Sense of Doom

[Hopeless777]

I'm now six weeks out with limited contact. I see my therapist once a week. I work on my business, go to the gym, power walk, read (mostly BPD books), and watch movies, sports, 24. Spend time with my 25 year old son on Sunday nights, etc. My therapist is "accessing" my uBPDw on Monday (tomorrow) for the second time to determine whether we are a good fit with the therapist for marital counseling. This may begin on Tuesday. Or, then again, she may say we're too messed up for her and refer us on. Very unsettling since I have developed a good relationship (I think) with the therapist.

Sometimes, like today, I wake up with a sense of impending doom. I have to take Lunesta to sleep or I just lie awake, which is real bad. But this morning, I just wake up and "feel" like something really bad is going to happen. This occurs maybe once a week. I try to just get up and get moving and get doing. I'm still way too fragile to socialize much. Plus I still "hope and pray" that the marital counseling will "work." I just finished reading the excellent book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama a Take Back Your Life" by Margalis Fjelstad, and based on the book and this excellent site, I know I have no chance of things ever being normal with her and am trying to learn strategies to successfully cope if we get back together. In other words, I think I'm doing everything right.

But I still get this sense of doom. I guess because so much is still up in the air (e.g., permanent separation and divorce, splitting up of assets, etc.) and I'm not well yet, which I feel may take years. Is this normal? God, I'd be thrilled at this point to just be able to fall asleep without pills!

[enlighten me]

Hi Hope

Yes it is perfectly normal. The lying awake with my head going around and around in circles. The panic that I have done something wrong or theyre on their way home and will rip into me for something.

I only found peace and slept once I had finally decided enough was enough and made up my mind to leave. I think it was the best nights sleep I had had in months.

[Boss302]

I'm now six weeks out with limited contact. I see my therapist once a week. I work on my business, go to the gym, power walk, read (mostly BPD books), and watch movies, sports, 24. Spend time with my 25 year old son on Sunday nights, etc. My therapist is "accessing" my uBPDw on Monday (tomorrow) for the second time to determine whether we are a good fit with the therapist for marital counseling. This may begin on Tuesday. Or, then again, she may say we're too messed up for her and refer us on. Very unsettling since I have developed a good relationship (I think) with the therapist.

Sometimes, like today, I wake up with a sense of impending doom. I have to take Lunesta to sleep or I just lie awake, which is real bad. But this morning, I just wake up and "feel" like something really bad is going to happen. This occurs maybe once a week. I try to just get up and get moving and get doing. I'm still way too fragile to socialize much. Plus I still "hope and pray" that the marital counseling will "work." I just finished reading the excellent book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama a Take Back Your Life" by Margalis Fjelstad, and based on the book and this excellent site, I know I have no chance of things ever being normal with her and am trying to learn strategies to successfully cope if we get back together. In other words, I think I'm doing everything right.

But I still get this sense of doom. I guess because so much is still up in the air (e.g., permanent separation and divorce, splitting up of assets, etc.) and I'm not well yet, which I feel may take years. Is this normal? God, I'd be thrilled at this point to just be able to fall asleep without pills!

A lot of what you're feeling here might be old fashioned stress that anyone in your situation (failed marriage, recently moved out, impending divorce, etc) might feel, combined with the stress of dealing with a BPD. Keep focusing on yourself. And I think a good question to ask yourself is this: do you really WANT to cope with her? Is that what's healthiest for you in the long run?

[Hopeless777]

Well I guess the problem is that I "idolized" her. She was everything; I became nothing. It was wrong of me, but I'm the rescuer and got lost in the process. Two panic attacks today. Nearly scared me to death (literally, I was driving.) I want to sleep without pills. So my therapist is sending me to a psychiatrist to change the sleep medication. I'm kind of a mess. I want to do funds things again. But all the things I like were things "we" did together. I can't bring myself to do those things now. I feel sad and hopeless.