Recognizing, setting and enforcing boundaries

[ziniztar]

Hi guys  ,

Today I experienced such a wonderful mini victory that I would like to set up a thread where we can all discuss the small wins, the small boundaries we set, not necessarily the big ones that we have to set with our pwBPD, but one that focuses on continuous inner growth. I think that focussing on them might give you the feeling you're growing, which can give you more hope and confidence you can recognize, set and enforce your boundaries in the r/s with your pwBPD as well.

Example: when learning to say no, I started to learn saying no to stewardesses. To people in the street asking directions or the time. People selling me newspapers in front of the grocery shop. Selling me energy contracts by phone. And THEN it was easier to say no to my friends, my boss at work, my parents and my partner... because I practiced. Will post an example right after this one but wanted to keep the introductory post short. Hope to see more examples of your general boundary setting efforts  .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ziniztar]

I'd like to share mini success story on boundaries here. It is not related to my dBPDbf but related to family, and I think it's quite important to implement the boundaries there as well.

some background, skip if not interested  

As I've mentioned before my family is dancing Karpman triangles for as long as I can remember. I've always know that this was unhealthy and tried to find my way out. I got friends and stayed at their houses, met their families and often felt I wanted to stay there - because things were more loving and relaxed. I've always had a strong need to interact with people who were more normal and I could never voice what I thought to be normal. Since I've read the Karpman triangle article, life has changed. To read the article click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.20

My father has his own business and my brother (33) decided to co-op that with him (being a rescuer and all). As you can understand many things are wrong in that (work) relationship and as a young family member who looked up to her brothers and father, I was always the one listening to them ranting about the other person's behavior. 5 years ago I started to stand up for myself, saying that I didn't always want to be placed in the middle. That I didn't always want to hear their passive-agressive stories when I returned home - which activated the resentment and contempt of my oldest brother (38) who (I think) is jealous of my new behaviour. He wants to do it but won't allow himself to be so "selfish".

Now I know that I'm not selfish but that it was a healthy need for healthier communication styles.

Now going back to todays victory

My sister (40) is divorcing. I texted her soon to be ex husband to ask how he's doing. Within 2 replies he started ranting about her - how bad she is, how irresponsible her behavior is, how she's been picking fights with my parents. I texted back:

"I'd rather not discuss my sister with you as I will also not discuss you with her. I see how this must be tough on the both of you. I just want you to be ok. How are you doing at work?" and he started talking about work.  

So this was TES I guess, instead of SET, but we're not dealing with pwBPD here so I still think it counts  . I loved how I was able to notice that I did not like his behavior an was able to voice that without feeling resentment or anger. It's still difficult but it feels like I've added a new and very powerful tool to my toolbelt, f-yeah   .

[formflier]

 

Now going back to todays victory

My sister (40) is divorcing. I texted her soon to be ex husband to ask how he's doing. Within 2 replies he started ranting about her - how bad she is, how irresponsible her behavior is, how she's been picking fights with my parents. I texted back:

"I'd rather not discuss my sister with you as I will also not discuss you with her. I see how this must be tough on the both of you. I just want you to be ok. How are you doing at work?" and he started talking about work.  

So this was TES I guess, instead of SET, but we're not dealing with pwBPD here so I still think it counts  . I loved how I was able to notice that I did not like his behavior an was able to voice that without feeling resentment or anger. It's still difficult but it feels like I've added a new and very powerful tool to my toolbelt, f-yeah   .[/quote]
Nice work!

Here comes the "skipper" in me... . You need to go out and do something special for yourself.

Maybe its a milkshake that you like... . a steak... who knows.  Celebrate your personal growth... . celebrate that you are self aware enough to realize this is happening and move things to where they need to be for you!

The rest of the world may be "stuck'... . but you are moving... . good job!