Early evidence of idealisation

[Arminius]

Well, I'm so far forward in just a few weeks on here. Thank you all.

I'm posting stuff now because I want everyone to move forward. I implore you all to post too

So, today I had a serious little fire going... . who knew photographs would burn so well?

I also burned a lot of the little love notes she sent me in the first few years, but I held of own burning the actual love LETTERS, not for any sentimental reason but purely for my sanity and continuing recovery.

Those letters were so, so intense. Were I to receive a letter like that now, knowing all I know, well... . I'd be on my way out of the door.

She idealised me so much back then, and in one letter described how she had 'always known, with everyone else, that i was just marking time, waiting for the next one... . and eventually I'd move on to someone else and I would feel nothing for my other partner except bitterness. With you I KNOW it is forever and I'll never look around.'

There were many other MASSIVE clues, had I known what I know now! So, I keep the letters as they assure me that I do not have the problem. She does.

Since law enforcement got involved she has honoured the NC I instigated but she had been trying to draw in friends, she has ridden her bike past my ex wife, and chatted to her in the street... . she has been texting my teen daughter ( who she teaches) about exams and stuff. She didn't do any of that in the 9 months we've been apart... . all started after I instigated  NC... . And today she gives my teen a ride home in the car.

They have no control. She ended the r/s, she has made hideous remarks and disclosures to me, yet she is doing all this because of NC.

BPD is a serious mental illness. I read it here, and if you don't believe it then you need to learn more.

[Turkish]

Ugh, that's hard. Have you talked to your daughter about this? Does your daughter have good boundaries? Is she safe from this woman, emotionally or otherwise?

I met my uBPDx in a community program. We had seen each other for a few weeks, yet hadn't talked much. We did an exercise where we were all standing in a circle, and she said later that when she saw me across the circle, she thought, "that's the man I am going to marry." I chalked it up to girlish immaturity. Little did I know... . This was 6.5 years ago. I recently found in an old journal where she was still writing about two boyfriends before me, where she called him "husband" as if such magical thinking were going to make it true. She was still hung up on this guy two years into our r/s, and yes, it caused trouble. My boundaries were terrible in tolerating a lot of what she said.

Last September, right after I found out about her cheating, I found something she had written to my replacement on our computer, "every day that goes by is one day closer to when we can be together forever." I thought she matured in the years she was with me, but a lot of it was mirroring me. She went right back to her old ways of thinking.

This was around the time when I thought we might be able to work it out, but less than a month before I finally threw in the towel and ended it. Cue three more months of her throwing the r/s in my face until she moved out... .

p.s., I did the burning thing as well, though it took me a while. The hardest part was burning out last family portrait together. I still do have some pictures of her in the house... . in the kids' room

[heartandwhole]

Hi Arminius,

It's great that you are getting some clarity on your situation, I know when I first came to this site, I was amazed at what I was learning about pwBPD's behavior – suddenly things were making a lot of sense.

I remember early idealization, too.  Sometimes pwBPD would compliment me to the point where I felt uncomfortable... . he assumed I needed to be told over and over how great I was, but it didn't feel good, actually.  Of course, my own issues played a part there, too, and I was able to accept some of it, but often the attention was over the top and warning bells were ringing.  If the same thing happened today, I think I'd be very wary.

What feelings are coming up for you now that you've symbolically severed ties?

[Arminius]

Turkish, I don't feel my daughter is at risk but I will be speaking to her specifically about this issue. So far I have kept all of the crap from her, and tired to pretend the split wasn't nasty.

I don't want to color her view of my uBPDxgf , as my daughter knew her since she was 8 , but I may need to explain boundaries more.

I empathise with your comments about long, drawn out endings. Mine was 4 months of her faking wanting to fix things.

Heartandwhole, severing the ties symbolically didn't change any feelings. My feelings changed when she behaved crazily enough for me to involve the cops. I realised that she had zero empathy and it is like dealing with a sociopathic four year old. No thanks. No more.

[mywifecrazy]

Funny I came across this thread today as I plan on having a little fire this weekend to burn some things to not only emotionally but physically keep moving forward. I will save some pictures for my sons stored away in a box somewhere for when they are older and on their own.  I want to burn the rest as it was nothing but memories of a fake life I was living built on a foundation of lies and deception that lasted for 20 years.

Yes I still have the BULL$HIT letters that were written to me about how great I am, how she would NEVER leave me, NEVER cheat on me like she did her previous boyfriend (not with me), NEVER want a divorce... . YADA, YADA, YADA!

I actually do feel good about myself these days as the truth really does set you free.  I just feel,so bad because of my sons and they have to deal with her BULL$HIT the rest of their lives and I still have window into her crazy world because of that 

God is Good and I am better off now than I was before I caught her... . FINALLY!

[Turkish]

Yes I still have the BULL$HIT letters that were written to me about how great I am, how she would NEVER leave me, NEVER cheat on me like she did her previous boyfriend (not with me), NEVER want a divorce... . YADA, YADA, YADA!

The black and white thinking... . did you see it as a  ? Idealization is also B&W thinking, seeing the world as you wish it would be, instead of how it is.

During the week I thought we might be able to work through our r/s, we had one of the most lucid conversations of our whole life together. She mentioned her bf (not a bf at the time by her definition, but leaving that aside... . ) and that she caught him talking to another girl on the phone, a previous lover. He told my Ex that he would never cheat on her. I offered that I would never say something like that, because people who made absolute statements like that meant that in the backs of their minds, consciously or not, they probably would. She seemed to "get" it, but then a week later I caught she and him still constantly texting (pretty typical for a Narc, being jealous and going after the family he lacked the self-esteem to build on his own), and I ended it. The blinders were off.

[mywifecrazy]

Yes I still have the BULL$HIT letters that were written to me about how great I am, how she would NEVER leave me, NEVER cheat on me like she did her previous boyfriend (not with me), NEVER want a divorce... . YADA, YADA, YADA!

The black and white thinking... . did you see it as a  ? Idealization is also B&W thinking, seeing the world as you wish it would be, instead of how it is.

No unfortunately I was too young and my own issues (insecurity, low self esteem) that

blinded me to all the   that I can see clearly now that I look back. Hindsight really is 20/20!  I ate all that $hit up! Man did that idealization make me feel good about myself.  I was a loving Christian man and I was helping this poor girl who had such a horrible life (all BS). Hell I even shared my faith with her and prayed for and with her. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing and I was the perfect PREY for her. I don't feel bad for being CARING, I just wish looking back that I would have been as it says in the Bible... "Be as gentle as Doves but as WISE as Serpents"!  Unfortunately Wisdom is NOT attained in our Youth.

[Turkish]

Yes I still have the BULL$HIT letters that were written to me about how great I am, how she would NEVER leave me, NEVER cheat on me like she did her previous boyfriend (not with me), NEVER want a divorce... . YADA, YADA, YADA!

The black and white thinking... . did you see it as a  ? Idealization is also B&W thinking, seeing the world as you wish it would be, instead of how it is.

No unfortunately I was too young and my own issues (insecurity, low self esteem) that

blinded me to all the    that I can see clearly now that I look back. Hindsight really is 20/20!  I ate all that $hit up! Man did that idealization make me feel good about myself.  I was a loving Christian man and I was helping this poor girl who had such a horrible life (all BS). Hell I even shared my faith with her and prayed for and with her. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing and I was the perfect PREY for her. I don't feel bad for being CARING, I just wish looking back that I would have been as it says in the Bible... "Be as gentle as Doves but as WISE as Serpents"!  Unfortunately Wisdom is NOT attained in our Youth.

Do you think it was intentional, or just the actions of an empty person? She loved the kids once, no? Before she abandoned them.

For mine, I never though a person who was so fearful of me cheating and abandoning her would do the same. Silly me... .

[mywifecrazy]

Do you think it was intentional, or just the actions of an empty person? She loved the kids once, no? Before she abandoned them.

Not sure what to think anymore of her actions!  I keep trying to understand them from a rational point of view and it only makes it more confusing.  I do better when I just come to the realization that she is a sick person and I will NEVER understand her, I just need to get her out of my life and my head as much as is possible with kids. I love my kids but GOD IT SUCKS HAVING HER AS THEIR MOM. THEY DESERVE BETTER!  I do believe that she loves them but unfortunately for my sons it's a DISORDERED LOVE. They will NEVER be her #1 priority like they SHOULD be!