So, I went out to dinner with co-workers last night...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The madness just never ends! Last night, the owner of our company took my department out to a fancy all-you-can-eat/drink dinner to show appreciation for strong sales last month. It was nice to get a break from the normal weeknight drama that goes on at home.

Yesterday morning before I left for work, the wife says that she wants me to order something for her and bring it home. I told her that I didn't really think it was appropriate for me to order a second entree to take home. It wouldn't really look good to my boss. She said it was ok and she would figure something out for dinner. About half way into dinner, she's letting me know that she hasn't eaten yet and is hungry and wants me to bring home some food! I told her I couldn't.

Anyways, at this point all of us had had quite a few drinks and some of use were getting pretty tipsy. By the time my ride dropped me back off at work to get my car, I felt I was ok to drive though. When I got home, I tried to be quiet so I wouldn't wake anybody up. Within seconds of me walking in the door, the wife is interrogating me about what I did while I was gone. She then yells "You've been drinking, how do you think that looks to your co-workers!" and gets all pissed about it. Um, duh, yes there was free alcohol and ALL of my co-workers were drinking. We weren't getting s**t-faced, we were just having a good time! I was so annoyed that she was implying that somehow I'd been up to no good all night and I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom.

This morning, she proceeds to interrogate me.  She then accuses me of cheating and also said that when I got home last night my eyes were bloodshot and she wanted to know what else we were doing apart from drinking! She actually accused me of doing drugs! I literally laughed out loud. I don't even smoke weed and she's acting like we were sniffing lines of cocaine or something! She also wanted to know exactly who was riding with me in the car that we took to the restaurant.

The fact is, I did absolutely nothing wrong at all last night but like usual I'm having to defend my actions... .again. It gets so old after awhile and sometimes I find myself questioning whether I really did do something wrong. But the reality is, I DIDN'T. Then, before I left for work this morning, she says "You're not going to give me a hug and kiss?"... .seriously?

I just got a text about 5 minutes ago from her telling me to have a great day! 

[mstnghu]

The madness just never ends! Last night, the owner of our company took my department out to a fancy all-you-can-eat/drink dinner to show appreciation for strong sales last month. It was nice to get a break from the normal weeknight drama that goes on at home.

Yesterday morning before I left for work, the wife says that she wants me to order something for her and bring it home. I told her that I didn't really think it was appropriate for me to order a second entree to take home. It wouldn't really look good to my boss. She said it was ok and she would figure something out for dinner. About half way into dinner, she's letting me know that she hasn't eaten yet and is hungry and wants me to bring home some food! I told her I couldn't.

Anyways, at this point all of us had had quite a few drinks and some of use were getting pretty tipsy. By the time my ride dropped me back off at work to get my car, I felt I was ok to drive though. When I got home, I tried to be quiet so I wouldn't wake anybody up. Within seconds of me walking in the door, the wife is interrogating me about what I did while I was gone. She then yells "You've been drinking, how do you think that looks to your co-workers!" and gets all pissed about it. Um, duh, yes there was free alcohol and ALL of my co-workers were drinking. We weren't getting s**t-faced, we were just having a good time! I was so annoyed that she was implying that somehow I'd been up to no good all night and I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom.

This morning, she proceeds to interrogate me.  She then accuses me of cheating and also said that when I got home last night my eyes were bloodshot and she wanted to know what else we were doing apart from drinking! She actually accused me of doing drugs! I literally laughed out loud. I don't even smoke weed and she's acting like we were sniffing lines of cocaine or something! She also wanted to know exactly who was riding with me in the car that we took to the restaurant.

The fact is, I did absolutely nothing wrong at all last night but like usual I'm having to defend my actions... .again. It gets so old after awhile and sometimes I find myself questioning whether I really did do something wrong. But the reality is, I DIDN'T. Then, before I left for work this morning, she says "You're not going to give me a hug and kiss?"... .seriously?

I just got a text about 5 minutes ago from her telling me to have a great day! 

[half-life]

Crazy crazy. Life is great when she is not present but intolerable once she comes into picture. How ridiculous is that? I totally know what it is like, especially the interrogation that comes after. You cannot give an account that satisfies her. There are too much mistrust deep down that nothing you can do can sooth it.

Now take a break from this and imagine a spouse who feel happy for you for a fun night out? Is this too much to ask for?

[Forestaken]

Sounds like my Xw. Especially the false accusation of infidelity.  Next event, she'll insist for you to go.  You'll feel like you're being set up.

I avoided these events.  Always found excuses not to go.

[an0ught]

Simply tell her that you don't bring her something back and it is going to be too late anyways. If she needs food 1-800-takeout (not sure this number exists). You explained to much i.e. did jadE. Defending common sense decision simply sends the message that they are not common sense and gives the other side ammunition to use against you. Don't.

You did great in general. Make this a habit - going out with co-workers. The more it is a regular thing the less drama it evokes. Drama is pointless when it does not change a bit. After a bit of whining little children get this. Your wife will too. Boundaries work.

[OutOfEgypt]

She feels insecure and wants to make sure she has your attention, and the way she does it is by inserting herself into the situation, getting you to focus on her, and then lashing out at you when you don't... .to make sure that you do.  If you have a life of your own and enjoy yourself without thinking of her every waking moment, you (in her mind) might discover that you are a worthwhile person and leave her.  She can't let that happen.  Only she is allowed to stride confidently and leave you, if she finds "better" -not the other way around.

The whole bit about your drinking is just to throw you off balance.  The real thing she is mad about is that you didn't have your mind revolving completely around her the whole time you were out.

Looking back, my wife did stuff like that all the time.  I would fly out to a team-building event for work, and I would be gone for a few days.  She would make sure, while I was checking and calling from my hotel room, that I knew what a terrible husband I was and how everybody was happier with me gone, especially her.  Looking back, she was making sure I didn't have a good time.  She was threatened by the idea that I would do something good for myself and my career and maybe even find out that I am a strong, stable person who is capable of good relationships with everybody EXCEPT for her.  But I bought the hook... .every time.

Last time I did something like that for work, it was during our final recycle.  I didn't really want to go away for work at that particular time.  I expressed that to her a few times before I went.  When I got there and told her how even though I didn't want to go at first I was having a really good time, she proceeded to lecture me and make me feel absolutely terrible for about an hour and a half.  She made it sound like I whined and complained about it endlessly for months and dragged the entire family down and brought her into a deep depression because of it.  I was a "dark cloud" and an overall unhappy person who could never see the good in anything.  I remember thinking to myself, "I wasn't going overboard about not wanting to go.  I was being candid to the person I'm closest with.  WHERE on earth did all of THIS come from?"  

But then I realized that there's a pattern, here.  I just didn't put it together because I was doing exactly what she wanted me to do -constantly trying to figure out what I did wrong so that I wouldn't see what she was doing to torture me.

My now ex-wife STILL does things like this to me.  I'm taking our kids away on vacation to visit my family, and she is going to be somewhat nearby to where we are going because of something with her job.  So, she has asked if I will take time out of my limited vacation days with my kids and parents/siblings in order to drive and meet her so that she can "see the kids for a little bit."  No.  No, you can't.  Sorry.  But she still tries to insert herself into it.  I was just thinking about this the other day... .this will be the first time in 15 years that I've gone on any extended vacation with my kids and not had her somehow trying to stick her foot in it or get my mind stuck on her with an affair or some other ridiculous drama.  No thanks!

If she's got your mind stuck on her (even if its because of drama rather than adoration), then she is succeeding with what she's trying to do.  It doesn't really matter how.  She may want special attention or special favors, or she may accuse you or all kinds of things or drop some other bomb on you.  She needs to know that she has you... .and I don't mean in the good way.

[ImWrecked]

Ugh, I have been avoiding things like this for years... .or at least dreading the outcome.  I just had to fly back home by myself for a family milestone, and despite my trying to make sure to call and/or text at all of the appropriate times (never really knowing what those are/were because I'm never privy to the schedule she expects in her own head), we still got into several arguments.  The arguments started because I didn't call to say good morning, instead I texted... .and normal people who are away from their partner would want to hear their voice even if it is to just say good morning.  And then still related to that not saying good morning... .obviously that meant I was cheating on her... .

Also if I should happen to leave a room that my family is in to make the phone calls to her, then it is because I'm hiding something, or they hate her, or I'm cheating... .endless reasons... .except for the only true one - that it's rude, and I was being polite.  LOL!

Going out or traveling for work is the same thing... .she has expectations as to how many times, how long, and in front of whom I should be calling, but never lets me in on these expectations so I'm constantly guessing and failing.  I also find myself constantly defending myself, which I think makes you sound even more guilty but they all know they force us to defend, even when we did nothing wrong.

[refusetosuccumb]

I always hated defending actions that, to anyone else, were reasonable but to my ex it was emotion-triggering.  It made me feel guilty, even though I did nothing wrong!

Looking back, he always used my absence as a time to truly badger me and ruin my fun.  I used to think that he missed me and I somehow upset him.  Now I realize it was because he was so damn insecure and probably cheating on me, so he was projecting his crap onto me.  Meanwhile, I was faithful to the very end.  Heck, I still haven't done anything with anyone else. 

Sorry you deal with that.