always/never

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think that always/never has turned into a trigger for both of us. As somebody once said "words matter" and due to the technical nature of my job, this is very true for me. So when she says something like "you never talk to me", this triggers me because it is untrue. In a post today I mentioned her saying this after I went inside when it got too hot for me to stay out and talk to her. My response was "we were just talking for about an hour".  And the same circular argument started, which was frustrating because I knew this was where the conversation would go as soon as I said it.

I've recognized for a few weeks that my pointing out that her always/never statements was a trigger for her. And I recognized that in a way, this is a trigger for me too. I had stopped myself from commenting on the truthiness  of them and she has occasionally made an always/never and recognized it and changed it to mostly or something more accurate.

But this time I messed up, took the bait, and started that familiar argument. Was I wrong to point out that her statement was not true? Thinking about it and typing all this out, made me think that ignoring always/never statements may not be the best thing. I think I need to allow myself to point out when these statements are not true in some cases. Where to draw the line though. Was I justified to tell her that what she said that we never do was blatantly not true? Is this just me JADEing?

Is this a chance for me to set a boundary? If so, how? What is the best response to always/never statements that are not true?

[NotASnowflake]

I think that always/never has turned into a trigger for both of us. As somebody once said "words matter" and due to the technical nature of my job, this is very true for me. So when she says something like "you never talk to me", this triggers me because it is untrue. In a post today I mentioned her saying this after I went inside when it got too hot for me to stay out and talk to her. My response was "we were just talking for about an hour".  And the same circular argument started, which was frustrating because I knew this was where the conversation would go as soon as I said it.

I've recognized for a few weeks that my pointing out that her always/never statements was a trigger for her. And I recognized that in a way, this is a trigger for me too. I had stopped myself from commenting on the truthiness  of them and she has occasionally made an always/never and recognized it and changed it to mostly or something more accurate.

But this time I messed up, took the bait, and started that familiar argument. Was I wrong to point out that her statement was not true? Thinking about it and typing all this out, made me think that ignoring always/never statements may not be the best thing. I think I need to allow myself to point out when these statements are not true in some cases. Where to draw the line though. Was I justified to tell her that what she said that we never do was blatantly not true? Is this just me JADEing?

Is this a chance for me to set a boundary? If so, how? What is the best response to always/never statements that are not true?

[half-life]

My wife think like this a lot. Sometimes she lost an object she'll ask "did you lose it?" I said no I've not touched it. Then she response "that means you accuse me to be the one who lose it." It was so illogical that she see only two choices, blame me or blame her. There is nothing in between. Reasoning or arguing will not bring any resolution. Problem always escalate. She is bad in math and logic. But for a long time I cannot understand how bad math can affect people's relation. Now I see that this extreme thinking is one of the defining character of BPD.

She is also offended by the word "about". I'm not kidding. She'd ask my opinion like "is this more or less than the other?" My answer "they are about the same". This is a trigger and she got angry to say "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ABOUT THE SAME!" She expects a yes no answer and she thinks my answer is evasive and insulting to her. My young child would laugh at her and said "you don't what the word 'about' means?" He finds it funny that the parent who suppose to know it all have trouble with the dictionary meaning of a simple word "about". He is going to get the stick as he advance in age.

So what do I do? Mostly I give up and detach. I would avoid making comment on these subject and ask her to make decision on her own. This is my coping strategy but not at all a healthy situation. See the other thread about losing yourself. That's what happen if you do this in the long term.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry that uyour SO is invalidating you NotASnowflake. Everyone wants to be listened to or heard    I think the trigger words always / never is two-fold here and it's a part of the disorder.

It's an absolute negative and it's also all or nothing thinking. It's very difficult for a pwBPD to see the "grey area". Don't be hard on yourself that you got into an argument. There's a japanese proverb that goes like this "fall down seven times, get up eight." You have identified that these are trigger words for you. A goal could be to depersonalize this behavior because it's all or nothing BPD trait. I don't think you need to justify the why but simply that the words are invalidating. You can set a boundary and take a time out lessen the chance of a big argument.

[waverider]

It is their default thinking, I know how invalidating it feels, and can be hard to let it slide. Outright correcting them just invalidates them and causes escalation.

Try asking for clarification, such as 'why do you believe it is always/never?", "can you remember a time I did/didn't'... .In other words dont tell her she is wrong, prompt her to work it out. It doesn't matter if she then agrees or not. It is not about winning, it is about flagging it being not the way you see it without digging your heels in.

You know your own truth you don't need to convince her.