I want to recycle

[Depression = 72% of members]

Terrible few days. I was NC for a week... .six weeks separated. I just can't handle the pain anymore and broke NC this morning. No response. I left telephone messages and texts. Nothing. My soul continues to be crushed. I feel like I'm slowly dieing, I'm just so miserable.

[Hopeless777]

Terrible few days. I was NC for a week... .six weeks separated. I just can't handle the pain anymore and broke NC this morning. No response. I left telephone messages and texts. Nothing. My soul continues to be crushed. I feel like I'm slowly dieing, I'm just so miserable.

[Graceland]

The treatment you received has nothing to do with you.  That's very hard to understand because we all want to believe that the attention and adulation we got at the beginning was all about us, but it wasn't.  And neither is the rejection.

Your partner won't provide closure.  BPDs never do.  You must provide the closure.  Today can be Day One of NC, Day One of your healing, Day One of seeing that thousands of others have been victimized exactly the way you have by someone with a seriously disturbed condition.

Get out of the house, go out with friends, go see a movie, read a book, do whatever it takes to get through the day.  You are healing.  You will survive this.  Your partner has made you feel unworthy of love.  Don't believe that.  That is the core lie that will eat away at your soul.

[Popcorn71]

I remember that awful feeling of being ignored.  I was the same as you, sending messages and getting no reply.

Go no contact yourself.  I know it's difficult.  Even after 6 months I still struggle sometimes.  But it's the best thing for you.  Don't give your ex the satisfaction of being wanted.  That's what they crave.  Don't give in.

It does get better.  Give it time.  I still struggle, but I can see that life is better and continues to improve.  one day, I am sure you will see this too.

[mitchell16]

I know it very hard. i went thru 8 months of almost nc with a little lc. But I was doing very well. I was going to gym, working a second job which got me back on track with my finaces. I was living again. But I let the her back in to door and 8 weeks later break up again. I am bakc to the start. Not as bad as i have been in past. but the sadness and the lonlines and questioning myself has started all over again. I know I will get through it because I have before and you can too. But dont do like I did and allow a recycle.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hopeless777

I know it is hard.  What a geat observation, by the way.  You want to resume contact with a person who has hurt you terribly because it seems better than facing the pain of losing them (or also perhaps the pain of being alone).  That's actually pretty accurate.  The refusal to face pain, and the refusal to let go of the things that compound that pain and make it so much more acute (like the self-blame, the sense of worthlessness, etc.) is what kept me in the terrible relationship with my ex.  I felt that the road OUT was harder than the road back IN, so I let the status quo reign.  But it isn't harder.  That's a lie.  It's hard for a while, but then you get to finally BREATHE again.  It's okay for it to hurt.  Life hurts.  A loss hurts.  On the other side, however, is life.  But if you run back to them, what will you find?  Nothing good.  Keep going.  If you don't have one, find a T to help you work through the pain and the feelings.  Let your voice rise back up, the voice that sees terrible injustice in the things you endured.  And keep walking.  It does get better.  I still struggle at times, mostly with bitterness, but I tell you what.  I feel like my soul has been set free.  You will get there.  But it will never happen if you go back, and you know that.  Hard days for sure.  But they do get better.

[Hopeless777]

So she finally called after I said I was driving over (to our house that I pay for that she lives in for free.) Anyways, I won't bore everyone with all the details as I have a page of quotes for my therapist on Monday. After a 2.5 hour calm conversation one quote lives on in infamy:

"I don't believe a word you say."

After I bear my soul to her, weep repeatedly about how my life is unbearable without her, how I want to work on our marriage together, how I'm going to a LCSW and now a psychiatrist, how 28 years together, two kids must mean something... .she says that, like 6 times. How cruel, how heartless, how degrading to me as her total financial provider and children's father. I know there's a BPD term for it all, but I'm so emotional right now I can't even think straight. Her feelings count; my feelings are discounted. Life sure sucks and is unfair. 2 years ago it seemed so perfect.

P.S.: She did admit that she believes I do "love and adore her." This is all so contradictory, confusing and illogical. I guess I'm just going to live in my Mom's extra bed room and work in the extra study until she makes a decision to get a lawyer. In the meanwhile I just pay thousands out the door for her beauty treatments, hair, make up, nails, mortgage, food, car, insurance, dog, lawn and tree service, etc, etc. I won't even add everything up right now as its just too tragic and I get to enjoy none of it as I'm banned from the house, unless I make an appointment. She rips those balls out every time. "I am woman, hear me roar!" Pardon me while I slit my throat. There must be a place in hell where these people are permanently cast.

[OutOfEgypt]

Her feelings count; my feelings are discounted.

I'm sorry about everything that happened, but the statement above sums up the only thing you will ever get out of a person with BPD.  I know you love her.  I know you can't imagine life without her.  I know you spent so many years with her.  But none of that can change the above statement from being a sad fact.  That is exactly what it was like with my wife, too.  I know it hurts.  It will.  But do you want the rest of your life to be like the above?  I'm sorry, man.

The part about spending all of your money on her frivolities and ridiculous things sounds so painfully familiar.  I still pay her child and spousal support.  I can survive, though, and I actually have a better and brighter financial future EVEN WITH paying spousal support.  Ha!  It is the price of freedom, my friend.  But it is still worth it.

[Boss302]

So she finally called after I said I was driving over (to our house that I pay for that she lives in for free.) Anyways, I won't bore everyone with all the details as I have a page of quotes for my therapist on Monday. After a 2.5 hour calm conversation one quote lives on in infamy:

"I don't believe a word you say."

After I bear my soul to her, weep repeatedly about how my life is unbearable without her, how I want to work on our marriage together, how I'm going to a LCSW and now a psychiatrist, how 28 years together, two kids must mean something... .she says that, like 6 times. How cruel, how heartless, how degrading to me as her total financial provider and children's father. I know there's a BPD term for it all, but I'm so emotional right now I can't even think straight. Her feelings count; my feelings are discounted. Life sure sucks and is unfair. 2 years ago it seemed so perfect.

P.S.: She did admit that she believes I do "love and adore her." This is all so contradictory, confusing and illogical. I guess I'm just going to live in my Mom's extra bed room and work in the extra study until she makes a decision to get a lawyer. In the meanwhile I just pay thousands out the door for her beauty treatments, hair, make up, nails, mortgage, food, car, insurance, dog, lawn and tree service, etc, etc. I won't even add everything up right now as its just too tragic and I get to enjoy none of it as I'm banned from the house, unless I make an appointment. She rips those balls out every time. "I am woman, hear me roar!" Pardon me while I slit my throat. There must be a place in hell where these people are permanently cast.

Still looking to get back together?

I don't ask that flippantly - that's a very real question. How much more hurt do you have to endure before you make the decision to save yourself? I know how long it can take to reach this decision, but eventually, you'll have to make a choice here. I chose to save myself. I hope you do the same.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm with Boss.

For a time, we sell our souls in order to hold onto them and the relationship, because facing the pain of losing them seems to be too much.  But some intense pain for a short time (relative to the length of the relationship) is worth it to get out.  It is so worth it.

[Hopeless777]

Thanks to everyone who wrote. My brain gets it; my heart struggles mightily against my brain. What more can I say. Brain will eventually win out. Hopefully, the heart will heal. Thanks to all for your care and concern.

[OutOfEgypt]

It will heal.  You will get stronger.  Keep working with a T.  I can't tell you how much better I feel.

I felt really good after the divorce, and then we recycled after the divorce and things were wonderful at first.  Within a few months she moved back in and her courting act died down, like a switch was flipped.  Within a very short time, all of the anxiety, confusion, self-doubt, tension, anger, sleeplessness, frustration, and feelings of "insecurity" came back.  It blew up all over again, and it took me months to get her out.  But you know what?  I'm back to feeling pretty good.  Sometimes I struggle with bitterness, and it keeps me down, but as I keep walking the path of letting go I find myself really enjoying life.  I have great friends.  I have people who love and care about me.  I have so much energy to do things that I've put off for SO long (writing a book, writing articles, songwriting, etc.).  And sometimes I just sit out on the back porch and look up and take a big deep breath and smile.  Peace.  It is possible.

And this isn't a magic bullet by any stretch, but I have to say that I do believe much of my healing (and the relative speed of it) has been due to working with a therapist who does ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy).  I've never done anything deeper at working through emotions, processing grief and pain, and putting coherence back to our life narrative.  My T has been a Godsend, but then again he would say that I did it... .he only helped by being a useful, mutual partner.  God forbid, huh?  We're so used to one-way relationships.  No more for me.  I've actually come to see that my feelings are worth it.  My light is worth it.  And a real relationship is one that sees my light as worth it, too.  Not just head knowledge, but a deep experience of who I am in the face of another who stands by me on the deepest level as a partner and friend.