so much anxiety today

[gtrhr]

I really feel on pins and needles today.  I've not heard from her in a few days.  I theory I wanted to do no contact long before now.  In actuality I was doing limited contact by texting her for the past three or four month with no reply.  I felt she would move on and my guess was she would be seeing someone else eventually, and I tried to look at it under the assumption she would.  I was the one who felt I had to walk away from the situation really.  Things were just not healthy.  So now I have confirmation from that she's seeing someone because I told her I felt no closure between us and she responded to that.  Not with an "I'm seeing someone and it's time for both of us to move on"  but an "I'm seeing someone and I miss you, and I tell him I miss you."  And she tells me she regrets not working out and her dream is to come visit me and hear me play guitar.  Which is coded speech for she wants intimacy.

I'm trying to do no contact, but you know I really in truth can't shake this notion of wanting it to work out.  Which would mean her stepping up and doing something about the situation.  Totally unrealistic idea.  She won't and I know it.  There is no way I can be in contact with her knowing at any moment she could be with the person.  So I'm going through the emotions.  I don't understand how long this is really going to take now.  Years into this you'd think I'd just be done.  All our time trying to have the real relationship it's clear to me it doesn't work in a practical sense.  It's like the only thing we have really is a mutual sexual attraction,  and every once and a while the stars line up and she acts like the lovely person she can be.  I know going back would be a hellish experience.  I wish I could just shake this anxiety.  Or the feeling of just wanting to have cry my eyes out and it be done.

[LettingGo14]

I really feel on pins and needles today. 

This is okay, gtrhr.  It's where we start, and what we work with.   Recognizing it is important -- and allowing it to rise without judgment is even more important.   In my own experience, I "reacted" to pins and needles, rather than "holding" myself in the discomfort.  Once I learned to "hold" in the awareness, I became more able to work with it.

So now I have confirmation from that she's seeing someone because I told her I felt no closure between us and she responded to that.  Not with an "I'm seeing someone and it's time for both of us to move on"  but an "I'm seeing someone and I miss you, and I tell him I miss you."  And she tells me she regrets not working out and her dream is to come visit me and hear me play guitar.  Which is coded speech for she wants intimacy.

This is hard, especially because it keeps us hooked, and keeps her options open (at least in her mind.

You note your aspiration for "no contact" and that allows you to draw boundaries for yourself.

So I'm going through the emotions.  I don't understand how long this is really going to take now.  Years into this you'd think I'd just be done.  All our time trying to have the real relationship it's clear to me it doesn't work in a practical sense.  It's like the only thing we have really is a mutual sexual attraction,  and every once and a while the stars line up and she acts like the lovely person she can be.  I know going back would be a hellish experience.  I wish I could just shake this anxiety.  Or the feeling of just wanting to have cry my eyes out and it be done.

This is the hard work, and you've taken huge steps to put it into writing and acknowledge it.   We can push through anxiety but not avoid it.   Two excellent reads here:

Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Keep posting.  It helps us all.

[MommaBear]

I know how you feel. We all do. We all have high anxiety days, and sometimes we get through them, and sometimes they eat away at us until we go out and make yet another mistake we're soon to regret.

Can't win with this d/o. Can't win at all.

But you CAN control your response. And you CAN take comfort in know that we've all been there, and that you're not alone.

Hang in there 

[gtrhr]

Thanks for the articles!  I had not seen the one on Mindfulness.  I like the idea of how to try and control reactions, balancing the emotional side and the logical/rational.  I think a lot about Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea, and the notion of grace under pressure in relation to how I react to my exBPDgf.  And I have fallen short on many occasions!  I really wish I had the perfect response to her the times I gave in to frustration and the need to be heard above her abruptly shouting me down.

Today's anxiety has calmed down considerably and I haven't reached out to her.  I could use a nap but I'm at work as it is completely exhausting to go through these emotions.  In the past I might reward myself by not reaching out during the anxious times then texting her later.  But given the situation I need some standards for myself.