Trying to get a protection order

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

if my exBPD has a replacement he sure doesn't show it.  

I blocked him on my phone so he got a ghost app.  he stole my best friends number to use to call me and made up a fake number to text me.  After pounding on my door yesterday which I didn't answer and because my best friend and ex husband who is a cop, kept urging me I finally went to the police station to file a report.  The emails were also nonstop.  The charge is telecommunications harassment.  The officer called him to tell him that I made a police report and he asked if he could still contact my family or send me a birthday card.  He was told if my family told him to stop and he didn't he would have 2 charges.  He told him no on the card which BTW my birthday is in June.  There is a 1000.00 fine and jail time if he contacts me and so far he hasn't. Although I miss him he consumed all my energy and thoughts and I was scared of him.  I feel so much relief, like a weight has been lifted off me and I'm proud of myself that I finaliy took this step although I feel bad for him even though he tortured me, not phyicaly but emotionally.

Promises

[Promises]

if my exBPD has a replacement he sure doesn't show it.  

I blocked him on my phone so he got a ghost app.  he stole my best friends number to use to call me and made up a fake number to text me.  After pounding on my door yesterday which I didn't answer and because my best friend and ex husband who is a cop, kept urging me I finally went to the police station to file a report.  The emails were also nonstop.  The charge is telecommunications harassment.  The officer called him to tell him that I made a police report and he asked if he could still contact my family or send me a birthday card.  He was told if my family told him to stop and he didn't he would have 2 charges.  He told him no on the card which BTW my birthday is in June.  There is a 1000.00 fine and jail time if he contacts me and so far he hasn't. Although I miss him he consumed all my energy and thoughts and I was scared of him.  I feel so much relief, like a weight has been lifted off me and I'm proud of myself that I finaliy took this step although I feel bad for him even though he tortured me, not phyicaly but emotionally.

Promises

[growing_wings]

hi Promises,

sounds like going to the police was definitely the right thing to do. Sorry to hear things have been so difficult for you. Safety is priority number 1 ! so yes, be proud of yourself, not an easy step to take but a needed one to take distance and protect yourself.

pwBPD will move on and find a replacement as soon as the interest in the current person dies down, once he finds a replacement, then you will be painted black... .  until who knows... . unpredictable if they return or not.

so, how long have you been NC?

[Promises]

Hi growing wings.  It's our first whole day with total no contact although I've asked him to do it several times but he wouldn't cooperate.  What do some of these letters mean?  I know what BPD means but what is PW?

Promises

[Turkish]

Hi growing wings.  It's our first whole day with total no contact although I've asked him to do it several times but he wouldn't cooperate.  What do some of these letters mean?  I know what BPD means but what is PW?

Hello Promises. "people with" It was a while before I grasped all of the acronyms. Now I make up my own :^) Take a look at this for a good summary of the major ones used here:

What do all these abbreviations mean?

[Promises]

So much more has happened.  I'm so stressed and sad.  Trying to get a protection order now.  He doesn't care that he is supposed to have no contact.  He drives past my house, texts me under a fake number and sends me email after email. He still drives past my house.  He even pretended to be someone else on another message board I was on and pm'ed me for 2 days till I finally figured it out.  Working with a victim's advocate now to get the order.  He's so blaming, manipulative and delusional and also splitting between love and hate.

Promises

[Promises]

And also his sense of entitlement is through the roof.

Promises

[growing_wings]

sorry to hear things are not getting better... this is a tough situation to be in.

when i went through my own post NC chase, i wrote everything crazy she did, everyting that a "normal" person would not do. I know b/u are hard, but people dont chase, intimidate, threaten the other person, so i wrote it down, so when i forget about this and wanted to return to her, i would have something to remind me how impulsive and non caring she could be... .   in your case, his behavior is extreme... the right thing to do is to protect yourself, use the police & legal situation to ensure you are ok, and write it down... . you will want to read it in the future when the fear dissapears and the grieve settles in (in my view anyway)

[Promises]

Thank you growing wings.  I am saving everything.  It is so extreme and I am amazed at myself that I still feel sorry for him.  But my anger and fear is a little stronger than my empathy so I will be seeking a protection order.  The process is more complicated than I thought it would be.

Promises

[Promises]

I also did make a list of his horrible behavior and it is 14  pages long! It has helped in my weak moments.

Promises

[growing_wings]

Thank you growing wings.  I am saving everything.  It is so extreme and I am amazed at myself that I still feel sorry for him.  But my anger and fear is a little stronger than my empathy so I will be seeking a protection order.  The process is more complicated than I thought it would be.

oh i experienced the same, i felt (and still feel) sorry for the pwBPD in my life...  that has made my detaching process a bit more difficult... . i feel empathy and concern for her, inspite of her doing stuff that i cant imagine ahuman being being capable of doing... .

so you are not alone on that feeling...

yes, definitely seek a protection order... .  safety is number 1 priority

[GreenMango]

Promises the danger factor can rise as you leave and can last awhile or get worse even after you leave as you see with his coming to your house and harassment.  :)o you have a safety plan in place?

It may help to talk about the steps and precautions with a domestic violence counselor.  :)o you have one or spoken with one?

[bpdspell]

Wow Promises.

I've been in your same exact shoes. My ex also stalked, harassed and wouldn't let up until I obtained a restraining order. The thought of being followed, barraged, and harassed is quite intimidating and frightful. Some borderlines are obsessive, neurotically narcissistic and controlling. Some are also sociopathic. If any of the orders are violated you must report him so he'll understand that you mean business.

For a long time I scratched my head in confusion over why my ex couldn't leave me alone. Honestly I still can't say why other than they don't like being abandoned or the thought of losing the control they once had over you. The disregard for the law does point to sociopathic tendencies though and for that all you can do is keep 911 near by.

It helped me to spend a couple of days with friends to lay low and it also helps to change your phone number and drop all forms of social media. You cannot give a raging borderline an inch because they'll take a mile and a half in terms of boundary violations. If you're going to cut the cord you're going to have to do it ALL the way. Any niggling will send the message that you aren't sure of yourself and since you've called the authorities you are past the point of no return.

A psychotic borderline is not to be played with and there is no room for playing nice. Like you mentioned some borderlines are highly entitled and possessive. They aren't nice people in the least and could care less about violating your personal space. Time to not care about him. Time to care about you and your well being.

Spell

[Promises]

Great advice everyone!  So much as happened.  It's a sick, twisted mess but I do have my protection order and he's wearing a GPS monitor so I'm feeling better about that.  I was told not to go to the arraignment but was told by my victims advocate that he brought his wife!  He's still married.  Supposedly been working on disillusion the whole time we were together which I know now is not true.  She told the judge she never feared him and more lies. She had told me quite the opposite so I'm amazed and horrified she would say that.  I guess he's got his replacement!  I'd suspected he was working on her the last couple months since I told him we were not gonna be able to make it because of his abuse.  Wishing I would have trusted my instincts along time ago because it's such a horrible mess.  Not only am I  grieving the loss of his good side but facing a trial and so many lies.  Its sickening to me and I'm overloaded with depression, anxiety and stress. All he had to do was have no contact after the police report and of course he's blaming me for all this. I am defiantly painted black now.

Promises

[growing_wings]

hi Farhorizon,

Sorry to read things got worse... this is definitely a tough and very challenging situation to deal. It is good to see you have the right protection from the police.

I know is hard, but it is better for you and your safety that he's got a replacement... it is painful, but at least his focus will be on her. less for you to carry.

if you feel overloaded with depression, anxiety and stress, would you consider getting some help through therapy?. When i reached my lowest, just before the b/u, i was in a terrible state, loaded with depression, confusion, etc. going to therapy helped me so much, that no doubt if i go through a similar situation again the first thing i would do is support myself with the help of a therapist. what do you think?

do you have a support network with friends or family?

[ForeverDad]

... . he brought his wife!  He's still married.  Supposedly been working on disillusion the whole time we were together which I know now is not true.  She told the judge she never feared him and more lies. She had told me quite the opposite so I'm amazed and horrified she would say that.  I guess he's got his replacement!  I'd suspected he was working on her the last couple months since I told him we were not gonna be able to make it because of his abuse... . I am defiantly painted black now.

You can't trust a pwBPD to be truthful about prior relationships.  If not outright lies, then it's at least twisted to match their perceptions and they don't look back at past relationships with fondness.  Typically they're all described as abusive.  Maybe they were but expect blame-shifting.  And in your case, his marriage wasn't even ending - at least not now - he was just leading you along with stories he expected to manipulate you.  (Most pwBPD are masters at manipulation, having done it virtually their entire lives.)

About his ex, maybe she's messed up too.  Or maybe she's a target/victim who can't manage to stand up for herself and the truth after many years of exposure to him and his pressuring and manipulations.  Likely she was telling you the truth before but before the judge she was put on the spot and likely felt she had to support him by minimizing it all.  Whether she intended to or not, she turned out to be enabling him.  It's nearly impossible to have good boundaries if you're in a long term relationship with a pwBPD.

[maxen]

You can't trust a pwBPD to be truthful about prior relationships.  If not outright lies, then it's at least twisted to match their perceptions and they don't look back at past relationships with fondness.

for example, my stbxw complained that every time she got serious with one of her previous bfs, they "couldn't commit." hmmmm ... . i wonder why. more self-possessed those fellas were than i was.

Farhorizon, i'm glad you got your protection order. i also second growing wings' suggestion of therapy. if you are in a crisis of anxiety then don't disdain medication. i'm having anxiety attacks for the first time in my life and i now carry clonazepam with me and i'm glad i have it.

please stay safe above all.

[Promises]

    I do have a counsler that knows all about this but I need to make another appointment.  It's so maddening I'm consumed by it.  I can't get it out of my head.  I read all the emails and texts over and over because I might need them for pre trial or they would be gone.  Reading back through he pretends to not understand why I'm leaving him.  I've explained it more than I've ever explained anything in my life and him not understanding and blaming me kills me.  I wish I were not such a sensitive, hyper focused person and I could handle this better.

     His wife should have not even been there.  He knew that would kill me and it did.  Why are they so evil?  Do they really not understand how they are treating people?  After all this I still miss him everyday.  I hate that.  I will make another therapy appointment.  Thanks for your support everyone!  I am going to spend more time on the boards because maybe understanding things with help.  I haven't been on for a while because I was over focusing on trying to get it to the point of obsession.  Even though he's gone from my life he's still terrorizing me inside.  You guys are the only ones that can understand.

[Promises]

I feel like I could probley use some medication but I've been on all that stuff before but it just puts me to sleep.  A super low dose doesn't help me much and still makes me tired but I'm glad its  helping some of you.  The thought of explaining this to another person exhausts me.  I did have a psychiatrist that I told but I'm not seeing her anymore.  Still have my counsler though. 

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like you don't know how to stop obsessing?  I know you're more than perplexed at how he (and she?) could do this to you.  The core issue is that this is a mental illness where it just plain doesn't make sense, no matter how hard you try to make sense of it.  That's what mental illness is - screwed up, twisted, reversed, blackened illogic.

Solution:  Stop trying to make sense of it!  (Yes, easier said than done. :'( )

Yes, the professionals can describe, categorize, even write textbooks about the patterns, but for everyday people it still doesn't make sense.  So just LET GO.  As difficult as it is, MOVE ON.  You ended up loving an abuser and manipulator.  Know inyour heart of heart that he won't stop lying, abusing and manipulating.  See him for what he is, not what you wanted him to be.  Run, don't walk!  In time your heart and emotions will catch up with you.

As an example, try to see him as a wild animal, a panther, lion, tiger, grizzly bear or great white shark.  So majestic - from a distance.  Too close and you're dead meat!  Sadly, you can't afford to risk being too close to this person.  He's out for himself and he leaves carnage in his wake.

Have you read DrJoeCarver.com handouts?  He's a clinical psychologist in southern Ohio.  Go to his Articles tab and read these articles:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

On our Articles board:

Emotional Memory Management (Ruminations) - Joseph Carver, Ph.D.

Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - Carver, PhD

[Promises]

It doesn't make sense.  None of it does and it will never.  Read the book Psychopath Free.  It was like the whole book was about him.  I hate that I can't control my thoughts or emotions.  I hate that I cry from missing him.  I hate that I still love him.  I hate that he wouldn't change.  I hate that it got this far and I still have to go through more.  The list goes on and on.  I could write a book.

Thank you all for your advice and support.  I will do what needs to be done to recover and like myself again.  It's just taking longer than I want it to.  I wanted and still want this man out of my life but I'm feeling the loss and I don't want to feel it.

[Promises]

Thanks Forever Dad.  moving on is my goal and you are right about accepting that I fell in love with this man but now I know what he is and will always be.  I can just make sure I never am this careless to not trust my intuition and ignore red flags again.  No way will I ever let this happen to me again.  If I ever fall in love again, which right now doesn't seem possible, it will be real and with a real man.  Not a mentally abusive man who pretends he's something different so he can hook me.  Not this sick, twisted, deceitful, controling, manipulative, conditional thing that he called love.  I will learn from it and move on to a more meaningful, joyful life.  I promise myself that.  However long it takes.

[Promises]

I wrote an email to his wife that I cannot send because of the court date.  it was for me, not her.  It would be meaningless to her.  If she stooped to his level like she did it's probley useless to explain anything to her just like explaining is a waste to a borderline or sociopath.  Nothing matters to them but them.  I spent 9 months trying to explain all my feelings, my decisions, my reasoning.  Such a waste of my time, energy and life.  I never had a voice with him.  I was background noise.  How insignificant I actually was in the relationship is what is hitting me now. He would have chosen anyone who played his game.  It wasn't personal.  He didn't love me for me, he loved me as his property.  He never heard a thought, dream, fear or concern that came out of my mouth.  I had nothing to do with it.  I was only there because I fit what he needed at the time.  They don't care about their impact on you.  They don't care if they hurt you or damage you.  They just don't care.  He had no genuine real emotions.  He actions spoke louder than his words.  It just took me too long to catch on.

[ForeverDad]

This sounds like you wrote a Closure Letter.  Good for you, let go and move on.  However the general consensus is:  Do not ever send it.  The recipient(s) would not perceive it as you do and beside, the legal restrictions of a protection order would very likely prohibit ever sending it.  To repeat, it is very good for YOU.  Gift yourself this closure.  Some here have chosen to rip them to shreds, burn them, whatever it takes - but not sent.  Sadly, sending won't work and in some cases could even create more problems.

[Promises]

I agree, no point.  Will just let them know he still has ahold of my emotions and they are not capable of understanding anything anyway.  She obviously sees me as a bad person for "throwing him in jail" as he put it and not a victim.  Anyone who can't understand that he threw himself in jail by his actions is not worth a second of my time.  I warned him over and over that I was going to have to go to the police if he didn't stop and it was his choice not too.  I cannot even comprehend blaming the victim but that is what they are choosing to do.  I had to defend myself the whole relationship.  He never got it.  He had not 1 ounce of empathy in his whole body and obviously she doesn't either. I hope for their kids sake that she does about other things but she obviously doesn't in this case, which is frightening because they have daughters.  I hope she can teach them that this is not acceptable behavior for a man to stalk and harass a women. She doesn't know the severity of the harassment and should have found out before she went before a judge, but he's a liar and she only knows what he told her.  Makes me sick.  I'm hating her as much as him.

I have a lot of resentment to work through and try to let go.  I had a better day today and can just take it one day at a time.  I appreciate your kind words ForeverDad.

[Promises]

I am realizing now that he was trying to make me jealous and insecure about her through our whole relationship.  I didn't see it till now and its becoming so clear.  It worked and he loved it.  What kind of man does that to someone they supposedly love so much?  That's right.  A borderline.  He is pure evil.

[Promises]

Just an update.  Had exparte protection order.  Could not have hearing for permanent because criminal case wasn't resolved.  At pretrial he verbaly agreed to plead guilty to one count plea bargained from 4.  I was so happy because I can't handle a jury trial emotionally.  I have no doubt in my mind.  I hyperventilated and shook at the pretrial knowing he was in the same building.  Thought he plead guilty because hearing for protection order was then set.  I get a letter Sat. That it is set for Jury Trail in August.  he didn't plead.  Will finally get to talk to an advocate tomorrow.  Been a weekend from hell.  A jury trial is my worst nightmare but I have no choice because its the procecuters case.  I'm there witness.  So much proof he's guilty and I can't handle this stress. 

Feel asleep this evening.  Woke up thinking it was morning and I could call an advocate.  its still Sunday night.  Didn't notice till I left a message.  That's how messed up I am.  Their gonna see mental distress at it's worst if this goes on.