How does one deal with the depression

[goingtostopthis]

My boyfriend blocked me from facebook and has gone no contact on me.  Ive sent him emails but he wont answer me.  Ive really been having trouble dealing with the depression from all this. He split on me and told me it was over. This has happened before so there's all ways the the thought in my head maybe he will contact me again and we can start over. I have no clue. I think he hates me.  I have no clue.  Im in the dark.   I do all right some days but other days are so hard to get through.  Its hard to feel motivated to do anything.   

                 Im sad because this is a long distance relationship and Ive been planniing on seeing him again this Fall. Im going through this big move right now out of stat where Im going to start my own horse boarding facility.

                                     I think he just got tired of waiting or stopped believing that it would even happen.  Now that he split on me again it causes doubts as to weather or not it would be safe for me to even go now if things got better between us.  I still love him.   I dont know why?   I wrote him a really good email last night,best one ever and so I sent it.  I called his phone to leave  a message on his phone but the messanger didnt pick up.  It usually does,  so I waited and waited as it rung, finally I hung up. I wanted to tell him I had sent him another email.  I doubt he even checks his email and this is why I did that. 

                                    Well,   it was 1 o'clock my time when I did this and I wasnt thinking about the 6 hour difference. It must have been about 7 in the morning his time.   I went to bed.  Well,  at 3:43 am my time, my cell phone starts ringing and ringing and ringing and by the time I got out of bed they had hung up. Well, it wasnt a they,  it was him.   It must have been 9:43 in the morning his time.

                           At first I was really glad and relieved, he contacted Me! you know.  But as the day went on I started wondering if maybe he did that to wake me up on purpose to get me back for waking him up at 7 in the morning. I dont know!  He couldnt have spoken to me any ways because he cant aford the over seas cost.  So Im getting crazy thinking,  maybe that was his code to me that he got my email.   I dont know so I just went back to being depressed again.  I mean if he thinks he was getting back at me for waking me up hes wrong.I was over joyed in a sense.     All I know is that this is an impossible situation,  if he isnt going to communicate with me out right, there's no relationship anymore and Ive got to get back to gearing my head into accepting this. 

I dont want to be depressed. Its horrible. I have to keep reminding myself of all the yucky things he has done and know its true that Im better off. As hyper sensitive as he is, he probabaly did get all pissed off that I woke him up at 7 in the morning,  because he usually gets up at 8.  Excuse me your royal highness,  he's like  that. But to do a revenge call?  why?   what's the point if hes giving me the silent treatment? I want to hear from him, wouldnt he make the connection to that? 

     Anyways, this is about dealing with depression. Ive found that when I get this way I remind myself of all the things Im blessed with in my life. And instead of feeling depressed I try to think of it as a time to feel inner peace,    to take inventory of all the things Ive done that Im proud of.  I had a reality check session with myself the other night. It was pretty funny.  I had a cat in the room as my witness and therapist. I started rolling off all the things about him that troubled me,things I had blocked out of my mind started coming to the surface and before I knew it I was yelling and getting all worked up on my bed.   It felt good. It felt liberating.  My cat (bless his heart)  just sat there looking at me with a the patience of an angel.  I gave him a cat treat and a hug after wards.         

[seeking balance]

Hi goingtostopthis,

Sorry you are having such a tough time.  Glad you were able to work out some of the anger with your cat-therapist... .depression is anger turned inward.

Do you happen to have an actual T to work on some of this with?  Have you talked to an MD about your depression?

Tools that help:

Exercise - natural endorphins are created

Healthy Eating

Sleep

More Exercise

Crying

Stay away from alcohol or depressant drugs

It sounds like you and he are hurting each other more than helping with the back/forth - do you feel that way?  Do you think you can take a break from the phone calls a bit so you can regain your own balance?

Peace,

SB

[gtrhr]

Letting yourself feel the anger really helps and my cat has been witness to a few outbursts of anger feelings!    Sometimes there can be a real calm after the storm.

I agree with all seeking balance recommended.

[goingtostopthis]

Im waiting, I guess... .   Im waiting and wondering if he has read my emails because in them Ive been telling him about BPD.  He's taken things too far this time.  I am absolutely certain he has this, beyond a doubt. ,. and I think in the back of his mind he knows it too.  What I have said, may have an effect and it may not,  it may take another week or 2 years for him to acknowledge that he has a problem. And if hes going to discover it, it could very likely happen when I am tottally out of the picture.   But I think he knows I'm right.

                                        Maybe he feels shame or humiliation right now,I dont know,   but what I feel is like post tramatic shock.  All I hear, that keeps ringing in my ears are all the horrible things he last said to me, and I feel like it will never stop until I talk to him again when hes in a different frame of mind. This silent treatment isnt  silent, its hateful, hateful, hateful, demonic evil cruelty pounding on the back of my neck and shoulders.

                        I know, this isnt my problem anymore.  It's his.  I did the best I could to tell him as honestly and as nice as I could what I think he has all ready suspected about himself, probably for a long time. I also made it very clear that I still loved him the same and wouldnt leave him for that. I told him he needed to get tested for it.        If hes double mad about this, fine, then he is,  but why he refuses to talk to me, just to tell me what he thinks, or to tell me to go to hell,   I dont understand. This is a part of his anger thing and boy, we are about 7,000 miles apart,   but I can feel it and I dont like it and I cant stand it any longer.

I "was' totttally cut off,                      until that phone call that one night,  and now Im wondering and now Im  working on me to give this to God.   He either wakes up or he doesnt. He's angry and I have to find ways to keep this off my shoulders because it doesnt belong to me.  Because its funny this is what it feels like hes doing,  hes acting out his anger on me, arent I lucky? > his anger for his whole life.   And I know the truth is ,he can only do this to me with in my allowance. If I have to keep reminding myself that he has BPD inn order to stop taking his behavior so seriously every 5 minutes and that's what Ill do,  because this has been such a hell trip and I want out of it.    Im ready for some peace of mind., I know the truth and I think he does too, whether he decides to do anything about it, its up to him,  if he doesnt,  I know for certain I will end this for real.