Do you listen to the songs?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A song now plays on the radio that you and your ex used to listen to together which has some memories associated with it. Even the simple memory of you both just liked that band for example.

1. Do you change the station and not listen to the song?

2. Do you listen to it anyway even though you experience pain and sorrow?

3. Do you intentionally make an effort to listen to the song anyway while having an attitude such as "I like the song... .who cares about my ex, they aren't going to ruin it for me."

I avoid 90% of any songs or bands that we listened to that have memories associated with them. Those songs don't bring tears necessarily, it's more of a painful reminder of past experiences with this person. There are a couple bands and songs that I like so much that I have the attitude that "I like the song... .who cares about my ex, they aren't going to ruin it for me." Now I like to listen to a lot of new music just to keep things fresh.

[AwakenedOne]

A song now plays on the radio that you and your ex used to listen to together which has some memories associated with it. Even the simple memory of you both just liked that band for example.

1. Do you change the station and not listen to the song?

2. Do you listen to it anyway even though you experience pain and sorrow?

3. Do you intentionally make an effort to listen to the song anyway while having an attitude such as "I like the song... .who cares about my ex, they aren't going to ruin it for me."

I avoid 90% of any songs or bands that we listened to that have memories associated with them. Those songs don't bring tears necessarily, it's more of a painful reminder of past experiences with this person. There are a couple bands and songs that I like so much that I have the attitude that "I like the song... .who cares about my ex, they aren't going to ruin it for me." Now I like to listen to a lot of new music just to keep things fresh.

[Blimblam]

if it is a love song I avoid.

[Arminius]

I listen, I retake the song as my own.

Same with places. I went to visit a place that we had loved ( well, I had loved, who the heck knows if she did or not... .) soon after the split. Nearly destroyed me. Yet I'd loved that place before I even met the creature.

So, I made a promise to myself that I won't allow her to make me lose anything, and I've been back to the place and made it mine again.

Same with the house. I moved furniture, changed small things like pictures, positions of vases etc as well as destroying all pictures of her. I even threw out anything with her mark... .files with her writing, that sort of thing.

All I kept were the love letters. To remind me that her comments and insults to me at the end were so far removed from her adulation in the beginning that NEITHER were fair reflections of me. They represent evidence of her BPD traits and if I ever doubt it, a quick glance at those reminds me.

[sirius]

I would listen to it even if it bring much pain and memories. It reminds me of what we once had, painful but I want it. I want to remember it that way.

[Lion Fire]

Music was a big part of our r/a

I definitely don't listen to those tracks

It breaks my heart when they come on the radio.

[Ventus2ct]

Early doors I would change station or turn it off if it came on the radio but now I am happy to listen, feels a bit nostalgic, emotional and does remind me of the good times and also the BAD times!

[losinghope97]

Haven't gotten to a point where I can listen to most of the music that was meaningful to us (and there was a lot), so for now change the station.  Hoping that in time I can reclaim those songs.

[Arminius]

Reclaiming is important, or at least it is to me.

Play the songs, cry, rage, whatever. But in time you will be ok.

I lost 7 years of iTunes... .I have bought  back the ones that really meant something, and I've used those smogs to make me hard to her.

She can't hurt me. She crossed a line when she made me call the cops. I was bending and yielding for several months and it was killing me. It brought me here, and here is a helpful place. But the biggest help was her hideous criminal behaviour... .it freed me to resent her, to hate her, despise her rather than pity, empathise and yearn for her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AO,

A related question is what do you do when a song comes on that your BPDx disliked?  Do you: (a) crank it up; (b) change the station; or (c) listen reluctantly.

Having lost myself for a while there in a BPD marriage, I love to come across songs that I liked before meeting my BPDxW.  If she disliked the particular song or artist, so much the better, and I crank it up!

LuckyJim

[Changingman]

Reclaiming is important, or at least it is to me.

Play the songs, cry, rage, whatever. But in time you will be ok.

I lost 7 years of iTunes... .I have bought  back the ones that really meant something, and I've used those smogs to make me hard to her.

She can't hurt me. She crossed a line when she made me call the cops. I was bending and yielding for several months and it was killing me. It brought me here, and here is a helpful place. But the biggest help was her hideous criminal behaviour... .it freed me to resent her, to hate her, despise her rather than pity, empathise and yearn for her.

I hear this.

I have been reclaiming songs, they were mine. You are right she probably didn't even like them, just another part of you she tried to poison.

I too had no longing to be with her at all, she did unspeakable things. Really made me understand how the heinous crimes and acts of horror throughout history happened.

Zero empathy, who would know.

[Arminius]

Really made me understand how the heinous crimes and acts of horror throughout history happened.

Zero empathy, who would know.

Chilling observation .

[AwakenedOne]

Hey AO,

A related question is what do you do when a song comes on that your BPDx disliked?  :)o you: (a) crank it up; (b) change the station; or (c) listen reluctantly.

Having lost myself for a while there in a BPD marriage, I love to come across songs that I liked before meeting my BPDxW.  If she disliked the particular song or artist, so much the better, and I crank it up!

LuckyJim

LJ,

She only disliked one of the bands I liked - Lacuna Coil. She thought I was in love with the singer. I introduced her to the bands music one day by playing a cd for her. I just said "Check this cd out, they have singer that has an amazing voice." Due to the fact the singer is a woman this equaled in her mind I dreamed about having sex with her. I know its insane... .even gets more insane. Lacuna Coil was in my town for a concert a couple years ago. She had to work that night and couldn't go with me so I went with my friends instead and came home about an hour after the show. She accused me of sleeping with the singer after the concert. I had to explain for an hour that I didn't. She kept saying "How do I know it didn't happen?" and that "This stuff happens!". Your idea has inspired me to crank up one their cd's loud now. Thx

Rock on bro,

AO

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, AO.

Cheers for Lacuna Coil!  Crank it up.

LJ