Are you sometimes invisible to pwBPD? I am...

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm becoming invisible to my uBPDh. I've been avoiding spending much time with him, in order to set him off less, but he seems like this is the way he wants things. The only time he makes effort to interact with me is when he wants to "talk to me", which is really just his way of finding fault with something I say so he can then blow up on me. He does this daily, and that is not an exaggeration.

My distancing myself is recent, within the last couple weeks,  because I just can't take he rage anymore. I've been very much against us "taking a break", because I really don't think marriages are supposed to have "breaks"(my parents have been married 60 years without "breaks", I think you are supposed to work on your issues. BUT, I got so tired, stressed out, and beat down by his anger, that I actually suggested us taking a "break". Of course, he backed out.

He called me yesterday, I think with the sole intent of being angry at me, and I am so fed up with all this that I told him I wished he just wouldn't come home, and I meant it. Which is really something for me to feel that way. I want our marriage to work out, and I'm willing to do the work, but he is killing me with his anger and constant blame. He said he'd come home, pack a change of clothes, and go somewhere. I made sure to be somewhere else so I didn't have to go through the pain of seeing him pack. I stayed gone a long time, but when I came home, he was STILL HERE.

He acted like nothing had happened. I made some remark about it, and he ignored me. It's harder with him being here, but knowing he wants nothing to do with me, other then he demands sex, and he wants to use me as an emotional punching bag for his anger.

How do you deal with the emotional neglect? He is always on his computer, and it is like I don't even exist for him. This weekend he is going to want me to do things HE wants me to do, like go to dinner with his daughter who hates me and mistreats me. I'm just not feeling up to it, but it will set off his rage if I don't go.

What would likely happen if I just go stay at my Mom's house for a few days? It's not like he needs me in any capacity other than to rage on anyway... . and I need a break from the rages, and the pain of loneliness.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[an0ught]

Hi Ceruleanblue,

sounds like there is more distance between you these days. Maybe something to validate as he will perceive it similar. This is not necessarily a bad thing as more distance means more natural boundaries and less problems with him raging at you. Of course he will rage more at himself and you silently. But then this is his problem and he is in a better position to solve that than you. The risk is however that too far apart and the relationship can break apart and from what you wrote your relationship is strained. Validation is a important connecting skill.

What would likely happen if I just go stay at my Mom's house for a few days? It's not like he needs me in any capacity other than to rage on anyway... . and I need a break from the rages, and the pain of loneliness.

Generally it is better to have some temporary true distance than to be close and constantly feeling the need for distance. Nobody can tell you what would happen if you take a few days off. Making your decision dependent on potential actions of a disordered person however does not sound wise. If you choose to go make it all about you and mom but don't invalidate his fear of abandonment - I know it sounds like squaring a circle. And not matter how well you communicate there would be some drama - at the moment he is quite distressed and will express whatever is at the top of his mind - whether fair or not.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, there is distance, that is true, but it seems like the only one who minds the distance is ME. I think he is perfectly comfortable having me around for an "as needed" basis. You know, like sex, and attending HIS family functions. He always falls asleep at MY family functions, and my older sister even commented on this. He really doesn't even try with my family, yet he is so angry at me for "not sucking up, and kissing my kids' ass"(his words), even though they've been horrid to me.

I need the distance, to keep me safe, but I greatly crave him to at least miss interaction. It's like he has no need of me. I didn't get married to be alone, or be raged at. At this point, I'm just wondering why he married me? It sure seems like he is always discontent with me, always blaming me, and just needs me to take his rage out on. I've tried validating him when he rages, but it doesn't seem to help? It just feels like he rages for now real reason, like he invents a reason, because it is a stress relief, or like he is addicted to the chaos. It's like he gets off on it, or enjoys hurting me.

I'd like to distance myself from our home, so I don't have to avoid him, and be hurt by his withdrawing, and the fact that I had to withdraw so I don't get raged at(although he still has sough me out to rage, every day regardless). I just don't JADE after like I used to. I may say something small, but I walk away. I guess in a way, I don't feel as invested, and I've truly accepted that this is HIS issue, and his thinking is so skewed, that only HE can change it or change the way he reacts at least.

Not sure what I'm going to do. I sure could use that break though. Funny how I went from thinking breaks are bad, to actually needing one. I guess it's just because our marriage is in no way "normal" right now.

[bpbreakout]

I can identify with you you feel.

I feel as if for most of our marriage (18 yrs) BPDw has been either pre-occupied, raging or complaining. Since discovering the BPD issue about 7-8 months ago I have been drawing boundaries and distancing myself to avoid being drawn into the negative disfunctional circular arguing that seems so prevelant with this condition. It has been like taking an unofficial break It has caused a lot of issues in our relationship but on the other hand I just couldn't go on the way we were and it has helped me regain my sense of self and I'm doing a lot more looking after myself and happier for it. BPDw actually feels neglected (and angry) in the same what that you do but also I have accepted that the raging is her problem and I feel a lot less need to JADE (that means I feel less defensive). I try to valaidate when I can but there is only so much I can do and I believe we need to draw a line on how much we do rather than feel we have to validdate every time pwBPD is disregulating - we are not their therapists. BPDw has been recommended psycotherapy/DBT but has insited we do joint counselling instead. I know part of this is about trying to blame me for her stuff but I'm happy to do this though I won't be skirting round the issues either. I'm not sure where things will head with us but I feel a lot better in myself for stepping back and taking a "break".

If you don't want to be around someone who treats you like **** then good for you 

[Samuel S.]

I empathize with you so very much. Yes, my BPDw considers me invisible and without the ability to speak.

If she wants something similar to your BPDh, then, she will ask me. If she wants her space which is 99.9% of the time, she just goes into her room and stays there.

Seeing that she has a D17, my BPDw has become a "role model" who will do the same things, but even more so. Of course, she is a typical teen, but I could say the same thing about my BPDw as well.

I have the inability to speak with my BPDw, because she almost demands it, that I am quiet around her and when she speaks. If I bring up a concern about anything, she will scoff it off, saying that her concerns are paramount. If I am really happy about something, I get a mild "that's nice" and she moves onto something that concerns her. In other words, our BPDs are selfish, having a "poor me" and "I am more important than anyone else" attitude.

Indeed, it sounds like you and I are invisible to our BPDs. One day, they may get their wish come true for one reason or another.

[OnceConfused]

 

I didn't get married to be alone, or be raged at. At this point, I'm just wondering why he married me?

May I turn the question around in another way?

Why you are not wondering why you still are married to him ?

BPD will behave the way they are inside, like squeezing a lemon will give you lemon juice and not orange juice. Normal people will change when there is a significant event (like heart attack, divorce, death) that makes them wanting to change, but BPD because of their ingrained fear of abandonment will have difficult time, understanding they are part of the problem and they also need to change.

You might want to read the book called, THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman to understand  how to keep the loving r.s going beyond the initial falling in love stage. If your h. does not want to speak your love language (like quality time & affirmation) then your marriage is heading to an INEVITABLE demise. That book helped understand that sooner or later, my r.s. with xBPD would end, and so I did not want to waste my time accommodating xBPD's craziness.

You can go to all therapies , change to whatever your H wants you to be but if you are not happy then one day ... . (I let you finish the paragraph)

[Ceruleanblue]

My uBPDh had just  read The Five Love Languages when we first started dating. I thought that was a good sign. Ha! I try to keep his tank filled, and give him what he tells me he needs, but in actuality he just doesn't care at all about my needs. My needs are annoying and bothersome to him. He doesn't even think I should have any needs. He will say he does, but he goes right back to being neglectful, punishing, and only wanting to do his own thing.

He's a combination of Borderline with Narcissistic traits, which is not a great cocktail for love. I'm hanging in there, but the environment is to hostile, and I'm sick of everything being about HIM, HIM, HIM, while I'm dying inside because I'm constantly devalued, and lonely.

I have others to talk to, I can build a network of friends for support, but for me, it won't be the same as getting those needs fulfilled by my spouse. I grew up in a stable, loving marriage where those things were displayed daily, so it's doubly hard for me to accept how I get treated, and the emotional wasteland that is our marriage.

I've set more boundaries, but that has at least temporarily made things worse and driven us further apart. He is distancing even further because he feels I'm doing it for "bad" reasons. You know, in his eyes, it's all about HIM, so I'm not allowed to do anything to protect me. It's such a hard personality type to live with.

[Samuel S.]

I empathize 100% with you! As you say, you are devalued for being you, and you are lonely in a marriage that originated in love that has turned into basically hate. It sounds like you are waiting for your BPDh to come to the realization that he has been a fool all the time and that he will somehow change. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have been fooled into believing he was your ideal mate. I too was fooled into believing my BPDw was my ideal mate. Now that yours and mine have let their guard down, they feel comfortable devaluing us so that they can feel superior while we are supposedly the scum of the Earth.

Please know that you do have value and that you do deserve better than what you have been given. Like you though, I too feel devalued and lonely, hoping for a turn-around. In my situation, I have been married to her for the last 13 years, and it has been slow process of telling me that I am no good.

Please continue extending yourself to your friends who know your value. Please do those things outside your house (not your home) that are positive. It has been because I have done this, that I have been able to feel valued and respected.

[Ceruleanblue]

I really don't need anyone else to tell me I'm a wonderful person, I do know I am, but I guess I just expected my spouse naturally would. He definitely did a "bait and switch" on me. He pretended to be so passive, when in actuality, he is anything but. We had normal conversations and interactions when we dated. The only hint I ever got, and I discounted it because he has "issues" in this area, was that he was sexually a little selfish. I attributed it to his "issues"(actually ED). I figured there are so many things more important than sex, like how he respected me, how good he was to me, how he listened to me... . all the things he doesn't do now.

He is never going to make me feel like I'm less of a person, or get me to buy into his warped view of me, like EVER. I'm just sad, that he is unable to see what other's can see in me. I'm sad that no matter how honest I am, I'm still accused, no matter how kind, I'm told I'm mean,  no matter how hard I try, I'm told it's not enough. It just wears on you. I know it's not true, but I hate constantly hearing his warped reality. I try to validate his "dysregulation", but I'm not going to validate his false view of ME.

He is so unfair, has so many double standards, lies, manipulates, and is truly mean, and likes to degrade me. I want to keep loving him, but how? I feel he is pushing me away on purpose. I feel like he is failing to meet any of my needs on purpose. I know he can control "some" of this more than he does.

Today was just a really bad day. I got lost in the city he works, without a cell phone, and I borrowed a phone, and he wouldn't even come and get me. It's hard to feel like he even has a soul sometimes.

[Samuel S.]

Indeed, you are a wonderful person, and that's probably one of the reasons why your BPDh acts the way he does. He doesn't have the ability to be compassionate, because he is so selfish. It doesn't mean it can't happen, but he may be jealous of you.

Here's an example of my BPDw's selfishness. Today, she left early to go to an overnight class out of town. Other than "have a great day" which was just blah, she didn't even ask me what I was going to do having this freedom. In fact, she never asks or cares. I do have plans to meet with a former student and his son for lunch, go to a movie, and simply relax.

Indeed, you, other nonBPDs, and I are BPDs' last priority, to say the least, unless we are not there to listen to them or if we give money for them and their selfish desires.

All we can do is put up the boundaries of not making their reality ours. I have decided when my BPDw becomes negative and offensive, I am just going to walk out and come back later, if we are here. If we are in the car, then, it's hard. I do remember one time when we were in the car, she was being negative and offensive. I was driving. So, I go in the U-turn lane instead of going straight. She asked why I did that. I said I am not going to tolerate her abusiveness. She quickly changed her manner of being. She knew I meant business.

I guess the point is that we non BPDs have to show BPDs how ridiculous and how cruel they really are either by walking out or if we are driving, to make a U-turn. If they are driving with abusiveness going on and as dramatic as it sounds, when it comes time to stop, to get out of the car and to just walk away. Freedom, our freedom, is much more important than their abusiveness.

Hang in there! 

[mace17]

I can relate to this feeling too.  If I have a bad day, or have something I need to talk about that is important to me, H barely listens and is seems like he is just doing the minimum to act like he's paying attention but he obviously doesn't care.  But if he had a bad day or wants to talk about something, if I don't focus on him 100% or get distracted by something, he gets upset and accuses me of not caring.  Or if I forget one little detail of something he said weeks ago, same thing - I don't care enough to pay attention. 

One time I was trying to explain how I felt about my birth family and why they were important to me in spite of being rather difficult to get along with at times.  He just completely tuned me out, and just said my birth mom is a bi**h and he doesn't know why I even talk to her.  It kind of hurt because I was spilling my guts to him about how it felt to be adopted and find my birth family, and he obviously didn't really care.  Probably because it wasn't about him.

He also does not give me any affection, like random hugs or just putting his arm around me, unless he wants something.  Makes me feel very used at times.  I'm sorry you are all experiencing the same thing, it is very frustrating!

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, feeling used is not a good feeling whatsoever, like if we are their punching bags. On the other hand, if they were the ones to be punched, they would not like that too much at all. Yeah, it is a horrible double standard when in fact, we nonBPDs wish to be treated equally and fairly.

You mentioned how if they have complaints, that is all that matters. If you have complaints, then, their complaints are much more important. You can feel invalidated while we are supposed to validate them, no matter what. For me, not only am I invalidated, I feel deflated due to her need to be overpowering.

When my BPDw gets into her negative mode, I either tune out or leave. Speaking about tuning out when she is in her negative mode, I was in the hospital over a year ago three different times due to blood clot issues. The second time I was in the hospital, the first day, she was all caring. By the third day, she visited me saying: ":)o you know how much this hospital bill is going to cost?" I was so upset with her. I didn't even look at her. She was more interested in the cost than my health! After she left, the nurse came in, and I cried. I then saw a social worker who validated me and said that my BPDw was cruel and verbally abusive. By the way, she never apologized. Also, by the way, due to having three insurance policies, we did not have any expenses due to my hospitalization. UGH!

[Ceruleanblue]

Samuel S:

I totally get what you say about the person with BPD needing or expecting to be validated, yet never being able to validate you in return. I keep thinking that the more I validate my uBPDh, that he might catch on, and be able to validate my feelings or worries at some point.

We've had a hard few days, because his daughter got married, and she majorly crossed a boundary of my husband's. When he tried to address it with her, she barged out of the restaurant. Plus, I found out that my husband's family is suddenly super accepting towards his ex, and that is a major problem for me, as this woman not only cheated/left him, but PHYSICALLY ABUSED him for years. He has a scar on his face, so how can his "family" just forget that?

I'm so sick of dealing with all these toxic types in his family. Bringing his ex around, just might the final straw for me. If she starts attending my husband's close family functions, I'm not going to attend. Ex's are ex's for a reason. I can't control who his family invites to their functions, but it would greatly hurt uBPDh if they did that, and I'm be frankly livid. This woman has gone crazy on me on several occasions for no reason.

It's not just uBPDh, it's his unaccepting, mean, grown kids too, and now his family acting like his ex was not an abuser to him(and treating her like she is family, yet I'm not). I feel like I've entered the TWIGHLIGHT ZONE!

And of course, as you said, my husband can't validate or empathize why I'm upset by all this. He is hurt by his families lack of seeming loyalty, but he can't seem to see how it hurts me FOR  him, but also because they seem to accept that evil woman more than me, his current wife(and I can probably thank his lying kids for that).

[Samuel S.]

You truly are dealing with a lot of negativity around you, Ceruleanblue! They are living in denial while you see the reality of the issues going on there. That's a horrible situation! Yeah, staying away from that negativity is the best possible solution, if at all possible. When you think that there is so much to live for, so much to love for, and with so little time really that we have on this Earth, it is best to either move on with your life without them or to resolve things for a better life with all concerned. Frankly, moving on is the best, but it sure is hard to do! Hang in there!