The importance of letting go

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today was another reminder of the importance of forgiving or letting go.  A few things happened which really set me off, and I realized I've been ruminating most of the day about what a terrible person my ex is and what a blind fool my step son is for being still wrapped up in her.

It reminded me that letting go or forgiving means being done torturing ourselves.  Our anger rises, but if it does not reach a crest and then die down, it means we aren't letting go.  We step into a torture chamber, and we perseverate and ruminate angrily about them.  We think about how terrible they are.  We squeeze them in our minds.  We want them to be tortured in our torture chamber, but really... .we are.  Only us.  They aren't effected one bit by our little bitter tantrum between our ears, no matter how deeply we burn against them within.  Only we are burning.  Only we are hindered and kept from enjoying our day or enjoying our lives, not them. 

It also reminded me that letting go and forgiving has nothing to do with them.  They don't need to "earn" it because it has nothing to do with them.  It has to do with us.  It has to do with our freedom, our health, our ability to find our potential and live the lives we are meant to live.  It has to do with our choice to let go of the insane idea that our self-torturous demand for control and justice will do anything to bring it.

Maybe when God tells us to forgive, He is telling us because it is best for us -not just some bare command.  He is essentially telling us to, "be free!"

[OutOfEgypt]

Today was another reminder of the importance of forgiving or letting go.  A few things happened which really set me off, and I realized I've been ruminating most of the day about what a terrible person my ex is and what a blind fool my step son is for being still wrapped up in her.

It reminded me that letting go or forgiving means being done torturing ourselves.  Our anger rises, but if it does not reach a crest and then die down, it means we aren't letting go.  We step into a torture chamber, and we perseverate and ruminate angrily about them.  We think about how terrible they are.  We squeeze them in our minds.  We want them to be tortured in our torture chamber, but really... .we are.  Only us.  They aren't effected one bit by our little bitter tantrum between our ears, no matter how deeply we burn against them within.  Only we are burning.  Only we are hindered and kept from enjoying our day or enjoying our lives, not them. 

It also reminded me that letting go and forgiving has nothing to do with them.  They don't need to "earn" it because it has nothing to do with them.  It has to do with us.  It has to do with our freedom, our health, our ability to find our potential and live the lives we are meant to live.  It has to do with our choice to let go of the insane idea that our self-torturous demand for control and justice will do anything to bring it.

Maybe when God tells us to forgive, He is telling us because it is best for us -not just some bare command.  He is essentially telling us to, "be free!"

[fromheeltoheal]

Good take on things OOE.  Anger is a stage, a phase of healing, and it's important to feel it all the way; the only way out is through.  The only problem with that processing is when and if we get stuck there, start to live there, instead of move through it as part of moving on.  We don't want to live there too long, but it takes what it takes, for me it was about 6-8 months, and that phase didn't start until about 6 months after I left her.  But it was a phase and it did end.

An important way to not live in anger, take up residence, is change your focus.  After we left a borderline, or they left us, everything about them is in the past.  Changing our focus to the present, an important skill when we're striving to feel current emotions all the way, and then eventually shifting the focus further to the future, is very helpful in moving on.  Think about it: our exes are nowhere in our future, a bright future of our own design, better for the experience we gleaned from our past.  Take what we need, leave the rest, move forward, the key to happiness is progress, progress towards the life of our dreams.

[Blimblam]

It reminded me that letting go or forgiving means being done torturing ourselves.  Our anger rises, but if it does not reach a crest and then die down, it means we aren't letting go.  We step into a torture chamber, and we perseverate and ruminate angrily about them.  We think about how terrible they are.  We squeeze them in our minds.  We want them to be tortured in our torture chamber, but really... .we are.  Only us.  They aren't effected one bit by our little bitter tantrum between our ears, no matter how deeply we burn against them within.  Only we are burning.  Only we are hindered and kept from enjoying our day or enjoying our lives, not them. 

It also reminded me that letting go and forgiving has nothing to do with them.  They don't need to "earn" it because it has nothing to do with them.  It has to do with us.  It has to do with our freedom, our health, our ability to find our potential and live the lives we are meant to live.  It has to do with our choice to let go of the insane idea that our self-torturous demand for control and justice will do anything to bring it.

Maybe when God tells us to forgive, He is telling us because it is best for us -not just some bare command.  He is essentially telling us to, "be free!"

amen brother!

I feel you man.  I have been having anger arise in me all day. I wish "letting go" and forgiving was like a switch but its like a commitment with ups and downs moment to moment.  It has so many layers that we can feel in our chest with a bunch of repressed emotions that need to be expressed.  I have found the thread,

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind by skip to have some great advice on approaching the various emotions that will arise like anger. Here is a link

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[OutOfEgypt]

I wish it was like a switch, too!  Thank you both for your thoughts on this.

Another thing I realized while taking my walk this morning:  not letting go is a catch-22.  If we truly saw what we have -our character, our own light, our own potential, our own life- it would not be so hard to let go.  But that's the catch... .not letting go keeps us blinded to what we have. 

[fromheeltoheal]

But that's the catch... .not letting go keeps us blinded to what we have.  

And we're not ready to let go because we're still getting something from the attachment.  If we were holding a handful of gold nuggets in our hand we wouldn't want to let go, but if we've got a dog turd on fire in our hands we'd let go immediately; associating to what it really was instead of what we thought or hoped it was, in our delusion, makes letting go much easier.

[BacknthSaddle]

And we're not ready to let go because we're still getting something from the attachment.  If we were holding a handful of gold nuggets in our hand we wouldn't want to let go, but if we've got a dog turd on fire in our hands we'd let go immediately; associating to what it really was instead of what we thought or hoped it was, in our delusion, makes letting go much easier.

Well put. These relationships are fools' gold: bright, shiny, and worthless.

[brokenbutalive]

But that's the catch... .not letting go keeps us blinded to what we have.  

And we're not ready to let go because we're still getting something from the attachment.  If we were holding a handful of gold nuggets in our hand we wouldn't want to let go, but if we've got a dog turd on fire in our hands we'd let go immediately; associating to what it really was instead of what we thought or hoped it was, in our delusion, makes letting go much easier.

Lol I have a massive stinking dog turd in my hand, there is no delusion for me, i know exactly what she was, yet the anger still resides.

As OOE says in his first post though, me holding on to rage and injustice doesn't affect her one bit. It only hurts me. It's been a year since I left her, a couple of months since I last heard from her. Time to look forward.

[myself]

If we truly saw what we have -our character, our own light, our own potential, our own life- it would not be so hard to let go. 

That was part of the fear when deciding to really let go. If I stop hanging on here, then... .What's out there? Will it be more pain or less? Setting a course for something better, by focusing on my own light, as you put it, gives me somewhere to let go towards. Better chances. Better options. Better me. 'Letting go' is a way to take the trembling hands from our eyes so we can truly see. To unblind ourselves.

[Blimblam]

If we truly saw what we have -our character, our own light, our own potential, our own life- it would not be so hard to let go. 

That was part of the fear when deciding to really let go. If I stop hanging on here, then... .What's out there? Will it be more pain or less? Setting a course for something better, by focusing on my own light, as you put it, gives me somewhere to let go towards. Better chances. Better options. Better me. 'Letting go' is a way to take the trembling hands from our eyes so we can truly see. To unblind ourselves.

I think in the idealization phase they show us a lot of our potential but we relly on them as a source of confidence.  then when they devalue us I think they show us the path to finding our true source of confidence by reclaiming ourselves from the core truamas they have brought to the surface within us.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

I really like this thread and especially what Backnthsaddle said, "These relationships are fools' gold: bright, shiny, and worthless."  That is going to be my mantra - A relationship with XXXX is bright, shiny and worthless.  It's really true - they are fun and feel good for a time but over time it becomes clear how shallow of feeling these people really are.  We can say they experience too much feeling but ultimately it ends in shallow, superficial experience as they look for their next "hit" from us or someone else and can't stand themselves.  For me, part of letting go is truly realizing the trust issues I created for myself.  I spent so much time listening, taking in her answers / excuses and finding a way to forgive and attempt to move past the hurtful things she did.  Taking in words instead of action -completely contrary to how I live my own life.  I abandoned myself in the process.  NC for me is the only way to go -- although the LC during the first few months post break up did help me further establish how truly sick she is emotionally as many other things became clear as she tried to recycle me.  It will be NC until I have rebuilt trust in myself - trust to protect, prioritize and take care of myself first.  As well, it means insisting on integrity, honesty and authenticity from another in a relationship.

[x1985x]

For me, part of letting go is truly realizing the trust issues I created for myself.  I spent so much time listening, taking in her answers / excuses and finding a way to forgive and attempt to move past the hurtful things she did.  Taking in words instead of action -completely contrary to how I live my own life.  I abandoned myself in the process. 

Well put. I relate completely. I have never had so much compassion for anyone, it's amazing. By that, I mean I've never overlooked more bull. So many lies, so little effort to grow the relationship. I never tolerated this is any other relationship, personal or professional. This is the power they posess. The disease always wins.

[mywifecrazy]

Another AMEN OOE!

I was meant to read this post especially today. I have days where the thoughts of all the lies and deceptive things my uBPDxw has done to me for 20yrs just swirl around in my head. They are then followed by thoughts of injustice and how cruel and unfair it is to me then the anger and thoughts of when will she pay for her actions consume me. It gets so bad that I get a tension headache sometimes. It's just so Damed hard to let go when she is shacking up across the street on full view of me and my boys (9&14). We feel like we take 1 step forwards and 2 steps backwards.

But I am strong and God is good. This is not an easy situation to be in but where I'm at after only 1 year is amazing in itself!

You are so right.,this anger I have and all the thoughts I mentioned above only hurt me. And you are also right that God was us to forgive for US so that we are not held captive by our anger. I too wish there were just a switch that I could flick to forgive and move on but it is a process.

What a great post OOE. THANK YOU, I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR THIS AND FOCUS ON FORGIVENESS... .Sincerely MWC

[OutOfEgypt]

It's just so Damed hard to let go when she is shacking up across the street on full view of me and my boys (9&14).

That is horrible.

I'm having to read this post and all of these things over again, today.  Not a good day.  After a weekend of seeing how my ex wife is so good at being a lure for so many people, truly that "shiny fools gold," it really hurts.  My daughter confessed to me that although all of her friends like me, they all feel more comfortable with her mom and like her mom most.  "Your mom is so pretty and so cool!"  And the same goes for my step-son and all of his friends, but they've all hung out with my ex for years, even when we were still married.  It's like everybody thinks she is so cool, so pretty, so great.  She knows how to sell it.  She really does.  And I cannot compete with it.  It hurts, though.  It hurts that she can so easily steal everybody away.  It's at the point where some of my daughter's friends don't even come over to my house -but they will sleep over when she is at her mom's.  Like I'm some kind of freak, or I'm boring, or I'm weird, or whatever.

Part of it is understandable.  I would not let my daughter stay over at a friend's house who only had a dad there.  I would not want my daughter around an adult man like that unless it was someone I knew well and trusted.  But it still hurts.

And in all of this, I see how much I've wanted my kids and all their friends to NOT want to be with their mom, because she is such a selfish, destructive monster.  And yet here I am, being destroyed by this desire because the opposite happens.  She effortlessly becomes the center of attention, the one liked, the one everybody gravitates toward and wants to hang out with, regardless of the terrible person she is.  This is a very difficult exercise in letting go, today... .even letting go of my kids and their friends.

[mywifecrazy]

It's just so Damed hard to let go when she is shacking up across the street on full view of me and my boys (9&14).

That is horrible.

I'm having to read this post and all of these things over again, today.  Not a good day.  After a weekend of seeing how my ex wife is so good at being a lure for so many people, truly that "shiny fools gold," it really hurts.

I hear ya OOE. GOD I know everyone one here has similar stories but every time I read your posts it's like I'm reading about my situation. Just know that your post about forgiveness is something I definitely needed to hear today. It made me go back and read a thread I started about letting it go just to re-evaluate where I'm at.

 My daughter confessed to me that although all of her friends like me, they all feel more comfortable with her mom and like her mom most.  "Your mom is so pretty and so cool!"

Don't let this get you down. Kids are drawn to her because she is a CHILD too! But in the long run the kids will be drawn to you for the stability that you provide for them. It's fun being with a parent that isn't responsible ONLY FOR A LITTLE WHILE! Trust me on this. Kids desire STABILITY. Sometime it may seem thankless being the stable one but the kids will see it eventually.

Part of it is understandable.  I would not let my daughter stay over at a friend's house who only had a dad there.  I would not want my daughter around an adult man like that unless it was someone I knew well and trusted.  But it still hurts.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

And in all of this, I see how much I've wanted my kids and all their friends to NOT want to be with their mom, because she is such a selfish, destructive monster.  This is a very difficult exercise in letting go, today... .even letting go of my kids and their friends.

Yes I struggle with this too. I heard that my sister in law bumped into my X and they shared a hug. It made me want to   I felt like screaming at my sister in law You do know she lied and told people that I raped her and beat on her and the kids? I so want to tell everyone Don't buy all her tears :'( when you see her Its just an act! but what can you do? We just have to let it go and put it in Gods hands. All that stuff is out of our control. We need to focus on what we can control and that's our thoughts and actions.

Hang in there brother. Whenever your struggling just know you have a brother out here and fellow believer that is in the same boat as you. We are strong and we WILL get through this.

Sincerely MWC

[OutOfEgypt]

Thanks, man.  I really appreciate that.  I really do.  I'd grab a beer or three with you .  We could swap war stories.

You are right about them being a child.  Teens gravitate toward her because she is superficial and shallow and all about looks and sex and fun.  She already would get drunk and sexually mess around with one of my step-son's friends (18 years old).  Pretty sick.  But regardless of what a sick person she is, they all love her and fawn all over her.  It is thankless.  And that demand to have them abandon her because of what kind of person she is just makes it harder for me to bear.  I need to let it go and not try to compete with someone who is a professional at charming people for attention.  Isn't it amazing how so many people forget so quickly what they are like?  But I guess I cannot fault them too much... .we did the same thing.

Lord willing, I will find a good woman and we can have a new center of family again... .a beacon that will draw people in because it is a happy home of community, not just dad the lone wolf.

[Blimblam]

Thanks, man.  I really appreciate that.  I really do.  I'd grab a beer or three with you .  We could swap war stories.

You are right about them being a child.  Teens gravitate toward her because she is superficial and shallow and all about looks and sex and fun.  She already would get drunk and sexually mess around with one of my step-son's friends (18 years old).  Pretty sick.  But regardless of what a sick person she is, they all love her and fawn all over her.  It is thankless.  And that demand to have them abandon her because of what kind of person she is just makes it harder for me to bear.  I need to let it go and not try to compete with someone who is a professional at charming people for attention.  Isn't it amazing how so many people forget so quickly what they are like?  But I guess I cannot fault them too much... .we did the same thing.

Lord willing, I will find a good woman and we can have a new center of family again... .a beacon that will draw people in because it is a happy home of community, not just dad the lone wolf.

damn... .that sounds horrible! I would be incredibly angry too.

[OutOfEgypt]

I don't want to be like her.  Good Lord, I don't!

But I do feel hurt and envy when I see ho easily everybody flocks around her.  I'm left with nothing.  I know I provide stability and character, but I'd like to know that when I host my own holidays that people will want to come, especially my own children and their friends!  But I can't compete with her.  She is like a shiny lure.  I remember even when one of our children's school teachers tried to kiss her while she was the room-helper (when our son was much younger).  My best friend online had a phone sex relationship with her.  She cheated on me multiple times.  She always had "friends", and our children's friends have always fawned all over her, think she's the coolest, and even reach out to her for "wisdom" and counsel... .because she's such a "cool mom."  Makes me want to PUKE!  The idea of her giving wisdom to anybody is a JOKE.

[Blimblam]

I don't want to be like her.  Good Lord, I don't!

But I do feel hurt and envy when I see ho easily everybody flocks around her.  I'm left with nothing.  I know I provide stability and character, but I'd like to know that when I host my own holidays that people will want to come, especially my own children and their friends!  But I can't compete with her.  She is like a shiny lure.  I remember even when one of our children's school teachers tried to kiss her while she was the room-helper (when our son was much younger).  My best friend online had a phone sex relationship with her.  She cheated on me multiple times.  She always had "friends", and our children's friends have always fawned all over her, think she's the coolest, and even reach out to her for "wisdom" and counsel... .because she's such a "cool mom."  Makes me want to PUKE!  The idea of her giving wisdom to anybody is a JOKE.

  that's awfull. SHe sounds like she has histrionic tendencies too

[Blimblam]

man I know that feeling of cant compete.  Its cuz she broke down you boundaries and robbed you of your confidence.  like your stuck in a trance of pain and that gives supreme confidence. ugh it's sickening and once they have you there that's when they will really sink low to keep you there.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's about being who we really are, authentically. A borderline will always rely on a false self, because they have such a low opinion of themselves that sharing that is not an option, because they are convinced everyone will leave, and abandonment is the worst thing that can happen, plus they don't want confirmation that they really are "not enough".  That's also the reason they beat us down, to try and level the playing field.  And with attachment being mandatory, they don't exist otherwise, they get extremely good at it.

So the answer is to be who we are, authentically, and have faith that people who really know and care about us, healthy people, will side with us in the end, because it's right.  Having faith is much easier than competing with a mental illness.

[OutOfEgypt]

Having faith is much easier than competing with a mental illness.

Well said.  True enough!

[OutOfEgypt]

More motivation to let go.  I read this from Deitrich Bonhoeffer again.  Pretty awesome.

":)o not raise your hand to strike. Do not open your mouth in anger, but remain still. How can the one who wants to do evil things against you hurt you? It does not hurt you: it hurts the other person. Suffering injustice does not hurt the Christian, but doing injustice does. Indeed, evil can do only one thing to you, namely, make you also become evil. If it does, then it wins. Therefore, do not repay evil with evil. If you do, you will not hurt the other person; you will hurt yourself. You are not in danger when evil happens to you, but the person who does you wrong is in danger and will suffer from it, if you do not offer help. Therefore, for the sake of the other person and your responsibility for that person -do not repay evil with evil... .

How does that happen? Not by our giving nourishment to the other person's evil, hate to the other person's hate, but by letting evil strike out into empty space and find nothing that can inflame it. How can we overcome evil? By our forgiving it endlessly. How does that happen? By our seeing enemies as they really are: as people for whom Christ died, as people Christ loves."

If you aren't a Christian like I am, then I hope you can still glean something useful from this.

I was thinking about this today because I've seen my ex hate many people over the years.  They were people who wronged or hurt her (real or imagined), and she would hate them and rejoice when hearing about them suffering or having their lives fall apart.  One such person was an in-law family member who made comments about her poor parenting and sex-obsession from a time before I even knew her.  It obviously struck a nerve with her, probably because she knows somewhere that it is true.  But regardless, she hates that person.  She relishes his downfall, every step he's taken over the past year as his life has fallen apart due to his own divorce.

And I thought to myself... .I am like that toward her.  I feel wonderful when I hear how unhappy someone is with her, like one of our children (understandably!).  And I struggle terribly when she has everybody liking her and eating out of her hand, and that's because I demand her downfall.  But this makes me just like her.  And I don't want to be like that.

[mywifecrazy]

Well said OOE. It is from a verse I meditate on as I'm struggling with Hatred as well.

See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. (1 Thessalonians 5:15 NLT)

And from Romans 12:14-21 ESV (I edited it down)

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.  Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

And the funny thing is that if we let go of hatred and act in a loving way (doesn't mean accepting their bad behavior) that the people who have wronged us will be pained by it as referenced by the burning coals as Bold Faced in the verse above. So if you want to get back at your X you can Kill her with Kindness? easier said than done!

[OutOfEgypt]

I love Rom 12.  You're an ESV person, too?

Yes, I always feel best when I am kind toward her and happy for her, truly wishing her the best.  I feel most at peace within myself and the most free to enjoy my life.

[mywifecrazy]

I love Rom 12.  You're an ESV person, too?

Yes, I always feel best when I am kind toward her and happy for her, truly wishing her the best.  I feel most at peace within myself and the most free to enjoy my life.

Gods way is not easy! I honestly struggle with this. It's hard not to be filled with hate for someone that's doing what my X is doing to me and my boys. I mean really, how do you not hate someone that walks out on you and your kids and shacks up across the street with your neighbor? But when I read these passages and think about it, it's what's best for ME and it's the only way to Let Go and be free from my X.

I use the you version Bible App. After trying different translations I lean towards the ESV as it easy to read. You're on my prayer lost OOE. Praying for peace and strength for you and your kids!

[Blimblam]

its ok to feel all of your feelings just do not cling to them or they will become your cage