insight

[antjs]

i will keep it simple and no it does not have to fit all of the members but personally i think it fits most of them. the biggest issue we might commonly have is the low self esteem. big part of our pain is that we care about our exs opinion. and their opinion is that it is our fault and we are satan in disguise. if we have enough self esteem we would not care about what our exs think. we would not be confused with the lies. if we have enough confidence and we believe our eyes, ears and intuition then we dont need any validation.

maybe it sounds like "duh ! dude" but i am just reminding you.

[AlwaysForgiving]

I don't know if I fully agree with you. I have been through break-ups before and have never felt like this. I think it's THE WAY that the BPD reacts to you and rejects you and just manipulates you that has such a deep effect on us. Does it damage our self-esteem? Yes. But, I don't think that's the only problem.

I have know my uBPDxgf for 13 years and I have always cared and loved her all those years. It wasn't until I got into a relationship with her 3 years ago when I noticed that there was something "wrong" with her. This is a tricky thing to deal with. 

[Feralnerd]

I agree that there are many of us that seem drawn to BPD partners, and that probably is frequently a function of low self esteem and codependency. It usually takes two sick people to have an unhealthy relationship, not one. But I don't think it's always that simple.

An otherwise healthy person, put through the ringer of a pwBPD can find themselves experiencing pretty significant trauma. Given that pwBPD can be so high functioning, I could see someone with intact self-esteem getting invested before finding out that they are in an unhealthy relationship.

That said, the original point remains valid - if we're here it's because we care what they think about us, because what they've said has affected us deeply. And with enough self-esteem and perspective, we eventually can learn that the toxic things we had flung at us don't reflect who we are as human beings. We were caught between a person fighting with their own demons, and for better and for worse - it wasn't about us.

[BacknthSaddle]

There is definitely some truth to this for a lot of us.  I know that in my case, I wouldn't even have gotten involved with my ex if it hadn't been for low self-image. She was very attractive and at the time I didn't really think I was deserving of someone that attractive, so I didn't want to pass it up.  This caused me to ignore many obvious incompatibilities and many clear red flags.  In the aftermath, I've been stunned that this person has been able to make me feel so s***ty about myself.  Sometimes I run down lists of my qualities and my accomplishments, then I'll do the same for her, and I'll see the mismatch and then that will make me feel better for a few moments.  After all, a lot of people who are a lot "better" than her feel pretty great about me, right? But I've come to realize that the mere fact that I have to think of myself and my value in terms of a "list of qualities and accomplishments" is evidence that my self-worth must actually be very low.  And that's something I need to work on. 

[antjs]

An otherwise healthy person, put through the ringer of a pwBPD can find themselves experiencing pretty significant trauma.

I went to a therapist and he informed me that i am healthy. Only some ptsd. I brought up the confidence issue but he said maybe it is shaken this period. But i dont believe this is true. I was smart and strong enough to discover and expose my exBPD in 6 weeks r/s only. SHe helped me by being low functioning. But the fact that i find myself mourning her loss for too long makes me feel that i am not confident that i am good enough, will find someone better or cling to her words in the past.

[enlighten me]

I don't know about having low self esteem at the start of the relationship but certainly do now.

[antjs]

In my case, the therapist told me that i have problems with confidence and not self esteem. Self esteem is how u see urself. Self confidence is how much r u proud of your achievements. I was diagnosed with quarter life crisis. My life for the last 3-4 years were horrible with a lot of horrible stuff happening mostly out of my control. Still it hit my eho and confidence. She was like the light in the end of tunnel. The only thing to be good happening when she appeared. I saw the red flags from day one and i chose to ignore them cause i wanted the fantasy to continue. Looking now i can see that she was so much dysfunctional, older than me by 3 years, horrible history with men her dad's age and 2 abortions, daddy issues, she split her family black after her divorce and living now on tourist visa between two countries, unstable freelance job... . etc but see i am worse than you i am atill mentioning her bads rather than even my good stuff. Unfortunately my life circumstances are hitting me hard. Looking back i see that i blamed myself for stuff out of my control. I did my part in all of them. But since i have still been blaming myself it hurt my confidence. I am looking forward to reclaim my life and confidence.

[AlwaysForgiving]

But i dont believe this is true. I was smart and strong enough to discover and expose my exBPD in 6 weeks r/s only.

Can someone help me? What is r/s? I see it mentioned a lot, but I can't find it in the glossary. Thanks!

[grover11]

I have know my uBPDxgf for 13 years and I have always cared and loved her all those years. It wasn't until I got into a relationship with her 3 years ago when I noticed that there was something "wrong" with her. This is a tricky thing to deal with. 

I totally see what you are saying, my wife is the nicest person and would do anything for anybody. The problems are with those that she has an intimate relationship with (me and the kids).

[enlighten me]

I have know my uBPDxgf for 13 years and I have always cared and loved her all those years. It wasn't until I got into a relationship with her 3 years ago when I noticed that there was something "wrong" with her. This is a tricky thing to deal with. 

I totally see what you are saying, my wife is the nicest person and would do anything for anybody. The problems are with those that she has an intimate relationship with (me and the kids).

This is one thing that has me baffled. Is it because were kind of in their inner circle of trust that they feel they can let the mask slip or is it because it has to slip at some point and were there more often so we see it.

[antjs]

I have know my uBPDxgf for 13 years and I have always cared and loved her all those years. It wasn't until I got into a relationship with her 3 years ago when I noticed that there was something "wrong" with her. This is a tricky thing to deal with.  

I totally see what you are saying, my wife is the nicest person and would do anything for anybody. The problems are with those that she has an intimate relationship with (me and the kids).

This is one thing that has me baffled. Is it because were kind of in their inner circle of trust that they feel they can let the mask slip or is it because it has to slip at some point and were there more often so we see it.

Part of the BPD dynamics is fear of engulfment. As long as you are not too close (not a partner, parent, sibling, close friend) he/she will be nice to you. They devalue people who get so close and intimate to them cause they think they will abandon them later and they should not trust and let feelings grow for these close people.



R/s means relationship