So many emotions

[Tyrwhitt]

Following on from my last post when my BPDh chased me down the stairs and threatened me without touching me, he went on to draw a huge sum of money from our bank account and we hadn't spoken in 3 weeks.  Last night, he came home drunk and I could feel the danger so I didn't say a word.  Went up to bed (we're in separate rooms) and he came up soon after to his room and started throwing glasses.  He had beer glasses and cola cans by his bed and I don't think I've ever felt so trapped.  I couldn't get out because he would see and I couldn't ring the police as he would hear it.  I stayed very quiet and didn't sleep a wink.

I can't deny that things are getting worse and yet I want more time, not to work on the relationship but to get some stable income as I don't have any at the moment.  Used to be a high earner but not any more!  I spoke to a solicitor and the DV helpline and I'm now so tired that I can't think or feel anything more.  I can't love a man who abuses me and thinks it's okay. 

I came out of the house this morning and picked the glass off the carpet to get the dog out with me.  I came back this afternoon and he went out as soon as I came in and my neighbour came in to chat and he came back and went out again.  I hear the "it gets worse", fear the unknown and want peace.  I fear the war of leaving, the insecurity of money and the huge legal battle.  I pray for calm, luck, something to save me from this path.  I hope that it'll be an easier night and have an emergency bag in my car, and if he comes in drunk, I'll just head out. 

It's my first day of realising that parting is an inevitability.  That staying isn't possible.  I haven't got all the answers yet. 

[Aussie JJ]

Wow... .

I wish I had your insight 18 months ago.  Its scary how this story and the events just makes my anxiety go off again.  I lived that in denial, I accepted similar abuse and I'm still feeling conflicted by it.  I remember my sons mum after a few drinks was always a lot worse. 

I hope it stays calm while you make your plans to exit.  Their are a lot of us that had no such plans I'm afraid.  You are better prepared than I was however that doesn't make it any easier. 

[patientandclear]

Tyrwhitt -- I was in an abusive marriage before the BPD r/s that brought me to these boards. I endured many nights like the one you described.  I just wanted to post and tell you I wish you strength.  You are right to leave, beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Once stuff like that begins it will not just resolve itself.  And it is never a convenient time to go.

I will say that, unlike the r/s which brought me here, leaving that marriage, I never regretted going for a second.  The freedom from the threat of physical violence and from verbal abuse was palpable -- like plunging into the cool water of a cavern after being incredibly hot and dusty for a long time.  I'm so glad to hear you are taking steps so you won't be subjected to this any more.