You all are so right with this NC So hear my mistake...

[drv3006]

So I hate the text message. You all know the one. "HEY"  I read it on here many times. And Hey!  I responded to the hey. Now, I have not seen him since April and talked to him four times. All initiated by him and all with the Hey!  So last Sunday he calls my land line  I listen to him for over four hours.  Think I broke my boundaries?  I HEARD in that four hours the same ___ I heard for two years.  His miserable life, his evil ex,. Lawyers r terrible Madd (mothers against drunk drivers) are ruining his life  but he's trying and on and on  then he talks again about my AA program and I just went off on him  Yeah I know  we all do that  but everytime I talk to him I just want to let him have it.  I try to remember his illness but d*mmit I am tired!  I don't have any thing but resentment for him now!  I am posting this to keep myself from really doing to him what he did to me for two years. Don't talk to these people. HEY IS A CODE WORD FOR I AM STILL A JERK IF YOU RESPOND!

Doing this from my cell so excuse my typing and thanks for letting me vent!


 

[babyducks]

  drv

No contact can be a valuable tool, there is no doubt about it. I believe it helps dial down the volatility that comes with these relationships.   

I never really had the opportunity to go no contact, I went very low contact and held onto that until I felt strong enough to deal with my own emotions.  Which were pretty raw.

For me, and this was only my experience, we are all different, no contact left me feeling fearful, as if I was hiding from my own reactions from seeing my ex.   I grew very tired of making decisions based on where she might be and what she might be doing.

I am 16 months out.   It took me a long time to accept and deal with my own hurt from this relationship.  It took a long time to learn new skills.   It took a long time to learn new responses to the same old tired and worn out conversations.

Every time I had a little contact it was another opportunity to learn.  Hurt like a bear but I learned.   My Ex and I were thrown together on a business trip two weeks ago and we spent the day together.   We both did all right.   Wasn't the most comfortable day but didn't send me spiraling into that terrible agony either.

Don't be so hard on yourself.   You responded to a text.   You are human.  He was a very important person in your life.  From what you wrote it sounds like perhaps the same old dynamic re-occurred.  He pushed on your buttons until he got a reaction.   Yes that is one of symptoms of the disorder.   Somebody here said once that pwBPD don't discuss issues to resolve them but rather to draw you into their chaos.   Certainly fits for what I went thru.   Getting sucked back into that chaos always pissed me off and left me feeling like the four riders of the apocalypse had just ridden thru my head.   Nasty sensation. 

Be good to yourself today.   Take a couple of deep breaths.   You will bounce back from this.

'ducks

[Littleleft]

Thanks for sharing this drv. Like babyducks said, don't give yourself a hard time, you're only human.  I'm sure we'll all make some mistakes after leaving the pwBPD in our lives, but I'm sure we'll learn from them and it will actually help us move forward.

[drv3006]

Thank you   I think I just needed to get that out so I wouldn't do it to him.   For me. and probably most of us, I still care for him.   So, it's hard to ignore someone you care for, and it's hard to hear someone you care for cut you down with things. Some things just not even true and have to accept the illness in not intentional.  I think that is why no contact is so important for me.  I for one cannot handle the insults, accusations.  I can't wrap my head around the fact that what they want from people is the exact thing they cannot give.   And I think it is a reflection on me, because I know this and I can't accept the fact that he cannot control his actions.   He is trying to get to see his kids unsupervised.  I suggested he not tell his new lawyer his "feelings" (anger rage rants and text) at the moment he feels them to wait.   He said, I have discretion, I wouldn't do that.  Like really!   Where is the discretion with me.  And what is so wrong with me that I cannot accept this disease of his targets those he cares so much about.  And sometimes everyone, I don't think I should have to.  Which makes me feel exactly like what he says "I have no compassion"  Anyway its hard to wrap my mind around the fact that they can pick and choose when to control this verbal venom.  It drives me crazy, I cannot take it.  Which, well quite frankly, makes me feel like a jerk myself.   Thanks again for letting me rant out that first blurb.   I just felt like I was gonna go after him with my own venom.  I guess I   on all of you. 

[Littleleft]

That's fine, that's what we're here for! We all understand so this is the perfect place for it!   away as much as you like 

I really relate with everything you said there.

I too have struggled with the thought of 'why can't I cope with it when I know it's an illness'. It was compounded by comments my ex would make like 'you wouldn't break up with someone because they had cancer' and the like.  There are two ways that I try to look at this now, one is that yes it's an illness but other illnesses don't make the ill person be verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to you, so that's a HUGE discrepancy when comparing. The other is that maybe this is just another way of being incompatible as partners, just like other people in normal rs's find they are incompatible for various reasons, I'm incompatible with my ex because I can't cope with his rages.  I don't think many people could cope with it, so don't knock yourself for having the balls to admit it.

I've also at times felt like I wanted to let rip at him, throw back some of the really hurtful things he's said, make him feel like he's made me feel etc.  The thing that really helped me with this was going to Al-anon.  I know you'll understand this as you've said about being in AA.  Al-anon helped me see that the only thing I can control is myself and my behaviour and having that kind of reaction was only going to compound things as well as not being a very nice way to act (which would leave me feeling horrible if I'd done it, rather than reeling relief for letting it out).  Having said that, I know that sometimes the emotions boil up so quickly you almost don't have time to reason with yourself and your first thought is to let it all out.

And seeing him able to be nice as pie to a lot of people (there are many people who think he's a fantastic guy, because the side they see of him is! It's a side that I used to get presented to me, but I've seen that very little recent years), and then be nasty and the complete opposite to me was really difficult to take.  It was definitely one of the many parts that added up into me breaking up with him.

I know it all feels too much at times, even after the break up, but It will gets easier. You've been very strong already, that strength will see you through to the other side! 

[drv3006]

Thank you LittleLeft. Your words are solid.  Sometimes I feel like he turned me into him. Defensive angry hypersensitive.  I too have been going to alanon. Well just twice. Ha. Trying to wrap my head around being both AA and Al-Anon Quitting drinking was easier than this.  And i got some years  but man  i didn't need a refresher course in being a jerk. When i met him  all my defects came at once,  well not at first!  But the first rage he did woke them up.  As it progressed I was full blown into trying to prove I was not what he said I was and full of anger  thanks again

[Littleleft]

Fair play for going to both aa and al-anon!

And I definitely understand the frustration and anger of trying to defend against all the things (often completely untrue things) that were thrown at you!  To hear someone say nasty things about you to your face and to hear them make things up (things that they know will particularly hurt or bother you), it just makes you want to get them to understand how wrong they are doesn't it? But I'm sure we both know from experience that it doesn't make any difference, no matter what we say!