERY confronting.  I found that I am still walking on eggshells around her at the moment.  Even then on reflection I am trying to not start a fight or instigate a fight with her.  It's really hard knowing with the passive behaviours that I have when to stand up and how to enforce boundarys. 

I am getting better and I can see that improvement.  This I think is, well, rather weird?  Admiting that I have contributed to the problems and also trying to fix my side of it is very hard, I am waking up exhausted from the day before and re-reading my notes on what I will and wont do for the day.  What I did and didnt do wrong the day before, trying to change how I listen is a big one, not taking other peoples views for the truth and standing up for my own point of view. 

Anyway, I suppose that is a personal growth thing to go on about not here. 

The question I had is I have improved my communication with at present EX considerably, I have set some boundarys and also caught myself busting some of hers.  I have appologised for this and she brings it up I am now doing the, I will only appologise once thing.  That is stopping her diverting conversations and she recognises it. 

Essentially, she is undecided about working through our problems, what the heck?  I told her my view on her having BPD, she sort of acknowledged it although not directly.  Something that was massive for her to do I understand.  One thing I dont understand is that she wants until August to make her mind up.  Wants to think through everything and do her pros and con's list.  I am a bit like, ARGH what do I do at the moment.  It took me ages to get a 'boundary' around a timeline for her to sort through the things I presented and make a decision. 

What does waiting until August do, is this her procrastinating and dragging me along for the ride or is this me reading to much into everything.  I am trying to treat her as a person not a BPD case but the behaviours are so distinct that it is hard to not be constantly analizing.  I have everything ready at present to goto court, well one more thing to get done for that, pay the bloody lawyer but i am ready for that option however dont want to go there.  For me I have always prefered to resolve problems not make them worse, also before pregnant and our sons birth she was amazing, and still is apart from the BPD side of things. 

What are others experiences with this kind of behaviour or situation do others have?  I keep reading that they will never acknowledge fault however I just dont want to beleive it.  I have this hope that she will see that she also played a part and be willing to work through stuff.  Feeling alot better for standing up for myself, feeling alot worse for still being on a bloody string with her undecided... .

Needed to vent so I am back posting however now after 'accepting' the problem, having trouble with what to do next with the whole 'undecided' thing... . :S

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Why are you posting this on the Staying & Improving board?

Are you hoping that she will suddenly change and not be like this:

Essentially, she is undecided about working through our problems, what the heck?

You have to realize that this disorder has the distinct effect of a relationship sabotage pattern.

She's already nuked it, right? (I don't know your backstory, I only post & read in Staying)

Another effect is the lack of responsibility for nuking it. My dear uBPDw always angles to get me to leave her during dysregulation episodes so that she will not be at fault, she will be the poor abandoned oppressed victim that her disorder is constantly telling her she will be.

It sounds like your Ex's waffling may be simply self-defensing against your "accusations" which you may present as rational discussion but this is BPDlandia and rationality is not a strong emotion around here.

[Aussie JJ]

That's what I suspected... . feared.  it is sad understanding the pattern at present and seeing it play out one more time. 

Thanks... .   :'(