25 years of terror

[going places]

At first, I just thought he was 'immature' and with age, he would 'grow up'.

Wrong.

Then I thought it was a 'pattern' he had learned from his selfish father.

Wrong.

THEN I thought, and he had me believing 'it was me'.

About 6-8 months ago, I started digging.

I saw an abuse advocate, went to group meetings, read a TON of books, did a TON of research on line.

I learned what "gaslighting' is, I learned what a sociopath is, I learned what a narcissist is, then I found this site.

Rivers are not created in a day. It starts with a few drips of water, then a trickle, then a slow steady stream, and before you know it? There's a river there! It happens and no one really notices until the earth has been carved out, hollowed, and water is deep and flowing... .

I just want to live... .love... .be filled with joy... .let go.

Let go of the hurt, disappointment, anger, shame, etc.

I feel like a cat caught in a blender... .I hate this feeling.

I don't love him, not one single bit.

The hate that burns inside of me is destructive, and consuming.

I don't miss him.

I want to get as far away from him as possible.

I don't want him back.

I would rather be hit by a 747.

I just want to live. I want to enjoy life.

I will be 49 soon... .and I do have some life left in me.

I want to live... .live to the fullest.

I don't know what to do.

[Lucky Jim]

The hate that burns inside of me is destructive, and consuming.

Hey going places, You acknowledge feelings of hate, but don't mention anything about working through the anger, which I think is essential in order for you to live life "to the fullest."  Hard to enjoy life when consumed by hate, so consider taking steps to process your anger.  You don't need to carry it around.  LuckyJim

[SpringInMyStep]

Oh wow I feel the same way. I've only been with my wife for barely 2 years so I cannot imagine what it feels like for you. For me, it feels like I've been duped. I mean honestly, if we knew they had BPD in the beginning, would we have gotten involved? My answer is no. So it feels like they've been trying to trick everyone in to thinking they're "normal" when they are not.

I'm 48 and this is my second marriage so I completely understand. But yeah, we have lots of time left to figure out how we want to live our lives. 

[going places]

The hate that burns inside of me is destructive, and consuming.

Hey going places, You acknowledge feelings of hate, but don't mention anything about working through the anger, which I think is essential in order for you to live life "to the fullest."  Hard to enjoy life when consumed by hate, so consider taking steps to process your anger.  You don't need to carry it around.  LuckyJim

I don't know what to do to get rid of it... .so that I can live.

Really, I don't even want to live right now.

I just want to go to sleep, and never wake back up.

I am sick of this nightmare.

I don't know what to do.

[Hopeless777]

Take a deep breath and let it out. You can do it! I have been married for 27 years. Separated 2.5 months. NC 5 weeks. Just now finding out about all the deceit and duplicity over the last few years. Some days are good; some days are bad; some days are really bad. You have to go through the stages; and anger turned inward is one of them. It must be directed outwards, and then it will eventually evaporate. You must have a close friend to talk to, a therapist, a psychiatrist (if you need drugs, I do), an organized support group, and read. Read about your SO's problem to understand it (and no we never understand it) and then find out about your problem. I'm pretty much done reading about BPD... .its totally illogical to me, but I understand it. But who cares at this point? I'm learning about my co-dependency role and trying to give up my caregiver persona. I recognize that I need healing as well as my BPDw, but I'm no longer her caregiver and her problems are her problems. I'm taking care of me. You need to as well.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, going places,  Hopeless777 makes some excellent suggestions.  Other ways to process your anger include writing about it in a journal, composing a letter that you don't intend to send, reading a book about anger (such as that by Thich Nat Hahn), or sitting with your feelings and just observing them without judgment.  You could also try: taking a long walk, going on a long bike ride, playing a musical instrument, or painting and drawing.  Find out what works best for you.  Maybe its a combination of the above suggestions.  Lucky Jim