Confused by question

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just had a message from my uBPDexgf asking when I get home what dates I am having my boys from a previous marriage so she can make plans.

We have a son together so we need to sort out when I will see him but cant work out why my boys being down would affect this.

The only thing I can think of is she's wanting me to babysit while she goes out but doesn't want my boys staying over.

Anyone have any ideas about this?

[enlighten me]

Just had a message from my uBPDexgf asking when I get home what dates I am having my boys from a previous marriage so she can make plans.

We have a son together so we need to sort out when I will see him but cant work out why my boys being down would affect this.

The only thing I can think of is she's wanting me to babysit while she goes out but doesn't want my boys staying over.

Anyone have any ideas about this?

[enlighten me]

Well had a few more messages from her and she says she wants to sort out when I can have some one on one time with the boy.

I told her the dates and she said that the 10 day gap was when they were really busy. She then had a little dig at me that if I'd told her the dates she could have sorted out more.  I said that I thought I had told her and she said I hadn't. I quickly scrolled up the messages and found where I had told her and then said we did discuss it when you were wanting me to babysit on the 2nd for the hen night you want to go on. I knew this would get her back up so tried to soften it by saying That I hadn't told her the other dates and was sorry for not doing so.

She then went into a little rant at how there was no need to have a go at her and she was only trying to get me some quality time with our son. She also said to forget the whole conversation as she would do.

I sent her a message back saying that " I do appreciate what you are doing. At no point in this conversation have I seen it for anything other than you wanting to help me spend time with XXX. Im sorry if it has come across in any way that I was having a go as Im not. I cant wait to be able to see XXX and spend time with him and I understand that you have a life and that whatever time I get to spend with him will have to revolve around that. Thank for trying to get this sorted out."

She then changed the subject onto finances which I said I would sort out. She thanked me for that and sent a picture of my son.

Theres a few things from this that I feel are worth mentioning.

Firstly chat is easily misinterpreted by us norms let alone a BPD who is on the defensive. Remember its not how something is delivered its how its received.

Secondly the fact that my other children aren't involved in the planning by her leads me to believe that they are a threat to her still even though weve split up.

Thirdly a validating reply can really take the heat out of them.

Fourthly I didn't go all weak at the knees that she had graced me by getting in touch with me.

[Mutt]

Hi enlighten me,

I get similar messages from my ex

She then had a little dig at me that if I'd told her the dates she could have sorted out more.

You have guilt from FOG here. Don't play into it.

I said that I thought I had told her and she said I hadn't. I quickly scrolled up the messages and found where I had told her

Oh your ex understood what you said. My ex does this often, probably 50% of her messages are disassociations. It's in black and white in an e-mail, she could have scrolled up just like you. It doesn't matter how many times it stares her in the face. She disassociates. She simply wants to control and get your attention. I say things once and I don't justify or defend. It have told my wife this boundary and if it's an issue later on in court, the proof is in the email communique. Try to create a goal to not play into her insecurities.

She then went into a little rant at how there was no need to have a go at her and she was only trying to get me some quality time with our son. She also said to forget the whole conversation as she would do.

FOG. It's sounds like she is trying to one up you by saying she's going to forget the whole conversation like she did. What kind of feelings can you associate with this? I read Guilt.

I sent her a message back saying that " I do appreciate what you are doing. At no point in this conversation have I seen it for anything other than you wanting to help me spend time with XXX. Im sorry if it has come across in any way that I was having a go as Im not. I cant wait to be able to see XXX and spend time with him and I understand that you have a life and that whatever time I get to spend with him will have to revolve around that. Thank for trying to get this sorted out."

What state are you in when you respond? Does she trigger you? I don't respond back until a day has passed because a boundary that I have told my wife is I'll respond to emergencies only. The rest can wait and I do feel triggered but I go about my business and enjoy myself instead of being interrupted by her insecurities. Don't justify or defend your position. Say it once only and disengage. She's trying to control and have your attention enlighten me. What part of that is about her son? It's over and you need solid and clear boundaries to stop this emotional blackmail. You need to change your responses and stop giving her attention.

Are you familiar with Bill Eddy's BIFF?

[enlighten me]

Hi Mutt

As Ive said in previous posts Ive been through this before with my ex wife.

I only get the finger on the trigger now. Im past the wanting her back, Still get angry occasionally, do feel sorry for her but skipping happily into indifference.

This has all been about trying to understand the workings of a BPD mind. As I said I had a little experiment and triggered her then appeased her. Im slowly building up my tools for the many years ahead of dealing with her over my son.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Theres a lot that I have realised about my last two relationships now that I have learnt about BPD. I have the big picture of it and understand a lot of the stuff that has happened and my part in it. That said there are still a lot of gaps in my understanding. As they say the devils in the detail and without understanding the little things then I do not have the full picture and leave myself open to some of the mistakes I made with my ex wife.

[Mutt]

It really takes practice and time to get to indifference enlighten me.

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -War Games

[enlighten me]

Hi Mutt

It took me 3 years with my ex wife but the whole thing was dragged out with the divorce. This time around indifference is already creeping in 

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt

It took me 3 years with my ex wife but the whole thing was dragged out with the divorce. This time around indifference is already creeping in 

Divorce is tough. Keep it up and I'm happy to hear indifference is creeping in  You're enjoy life more?

[enlighten me]

Still early days after the exgf but the time between my ex wife and her was great 

My sons are already loving the change. Unfortunately I only had a week of freedom before returning to work overseas but Im back home soon and after getting a few things sorted with the ex I'll be back to living my own life.