Discouraged...

[AlonelyOne]

Frustrated this week.  

We've been going to mediation, even though I really do not believe that will be workable in the end - but I'm willing to try. (I suspect we'll have to go to a collaborative approach, where we each sit across the table with our lawyer.)

It's very hard for me to face her, she's a very good verbal sparrer, and after so many years of being verbally beat down and degraded by her, it is hard to stand up and vocalize my case.

What has me discouraged is that in the first Mediation session, we couldn't even get past my 4 1/2 year old laptop (which I want to keep because I have tons of development software installed, and it also has a lesser common feature of dual hard drive bay).  When asked by the mediator to give a value, I said $300. S2BX felt it was worth much much more. (Mediator wasn't sure it was worth that, so we mostly skipped the asset division.)

Wife took all of the family savings. Feels entitled to it, as SHE saved it (while I paid ALL the bills). So when our credit card debt came up. She was like, "Oh that's all his spending. And I was like that's not an accurate reflection. Much of it was household, medical, vehicle or justifiable expenditures.

Then she pointed out that our other card had gone from $300 to $600. And wanting me to justify it, I was going to show that it was justifiable but of course my app wouldn't load properly. (I had already gone through our major card showing that a good 80% is what people would consider understandable expenses. (As for the difference on the other, Amazon Prime renewed when it wasn't supposed, $800 were an order for new prescription glasses. $50 is monthly medical accidental insurance for the kids, and about a $100 was miscellaneous expenditures I'll take credit for (personal items).

The Mediator after S2BX said this, asked if I could show documentation showing what percentage was my share.  And my gut reaction was why am I being asked to. If all debts and savings are common to the marriage. Is the intent to "pro-rate" the debt. How would that be fair?

Then our second mediation also left me disturbed. While a few things went reasonably smoothely (ie: holiday schedules). When it came to calculating income, I felt it was very inequitable.

First she wanted to base S2BX's income on her current earnings in the first half ($13K) of the year doubled for annual for a grand total of $26K. However, my wife resigned from her part time position about 4 months ago. However, in 2013 she earned over $40,000 and wasn't even working full time. To which my S2BX rebuttled me exclaiming that she had pretty much been working full time.

So then the Mediator asked her hourly wage ($30/hr), and began to calculate it at 40 hours. S2BX interjects that full time is only 36 hours at her work. (As many nurses do 3 "twelves".)  So Mediator revises it down.

Mediator begins to calculates mine, and I inform her it's $75K.  But there is a glitch in our accounting system that occurs due my normally working 4 day work weeks. This results in my sometimes getting a check that is higher and has bonus time, and then other times one that is lower, to correct it. But I have not worked ANY overtime this year. Nor is any likely to be approved. So my actual end of the year will be $75K. So I begin to try to explain to the Mediator, and she is like, "well do you earn bonuses", and I begin to reply yes, at times... .and so she cuts me off and says "... .then I'm including it"

So basically my income is getting calculated as higher, hers as much lower than her potential. Which supposedly will be less of a $100 difference. And when I inquired why it wasn't being imputed at 40 hours (since she'd been working quite a few 40+ weeks recently), and what if wasn't working 40 hours. To which I was told it wouldn't change things.


It just makes me feel like things aren't equitable. And when I wanted to address the 2013 income, and how her expenditures don't match. I got told that was the past, we're dealing with future. And that is assets, not finances.  So just frustrating.

S2BX really wants to work out a custody plan for the summer.So she can schedule her work hours. I tried to pitch me temp. having Thu-Sun. But that didn't float. She suggested every other Thu-Sun.

Now I'm leaning more toward seeing if I can somehow make every other week work.  But my frustration is that when I go to the Child Support Calculator. Even though our net incomes are the same if she claims the kids on her taxes. I'd be expected to give her a big chunk of money if she's declared Primary.  But if we do every other week. Why should either one of us be a primary?  And if our net incomes are equivalent. Then shouldn't that just be how it is?

[AlonelyOne]

Every other week.

No child support.

Split the daycare / medical costs.

Basically, I think the next mediation session I'm going to walk in and say "Look, I want her hours imputed at 40 hrs/week. And my wages at $75K/year.  If not... .then I think I'm done trying to mediate.

Ugh... .

[ForeverDad]

Why won't who gets to file for the child deductions be alternated?  She gets the first year, then you, then her, etc?  It's very standard nearly everywhere.

The IRS wants the persons identified taking the child deductions and credits to be entered on their form, I believe it is Form 8332.  Ad if there's a modification to that, then there's yet another form to use.  Officially the IRS says it won't accept clauses in a court order, they want their forms to be completed, signed and filed.

As for a schedule, you won't ever get all weekends.  Perhaps you can do a 2/2/5/5 schedule where she gets the first half the week, you get the second half of the week and then the weekends are alternated?

Expect her to fight tooth and nail to get and keep control of custody and parenting.  And expect that the court will likely be inclined to tacitly defer to her entitlement.  They may not state so verbally or in paperwork, officially they claim to be gender neutral, but courts and professionals often default to a certain gender's benefit, leftovers of the Tender Years Doctrine of yesteryear.

[AlonelyOne]

Because, if I let her take them, it essentially balances out our Net income.

And if we do every other week, joint split custodianship, and have the same net income.  Then simply splitting the child care would provide a very equitable arrangement.



"officially they claim to be gender neutral, but courts and professionals often default to a certain gender's benefit"

Yup, I've noticed that in mediation.  But I'm fighting and standing on PA's statute.


(b)  Gender neutral.--In making a determination under subsection (a), no party shall receive preference based upon gender in any award granted under this chapter.


I need to get a firmer definition of the following:


PA Commonwealth Code

§ 5323.  Award of custody (a)(1) "Shared physical custody."

I want to know if PA allows for not having a primary custodian designated.

[AlonelyOne]

S2BX came last week with a U-haul and cleared out much of our home. Didn't even leave me with clothes for our children (since remedied).  Just collapsed on the floor and bawled. (Yet she couldn't quite fathom why I didn't want to join her for fireworks?)

Some items we'd divied up she left. Other we were discussing. And somethings she has no claim to what-so-ever (not even technically my property).  

Is there anything I can do legal-wise to prevent her from coming and just taking more stuff whenever she wants? (I could change the locks, but if it's anything like eviction, that is likely illegal.)

[ForeverDad]

Has she moved out and established a separate residence?  Then you could be said to have 'possession', but verify with your lawyer or maybe the local police.  Of course, she could claim, "I'm still moving for the next X weeks."  But if she has a place to sleep and eat elsewhere and you're not blocking her from any necessities such as car keys, her personal computer, etc then she's not under any hardship and you possibly can change the locks and notify her to schedule any future retrieval visits with you in advance.  This is likely one of those cases where possession means a lot and if you moved a little too fast the court likely won't see it as a big deal.

A member here several months ago reported his just-separated ex took over the house and he moved into one of the the two rentals.  Yes, you guessed it, after he changed the locks and took up residence there she later came and changed the locks again.  He tried to report it to the police but they deferred to family court which is a long wait.  You may not be able to claim theft so you have to document it and seek resolution later when the assets, debts and financials are worked out.

If you have some personal items, mementos or other items that you don't want your ex to grab, move them to a location she can't access, at work, with trusted friends, with family, in a storage unit, etc.

[livednlearned]

Careful about the collaborative divorce approach.

Lawyers who commit to a collaborative divorce are bound by the terms to NOT go to trial. Which means if you and your stbxw cannot agree on everything, and court is the next option, then you have to retain a new lawyer to take you to trial. Even if she settles with you the day before, you still would need a new lawyer to help you prepare for court.

Also, by then your stbxw knows every card you want to play. She can then double down on you with the new lawyer. Not a good negotiating position to be in.

[david]

I live in Pa. There is shared legal and shared physical custody. Shared legal means all major decisions need to be worked out together. Shared physical is 50/50 custody.

The recent positive news in Pa. is that judges must put in writing their decision and reasons for why they decided custody they way they did. When I first started this there was no such law (2007) and judges rarely gave any reason for why they decided the way they did.

You really need W2's and pay stubs if available to show income. Get the last two or three years to show the pattern. What about your tax returns ?

If you make 75,000 and stbx makes 40,000 and you have 50/50 you will owe child support in Pa. You can look up child support calculator online to figure it out.

My ex emptied our house. The courts really didn't care about it. I don't know if the same would have happened if I emptied the house but if I had to do it over again that is what I would have done.

It sounds as if stbx is making the claims and asking you to prove otherwise. If stbx makes a claim then simply ask her for the proof. Stay calm. You don't need to get into details unless the other party can produce it too. If you can prove your point in a quick and easy way that is fine too.

We went through equitable distribution. Her atty sent interogatories to my atty. It was at least 20 pages and a lot of questions. I simply answered N/A for the majority of them. I had my atty send ex's atty the same nonsense for ex to answer. She made numerous claims that were false. I had proof that most of what she claimed was in fact false. Ex claimed we had 1.2 million in assets and I stole most of them. Since I had photos and other proof that she indeed had most of the items she listed I decided to agree to her appraisal. I countered ex by saying she could keep all the things and just give me "my" half in cash. Her atty took ex out of the room. We settled that day because her atty didn't want to go in front of a judge.

If you can detach enough emotionally it is just a big game with a bunch of rules. Learn the rules and you learn how to play the game.

In mediation you DO NOT have to agree to anything you do not agree with. Stand your ground in a firm but pleasant manner. NO is a reasonable answer to a question or a proposal.

[Matt]

Where I live, if one party is living in the home, and the other isn't, the party living there can change the locks, and the other party can't come there without permission.

Doesn't matter who owns the home, or who pays the mortgage, or who signed the lease, or anything else - only who is living there.

I don't know how many days you have to live alone there to be considered the sole inhabitant - your lawyer should know that, or maybe you can find it online.

If it works the same way in Pennsylvania as where I live, the right thing to do is change the locks and let her know, through her lawyer, that she is not to set foot on the property without your written permission.  If she still has personal stuff there - not furniture or other big items, but her clothes, books, etc. - you can probably arrange with the police to send an officer at a certain time, and she can come and get that stuff.  But don't let her come into the house while you aren't there, and don't let her have a key, or give her any other excuse for coming into your home without your permission.

[livednlearned]

I left abruptly. I was advised to go back into the house while N/BPDx was at work and remove my belongings, so I did. Furniture, clothing, my son's stuff. There were no repercussions whatsoever. In fact, I think the judges and lawyers expect it. What happens is that each item is valued at Craig's list prices and it is then counted against the equitable distribution. If you take items that total $1000 on Craig's list, then that will be deducted from your equitable share.

After I did that, N/BPDx didn't change the locks. He just kept sending emails and fussing about it with his L, "LnL can never set foot on this property." His L just said, "why don't you change the locks?"

Check to see if you can change locks where you live. It will save you a lot of grief. And get a video recorder and do a sweep of the whole place so you have a record just in case.

[david]

I believe he has to go to court and say that stbx abandoned the property when she left. The judge will then give him an exclusive right to live there until divorce is resolved. He can change the locks at that time and she is not allowed to enter the premises. If he changes the locks before that she is allowed to break into "her" house.

[broken3]

alonely one. I also live in PA. I filed for immediate occupation of the marital residence. She is not allowed to step foot on property.

Court imputed my income to 75K net because the job I left to start my business paid me for all of my vacation and bonus.

She has a bachellors degree and is a state certified teacher. They only imputed her to 9$ per hour working 30 hours a week.

I get no child support even though I have custody. Yet I pay her 600 in APL.

The system is definately bias.

I was told... .be happy you have custody.

No offense to anyone. But if I was a woman. It would be completely different.

I know that for a fact because when I had false charges filed (overturned). I was ordered to pay $2300.00 per month in support and APL.

[david]

broken 3, I believe after two years you can revisit the child support issue. There is a calculator online from the law office of penn glazier. That is the same one used in my county (bucks county) and I believe in the state. You just plug the numbers in and it gives you the amount. It was very accurate in my case. It was off by a few dollars because I estimated ex's income. The court required we both have our last two pay stubs and our W2 from the prior year to ensure some kind of accuracy. They determined an hourly rate based on that and plugged the numbers in.

They were interested in two other things :  1) who paid for the health care of the children and how much and  2) how many sleepovers each person had for the prior year. I forget the number but there is a minor adjustment based on the number of sleepovers the paying party has.

I have been dealing with this since 2007. One thing I noticed. In the beginning I was automatically the problem/ bad guy/ whatever. The more times I was in court/ conferences/ etc the easier things became for me. It didn't matter who initiated the court/ conference. My guess is that people start to pay a little more attention when you become a regular. I always remain calm and focused on the single issue at hand. Ex goes all over the place and verbally attacks me. I do not react. I think both of those things have helped me.

APL only lasts until you are divorced so the sooner the better. Support is based on the number of years you were married. I think they take that number and divide by 3 or 4 to determine the total number of years for alimony.

If they sense you understand the rules they follow them. I provided the three things they wanted: my income, health insurance info, and the number of sleepovers. The officer seemed pleased that I had everything and didn't react to ex when she tried to provoke me.

If you calculate the APL with the online calculator you may find that they lowered that amount to offset the child support amount.

[AlonelyOne]

If she were to work a full 40 hours at her current wage. She'd earn about $60K. The net difference in pay if she claims the children is about equivalent to our kids health insurance premiums. So if I cover those, our net take-home is equal.

If we alternate every other week. Why should there be ANY child support involved what-so-ever?

***

I meet with lawyer tomorrow, so I should find out regarding locks/entrance, etc.

[Matt]

Every state has its own guidelines for child support and alimony.  You can probably find them online, or your attorney should have them.

Go through the worksheets the way you think is right.  It may be reasonable to "impute" to the other party the income she would be making if she was working full-time at a job in her field.

Where I live, even if you have 50/50, the party who makes more usually pays child support.  And the party who makes more usually has to pay alimony for some period.  Child support usually lasts til the kids are 18 but alimony can be a short time, a long time, or forever, depending on your state's laws, the length of the marriage, and other factors.

If you make a proposal based on your state's guidelines, using the best information you  have, that should be the basis for a settlement.  If the other party doesn't agree with it, and doesn't make a counter-proposal which you think is reasonable, then you can let the court decide, in confidence that the court's decision will probably be similar to what you proposed.

[AlonelyOne]

I've beat to death the state guideline calculator.  But what it doesn't seem to address is whether there is a 50/50 split. The calculator

So if you had a family of four, each parent earning $60K. It would come to an $850/month child support payment.  But this is presuming a custodian and non-custodian. Rather than every other week split.

Meeting with lawyer tomorrow... .

[broken3]

David and forever,

I paid for her education, watched kids while she was in school after my full time job. She has a degree. I do not.

The states website and penns website says that we should be at a break even between child support and alimony.

Problem is she did not disclose her incomes, even lied about custody to the assistance office and got free food and cash for over $1000.00 per month. I caught her and reported it as I had the receipt in my hand.The kids told me they were eating steak and crab legs, starbucks frappachino, pies, cakes, dunkin coffee etc. I wish I could afford those luxuries.

The assistance office terminated the kids insurance a few months prior because she called in and said the father had custody. I called in and asked if you are cutting my kids insurance since I have custody. Then why is she still getting cash and food stamps for a year? They said because she did not request to terminate the food and cash assistance.! What a joke.

I quickly filled out the requested paperwork and got the insurance re-instated.I dont get assistance for food or cash i was denied because I make too much.

As far as sleepovers. I have every single day listed with pickup and dropoff. It averages 14% of the month for almost two years.

They don't care. All they see is how much I made in the past(and they included my cash out of my vacation days from over 10 years). And how she claims poverty and hides income and gets money from boyfriend and her parents. She has never even produced a tax return!Just goes in there with her lowest paystub and says this is what she makes.

Not the truth about how much I make now, how i have been paying legal fees and judgments, how I have taken care of the kids 85% of the time. Bought all the clothes for the kids, school supplies, lunches etc.

The APL will last until we divorce which should be next month. But I have been over paying for 2 years now. And she will not agree to settlement based on what she believes is entitlement.

She wants half of the equity and none of the bills, and alimony for 5 years.

As i have prepared all statements and assets and liabilities. Accounts recievable versus payable. given tax returns. Full disclosure. She comes in with a paystub, lies about her hidden credit cards (which I have her credit report).

And the court asks me to prove things. Unbelievable!

[david]

We kind of went off topic a bit. Each situation has it's own unique circumstances.

Getting back to the topic of ":)iscouraged". When my ex left in 2007 I never saw it coming. I was in fog and wasn't making the best decisions. I found a therapist (it took several before I found one that was a good fit for me), I found this site, and I read lots of books on mental health zeroing on BPD. I was still trying to fix things back then. Eventually I came to the realization that what most mattered was our two boys. I was concerned for them prior but wasn't in the best frame of mind to do my best. I learned to detach emotionally from my wife. That led to new challenges from move and counter moves. The dysfunctional relationship would only get better if at least one of us changed. That time went from 2007 to about 2009. I am normally a very deliberate person and my relationship with my now ex was anything but that. I found myself again and was able to better focus on our two boys.

The better at staying focused on what was best for our boys the better I got at dealing with my ex's nonsense. Ex still has her passive/aggressive behavior, still accuses me of things, still is as inconsistent as she was the last five years. I no longer react/respond the same ways.

During this time I learned the family law game. I got better and ex continues down the same path. It isn't playing out as well for her anymore and I do believe she senses it.

It has cost me a lot of money, stress, moments I felt like just walking away from it all. I couldn't live with myself if I gave up on our boys and that is why I still deal with ex. I only communicate through email to protect myself. It took some time for us both to figure out how we would "function" that way but I think things have stabilized to some degree that is good for our boys. Ex is still passive/aggressive and I think that will always be a constant for her.

The one thing I think I have that most here do not is I have a great relationship with my SS's (her kids from her first marriage). They are in their 30's now and we vacation together, get together, call each other, etc. Ex doesn't have that and they are her dna ! That really helps me see what I am doing. It helps me when I want to second guess myself. It helps me from getting discouraged.

My life is nothing like I expected. My finances are the worse they have been in three decades but I am digging my way out. If things went the way I thought they would our house would have been paid off in 2010, we would have bought a vacation home down the shore for our entire family (wife and I, all the kids), and I would be looking at retirement (not working a full time job) in the next few years and we still have a 15 and 11 year old to raise.

[AlonelyOne]

David,

How did you move communication to email?


I've decided no more "phone" communication with S2BX. A few weeks back I was expressing a desire to email or text only. But she still called.

However, after this past week, in which she made numerous false accusations that I was harassing her family and friends, having relatives harass her (of course, when I asked for names and what they said, she simply exclaimed it was already resolved).

But the real clincher is that she stated her reason for her fly-by-night departure was due to the above harassment and my constantly yelling and screaming at her on the phone.

I haven't yelled or even really raised my voice since she informed me of the intent to divorce.  So this is a total blatant lie.

But who's word will the courts believe? in a he said, she said... .hers! So how do I defend myself? if she claims that I am yelling and screaming at her on the phone... .

The ONLY protection I can think of is to NOT speak to her on the phone. If she calls, I am going to text her and tell her to only call if it is an emergency, and to text me regarding the emergency.Otherwise, I am not answerings.

Which is extremely sad, as this means I can't talk to my kids at night. Nor can I call her or let her talk to the kids at night when they're in my care.



=(

[livednlearned]

But who's word will the courts believe? in a he said, she said... .hers! So how do I defend myself? if she claims that I am yelling and screaming at her on the phone... .

Court is going to assume you are two mad-as-hornets soon-to-be-ex-spouses who are both behaving badly.   Then court is going to look for points of law that actually matter. I think judges see plenty of this behavior (in which both parties really do behave this way), and it mostly rolls off them. It's when it continues for years that a judge might start to pay attention. No one really cares about he-said, she-said except us, the ones who can't stand being falsely accused of whatever behavior.

The ONLY protection I can think of is to NOT speak to her on the phone. If she calls, I am going to text her and tell her to only call if it is an emergency, and to text me regarding the emergency.Otherwise, I am not answerings.

You can also just write her one email that says, "Unless it is an immediate emergency involving the kids, please communicate with me by email only. I will respond to emergency text messages about the kids.

Which is extremely sad, as this means I can't talk to my kids at night. Nor can I call her or let her talk to the kids at night when they're in my care.

It gets unbelievably complicated trying to talk to kids after divorce when the other parent is BPD. You can try to get things settled through a custody order, like requesting that only the kids answer the phone, mother cannot monitor calls, or whatever. But anything you think she is going to do, she'll accuse you of doing.    

[AlonelyOne]

Court is going to assume you are two mad-as-hornets soon-to-be-ex-spouses who are both behaving badly.  

I know... .just like many of our friends believe.

And yes, I believe your statement of expecting such accusations is pretty much right on... .

[ForeverDad]

Parenting orders have a boilerplate clause that parents get to have "reasonable telephone contact" with the children when with the other parent. It is purposely vague since the court expects the parents to figure out what works for them.  Naturally, that vagueness allows the disordered parent to reinterpret it to suit himself/herself.

You need those phone calls to your children due to the risk that many fathers are defaulted to getting only alternate weekends.

What eventually worked for me was when the court set a half hour period in the evening for calls.  That was when my cell phone died, it took a few days to get a new cell phone, meanwhile ex refused to call the house phone and she complained to the court I was blocking her calls.  Unfortunately the court also ripped out the 'reasonable' clause and so technically I would have been in violation if I didn't allow calls during religious services, outings to the movies, when son had already fallen asleep, etc.  The last time in court I got the 'reasonable' word reinstated.

I suggest you don't allow multiple calls throughout the day.  Keep it relatively structured.  Courts don't want calls limited but sometimes pwBPD can really get the kids wound up to talk for excessive times.  In the past there were rare instances where he really got into calls with his mother and was consumed by them.  About 98% of the time my son talks only for 1-3 minutes to either of us.

[Matt]

No one really cares about he-said, she-said except us, the ones who can't stand being falsely accused of whatever behavior.

In most cases, this is probably very true.

I do think it is important to challenge every false statement that is made in court, or in court papers, even if you can't absolutely prove it's false.

The reason is that if the other party says, "Mr. One did Such-And-Such!", and you say nothing, the court could assume the accusation is true.  And there may  be more accusations, and the court may assume they're all true, or that "Where there's smoke there's fire" - each of them is partly true, and the whole pattern is what the other party claims it is.

I had some luck handling it a different way.  When a false statement Sun accusation was made in court papers, I brought a copy of that with me the next time I met with someone.  I read from my notes, "A few minutes ago Mrs. Matt stated that I did Such-And-Such.  That is not true.  I have never done Such-And-Such.  She has offered no evidence to support her accusation.  This is part of a pattern - Mrs. Matt is making false accusations with no basis and no evidence."

As LnL suggests, the court will probably not take up the issue and decide who is telling the truth - it's likely to be viewed as He-Said-She-Said.  But over time, when this happens again and again, either the opposing attorney will tell his client, "You can't make these unsupported accusations!", and reign in his client, or the court will see that they are not supported and you are handling them calmly;  you will be seen as the one who is behaving appropriately and the other party will be seen as unable to control her behavior.

[david]

I got tired of the chaos from ex. She would call and attack me, text me and attack me, email me and attack me. This went on for a year and a half. I finally sent an email explaining I thought it best that all communication be done through email to prevent any misunderstandings that may occur. I got rid of texting on my phone. I stopped answering my phone if it was ex. That morphed into ex calling me from various unidentified phone numbers so I stopped answering my phone unless it was in my phonebook. Eventually I got it written in our court order that all communication is to be done through email. The only exception is an emergency. I have never had an emergency so I never called. Ex called several times and they were not emergencies. It was about that time that we had the court order specify email only communication. We also had a parent coordinator at that time. That morphed emergency calls to leaving a voicemail that described the emergency. If it was a true emergency I would call (never had to do that) or I would respond in an email (I have done that a few times/ when I do that I repeat, in the email,  what was in the voicemail and add my reply)

Since April of this year ex's house phones (two) were "lost by the children" and ex sent me an email telling me that if I wanted to talk to them I had to call her phone. At first I wasn't sure what to do. I decided to record my conversation with an audio recorder. I state the time and date and what I am doing (calling the boys). Ex has never answered her cell and I leave a message. It is all recorded. The boys have never called me back. Prior to the phones being "lost" I used to get 4 to 6 calls a week from the boys. I have all the phone records.

We just finshed up a custody eval that went extremely well for me. The report was 16 pages long and not a single negative thing about me in it. Can't say the same about ex. My atty is currently trying to negotiate with ex's atty. I also had him file a court date so this doesn't drag out any longer.

Ex left in 2007 and I have become so used to her behavior it doesn't phase me anymore. I figure it will not stop until our youngest is somewhere over 18. It's part of my life. I accept that.

[david]

I record myself just in case ex accuses me of verbal abuse. I have been accused a multitude of times of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I don't go near her without a video and an audio recorder. That eliminates all physical and verbal abuse. Email only communication does the same and, I believe, also eliminates emotional abuse. My emails are focused and factual and stay focused on our boys. Any attacks by ex, in her emails, are ignored. I am not sure what I can do about the spiritual abuse but I can say I have no vodoo dolls.

[livednlearned]

As LnL suggests, the court will probably not take up the issue and decide who is telling the truth - it's likely to be viewed as He-Said-She-Said.  But over time, when this happens again and again, either the opposing attorney will tell his client, "You can't make these unsupported accusations!", and reign in his client, or the court will see that they are not supported and you are handling them calmly;  you will be seen as the one who is behaving appropriately and the other party will be seen as unable to control her behavior.

This is really good advice. Usually, the way it might happen in court (at least where I am), you would give your testimony and the opposing party's L would cross-examine you. Your L would ask questions that are simple no or yes answers. A good L will make a strong case without you having to explain much, she'll just cue up soft balls and you'll hit home runs. Then the opposing L might say, "Have you ever raised your voice and yelled at my client?" You might say, "I have not raised my voice or yelled at your client." Then the opposing L would say, "My client says you repeatedly yell at her when she calls to discuss issues pertaining to the kids." Then you would say, "There is no truth to what your client is claiming, she is making a false allegation that could not be more opposite from the truth. During phone conversations, she repeatedly raised her voice and threatened me, so I asked her to communicate only by email."

Most judges, though, deal with some pretty bad stuff, and parents who yell at each other isn't up there in the red zone. But the principle of setting the record straight is good to stick to -- repeatedly pointing out what is real and what isn't. There's a good chance the opposing L doesn't know the truth, and you want to be the more credible witness. If she says you yell and scream and threaten, and then you're in court under pretty tense conditions, and don't get mad or yell, then that says you probably aren't doing that stuff.

[Matt]

As LnL suggests, the court will probably not take up the issue and decide who is telling the truth - it's likely to be viewed as He-Said-She-Said.  But over time, when this happens again and again, either the opposing attorney will tell his client, "You can't make these unsupported accusations!", and reign in his client, or the court will see that they are not supported and you are handling them calmly;  you will be seen as the one who is behaving appropriately and the other party will be seen as unable to control her behavior.

This is really good advice. Usually, the way it might happen in court (at least where I am), you would give your testimony and the opposing party's L would cross-examine you. Your L would ask questions that are simple no or yes answers. A good L will make a strong case without you having to explain much, she'll just cue up soft balls and you'll hit home runs. Then the opposing L might say, "Have you ever raised your voice and yelled at my client?" You might say, "I have not raised my voice or yelled at your client." Then the opposing L would say, "My client says you repeatedly yell at her when she calls to discuss issues pertaining to the kids." Then you would say, "There is no truth to what your client is claiming, she is making a false allegation that could not be more opposite from the truth. During phone conversations, she repeatedly raised her voice and threatened me, so I asked her to communicate only by email."

Most judges, though, deal with some pretty bad stuff, and parents who yell at each other isn't up there in the red zone. But the principle of setting the record straight is good to stick to -- repeatedly pointing out what is real and what isn't. There's a good chance the opposing L doesn't know the truth, and you want to be the more credible witness. If she says you yell and scream and threaten, and then you're in court under pretty tense conditions, and don't get mad or yell, then that says you probably aren't doing that stuff.

This is what I found too:  all the professionals involved - the judge, our Custody Evaluator, and both attorneys - none of them really knew my wife or me very well.  So anything I could say, or my wife could say, about stuff that had happened in the past - unless there was solid evidence - they have no way to evaluate.  Attorneys who don't know the truth usually take their clients' word for it, but the other professionals reserve judgment - who knows what really happened?

But... .what goes on during the legal process is different.  All the professionals involved can see for themselves who tells the truth, who complies with the law, who loses their cool, etc.

So... .if a key point is, "I am rational and the other party isn't.", you probably can't ever just say that - it would be inappropriate and unconvincing.  But as the case drags on, month after month, if your behavior is always appropriate, moderate, calm, and rational, and the other party acts out at times - accusations, threats, refusal to cooperate, etc. - everybody involved - including even the other party's own attorney - will get the picture.

[AlonelyOne]

I am going to try to set up Skype as an alternative.  The kids will be able to Skype my phone from their iPad. And I have an old iPhone that they will be able to Skype their mom with.

I figure that is reasonable.  But it is clearly not "safe" for me to contact her on the phone.


Oh, I don't mind talking to my kids. Not the issue. It the false statements that I have been "yelling and screaming at her over the phone" (totally false and baseless - but no means for me to disprove that accusation).

Presently, I am recording good night messages and emailing them for the kids.

I was also accused of encouraging harrassment of her by others. She refused to provide name or the message she was supposedly sent.  I figure if she makes that claim, I am going to turn around and have my lawyer subpeone the name of the individual and the email.  (Which I doubt she'll be able to turn up.)

[gherkins]

Alonelyone, we have not had success with Skype because we would be using it to spy on their household. Be prepared for the crazy accusations with that method too.

[AlonelyOne]

I looked at adding a second line. Too pricey.

But am considering something like a Go Phone.