The peace is unnerving

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The past two weeks have been eerily quiet. Ex has been on his best behaviour. I am trying to enjoy the peace but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .because it always has.

How do you deal with newly found stretches of peace?  I do not believe it will last forever but this is the most peaceful 2 weeks in years. It feels weird but I like it.

[refusetosuccumb]

The past two weeks have been eerily quiet. Ex has been on his best behaviour. I am trying to enjoy the peace but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .because it always has.

How do you deal with newly found stretches of peace?  I do not believe it will last forever but this is the most peaceful 2 weeks in years. It feels weird but I like it.

[Housman]

It unnerves me to, I think our guard is just up after so long of such terrible scenarios. My ex BPDgf has made no attempt to speak to me though we work together after showing up with her new bf. I think it's what we always wanted but there's a human quality to the sadness that their finally gone. Not even trying their tactics on us and in a way that kind of hurts. Remember this is what you always wanted. Remember that this is true detatchment. And in someway remember that they'll be back.

[myself]

How do you deal with newly found stretches of peace?

Enjoy them. Get something done. Relax.

[toomanytears]

The past two weeks have been eerily quiet. Ex has been on his best behaviour. I am trying to enjoy the peace but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .because it always has.

How do you deal with newly found stretches of peace?  I do not believe it will last forever but this is the most peaceful 2 weeks in years. It feels weird but I like it.

Yes I get this too. My BPDh left 10 months ago. I certainly don't miss that sense of constantly being on the edge of a precipice. Not having to live with that sensation anymore is bliss.

But like you, refusetosuccumb, the peace is unnerving too. And I get lonely. The hardest part of the day for me is just after I get home after work - between 6 - 9 can be tough. If I can fill this time with something positive and fun I am fine. I used to paint and craft, but it's too reflective and I just don't want to go there at the moment. After friends and family, I've found Zumba the best tonic in the world!

What do you all do to fill these new found peaceful times?

[refusetosuccumb]

I spend more time with the kiddos, do fun and silly things. Or I do stuff for just me - watch a Netflix show orread a book.

I love the silence I just hate that I am still on edge. Maybe this is just something that takes time?

[Ouija_bored]

I am trying to enjoy the peace but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .because it always has.

It's been a week today and so far, I haven't heard a word. I'm hoping she thinks the same thing of our terrible relationship and is following my lead, and also letting go. The other shoe always dropped in the past; bargaining that quickly leads to insults, blame, and unnecessary drama.

I agree the silence is almost creepy. This must be what regular people feel like.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I experienced the peace, although I labelled it relief at the time, a huge sigh of relief.  After a while of enjoying that I could start to articulate what it really was: the absence of walking on eggshells, protecting myself, defending myself, spending all my time on-edge.  I felt it in my body mostly, muscle tension evaporated and I stopped getting headaches and cold sweats.  And then after a while of not needing to focus outwardly to protect myself all the time, I started focusing inward, and had no choice but to be honest about my part in all of the goings-on, which led to lots of discomfort again, but in a good way, growing pains, the pain of immaturity leaving.  Sucks that I had to go through that to grow up, but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

[toomanytears]

Yes, I experienced the peace, although I labelled it relief at the time, a huge sigh of relief.  After a while of enjoying that I could start to articulate what it really was: the absence of walking on eggshells, protecting myself, defending myself, spending all my time on-edge.  I felt it in my body mostly, muscle tension evaporated and I stopped getting headaches and cold sweats.  And then after a while of not needing to focus outwardly to protect myself all the time, I started focusing inward, and had no choice but to be honest about my part in all of the goings-on, which led to lots of discomfort again, but in a good way, growing pains, the pain of immaturity leaving.  Sucks that I had to go through that to grow up, but it takes what it takes.  Take care of you!

I've found peace, which I enjoy, but grief too, which is agonising. As I process it I'm finding out more and more about myself and, yes I'm experiencing the growing pains you talk about fromheeltoheal. What did you have to acknowledge about yourself in order to grow?

[fromheeltoheal]

What did you have to acknowledge about yourself in order to grow?

The acknowledgment in itself was growth, once I got done blaming her, and there have been many little growth spurts along the way, but the biggest one is my confusing the longing for love, the chase, with love itself.  If I could have just been or done something different she'd give me the love I wanted, and that longing and striving became the obsession that I confused with love.  The feelings were certainly strong, strong as hell, but mature love doesn't feel like that, like an addiction.  She wasn't capable of reciprocating with real love, yet I stayed, until it was too painful to continue, and then the real learning began, ultimately the gift of the relationship.

Lately I've been learning about attachment styles, and have learned I definitely have an anxious one, and learned that folks with anxious or avoidant attachment styles get triggered in relationships, and behave dysfunctionally when we do, so we were both triggered in the relationship, her's in her borderline way, me in my anxious attachment style way.  It's a big topic, but it has been profound for me; bottom line an anxious style with an avoidant style is bad news, and a borderline in devaluation mode is as avoidant as they get, but everyone has an attachment style, and it's been a great tool and focus shift moving forward.

[corraline]

I was experiencing this sensation of peace myself this evening. It is coming in glimpses now and again.

As I become more settled and comfortable with myself i feel the presence of peace and a sense of safety too. I find that the more i accept where I am, who I am, and what i have been through i become more connected to myself.

I found the words of another that spoke to me so I'll share with you.

To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.

Eckhart Tolle

[refusetosuccumb]

Such wise words from all of you.  Thank you!

I think I'm finally hitting the stage where I am no longer blaming my ex for everything.  I am trying to grown and focus inward on what I need to do to grow as a person.  He was always very depressed (focusing on the past) and I've always been a very anxious person (focusing on the future).  I'm currently trying to learn to live in the here and now.  Mindfulness.

This is the first time in 16yrs where I am by myself (I do have the kids, but being a mom is second nature to me and I truly, truly enjoy them).  I have people trying to set me up on dates, had a few ask me out, but I am in no way ready to look outside myself for comfort.  Until I am happy with me, I will never be happy with someone else.  With kids in the picture, it gets more complicated.  So for now it's just easier to work on me, enjoy my kids, and enjoy the "boringness" of my life.

Someone mentioned "this must be what regular people feel like"  I had to laugh out loud at that.  I don't think I will ever be able to identify as "regular people" since I will always be tied to my ex via the children.  Maybe that's a label I should strive for? .

[fromheeltoheal]

He was always very depressed (focusing on the past) and I've always been a very anxious person (focusing on the future).  I'm currently trying to learn to live in the here and now.  Mindfulness.

Interesting take.  I've learned that depression is caused by focusing on the past, yes, but specifically your own past; depressed people focus on themselves and their problems exclusively, past, present and potentially future.  The way out of depression is to focus outwardly and contribute to other people's lives, something you probably get from your kids, which is probably a big factor in why you're not depressed.  Also, the key to happiness is progress; pick a direction, visualize an empowering future, and take steps in that direction.  It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

Someone mentioned "this must be what regular people feel like"  I had to laugh out loud at that.  I don't think I will ever be able to identify as "regular people" since I will always be tied to my ex via the children.  Maybe that's a label I should strive for? .

I say the only people we consider regular, or 'normal', are people who are weird in the same direction we are; there is no normal.  You could be 'tied to your ex', or you could be 'grateful you're free of enmeshment with that pathology, and grateful that the kids were one of the gifts of that temporary union'.  It's just a language thing, but it can make all the difference.  Take care of you!

[charred]

The past two weeks have been eerily quiet. Ex has been on his best behaviour. I am trying to enjoy the peace but I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .because it always has.

How do you deal with newly found stretches of peace?  I do not believe it will last forever but this is the most peaceful 2 weeks in years. It feels weird but I like it.

Yes I get this too. My BPDh left 10 months ago. I certainly don't miss that sense of constantly being on the edge of a precipice. Not having to live with that sensation anymore is bliss.

But like you, refusetosuccumb, the peace is unnerving too. And I get lonely. The hardest part of the day for me is just after I get home after work - between 6 - 9 can be tough. If I can fill this time with something positive and fun I am fine. I used to paint and craft, but it's too reflective and I just don't want to go there at the moment. After friends and family, I've found Zumba the best tonic in the world!

What do you all do to fill these new found peaceful times?

The peace is very unnerving at first.

The BPD r/s was real live melodrama... you are in the action, it is all consuming. I stayed up talking with my pwBPD sometimes all night (phone... lived 200 miles away)... would get texts and calls all the time... over a period of time, came to be accustomed to someone paying intense attention to me... arguing, interacting, storming, hating... but lots of emotional involvement and attention. Came to walk on eggshells, be isolated from friends and family and want peace... .but really had mixed emotions about it. Loved the good times, hated the fighting... but my emotions were involved and I was being paid attention to... and she hung on my every word at times, and it was in contrast to 99% of the rest of the time. So when the r/s was finally, finally over... (I ended it.)... The silence was deafening.

No one calling 30 times in a day (costing me a job)... no 400 texts in 24 hrs arguing... .nothing.

Dead quiet.

For a while it was unnerving. Was seeing a T, doing mindfulness and had some EMDR for the PTSD symptoms... eventually the calm settled in and I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, okay with being by myself (which is not the same as lonely or lonesome)... and began to live again.

We don't like the drama at the time, but the intense emotional involvement and attention... is hard to give up cold turkey.

[refusetosuccumb]

Good point about the drama piece.

I guess we have to be careful what we wish for, .  When together, I wished for peace.  Now I have it and I'm still questioning it.

Us humans are complicated beings.

[fromheeltoheal]

The peace is very unnerving at first.

The BPD r/s was real live melodrama... you are in the action, it is all consuming. I stayed up talking with my pwBPD sometimes all night (phone... lived 200 miles away)... would get texts and calls all the time... over a period of time, came to be accustomed to someone paying intense attention to me... arguing, interacting, storming, hating... but lots of emotional involvement and attention. Came to walk on eggshells, be isolated from friends and family and want peace... .but really had mixed emotions about it. Loved the good times, hated the fighting... but my emotions were involved and I was being paid attention to... and she hung on my every word at times, and it was in contrast to 99% of the rest of the time. So when the r/s was finally, finally over... (I ended it.)... The silence was deafening.

No one calling 30 times in a day (costing me a job)... no 400 texts in 24 hrs arguing... .nothing.

Dead quiet.

For a while it was unnerving. Was seeing a T, doing mindfulness and had some EMDR for the PTSD symptoms... eventually the calm settled in and I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, okay with being by myself (which is not the same as lonely or lonesome)... and began to live again.

We don't like the drama at the time, but the intense emotional involvement and attention... is hard to give up cold turkey.

Yeah, me too charred, that's what enmeshed feels like, borderline style.  My take is someone who doesn't have a fully formed 'self' of their own, someone who is looking to someone else to 'complete' them, in that unhealthy fusing-of-two-psyches borderline way where there is no boundary between the two, is extremely intoxicating.  My life basically got put on hold when I was with her, she was a full time job, and it felt much like an addiction; not surprising that we need to go through withdrawal when we kick it.

[charred]

The peace is very unnerving at first.

The BPD r/s was real live melodrama... you are in the action, it is all consuming. I stayed up talking with my pwBPD sometimes all night (phone... lived 200 miles away)... would get texts and calls all the time... over a period of time, came to be accustomed to someone paying intense attention to me... arguing, interacting, storming, hating... but lots of emotional involvement and attention. Came to walk on eggshells, be isolated from friends and family and want peace... .but really had mixed emotions about it. Loved the good times, hated the fighting... but my emotions were involved and I was being paid attention to... and she hung on my every word at times, and it was in contrast to 99% of the rest of the time. So when the r/s was finally, finally over... (I ended it.)... The silence was deafening.

No one calling 30 times in a day (costing me a job)... no 400 texts in 24 hrs arguing... .nothing.

Dead quiet.

For a while it was unnerving. Was seeing a T, doing mindfulness and had some EMDR for the PTSD symptoms... eventually the calm settled in and I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, okay with being by myself (which is not the same as lonely or lonesome)... and began to live again.

We don't like the drama at the time, but the intense emotional involvement and attention... is hard to give up cold turkey.

Yeah, me too charred, that's what enmeshed feels like, borderline style.  My take is someone who doesn't have a fully formed 'self' of their own, someone who is looking to someone else to 'complete' them, in that unhealthy fusing-of-two-psyches borderline way where there is no boundary between the two, is extremely intoxicating.  My life basically got put on hold when I was with her, she was a full time job, and it felt much like an addiction; not surprising that we need to go through withdrawal when we kick it.

Agree completely... also suspect that we are a bit needy as well, or else it wouldn't be so intoxicating.

Been bummed out a bit about the prospect of other relationships... the BPD r/s is a twisted package deal... the disorder comes with intensity, enmeshment, idealizing, hating, melodrama, and lots of pain. 

A healthier person would have  their own life, be far less intense, not enmeshing you and would be hard pressed to want to pay attention to anyone like the disordered pwBPD... which is a mixed blessing. Other relationships... shouldn't destroy or enmesh us... but that intensity and attention was not all bad. Have to get my kicks elsewhere.

[fromheeltoheal]

also suspect that we are a bit needy as well, or else it wouldn't be so intoxicating.

Yep, absolutely.  She caught me at a time when I was very lonely, socially isolated and working way too hard, an addiction of its own.  "Needy" is not who I am though, it's a state I had created for myself at the time, making me extra-susceptible.

A healthier person would have  their own life, be far less intense, not enmeshing you and would be hard pressed to want to pay attention to anyone like the disordered pwBPD... which is a mixed blessing. Other relationships... shouldn't destroy or enmesh us... but that intensity and attention was not all bad. Have to get my kicks elsewhere.

Exactly.  That's been the main lesson from my time in hell.  Create the life of our dreams, starting with a vision for it and steps towards it, and then move; happiness is created by progress.  Feeling out of control of my life and looking for someone to 'save' me from it, hell I might as well have painted a target on my back.  Valuable lessons learned through pain, once again.  But at least I learned them.

[Bushbabe]

Last night was the first time, for me, that I actually noticed the "peace & quiet"! It was unnerving, to appoint of being deafening. Today I feel my body starting to relax, something I forgot how to do. Always feeling like your on egg shells, not knowing what to expect, behaviour wise from my husband, has taken its role on me, not just mentally, but physically as well. Until today, I just didn't know how much. I can finally Breathe! My body feels like I have been hit by a truck. I feel so tired, but going to try and function to some degree.today. Is this normal, do other feel beat up physically also, when you can start to relax.

[fromheeltoheal]

Last night was the first time, for me, that I actually noticed the "peace & quiet"! It was unnerving, to appoint of being deafening. Today I feel my body starting to relax, something I forgot how to do. Always feeling like your on egg shells, not knowing what to expect, behaviour wise from my husband, has taken its role on me, not just mentally, but physically as well. Until today, I just didn't know how much. I can finally Breathe! My body feels like I have been hit by a truck. I feel so tired, but going to try and function to some degree.today. Is this normal, do other feel beat up physically also, when you can start to relax.

A lot of my repressed stress showed up in my body; muscle tightness, headaches, cold sweats.  That will get better; it's just our body's way of storing stress, getting rid of toxins, and alerting us to something that we're not facing consciously.  As you relax into your new life you will feel better, it's what trauma leaving feels like.