Ex-BPD contacted me, what to do?

[Unique135]

Hello,

My Ex and I have gone back and forth for 5 years.  Actually, we have not really broken up since he usually just gives me the silent treatment and we stop talking for periods of time.  During those times, I would usually contact him to ask him what is going and just move on if I don't hear anything back from him. 

About 2 months ago, he again gave me the silent treatment after I talked about us.  I e-mailed him once and decided if he won't answer, I am moving on with my life.  About a week ago, I decided to give online dating a try.  Guess whose profile I came upon?  My exe's!  He had just opened a profile as well.  I clicked on it to see if it was really him since he had sort of misrepresented himself online... . a few days later, I guess he noticed that I had clicked on his profile.

A week later, I suddenly get a text from him, he tells me he misses me, etc.  I currently live in another country, but will be back to the US in a month.  He told me that he really wants to see me and wants me to move back soon.  I really do not want to believe his words anymore.  We talked, but I am still on the dating site.  I have noticed that right after the text, he has not logged on to the site.  I have not heard anything else from him after that but he is not a big talker anyway.  He tends to keep his emotions inside him all the time and is afraid that if he says something wrong, I will abandon him.

Anyway, long story short, I have not contacted him again.  Did he just come back to me because he thinks I have moved on?  I feel like after 5 years of silent treatment games, I have sort of lost some of the intense feelings I had for him.

Do I validate him or just let it go?  Is he just testing the waters to see if I am still mad at him?  He usually does that too... .

Thanks a bunch in advance!

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Unique135!

I'm curious to know why is he your "ex" instead of your current involvement? What was the catalyst for that decision?

[Unique135]

hi Unique135!

I'm curious to know why is he your "ex" instead of your current involvement? What was the catalyst for that decision?

Good question:)  Honestly, after so many push and pull games, I am not even sure what we are:) 

I care for him and have feelings for him but he always disappears when things are getting serious.  He will come back and talk about the future and even having a family and all of a sudden stop talking to me.  I am not sure what to label it, sorry... .   He is the one who stops communicating with me, then he will come back and accuse me of breaking up with him.

[OutOfEgypt]

He is the one who stops communicating with me, then he will come back and accuse me of breaking up with him.

In other words, he maintains complete control of where the relationship is, and you are available for him to do that.  At some point you just need to decide if that is how you want your relationships to go.  It's about you.  You can still care for someone and decide that you don't want to be passive and controlled and carrying all the load for another.  You can decide you want to have the main say in how your life goes.

[OnceConfused]

Is the past enough of an evidence of the future?

If you cannot handle what happened then how will you handle the same in the future?

lastly, why going back to where you already knew the answer is NEGATIVE?

Are there other men that could be your date, instead of this old troublesome man?. DOn't be so desperate.

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Unique135!

I'm curious to know why is he your "ex" instead of your current involvement? What was the catalyst for that decision?

Good question:)  Honestly, after so many push and pull games, I am not even sure what we are:) 

I care for him and have feelings for him but he always disappears when things are getting serious.  He will come back and talk about the future and even having a family and all of a sudden stop talking to me.  I am not sure what to label it, sorry... .   He is the one who stops communicating with me, then he will come back and accuse me of breaking up with him.

These certainly can be confusing relationships! And of course you still have feelings for him, we don't just stop caring when we have felt invested in that person. Push and pull can be the name of the game with BPD, for sure!

Have you had a chance to look at the "Choosing a Path" info on the right hand side of this board? The steps it takes us through are so informative in that we learn first how to have a more effective conversation with our loved one with BPD, then take some space to think (which is sounds like he gives you!) and look realistically at the relationship and just what you are getting out of it, then take another hard look at what part BPD will play in your relationship. Lastly, the Take Inventory helps you make lists to see things side by side as far as what you want and will likely get from the relationship. It takes a little time but it's well worth it.

[Unique135]

hi Unique135!

I'm curious to know why is he your "ex" instead of your current involvement? What was the catalyst for that decision?

Good question:)  Honestly, after so many push and pull games, I am not even sure what we are:) 

I care for him and have feelings for him but he always disappears when things are getting serious.  He will come back and talk about the future and even having a family and all of a sudden stop talking to me.  I am not sure what to label it, sorry... .   He is the one who stops communicating with me, then he will come back and accuse me of breaking up with him.

These certainly can be confusing relationships! And of course you still have feelings for him, we don't just stop caring when we have felt invested in that person. Push and pull can be the name of the game with BPD, for sure!

Have you had a chance to look at the "Choosing a Path" info on the right hand side of this board? The steps it takes us through are so informative in that we learn first how to have a more effective conversation with our loved one with BPD, then take some space to think (which is sounds like he gives you!) and look realistically at the relationship and just what you are getting out of it, then take another hard look at what part BPD will play in your relationship. Lastly, the Take Inventory helps you make lists to see things side by side as far as what you want and will likely get from the relationship. It takes a little time but it's well worth it.

Thank you, I will try that.  I guess, when you invest so much in your relationship, you want to stick around and try to work it out.

I am sure I also have issues of my own since I stick around and believe the lies he feeds me.

I guess, I always wait for him to be able to change for the better and unfortunately it never happens.

In terms of not having anyone to date - the sad part is that I have rejected countless of good men because I believed he was a changed man.

Thank you:)

[DreamFlyer99]

Sorry to take so long to get back to you!

It's hard to look at what we've done in the relationship, but it's really wise to. Often the choices we made there will help us make better ones in the future. If we can look not only at what we're getting out of the relationship (or are likely to get out of the relationship) but also at what he's getting out of the relationship it can give us a lot of information. For instance, are you having your needs met? That's really important in a r/s. What is he having met? So far you've said he gets to be with you whenever he's in the mood for it, but then you're getting nothing but silence when he's not in the mood. Is that what you want? Plus he comes back but blames you for him being gone. 

I understand soo well the thought of having invested in a r/s for so long that you want to stick with it, I really do. My 38th anniversary will be this September. I've hoped for my H to "grow up" in the r/s, as in consider me to be as important in the r/s as him, perhaps meet some of my needs for support in hard times or even just my needs for affection. Those, when I brought them up, became about how I was making it hard on HIM.

We are the only one whose behavior we can change. We are the only one who can decide what things are important in our relationships. I've let myself be talked out of or diverted from standing up for myself, but i'm trying now. I left our home 4 months ago and it's the first time he's sought out some serious counseling for himself. I don't know how that will turn out, but I have given him nearly 40 years to figure out how to treat me with as much respect as he wants to be treated with and it hasn't happened.

Without them actively participating in some serious therapy things likely won't change. Since their behavior is based in such deeply held false beliefs about themselves and others it takes a huge changing of their thought patterns and can take time (like years.) Is he willing to look at the ways he effects the r/s with his disappearing act, or with believing his negative behaviors are your fault? Is he willing to take responsibility for his part of things? Is he willing to get some serious therapy? Those are super important parts of this puzzle.

i'm not trying to be negative at all, just practical, and I hope you can see that. How has the "choosing a path" work gone for you?

dreamflyer99

[Unique135]

Sorry to take so long to get back to you!

It's hard to look at what we've done in the relationship, but it's really wise to. Often the choices we made there will help us make better ones in the future. If we can look not only at what we're getting out of the relationship (or are likely to get out of the relationship) but also at what he's getting out of the relationship it can give us a lot of information. For instance, are you having your needs met? That's really important in a r/s. What is he having met? So far you've said he gets to be with you whenever he's in the mood for it, but then you're getting nothing but silence when he's not in the mood. Is that what you want? Plus he comes back but blames you for him being gone. 

I understand soo well the thought of having invested in a r/s for so long that you want to stick with it, I really do. My 38th anniversary will be this September. I've hoped for my H to "grow up" in the r/s, as in consider me to be as important in the r/s as him, perhaps meet some of my needs for support in hard times or even just my needs for affection. Those, when I brought them up, became about how I was making it hard on HIM.

We are the only one whose behavior we can change. We are the only one who can decide what things are important in our relationships. I've let myself be talked out of or diverted from standing up for myself, but i'm trying now. I left our home 4 months ago and it's the first time he's sought out some serious counseling for himself. I don't know how that will turn out, but I have given him nearly 40 years to figure out how to treat me with as much respect as he wants to be treated with and it hasn't happened.

Without them actively participating in some serious therapy things likely won't change. Since their behavior is based in such deeply held false beliefs about themselves and others it takes a huge changing of their thought patterns and can take time (like years.) Is he willing to look at the ways he effects the r/s with his disappearing act, or with believing his negative behaviors are your fault? Is he willing to take responsibility for his part of things? Is he willing to get some serious therapy? Those are super important parts of this puzzle.

i'm not trying to be negative at all, just practical, and I hope you can see that. How has the "choosing a path" work gone for you?

dreamflyer99

Hello Dreamflyer,

Thanks for the reply.  You are right about the fact that I am not getting much out of the relationship and he is the one getting the validation, support and attention.  Honestly, I feel like I have such a low self-esteem after all these years that I myself believe that I am not worth more than what he is giving me. 

He is not willing to do therapy since he might even lose his job if he does try (he is in law enforcement).  He does admit that he has issues but I feel like it is getting worse as he ages - at least with me.

I had moved to another country and told him that I would move back but I am not reconsidering it because I feel like I am better when I am away from him.

Do you ever feel guilty and humiliated about your decisions?  I feel so ashamed of the fact that I have acted so desperately with him thinking it was always my fault.  It makes me embarrassed to think I could be so desperate with a man.  I also now have severe trust issues with men.

[Angel86]

After 4 years with my BPD partner and his hot and cold spells toward our relationship I can relate to your feelings of confusion, low self esteem and hope, that one day he will seek medical help... .

Due to health issues that almost caused my death I was forced to see my partner in a different light. We have a son and I do everything for him, my partner grabbed me by the throat the day I had a stroke and watched as I walked breathlessly with our son in my arms begging him to help. At the time it was just a normal day in our relationship, we didn't know I'd had a stroke and was dying of severe heart failure... . I saw him for what he was that day, he had only physically grabbed me 3 times in the four years and I'm glad he did it that day as I will never forgive him.

The pushing pulling and control over our relationship is similar to your pattern. Don't allow your lack of self confidence have you believe you should allow someone to treat you this way. Don't forget that each time we go back we literally sign ourselves up to be emotionally abused and left all over again.

I hope you break the cycle, spend time remembering who you were before you met him and just think, back then if someone would have asked if you'd tolerate this behaviour, what would you have said?

Good luck x

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh I definitely went through the whole gamut of "how could I not have seen this? how could I have let him treat me this badly? how did I let my own self-esteem go down the toilet while I tried to shore up his?" and on and on... .  

That's what the FOG is about, what they use (knowingly or not, I don't really know) the fear, obligation and guilt that keeps us tied to the r/s where we are working double time to "help them" and not working at all on ourselves. Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I've spent way too much time thinking about why my H was doing the things he was doing, and trying to "make him happy" but I couldn't. The decision for his own state of mind rests with him, and figuring out why he might be treating me like crap one week and nice the next didn't really change anything. I finally had to hit my own point of realizing how I've been affected, and realize what a dive my own sense of self had taken, and how much of life I was missing out on by being in this constantly exhausted state of guessing what I should be doing next.

I do know that I can still choose to stay with my H if I decide i'm strong enough to deal with the inconsistency of life and the fact that I will likely never get any of my own needs met. Can I do that? I don't have that answer yet. Because of how long we've been together I've decided to give him a year in counseling before I make any big decisions.

It's all so individual, and if I could just tell you to not blame yourself for the time you've spent on this r/s and make that go away I would, unfortunately it's all a part of what often happens to our brains in these relationships--we get running on that "trying to help them" treadmill and forget about ourselves.

Read that workshop on FOG and let me know if you think possibly his comment that he could lose his job in law enforcement if he got therapy is just another part of the FOG? i'm sure when a person in law enforcement NEEDS therapy they get it... . i'm guessing it's more an issue of "I don't really want to get therapy." What do you think?

[DreamFlyer99]

Angel!

i'm so horrified for you! How did that turn out? Did he take you to the ER?

[Angel86]

Oh I definitely went through the whole gamut of "how could I not have seen this? how could I have let him treat me this badly? how did I let my own self-esteem go down the toilet while I tried to shore up his?" and on and on... .  

That's what the FOG is about, what they use (knowingly or not, I don't really know) the fear, obligation and guilt that keeps us tied to the r/s where we are working double time to "help them" and not working at all on ourselves. Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I've spent way too much time thinking about why my H was doing the things he was doing, and trying to "make him happy" but I couldn't. The decision for his own state of mind rests with him, and figuring out why he might be treating me like crap one week and nice the next didn't really change anything. I finally had to hit my own point of realizing how I've been affected, and realize what a dive my own sense of self had taken, and how much of life I was missing out on by being in this constantly exhausted state of guessing what I should be doing next.

I do know that I can still choose to stay with my H if I decide i'm strong enough to deal with the inconsistency of life and the fact that I will likely never get any of my own needs met. Can I do that? I don't have that answer yet. Because of how long we've been together I've decided to give him a year in counseling before I make any big decisions.

It's all so individual, and if I could just tell you to not blame yourself for the time you've spent on this r/s and make that go away I would, unfortunately it's all a part of what often happens to our brains in these relationships--we get running on that "trying to help them" treadmill and forget about ourselves.

Read that workshop on FOG and let me know if you think possibly his comment that he could lose his job in law enforcement if he got therapy is just another part of the FOG? i'm sure when a person in law enforcement NEEDS therapy they get it... . i'm guessing it's more an issue of "I don't really want to get therapy." What do you think?

I feel it's an excuse, I am no expert so couldn't say for sure, but no matter a job status life events and psychological issues happen to anyone and everyone and surely seeking the correct therapy to deal with these issues in the healthiest way would be encouraged and not restricted... .

I believe that if he commited to the therapy you know there's a chance he will commit to you in the way you deserve in the future, if he does not and hides behind excuses he will never change his abusive ways and you could waste many years and be regretful in years to come for the time you wasted... . Only you can choose which would hurt less in the long run.

Angel!

i'm so horrified for you! How did that turn out? Did he take you to the ER?

My sister did, he didn't believe I was ill... . Until I called him from major incidents where I was told I could possibly die due to my heart failing so badly. He of course was full of apologies and treated me the best he ever had for months after.

It was too late by then I was just building my health back up and setting things in place to allow me to live independently when I finally asked him to leave... . It was difficult but 3 months ago I did it, he harassed me and threatened to kill me after that so I got a 28 day injunction against him, he was shocked at my turn in character and begged me for another chance which I'm giving him in a way, but not allowing him back at my home. I have decided I want it to be over for good though, and that's why I signed up to this board fingers crossed!



I hope H decides to try therapy, to give you validation of how he intends to move forward. I wish you well for your future, with or without him x

[Unique135]

After 4 years with my BPD partner and his hot and cold spells toward our relationship I can relate to your feelings of confusion, low self esteem and hope, that one day he will seek medical help... .

Due to health issues that almost caused my death I was forced to see my partner in a different light. We have a son and I do everything for him, my partner grabbed me by the throat the day I had a stroke and watched as I walked breathlessly with our son in my arms begging him to help. At the time it was just a normal day in our relationship, we didn't know I'd had a stroke and was dying of severe heart failure... . I saw him for what he was that day, he had only physically grabbed me 3 times in the four years and I'm glad he did it that day as I will never forgive him.

The pushing pulling and control over our relationship is similar to your pattern. Don't allow your lack of self confidence have you believe you should allow someone to treat you this way. Don't forget that each time we go back we literally sign ourselves up to be emotionally abused and left all over again.

I hope you break the cycle, spend time remembering who you were before you met him and just think, back then if someone would have asked if you'd tolerate this behaviour, what would you have said?

Good luck x

Angel -

I am so sorry - he is such a monster.

He has not physically abused me but whenever he gets into his mood swings, he would sit and just ignore me for an hour or so while he would be mentally somewhere else.

I guess, at this point I have such a low self esteem because I rejected the nicest men in my life because of him and now I am 30 and single while my friends are happily married with kids.  Although, I am so happy that I have finally left him and I am free to enjoy my life.

I am happy you left him as well, you don't deserve that sort of treatment from him.

[Unique135]

Oh I definitely went through the whole gamut of "how could I not have seen this? how could I have let him treat me this badly? how did I let my own self-esteem go down the toilet while I tried to shore up his?" and on and on... .  

That's what the FOG is about, what they use (knowingly or not, I don't really know) the fear, obligation and guilt that keeps us tied to the r/s where we are working double time to "help them" and not working at all on ourselves. Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I've spent way too much time thinking about why my H was doing the things he was doing, and trying to "make him happy" but I couldn't. The decision for his own state of mind rests with him, and figuring out why he might be treating me like crap one week and nice the next didn't really change anything. I finally had to hit my own point of realizing how I've been affected, and realize what a dive my own sense of self had taken, and how much of life I was missing out on by being in this constantly exhausted state of guessing what I should be doing next.

I do know that I can still choose to stay with my H if I decide i'm strong enough to deal with the inconsistency of life and the fact that I will likely never get any of my own needs met. Can I do that? I don't have that answer yet. Because of how long we've been together I've decided to give him a year in counseling before I make any big decisions.

It's all so individual, and if I could just tell you to not blame yourself for the time you've spent on this r/s and make that go away I would, unfortunately it's all a part of what often happens to our brains in these relationships--we get running on that "trying to help them" treadmill and forget about ourselves.

Read that workshop on FOG and let me know if you think possibly his comment that he could lose his job in law enforcement if he got therapy is just another part of the FOG? i'm sure when a person in law enforcement NEEDS therapy they get it... . i'm guessing it's more an issue of "I don't really want to get therapy." What do you think?

You are right - I was so caught up on why he was acting the way he was that I forgot that it was making me miserable and I had to get out.  The guilt tripping was huge - it was always my fault and he was always punishing for some little thing or another.  I was always thinking, maybe if I change, he will be better but he never became better.  years went on, and I was kind of stuck since if I got out I would be single and alone.  Right now, I am single and alone and it  is terrible since the best years of my life were spent on him.  I am depressed and I am always thinking about going back and giving it another shot but this forum made me realise that I will sink in even deeper if I do that.  I have moved to a whole another country, have to start from scratch so that I don't have to deal with him anymore.  Depression and anxiety are always present but I am trying to forget my whole past and move on.

Of course he can get therapy if he wants.  He is not willing to do so because he enjoys his life the way it is... .   He talks about suicide but I think he is just being dramatic and wants me to feel sorry for him and stick around.  He is rather enjoying the pain he is inflicting on others.

[DreamFlyer99]

Hey Unique135,

We all stay or leave for so many different reasons, it's so individual. But honestly, there are no certain ages for our "best years." When we are emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy, those are the great years. And however we've gotten to that state of health isn't as important as realizing that when we get there we're going to enjoy the heck out of it.