Ex-BPDbf is on his 2nd girlfriend already - it's been 6 months

[Supernova9star]

I have been doing well picking up the pieces after my 8 year relationship ended.  It was a very rough start but I have slowly been finding myself again.  It's shocking how complacent you become to chronic abuse and manipulation from a person with BPD.  I didn't realize how numb and beat down I had become until the shock of his sudden and violent departure wore off.  It took me the first 3 months before I even started coming out of the fog. 

I do feel like it is a blessing to be free from the relationship and I have been working on my own issues.  I want to make sure I don't ever attract another person like him into my life.  There are still times when it is clear to me I haven't completely detached though.  I am still searching for something but I can't put my finger on it.  I don't really miss him per se, but I do miss the void within being filled by his attention and intense love. 

Recently I have turned to social media and peeked once in awhile at what is happening with him.  I guess I want to see confirmation that he has a problem and although it hurts me a lot to see it, I somehow also feel relieved to see his dysfunctional behavior with other women.  He started seeing someone very soon after he left me.  It had only been 2 or 3 months.  She lived in another state and he moved in with her after 1 month of dating.  It lasted for 2 months and she got back with her ex boyfriend.  When I checked his Facebook, you would have thought he was crucified by this woman and that his heart was blown to bits. 

Less than 1 month later and a couple of dates, he is in a new relationship.  With a girl who is much younger.  And he morphs each time into someone different.  He seems to be drinking quite a bit also.  So this new relationship was made official on 6/15 and today he posted how it was good to feel normal again.  I guess he feels abnormal without a girlfriend? Anyway, during all this time, I have finished one semester of college (I went back after he left) and I am enrolled in summer session now.  I am working full time and being a mom to my 12 year old daughter.  I haven't even spoken to a man much less been in a new relationship.  I am absolutely terrified of the thought right now. 

It does make me sad to see how happy he seems with these women when I was told how there would never be another woman for him and how perfect I was for him and how much he loved me.  He used to beg, I mean BEG me not to leave him way back when I still had some fight left in me and felt sure this was not healthy for me.  I stayed.  I shouldn't have.  Yet, I am the one alone.  And I probably will be for a long time. 

I am angry that I spent 8 years of my life with this person and I am going to be 38 next month and haven't even been married yet.  I feel like he has stolen my youth from me and I feel much older than I truly am.  And these relationships of his might not last but he seems to be enjoying himself.  I am not that person.  I can't settle and I don't get off on trivial pursuits.  I am much deeper and complex so messing around with the opposite sex doesn't suit me unless it has serious potential.  I guess what I am trying to say is I feel like I got screwed really bad in this deal and I was always the one with the kind heart and the selfless unconditional love and the forgiving nature and the patience and perseverance.  So why do I feel like I am being punished?  The worst part is, he has a social circle constantly enforcing how nice of a guy he is and making him feel like he does no wrong.  Meanwhile, I have no one because I cut myself off years ago because I was terrified to go out in public or around friends with him for fear of humiliation or an episode or just that they might see through my mask and realize how much pain I was in.  I guess I made my bed.

[Red Sky]

I think we are all going to have these moments. I spent the time I was at university in an abusive relationship and was miserable whilst everyone told me, 'Cheer up, these are the best years of your life!' And I would think, 'if these are the best years, then what will the rest be like?'

We can't change the past. I do what you do, I feel angry and want to demand that I get the years back. I try to work on accepting that what happened happened, that I can't change it so I try to remember the good bits, let go of the bad, and remember that the decisions I took were the ones that seemed right for me at the time... . That if I went back in time, and didn't know what the outcomes of my actions would be, I would do the same things all over again. That I thought I was acting in my best interests at the time. Now all I can do is try to learn what acting in my best interests really is. Even though this whole train of thought makes me wince.

As for the new relationships... . Characteristic of BPD. They need a relationship. It may seem like True Perfect Love to you but let's be honest, he barely knows them, it's superficial, and they're probably going to be miserable and/or run far, far away once they find out what he's like. It's not real. My exgf used to love using social media to make us seem more intimate and lovey-dovey than we really were, like showing off something THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY THERE. I'd seriously suggest that you block him on Facebook though because you will drive yourself mad otherwise.

The one with the kind heart will win in the end, because you know what you have to do and recover, and he is stuck with the disorder and the unhappiness it consistently causes. You sound like a really proactive, driven person. As Tausk, one of the regulars on here, says... . The disorder always wins.

Hugs, 

Red

[patientandclear]

Hey SuperNova -- I'd wondered how you were doing.  Glad to hear about your smart, productive use of the last 6 months.  Good for you.  You'll never regret a single moment spent that way.

As to the two girlfriends in 6 months ... . yeah. I know.  Me too.  There was something about seeing the demise of at least the second passionate love since me to really bring reality home.  I think it's useful to know.  It makes it really hard for me to romanticize what I once thought was really special about us.

It's just kind of tawdry.  But that includes what he did with me, too.

[Red Sky]

Yep. Once I saw my exgf was making out with random chicks when she was apparently totally cut up over my NC'ing her, I kind of stopped worrying so much... . (Don'tcha love social media?)

[Blimblam]

that moment where you realize you weren't special to them. They don't "need" you anymore.     :'(

[Supernova9star]

that moment where you realize you weren't special to them. They don't "need" you anymore.     :'(

Please elaborate Blimblam. I think I have had many moments and realizations during the last 6 months but I'm not sure I care about being needed so much as having invested time committing to someone who lied to me and abused me. I have a 12 year old who needs me and it is quite a different dynamic.

[Supernova9star]

Yes RedSky, I Definetly see his actions seem exaggerated for the camera and engineers an image to share with his "friends". It doesn't seem like he is being very selective about these people he involves himself with either. You are right, it is hard to romanticize what happened between us after I see him putting other girls on a pedestal. The hard part is knowing his feelings for me were not about me at all. It makes the last 8 years feel like a complete lie. What I was fighting for was all in my head.

[patientandclear]

Yes RedSky, I Definetly see his actions seem exaggerated for the camera and engineers an image to share with his "friends". It doesn't seem like he is being very selective about these people he involves himself with either. You are right, it is hard to romanticize what happened between us after I see him putting other girls on a pedestal. The hard part is knowing his feelings for me were not about me at all. It makes the last 8 years feel like a complete lie. What I was fighting for was all in my head.

This is the truly mind-twisting aspect of coming away from one of these relationships.  It seemed so incredibly important (because of the special connection).  When we see that being played out with person after person afterwards, our whole experience becomes incoherent and unreliable.  These were feelings (on their part) that seemed so genuine.  They had all the indicators of "real."  It gives me a feeling of vertigo -- I just can't quite get my bearings.