Venting...

[thereishope]

I posted a brief introduction a few days ago, but find myself today wanting to just “vent” my thoughts.  I initially labeled myself as “undecided” on the board, but the more I read/discover/am honest with myself and my own thoughts/feelings, I sense I am more accurately finding my way OUT of this insane situation.  I am wanting to share my experiences and thoughts to invite others to do the same, assuming it will be helpful to hear the opinions/views/suggestions of people outside the blindness of these four walls.

I discovered information on BPD a day or two ago, while researching emotional/mental/verbal abuse.  I guess that is revealing in itself that I have been drawn to GOOGLE what the heck has been so wrong around here.  Something inside of me just “hasn't been right”.  In fact, I've even stated, “I can't explain it but it just feels like there is something big and bad inside that I just can't get rid of”.  I am seeing more clearly as I do research, that this “big bad thing” has been a reactive response to dealing with the actions of a BPD husband.  Humbly, I know I have my own issues that I need to deal with outside of him, but today, for therapeutic purposes, I am focusing on his behavior and my reactions to it/thoughts about it.

I feel like this is a classic case, as I read from different angles of this disorder.  Somehow there is always a negative attached to even the positives.  Mostly, I can't find much joy even during the calm times because at those times, there is nothing tangible to legitimately explain why I feel “yucky” deep inside.   

He is trying hard to connect with my kids (from a previous marriage)... .but somehow I feel as though he is trying to get the upper hand with them... .If I try to nurture my 7 year old daughter, for instance, he gets impatient with me as if I'm babying her, but will pick her up, give her a bandaid, and tell her if she needs him, he is “right here”. 

My teenage daughter he calls “Princess”, and goes out of his way to consider her needs.  This in itself is not a bad thing... .It just sometimes feels as though I am the lowest one on the totem pole. (For the record, I DO NOT LIKE the selfish, grasping behavior this BPD cycle has prompted inside of me... .sad  )  For instance, he asked me to get an insurance claim on daughter's broken cell phone.  He hadn't mentioned it at all yesterday, and I hadn't initiated the process yet... .so he turns to her and says, “tomorrow, around lunchtime, come downstairs and force the issue of getting your phone replaced, ok?”... .As if actually asking me directly would not have accomplished this in and of itself.

I feel like I look and sound crazy for writing these seemingly petty things, but I see that ultimately this living situation has turned a by God's grace/self-assured/strong/compassionate woman into a begging pleading, weak slug.  Feels ridiculous.  I have gone from expectant, to hurt/pleading/cowering/confused, to downright angry and ready for change.

Aside from the kids, just the two of us is an interesting thing.  We had a short break up last year, before we reconciled and got married.  During that time, I was in a relationship which I think proved to his idealizing mind that I wasn't the woman he had placed on a pedestal of perfect love for him.  Since then he has struggled with assurance of my love for him.  This weakness has caused a great great deal of difficult beating me up verbally over every possible gory detail of my relationship, and subsequently my ENTIRE past life... .as if my mistakes and decisions because in full focus under a microscope... .and he now needed an explanation/reassurance of our love in contrast to absolutely everything. 

The emotional/verbal/mental abuse that I now see his behavior toward me as turned my world upside down.  The blank stares, harsh words, “I don't care”, “Leave me alone”, “It doesn't matter”, “That's bullsh... .t!”, insane, horrible hell-like silent treatment, refusing affection and even common courtesy and kindness, name-calling,... .I definitely see how his world is his world and I, my opinions, thoughts, ideas don't really exist inside of his world.  I have learned to comply with everything he thinks and feels and plans because it is “easier that way” and avoids more mental pain.  (= WALKING ON MAJOR EGGSHELLS)

What kind of life is this where one has to be concerned about any possible thing you say and/or do?  No freedom of thought/expression/functioning... .There are so many things I think of to do with my kids, etc... .but have had enough situations where he has been upset at the way I have done things or didn't tell him I did it, or run things by him, etc... .that it feels not worth trying things.

There were only a few times of pushing me away and one instance of him throwing knives across the kitchen at me, (“wasn't even close to you, I just wanted you to get away from me”)  Nothing physical lately.  I left after the knife incident, but came back. (WHY?)  My oldest daughter will not have anything to do with us together because of that occasion.  She says she “fears for my safety”. 

All the bad behavior of course has been chalked up to me... .my driving/irritating behavior, like trying to communicate and somehow reach him thru unbending opinions and determinations about what I think/feel/am, etc... .Mostly when I have expressed my real, true feelings and a sincere desire to change and be and do what is best for us as a couple, I have been told often that what I'm saying is BULLSH... .T.

I'm sure I could go on and on about the unhealthy stuff... .and probably will share more as it wants to purge itself from my soul... .

But then as you all well know there is the sweet side... .the loving comments (when his face is not evil and mean and unfeeling during a bad time)... .the “only me... .best ever” stuff... .the gifts... .the comments about how he does stuff just for me so I'll be happy... .the statements the other night during an actual good conversation we had that he “really doesn't want me to feel... .xyz... .bad ways that I've been feeling... .

Fantasy... .he is my soul mate that I decided to marry and hope/believe for the walking together in and for God relationship that he promised me he wanted too... .

Reality... .he is down... .upset... .somewhat miserable wretchlike most of the time... .the majority of my time seems to be pursuing him to try and “reach” him, “help” him to “feel ok”, reassured, “fix” something... .somehow to be what I can't feel I can achieve to be to him.

My two overall concerns are that

#1. My heart/soul/time/efforts SHOULD be on seeking God and allowing Him to use me to do WHATEVER HE WANTS ME TO DO, with my moments and my days... .and instead I am putting all of myself into a person (wrong in itself, but also feels like pouring the liquid of my life into a bucket with huge holes in the bottom... .never ever has the capacity of being filled... .as it looks as though I patch a hole, or a few holes any particular moment, more, unexpected holes appear... .)

and #2.  My children are not able to get the fullness of what I should/want to be giving them... .time, investment, spontanaity, cheerfulness, peace, joy in living... .etc... .

I've had this “light at the end of the tunnel” feeling inside me for a long time that wants to be free to do and be whatever God and I want to be... .and I really didn't sign up for having someone else determine everything I think/do and to try and “fix” me.  I definitely am NOT perfect, but I surely did NOT need to be completely unacceptable and restructured by a BPD husband from the ground up.

[Tyrwhitt]

I totally relate to your vent. I found this board when I started to Google passive aggressive and realised that the patterns of BPD and experiences of others here matched my own and indeed yours.  I've had 20 years of bizarre behaviour, dramas every few months, none of my making. I've felt as you've felt, had oodles of silent treatment, tried every trick I know to make it better, fix it, help him.

I've told myself 'for better, for worse' all at a cost to me. We cope with the big dramas, but I feel that it'll end over something small. I'm trying to grieve for the fantasy I thought was real and look forward to the day I'm free.

I think you'll do whatever you need to, that may be reading, venting, imagining your life without him, grab a bit of what's left and nurture. I have friends who repeat a t me 'you deserve better'. I've grown so used to the mental abuse, I find this concept alien. I don't trust myself, I can't spot falseness, but it's right, you do deserve better. Life wasn't meant to be a test, full of negativity, find that part of you that you used to be and ask when it's time to allow yourself a different path. You'll know when that day comes.

[Vexed]

Found out about BPD the same way... .googling how to deal with a controlling, abusive, never wrong gf then when I read the BPD traits, causes, etc it all fit.   Sorry to hear about your situation, the more you read the more helpless this disorder appears :/ 

[Hopeless777]

We must believe that God hears our pleas. There must be an end to the pain and suffering we endure at the hands of these mentally ill people. I just don't know what to do. I want to reach out to her in the night, but I'm now miles away. I had to leave because she's assaulted me and threatened to call the police for attempted rape if I ever enter my home again. I feel so bad that I've let everyone down, including my beautiful wife with BPD, my kids, my colleagues, and God. I wish I could get a "do over"! But such is not to be. How humiliating.

[Arminius]

It's good to get this stuff written down, in my experience. You will get help from many here and as you've no doubt already seen, you are not alone

I came here via google too, and yes, just the fact we are googling for answers tells us something is wrong. You're in the right place. Thank Google