who they target?

[Promises]

I know I got hooked because he saw vulnerability.  Everyone on this board seems compassionate.  Do you see yourself being more compassionate than most? I am sincerely, extremely caring and highly sensitive.  I change my mind a lot and don't stick to my guns when someone is persistent.  I'm easily flattered because my confidence is low and like to see good in others.  I don't handle stress well and hyperfocus on dissapointments and relationships.  I don't trust my instincts and get attached quickly if I feel admired and wanted.  My expectations of others is always too high and I don't understand others insensitivity.

I am trying to work on things about me I'd like to change but most of its just me.  This is the person I am and it's hard to hide.  I never want to attach to or even meet another BPD in my life but wondering if a lot of us are similar types and the BPD saw we would be a good target right away. Are BPDs drawn to genuinely good people or do they ever end up with each other?  I don't like to be someone I'm not when I start to date again but letting someone in on the real me seems too risky.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I used to be a sweet person myself, I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left. She abused me until I became more like her. It was sick. But to answer your question, they look for weak people who easily give sympathy. Because they see themselves as victims, so sympathy plays into that. Also, weak people are more likely to put up with them and they feel like they can only relate to other victims.

[Promises]

Wow!  You are so right!  Mine always played the victim and I was weak and sympathetic.  I was outspoken about my needs and his abuse but let him manipulate me back to sympathic mode.  I'm going to work on self love and try to quit putting people that don't deserve it over my own needs.

[Veronykah]

I keep reading that, people here are caregivers and compassionate people.

Not true for me, at all.

I have always been a strong, aggressive, take no S kind of person. Most people that know me think I have no emotions and don't care. I'd categorize me as more of a narcissist than caring.

I think I attract BPDs because I have a strong sense of who I am and LOVE to be in control, a characteristic of people with BPD can be being "helpless" or not being able to manage themselves or their lives. I am usually all too happy to boss people around and tell them how to do things.

My ex always told me how much he admired how together I was and how much I had accomplished on my own and how he would never be able to be like me.

I got into it with him and never backed down from a fight, he always lost. I definitely see the error in how I dealt with him, I neve acknowledged his feelings as valid, probably ever because they weren't logical and didn't make any sense to me.

I think my BPD was a genuinely good person, he just has zero control over his emotions. He picked someone the exact opposite of him, I had almost total control over mine, to the point I didn't really have any other than anger when I met him.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, I find that a combination of self love, relaxation and positive action has helped me the most. Doing good things for others has really helped me, because it reminds me that I'm not crap like she made me out to be. Also just a ton of crying. Good luck, sorry this happened to you, too.

[Promises]

I know a major problem of mine is letting others opinions effect me.  If my BPD called me uncaring and mean for not wanting to give him chance after chance, I changed my behavior so he would stop calling me that.  I want to not give a ___ what an abusive person thinks of me.

[Promises]

Oops I cussed.  Not give a crap is what I meant to post.  Thanks!  It's been a nightmare and my recovery is not going too well but I need to work harder and be more patient instead of obsessing like I do.

[topknot]

As far as who they target, I think it depends where you fit on their color wheel.  Yes,  I was the sweet, loving, caring one to pick up the pieces when the Jenga tower collapsed. But I was not the type he was attracted to. His magnet girl was the ba#$ buster, athletic,  in your face beyotch. Because he never felt he really HAD her. It was ALL about the chase. I just thought that was so high school, to play hard to get. I was too easy of a conquest.  That's when I learned how to play the sickening game

[Promises]

I just typed a long reply then lost it. Grrrrr.  I stood up for myself constantly but always ended up believing promises he made that it would never happen again ! And caving to fix the guilt he made me feel.  I trusted him too much and myself not enough.  I want to not let my emotions rule me instead of commen sense. 

[Tausk]

IMHO, the better questions are: What type of person invites the Disorder into their lives?  Or, What type of person loses themselves in the Disorder?

I wasn't targeted.  I was mirrored, and I liked it and asked for more of the same. 

And for me, it was an unstable sense of self with unresolved FOO issues including, control, shame, anger, self esteem... .

[Blimblam]

IMHO, the better questions are: What type of person invites the Disorder into their lives?  Or, What type of person loses themselves in the Disorder?

I wasn't targeted.  I was mirrored, and I liked it and asked for more of the same.  

And for me, it was an unstable sense of self with unresolved FOO issues including, control, shame, anger, self esteem... .

I agree with this so much.  For myself I was at a vulnerable stage in my life.  The guy before me was too but he was a totally self centered Ahole.  I think it more has to do with being at a unstable/vulnerable stage in ones life, realized or not the BPDs mirroring allows one to feel empowerd without feeling vulnerable.  Narcissists will likely not admit to the vulnerability thus they are a narcissist .

I really think that we all have a narcissistic side of us that the BPD person appeals to in us as a way to feel empowered above our vulnerabilities.

[myself]

It was both. We were targeted and mirrored.

We targeted and mirrored them, too. Our needs, fears, etc.

The mirrors had their own targets, until they broke. Now what?

[findingmyselfagain]

I'm not so sure that it's as much that they "target" as that they have a STRONG tendency to attract certain qualities in others depending on what has "worked" for them in the past. I'm definitely a recovering rescuer and dealing with my own fears of intimacy toward healthy women. I see my exfiance more as a cornered, frightened animal than as someone with a vindictive agenda or someone who has a target. Until she's able to look in the mirror at herself and take responsibility, she will simply keep attracting the same types of men and stormy relationships.

I was vulnerable for many reasons, at the time I wasn't particularly healthy and was likely more willing to be in any relationship. I also ate up the love-bombs like candy. Who doesn't want to feel like they're in love? I was also attracted to her "poor me" persona. My mother is also kind of unhealthy and emotionally unstable. I had to grow up a little too fast because my parents divorced during my teen years, and my grandparents also passed away during those formative years. In a way I was redeeming my relationship with my mother and trying to regain the lost passion and excitement of adolescence. At the time I was a pretty good target mostly because I hadn't figured out what love really is. My boundaries are much stronger now and my patience is thin enough while I'm still a good guy.

[Blimblam]

It was both. We were targeted and mirrored.

We targeted and mirrored them, too. Our needs, fears, etc.

The mirrors had their own targets, until they broke. Now what?

so true.  I love bombed targeted mirrored my ex as well.

[Infared]

I know I got hooked because he saw vulnerability.  Everyone on this board seems compassionate.  :)o you see yourself being more compassionate than most? I am sincerely, extremely caring and highly sensitive.  I change my mind a lot and don't stick to my guns when someone is persistent.  I'm easily flattered because my confidence is low and like to see good in others.  I don't handle stress well and hyperfocus on dissapointments and relationships.  I don't trust my instincts and get attached quickly if I feel admired and wanted.  My expectations of others is always too high and I don't understand others insensitivity.

I am trying to work on things about me I'd like to change but most of its just me.  This is the person I am and it's hard to hide.  I never want to attach to or even meet another BPD in my life but wondering if a lot of us are similar types and the BPD saw we would be a good target right away. Are BPDs drawn to genuinely good people or do they ever end up with each other?  I don't like to be someone I'm not when I start to date again but letting someone in on the real me seems too risky.

WOW, Promises... .you definitely described me to a Tee by describing yourself.   Yeah... .I think our makeup attracts BPD's and there is a codependency thing going on with us, too.  I think in many cases I find healthy people, boring. ... but that's my downfall because I am trading up (? LOL) to rescuing and drama!, :-)

Now, when I see someone constantly playing victim I just quietly move away from all that... .even in friendships.

[Emelie Emelie]

Had I been "healthier" i would have left the relationship long before he left me.  He's 50 and never married.  He's had probably half a dozen long term relationships in the past 30 years.  One lasting six years but most about two (like ours) which probably also included a break up or two.  I'm sure there were many (healthier) women who ended the rs.  Actually the one before me ended it after his first rage episode.  He's also dated a lot of "selfish b___e$".  Who I now assume were women who wouldn't put up with his crap.  Me?  I was six months out of a long, unhappy marriage.  Thought I was in a good spot but I was vulnerable as hell.  I don't think he sensed that.  Don't believe I was targeted.  But there are those who take the abuse and those who don't.

[Promises]

The Love bombing got me.  Then I love bombed back but I meant mine.  He mirrored me.  He looked up to me.  He needed me.  It was all too flattering for my insecure, low self esteem self to resist.  Then he manipulated me. Controlled me. Gas lighted me. Accused me. Blamed me. Triangulated me. Deceived me. Played mind games with me. Etc. Etc. Etc. That list goes on and on.

Infrared,  I was in what I thought was a healthy relationship after him which I found boring too.  I appreciated no drama but it was so calm it didn't feel right.  Maybe we just weren't right for each other.  Maybe I'm not ready to date.

Yes, I may not have been a target for my BPD but he was stuck to me like glue as soon as we met.  I told him I didn't want to date him because I immediately caught him in a lie as soon as we started talking. It was a stupid lie with him denying he knew another guy I was talking to.  The other guy sent me his phone number to prove they were friends and he never "knew what I was talking about"  Red flag #1.  It was unreal.  He obsessively texted and called me after that.  Red flag #2.  We ended up being "friends". He never gave up and claimed he'd never been so persistent with anyone else.  Yeah right.  Then I fell in love unfortunately.  

[Infared]

What is it about us that we dive in head first, when we have all the information that we need to know that the BPD is not healthy and that attempting to have a loving, trusting relationship is not a good idea with this person? I am not beating up on you Promises,... .I certainly did the same thing... .There you are, in your very first conversation with the (unknown) BPD and he is lying to you, and you know and you ignore that GIANT red flag. Mine was even more blatant, she was living with a boyfriend ("oh, that relationship had died long ago", yeah, RIGHT! I don,t think the boyfriend knew that?), and she was having an affair with a very disturbing married man with 4 children... .and somehow "she" was the victim and I eventually ignored ALL of those giant red flags and just gushed in to rescue her.

The hard part now is forgiving myself for making such a idiotic choice.  Who can I blame but me for what I ended up going through.  I actually thought "things" would be different with us. They weren't... .I got treated the same way. Duh.

[Blimblam]

What is it about us that we dive in head first, when we have all the information that we need to know that the BPD is not healthy and that attempting to have a loving, trusting relationship is not a good idea with this person? I am not beating up on you Promises,... .I certainly did the same thing... .There you are, in your very first conversation with the (unknown) BPD and he is lying to you, and you know and you ignore that GIANT red flag. Mine was even more blatant, she was living with a boyfriend ("oh, that relationship had died long ago", yeah, RIGHT! I don,t think the boyfriend knew that?), and she was having an affair with a very disturbing married man with 4 children... .and somehow "she" was the victim and I eventually ignored ALL of those giant red flags and just gushed in to rescue her.

The hard part now is forgiving myself for making such a idiotic choice.  Who can I blame but me for what I ended up going through.  I actually thought "things" would be different with us. They weren't... .I got treated the same way. Duh.

I've got to admit those are some giant red flags.  Mine were not so giant but if I had known about the disorder would have been obvious.  Mine would lie to people with the utmost of ease. 

They make you feel like you and her are the only people that exist in the world.  They know how to give those eyes that just pierce into your soul.  What they have done is mastered a series of expresions or masks that are seductive. they throw it out their like bait and see what they reel in.  They are just those expressions just those masks it is our projections that creates the canvas. They think our projections our fantasies are 'amazing' they are our dream girl our fantasy girl.  They are our muse that inspired this amazing fantasy we are experiencing and they will play a part in it. 

[Plonko]

I used to be compassionate but that isn't the case any more. There's simply none left.

[Infared]

I've got to admit those are some giant red flags.  Mine were not so giant but if I had known about the disorder would have been obvious.  Mine would lie to people with the utmost of ease.  

They make you feel like you and her are the only people that exist in the world.  They know how to give those eyes that just pierce into your soul.  What they have done is mastered a series of expresions or masks that are seductive. they throw it out their like bait and see what they reel in.  They are just those expressions just those masks it is our projections that creates the canvas. They think our projections our fantasies are 'amazing' they are our dream girl our fantasy girl.  They are our muse that inspired this amazing fantasy we are experiencing and they will play a part in it.  

LOL... .in my defense, I did take some precautions. I would not date her unless she moved out on her own and ended the relationship with the married guy.  I also took it slow and watched... .but they are so cunning/sick. Eventually I was "all-in".  I have evidence that she never ended the relationship with the married guy (but I will never know... .it's years later, I am on my own and last week he just stalked me around Home Depot and followed me to the register and wanted to engage me in a conversation.  I just got out of there, I have nothing to say to this person... .what is wrong with people?)... .and who knows who else she cheated on me with?  I will never know... wish I could just forget about that whole chapter... .but I was soo tramatised it just sticks with me. Maybe I have PTSD?