I'm thinking about making contact...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been NC with my ex for the past 3 months, with the only activity being a private message which she sent to my close friend four weeks ago telling him that she would be leaving the city very soon and wishing him "all the best in life". We no longer live close to one another (in fact, I have no idea where she is) and yet I still find myself thinking about her, even though we broke up over 6 months ago.

She bought me an experience day for Christmas that entails me driving four supercars for a day. Even though I would thoroughly enjoy this, I was unsure about whether I wanted to do it, since it was bought for me by her. However, recently I phoned up and booked to participate in the experience day in two weeks time. Now I am seriously considering sending a text message to her, since I think that she will appreciate that I have spent her efforts wisely. I therefore plan to send something like this to her upon completion of the event (assuming that it is a fun day out, etc.):

"Hey ******, I don't even expect you to know who this is anymore and I will completely understand if you choose not to reply. But I just thought you would appreciate me telling you that I recently completed the experience day which you bought me for Christmas (it took me long enough!). I had the best time and I wanted to thank you for enabling me to do it. Despite everything that's happened since, I do sometimes realise that you knew me really well and you were a brilliant girlfriend. Hope that you're ok x"

What do people think to this idea? Would you add anything or take anything out? Or would you send it in the first place? I mean, I do want to tell her, kind of for closure, but also because no matter what I do I still find myself going over and over things in my head, thinking about her. Her sending a message to my friend made me remember her and want to contact her again. It's so hard to know that I'll never see her again. Thanks in advance for any advice, and apologies for the length ☺

[newc1992]

I have been NC with my ex for the past 3 months, with the only activity being a private message which she sent to my close friend four weeks ago telling him that she would be leaving the city very soon and wishing him "all the best in life". We no longer live close to one another (in fact, I have no idea where she is) and yet I still find myself thinking about her, even though we broke up over 6 months ago.

She bought me an experience day for Christmas that entails me driving four supercars for a day. Even though I would thoroughly enjoy this, I was unsure about whether I wanted to do it, since it was bought for me by her. However, recently I phoned up and booked to participate in the experience day in two weeks time. Now I am seriously considering sending a text message to her, since I think that she will appreciate that I have spent her efforts wisely. I therefore plan to send something like this to her upon completion of the event (assuming that it is a fun day out, etc.):

"Hey ******, I don't even expect you to know who this is anymore and I will completely understand if you choose not to reply. But I just thought you would appreciate me telling you that I recently completed the experience day which you bought me for Christmas (it took me long enough!). I had the best time and I wanted to thank you for enabling me to do it. Despite everything that's happened since, I do sometimes realise that you knew me really well and you were a brilliant girlfriend. Hope that you're ok x"

What do people think to this idea? Would you add anything or take anything out? Or would you send it in the first place? I mean, I do want to tell her, kind of for closure, but also because no matter what I do I still find myself going over and over things in my head, thinking about her. Her sending a message to my friend made me remember her and want to contact her again. It's so hard to know that I'll never see her again. Thanks in advance for any advice, and apologies for the length ☺

[LettingGo14]

What do people think to this idea? Would you add anything or take anything out? Or would you send it in the first place? I mean, I do want to tell her, kind of for closure, but also because no matter what I do I still find myself going over and over things in my head, thinking about her. Her sending a message to my friend made me remember her and want to contact her again. It's so hard to know that I'll never see her again. Thanks in advance for any advice, and apologies for the length ☺

This is where the rubber meets the road for most of us, my friend.   I concur with the statement I bolded above.   And, from that, flows this answer -- which may or may not work for you.  Only you can decide what is best for you.

I think it's important for you to start with your goal for making contact.

If just a "thanks" then you could say simply, "I recently completed the experience day which you bought me for Christmas. I had the best time and I wanted to thank you for enabling me to do it."

If goal is more than thanks, like (a) closure, or (b) testing, I'd ask myself:

1. what if I get no reply -- how will I feel?

2. what if I get a nasty reply -- how will I feel?

3. what if I get a nice reply -- how will I feel?

Obviously, we don't know until we get 1, 2, or 3, but testing your feelings is important.   

One of the best pieces of advice I received here (and the hardest to enforce in my mind) is "let go."   Sometimes a final e-mail is important, and sometimes not.  We can only make those decisions for ourselves; however, getting perspectives here is a good start.  I'm sure others will have thoughts.

[Tausk]

I agree with LettingGO.  A thank you card is polite, but given that so many unpolite things occured between you two, it's not necessary at this point.  

So what is your motivation?  Honestly.  :)o you want validation?  :)o you want remorse from her?  :)o you want control?  :)o you want to recycle?

Can you write the note with detachment?

It can be a slippery slope down the rabbit hole of the Disorder.  So any contact is risky.  :)o you tell a heroin junkie that might be OK to sample a taste after abstaining for three months.

So, the decision is yours.  I wouldn't since the upside is limited.   Nothing will change the Disorder.  And the potential downside from disappointment to recycle to never recovering... .can be high.

So maybe the answer is which action best answers the question, "What can I do to help me let go and recover from the Disorder?"

[BacknthSaddle]

I agree with the others. I'll just add that asking the question "how will I feel if I get such and such response," and then asking "what will that lead me to do" is very productive for me. I usually find that like 95% of potential responses are going to lead to me being upset, and most of those are going to lead me to provoke a conversation that is going to end up making me feel even worse. After having this conversation with myself, avoiding contact is just a little bit easier.

[antjs]

I can relate to where you come from. I recently landed a job and my ex was the one who helped me to enhance my CV. i thanked her... .IN MY MIND ! yes she did something good for you but thats when she was feeling positively about you. for me BPD reminds me of "the plate of the day" when it comes to feelings.

remember that any contact either positive or negative will ensure her that she still has a string attached to your heart. If you get the silent treatment (as happened to me) it will crash you. If you get the bad reply, it will crash you. If you get the good reply, you will begin to wonder and ask a lot of questions that will overload your brain or you open a door for a recycle that will crash you.

[newc1992]

Thanks for all the advice. Part of me feels the need to thank her for the opportunity she has provided, whilst I also feel that she deserves to know, especially as she spent an awful lot of money, time and effort to find such a present. The issue I have is that I also want to contact her. Her recent message to my friend have been attributed by everyone (including her) as being a means to try to reengage me, since she is probably too afraid to make contact herself. Whether this is the case or not, I cannot say. However, I do know that I am simply not ready to let go of her. It's frustrating, because all of me wants to detach. I know that any relationship with her will never work out, but yet I find myself thinking about her, and wanting to speak to her again. I think that would be validating to me more than anything, as a relationship with her will not work out.

If I did contact her, I highly doubt I would get a response, and it would show her that she still has a string to my heart. But a lot of me feels that she already knows that the string still exists. I think that she was testing to see if that was the case when she made contact with my friend a few weeks ago. Luckily he didn't reply, and I have remained NC, but I still think that she is aware that she still has the key to my heart. Perhaps not because of anything evidential, but because she HAS to. She NEEDS to have someone to love her, because she doesn't love herself.

So I am left with the options of:

a) not making contact. She will still assume that feelings are there, whether that be the case or not. And I will continue to feel pain and think about her.

b) making contact and get nothing in response. This would tell me that I HAVE to move on for my own sanity. She would know that I wasn't over her, which would give her an ego boost. But receiving the silent treatment would tell me that there is no longer any point in thinking about her anymore. I may aswell wish her the best and move on. This option is the most likely, and I should have probably done it a long time ago. But I am not ready to move on yet. The problem is, the longer I wait, the more chance there is that I'll be hurt even more than I already am.

c) making contact and receiving a response. This is the least likely option. I would have to tread especially carefully around her in order to avoid a recycle. But at least it would show that she does (occasionally) still think about me and realise that she probably should have stayed with me, albeit she would never admit that.

I hope this makes sense to everyone. It's difficult to put my feelings into words sometimes. Thanks again for any comments.

[Tausk]

Newc:  

Can you wait three months to send a thank you card?  Can you ask your friends not to let you know about any information about your ex?  Closure means closing the doors that allow access to be further hurt by the Disorder.  It's not about your ex.  It's about the Disorder.

I know how hard the addiction is to fight.  And the pull is hardest 3-4 months in.  It's like the adrenaline is gone from the initial abstinence and all that we are left with is looking at ourselves and the void, or trying to fill the void back up with the our exes.

IMHO, and very HO, if you go back you're looking for a world of pain and hurt. She's been with countless men besides you since the very first day you met her.    And you want to go back?  She will devalue you again, and leave you again and again and again, and cheat on you again and again and again.

Since you've on the the Board,  what you have learned about yourself?  Why do you want to go back?  Just missing her is not good enough of a reason.  What have you gained from the time apart.  :)o you see the FOG lifting?   Use that clarity to guide you and to avoid following blind pain.  There is growth in our pain today. 

Remember, if you go back, please radically accept that she has a Disorder and that if you go back that means that you are best off radically accepting that she will leave you repeatedly and she will cheat on your repeatedly.  Radically accept those behaviors as FACT, because the it's part of her DISORDER. Radically accept that the Disorder always wins.

And also are you seeing a therapist?  If not, it's time.  Because an alternative to going back to the pain, which will be exponentially worse, is to grit through the abandonment depression that you are feeling now, and take steps to learn about your self and to become stronger.

I had to do the above, after numerous recycles.  After each recycle I lost so much more.  Until I didn't even recognize myself.   I lost so much that I still don't know if I'll ever recover.  But today, I am so much clearer, so much more a person, so much more of who I always wanted to be... .But it was more painful road than I wanted it to be with my exwBPD to get me here.

I hope that you decide to avoid my pain.   I hope that you recover NOW.  Learn why you want to go back to someone who does not ever really think about you,  has limited neurological capacity to deal with emotions, who does not have the capacity to love, and whose actions are like that of an emotional zombie.  She will devour you and then leave you on the side of the road.

I know, I've been there.

I rarely give flat out advice.  I usually just state my experiences or impart my understanding of the Disorder as it pertained to me.   I hope you can forgive me for my overt suggestions.  I hope you are able to make a choice by recognizing how powerless you are to your ex.

Be well and remember the Board will be here no matter what.

In support

T

[bewildered2]

if you make contact this is what will happen:

1. if she is in the "happy" phase with another guy she will ignore you

2. if she is in or heading to the "unhappy" phase with the new guy, and if she doesn't have a replacement lined up already, she will respond

if she ignores you, it will make you unhappy.

if she replies, it means she is interested in meeting up, which will make you unhappy. in fact, it will result in making you even more unhappy than you've been before. that's the way it is with a borderline.

you probably have a little fantasy that if you meet up, that she will have realized the error of her ways, realize you are the best thing that ever happened to her, and that you'd be happy together again. she might feel that way, but it won't last. and before long she'll be cheating on you again, and blaming you for it too.

so, given that these are the possible outcomes, you know intellectually that contacting her is a bad idea.

i hope, for your sake, that you will find the strength to remain no contact. it is hard. we all know that. but giving in to the temptation can not cause you anything but more pain, it will set you back.

she has already contacted you (in her way, through your friend), and you stayed strong. well done. try and do it again. in time you won't care, and you'll see her for what she is, which is a sad person who needs a lot of professional help.

hang in there buddy. we've been there too and know every emotion you are feeling.

b2