What should I expect?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

Last few days have been difficult. Although I feel I'm gaining strength with each day that passes and I'm finding a bit more stability and mental clarity, I've come to an unsettling part of this journey.

Relationship ended around two months ago, no contact for exactly one month today. Despite all I now know about the disorder through having read the experiences of others in this community, there is a significant part of me that just can't accept this reality. The near instant flip from idealization/devaluation, white/black is profoundly shocking to my core. I'm literally a ghost to her and I don't exist in her world. It seems as if she no longer possesses even a single memory of who I am or what we shared. We work in the same office and by now our paths should have crossed in passing but it isn't so.

I reached out to her sister and explained I couldn't understand the silent treatment post breakup and her sister said, "Knowing my sister, I advise to move on. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

I asked, "Move on completely? With no expectation of friendship even?" And she replied, "Can you truly just be friends? Move on."

Our relationship was very public at work. Our coworkers keep coming up to me expressing their shock and disbelief. I went out of my way so many times for her, cooking her dinner and bringing it to work for her, comforting her when she was sick, showering her with gifts and affection. Everybody saw this going on. I've been there a lot longer than her so these people know me well. As far as I know she hasn't begun a smear campaign. She might see it as too difficult to accomplish... . I really don't know.

I sit at my desk with my headphones on and watch the trees blowing in the wind, feeling a sinking in my chest, an oppressive weight. The memories play over and over in my head like an endless movie. She's dating her ex again, the one she vilified to me repeatedly.

I don't want to just move on or let go. I do understand it's for the best but I am willingly disregarding this. I want her to acknowledge my existence, to text me a simple hello, to say something, anything! I can get through most days alright but she still appears every damn night in my dreams, haunting me and taunting me. These dreams are the only true peace I seem to find now. I often find myself wishing I could just fall asleep and never wake up, staying there forever with her.

There isn't a moment of any day I waste. I don't watch TV, I don't laze around the house. But I feel like I'm just acting. Work out excessively at the gym, ride my bike, paint, write, hang out with friends, yoga, work full time, cook my own meals, see therapist once a week, read all your stories to educate myself, find comfort and healing. Rinse and repeat. I'm no longer enjoying my existence. I can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I just laid in bed all day dwelling. Yet nothing seems to provide any modicum of enjoyment or pleasure. I feel hollow and alone, having an existential crisis. I'd give just about anything to just go back to being her man. I did all the same things I do now only with a bit of moderation, except it all had meaning and seemed to serve a purpose. Codependent? Most definitely. I feel no shame in this.

In your experience:

1) Did your ex reach out to you post breakup?

2) If yes, how long did it take? If no, what do you believe is the reason they're not willing to communicate with you?

3) How do you cope with the damn silent treatment. Therapist says don't take it personally, it's her coping mechanism for shame and guilt. Her sister says she's not talking because she doesn't want to "lead me on". Everyone else says "just give her some time". I question does she hate me? Is she scared of me? Is she protecting her new relationship? Does she even remember me? Does she think of me at all when nobody else is looking, in the moments when she's lying in bed just closing her eyes about to fall asleep?

In the first week after we broke up I signed up to some website that provided advice for how to win your ex back. Supposedly after 30 days of NC that's your best chance to write a brief letter and then cross your fingers. Only that's in a normal relationship. I don't know the dynamics of a BPD breakup.

Is going no contact really the best idea for someone who is inevitably going to view it as abandonment, even though they abandoned you? Pursuing won't work either. There's no viable solution other than "moving on".

I was going to marry her. All I had to do was get on one knee. Soulmate this, love of my life that. I was convinced it was all real. Now I live in a world where we can't even talk to one another? What kind of sinister power in the universe came up with BPD? What purpose does it serve? To teach us a lesson? I understand schizophrenia. I understand physical ailments too. But I can't understand BPD. My greatest fear is I will never find what I'm looking for. I enjoy the "soulmate" notion of love far too much. I look around at all other couples and just can't see anything I would want for myself. Sure they last a lot longer and it must be more authentic but the passion and intensity just seems boring and muted by comparison. I foresee myself repeating the same pattern of seeking out BPD partners. Maybe I enjoy the abuse and the chaos in some twisted way. Very unhealthy. What have I become?

[LostGhost]

Hello all,

Last few days have been difficult. Although I feel I'm gaining strength with each day that passes and I'm finding a bit more stability and mental clarity, I've come to an unsettling part of this journey.

Relationship ended around two months ago, no contact for exactly one month today. Despite all I now know about the disorder through having read the experiences of others in this community, there is a significant part of me that just can't accept this reality. The near instant flip from idealization/devaluation, white/black is profoundly shocking to my core. I'm literally a ghost to her and I don't exist in her world. It seems as if she no longer possesses even a single memory of who I am or what we shared. We work in the same office and by now our paths should have crossed in passing but it isn't so.

I reached out to her sister and explained I couldn't understand the silent treatment post breakup and her sister said, "Knowing my sister, I advise to move on. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

I asked, "Move on completely? With no expectation of friendship even?" And she replied, "Can you truly just be friends? Move on."

Our relationship was very public at work. Our coworkers keep coming up to me expressing their shock and disbelief. I went out of my way so many times for her, cooking her dinner and bringing it to work for her, comforting her when she was sick, showering her with gifts and affection. Everybody saw this going on. I've been there a lot longer than her so these people know me well. As far as I know she hasn't begun a smear campaign. She might see it as too difficult to accomplish... . I really don't know.

I sit at my desk with my headphones on and watch the trees blowing in the wind, feeling a sinking in my chest, an oppressive weight. The memories play over and over in my head like an endless movie. She's dating her ex again, the one she vilified to me repeatedly.

I don't want to just move on or let go. I do understand it's for the best but I am willingly disregarding this. I want her to acknowledge my existence, to text me a simple hello, to say something, anything! I can get through most days alright but she still appears every damn night in my dreams, haunting me and taunting me. These dreams are the only true peace I seem to find now. I often find myself wishing I could just fall asleep and never wake up, staying there forever with her.

There isn't a moment of any day I waste. I don't watch TV, I don't laze around the house. But I feel like I'm just acting. Work out excessively at the gym, ride my bike, paint, write, hang out with friends, yoga, work full time, cook my own meals, see therapist once a week, read all your stories to educate myself, find comfort and healing. Rinse and repeat. I'm no longer enjoying my existence. I can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I just laid in bed all day dwelling. Yet nothing seems to provide any modicum of enjoyment or pleasure. I feel hollow and alone, having an existential crisis. I'd give just about anything to just go back to being her man. I did all the same things I do now only with a bit of moderation, except it all had meaning and seemed to serve a purpose. Codependent? Most definitely. I feel no shame in this.

In your experience:

1) Did your ex reach out to you post breakup?

2) If yes, how long did it take? If no, what do you believe is the reason they're not willing to communicate with you?

3) How do you cope with the damn silent treatment. Therapist says don't take it personally, it's her coping mechanism for shame and guilt. Her sister says she's not talking because she doesn't want to "lead me on". Everyone else says "just give her some time". I question does she hate me? Is she scared of me? Is she protecting her new relationship? Does she even remember me? Does she think of me at all when nobody else is looking, in the moments when she's lying in bed just closing her eyes about to fall asleep?

In the first week after we broke up I signed up to some website that provided advice for how to win your ex back. Supposedly after 30 days of NC that's your best chance to write a brief letter and then cross your fingers. Only that's in a normal relationship. I don't know the dynamics of a BPD breakup.

Is going no contact really the best idea for someone who is inevitably going to view it as abandonment, even though they abandoned you? Pursuing won't work either. There's no viable solution other than "moving on".

I was going to marry her. All I had to do was get on one knee. Soulmate this, love of my life that. I was convinced it was all real. Now I live in a world where we can't even talk to one another? What kind of sinister power in the universe came up with BPD? What purpose does it serve? To teach us a lesson? I understand schizophrenia. I understand physical ailments too. But I can't understand BPD. My greatest fear is I will never find what I'm looking for. I enjoy the "soulmate" notion of love far too much. I look around at all other couples and just can't see anything I would want for myself. Sure they last a lot longer and it must be more authentic but the passion and intensity just seems boring and muted by comparison. I foresee myself repeating the same pattern of seeking out BPD partners. Maybe I enjoy the abuse and the chaos in some twisted way. Very unhealthy. What have I become?

[enlighten me]

Hi Lostghost

Its tough. We cannot comprehend their behaviour because its not how we think.

The hard truth is she is gone. The person you loved was a figment of both of your imaginations. It hurts us like mourning the death of a loved one only this loved one keeps popping up to remind us of our pain.

It took me ages to get over my ex wife I thought she was histrionic but now I know about BPD then I realise she had it.

Im getting over my exgf a lot quicker. Firstly because Ive been through this madness once before but more importantly I understand her better through finding out about BPD.

You cannot take it personally. You filled a temporary gap. Yes I do think they have feelings for us but they cant control their urges like a drug addict. The more they try to control them the more frustrated and guilty they get. The more guilt they have the more they want to get away from that source of guilt i.e. you.


As for your questions.

Beware of them reaching out to you as they may just be trying to recycle you.

My ex wife said to me two months ago " I have done a lot of thinking lately and I realise I have never thanked you for everything you did for me" She is about to get married again and I cannot take what she has said as a sincere statement.

It has taken her 3 1/2 years to come out with that statement.

The silent treatment isn't because they have wiped you out of their memory its because they are supressing their guilt and you trigger it. Remember you are dealing with a child in an adults body when it comes to emotions. They know they have done something wrong but rather than do the grown up thing they run and hide, lock themselves in their bedroom, shift the blame onto others anything and everything to avoid taking account of their actions.

You cannot rationalise their behaviour by thinking they think like you.

Take each day as it comes, look at it logically how good where the good days? I bet they weren't as great as you think. What ratio of good(ish) days to bad was it? I recon It was 1 in 10 for me. Why beat yourself up over someone that made 90% of your time together miserable?

My biggest thing is to think the worst. If your on the road to recovery and find out something later its like being dragged back to the start. Its like a game of snakes and ladders. I never thought my ex wife would cheat but found out she did and down I went telling myself it was only the one time. as Im working my way back I then find out about someone else. Down I go again. and so on and so fourth. If I had just accepted that everything I thought I knew about her was a lie and that she had probably been sleeping around a lot then when the truth came out I would have been ready and not fallen back as far as I did.