I'm getting tired...

[FullMetal]

Throughout the years since I've first found this site, and lurked and read and learned.  things have progresses with my relationship to a much safer and nice place.  Through the lessons, and through my dBPDw's personal progress, things have gotten quite a bit better for everyone.  But I realized today that as far as we've traveled in this journey together, there's still a massively long road ahead of us.  In fact I don't think the road has an end.  (other than the oregon trailesque tomb stone at the side of the road when the inevitable happens (here lies FullMetal, Died of dysentery) )  This week my dBPDw is on a trip, (money was the sole reason we didn't go together, and it wasn't optional for her not to go) So I've been playing stay at home/single dad for the last week.  and I have to say.  It's a lot easier than I thought it would be. 

The daily skype calls were on hold this weekend due to me being in a place with near zero cell coverage, and she was well aware of, at which point my dBPDw's abandonment issues started acting up again. 

Reality came crashing in with one message, "I see you read a group message, but you're not responding to me".  It has actually been about 6 months since I got a message like that.  They still sting everytime I read one... . I thought we were done with those.  Turns out I was the target of her abandonment issues yet again, even though she is the one who wanted this trip, she's the one who wanted to go alone... . etc.  All because I had read a message nearly 24 hours before her message that I "ignored".  I was actually driving at the time... . and that is a pet peeve of mine.  And I have made it clear to her that I will not send her messages while I'm driving.  I'll reply to them when I get to where I'm going.  But of course that doesn't matter to her.  although lately she does have more good days than bad... .

It just serves as a reminder that this journey doesn't have an end, and that I have to try to enjoy the good parts of the journey, and work through the bad... . I just don't really know how much longer I can work through the bad without breaking... . and I'm afraid of what will happen if I do break... . But this week of single-daddom has shown me that I can do it.  Which has my stomach in knots.  If I know I can succeed as a single dad, what's keeping me here?  Why am I even thinking of this?   The road is endless, it seems as if it's a fools errand to stay.  The good days always seem to be outweighed by the bad, and yet, I can't ignore the progress that's been made.  the work we've put into this marriage, all the time and effort we both have put to make this work.   

I looked back on a few posts of mine.  one in particular stood out, in the "If you could start over, would you still marry your BPD?" Thread... . and I realize that is as true today as it was then... I wouldn't... . But Not because I don't love her.  But because I hate this road... . I've been travelling it for almost 10 years now, no end in sight, and while there are smooth patches, those seem to go so quickly.   I was on the road for 3 hours today, the parts I can remember clearly right now of the trip home... . the rough patches of road, the gusts of wind shoving the motorhome around, the jerk who gave us the finger because we didn't anticipate that he'd run a stop sign, the bridge construction that we have encountered every time for the past 3 years, and the discussion of how we've encountered it every year for 3 years... .   In reality that trip is very much a good metaphor for the journey I am taking in our marriage.  The mind seems to remember the "out of the ordinary"  more readily than the normal everyday nothing exciting happening moments... . And that is an unfortunate thing. 

Sorry for the length... . I was just feeling a bit low today, and needed to get it out. 

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[Fanie]

Same here friend ... .

I am so low today ... .

:'(

[NewMom]

I feel you!  I am playing the single-mom thing since our daughter was born (which is when the full crisis started) and my husband is "trying" to get better (i.e. still drinking, cheating on me, and raging at me when I don't say what he wants to hear, which is "poor, poor you; no one else knows pain like you do".  A few times he has slept over and then I realized how much easier EVERYTHING is when he's not here and I don't have to watch every word I say.  There are nice times in between but normally it's a struggle.  And if we hadn't been together for almost two decades and married for one, I don't think I'd still be here.  It's too much, too hard and in between I keep losng myself.

Try to enjoy those days on your own.  Maybe talking with a T would help you decide what to do in the future.  I know what it's like not wanting to give up - especially after all that work you've been through.  But sometimes enough is enough. 

[empathic]

Same here, feeling very low today. I think it's the first year for me where I have not looked forward to my vacation. Work has become a refuge for me. Kind of an alarm bell, as I'm more of a "home guy" at heart. I think a lot about what life as a single dad will be, in many situations.

This evening my wife will be away almost the entire evening, and I look forward to spending the evening with the kids. Being able to relax, not having to adjust to my wife's wishes and mood all the time.

I've been seeing a CBT specialist a number of times now, and it is helping somewhat. Need to lift my mood to be able to act. But maybe there will never be an optimal time to have that talk (about the possibility of separating). Maybe I should just go ahead and do it. I fear it a great deal though.

[enlighten me]

The work as a refuge rings home with me.

I work abroad and have always counted down the days until Im home with excitement. The last 3 trips before I split from the ex I counted the days with trepidation. I hope for delayed flights or having to be extended. Anything to postpone being thrown into the misery that was waiting for me.

I suppose to some extent getting away from it woke me up to it sooner or maybe my absence triggered her quicker. Either way I am currently away at work and for the first time in a year Im excited about going home as I do not have to face the stress and can finally have some me time.