effects of BPDw on 11 yr old son... ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've had my first meeting with an atty to start the divorce process and honestly I've got some concerns. From everything I've read I'm taking the attitude of 'hope for the best... .prepare for the worst'. As a father I'm acutely aware of the potential struggle to receive custodial/residential parent status for our 11 yr old son. He loves his mother and I do believe it's important that he spends equal time with her, but I don't believe it's in his best interest that she has the legal authority to make potentially life altering decisions. When she's in a disordered state, there is no logic (as I'm sure you are all aware) and her decisions during these times are typically destructive.

I really have two different areas for which I would like input.

1. My son seems to be showing some effects from growing up with a BPDm. He's bright, outgoing, talented in sports, well mannered and respectful... .unless he's around his BPDm. When he is around her, he's a combination of rebellious and 'babyish'. It seems to me that he's matured to the point that he realizes that the control and manipulation are not normal and he's lashing out against it (I know... .not uncommon for boys this age but his behavior is different than 'the norm'. After a rebellious episode he then literally acts like a 4 yr old... .cuddling up to 'mommy'... .saying over and over 'I love you mommy'... .just like he did when she would get mad when he was little. He also demands absolute perfection from himself... .beyond being highly motivated for achievement. If he doesn't do something new correctly the very first time he tries, he has a meltdown. I believe it has much to do with BPDm rarely being satisfied with anything that anyone does. Am I being overly sensitive? Does any of this make sense? Can anyone shed some light?

2. I have always been the whipping post for my BPDw. When she gets in a disordered state I do as much as possible to keep the focus on me and protect our son from the anger and verbal/emotional assaults. This is my conundrum... .I would like to have a 50/50 shared time agreement after the divorce because I feel it's important for our son to have time with both parents. However, I'm concerned that he'll have no protection when she's disordered and the only available 'black' is him. Is this a legitimate concern? Has anyone experienced this?

Thanks for any thoughts.

[tiredandbroken]

I've had my first meeting with an atty to start the divorce process and honestly I've got some concerns. From everything I've read I'm taking the attitude of 'hope for the best... .prepare for the worst'. As a father I'm acutely aware of the potential struggle to receive custodial/residential parent status for our 11 yr old son. He loves his mother and I do believe it's important that he spends equal time with her, but I don't believe it's in his best interest that she has the legal authority to make potentially life altering decisions. When she's in a disordered state, there is no logic (as I'm sure you are all aware) and her decisions during these times are typically destructive.

I really have two different areas for which I would like input.

1. My son seems to be showing some effects from growing up with a BPDm. He's bright, outgoing, talented in sports, well mannered and respectful... .unless he's around his BPDm. When he is around her, he's a combination of rebellious and 'babyish'. It seems to me that he's matured to the point that he realizes that the control and manipulation are not normal and he's lashing out against it (I know... .not uncommon for boys this age but his behavior is different than 'the norm'. After a rebellious episode he then literally acts like a 4 yr old... .cuddling up to 'mommy'... .saying over and over 'I love you mommy'... .just like he did when she would get mad when he was little. He also demands absolute perfection from himself... .beyond being highly motivated for achievement. If he doesn't do something new correctly the very first time he tries, he has a meltdown. I believe it has much to do with BPDm rarely being satisfied with anything that anyone does. Am I being overly sensitive? Does any of this make sense? Can anyone shed some light?

2. I have always been the whipping post for my BPDw. When she gets in a disordered state I do as much as possible to keep the focus on me and protect our son from the anger and verbal/emotional assaults. This is my conundrum... .I would like to have a 50/50 shared time agreement after the divorce because I feel it's important for our son to have time with both parents. However, I'm concerned that he'll have no protection when she's disordered and the only available 'black' is him. Is this a legitimate concern? Has anyone experienced this?

Thanks for any thoughts.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi my friend,

I feel for your situation. I'm divorced from my uBPDexw.  Some of my situation seems different, since I have daughters.  As far as sons go, my stepson (her son) is a grown adult (though, he struggles to actually function like one), and he still chases after her.  I almost never see him, in spite of how often I invite him over.  Yet I see pictures of him hanging out with his mom all the time.  But although I do believe there is an attachment between son and mother that is different than with dad (and vice-versa with daughters and their daddy), the fact that you have been his dad from the beginning is huge.  I don't really know what else to say on that.  Just no matter what, be a strong and secure attachment for him, but don't shrink back from reflecting reality to him.  Sometimes I have to put my daughter back in her place.  She may hate it, but that is my job.

This is my conundrum... .I would like to have a 50/50 shared time agreement after the divorce because I feel it's important for our son to have time with both parents. However, I'm concerned that he'll have no protection when she's disordered and the only available 'black' is him. Is this a legitimate concern? Has anyone experienced this?

I have joint with 50/50, and I've been concerned with this with my kids and their mom.  All I can say is... .write everything down.  My eldest daughter is a few years older than your son, and she is pretty clear on how her mom is.  She doesn't like it.  Her mom doesn't paint her "black."  She's done that to her son a number of times, however, but always taking him back.  But not with her girls.  She has, however, dumped on our eldest many responsibilities -just like how she used to do with me.  She can't get out of bed, so she has our eldest be her babysitter and get her younger sister ready for school and things.  It makes our eldest pretty angry, and sometimes she tells her mom what's up.  But most of the time she just tells me.  And I listen and validate her feelings, which is HUGE.  And I tell her, if she gets really upset, that I support her being with her mom but if she ever doesn't want to be, there will be no questions asked -she can just call me and I will pick her up.

Unless you are going to wage war and try to win custody (which will undoubtedly provoke an all-out war, complete with lying and all kinds of manipulation and parental alienation from your BPDw), I still think that taking the supportive co-parent role is best.  The more I fade into the background for my ex, the better.  So, I am supportive but distant.  The kids pick up on any negativity about their mom (and probably vice versa), so I make sure that the only negativity about their mom comes from their mouths.  I am there to validate their feelings, reflect reality to them, protect them if necessary, but also support their relationship with their mom.

Whether or not she will paint him black, being a male, I do not know.  I suppose time will tell.  I just always keep an ear to the ground, if you know what I mean, and I document everything just in case.  By and large, it is best (in my opinion) that my kids see their mom for who she is.  Love her for who she is, but see her for who and what she is.  And I don't think that would happen any other way if I didn't support their relationship with their mom.  But yes... .the instinct to protect is still there.  I pray I never have to act on it.

I kinda rambled, so I have no idea if any of this helps.

[tiredandbroken]

Yes OutOfEgypt... .it does help. It sounds like you get it. I think that often the gender roles are designed to play a part in our child's development and that they complement (or should complement) each other. It seems that mom's role, by the way they are designed, is geared more to meet the immediate needs of the child where as the dad's role is geared more to ensure that the child grows into a mature, well balanced adult. I find myself often trying to fulfill both roles and I'm not totally confident in my ability to 'be mom'... .although I do the very best I can do. I know kids are very resilient but in the case of those with personality disorders, they obviously came of the rails somewhere. I think my greatest fear is that my son will grow up 'unbalanced' and the cycle will continue. It is reassuring that your elder daughter is showing signs of balance and maturity even though I know that some of the things that she has to deal with aren't at all fun... .or even fair. I haven't been in a position as of yet to explain to my son what is going on with his mom. That day is coming very soon and I'm dreading it to be perfectly honest. However, he's a sharp kid with a heart the size of Texas and I hope that I can be supportive and wise enough to help him use these traits to overcome the situation and not succumb to it.

[OutOfEgypt]

I find myself often trying to fulfill both roles and I'm not totally confident in my ability to 'be mom'... .although I do the very best I can do.

Yup, I know this very well.  If your son has you, he's got a TON.  Don't ever forget that.  You cannot make up for his mother (and you can't and shouldn't have to), but you can be (and are, from what I see) a lot more than "just a dad" to him.

Mom will always be "mom" to him.  That's what I find difficult sometimes.  I get angry and I want it to be that *I* am mom, too.  But as much as I fulfill her role in many ways that she is not, the kids clearly still see her as "mom" and always will.  I can never take that away, and to be honest I shouldn't even try.  I should let mom be mom to them -a broken mom, but still mom.  No matter how my daughter sees how immature, projecting, strange, selfish, neglectful, and mean she can be, she still has utter respect for her mom as her mother.  I can't save my kids, but I can be an awesome dad.

I haven't really had to explain anything to my kids.  It's as plain as day.  Mom still acts the same way even without daddy around.  Mommy is neglectful, selfish, always caught up in some new guy or new things, spends money like water yet complains that she never has any (meanwhile, I live paycheck to paycheck because I pay child and spousal support), blames people, constantly talks badly about someone, demands to be in charge, has to be the center of attention... .you name it.  My main job is to continue with my new life and not allow all of her ridiculous behavior to get me to jump off my own rails.

I know you are scared of your son growing up imbalanced or like his mom.  I fear the same thing.  On one hand, I cannot control that so I have to let it go.  On the other hand, if I am there for my kids and if I am a healthy source of closeness and validation and love for them, they will be just fine -not perfect, but just fine.  Same goes for you, my brother.  Keep the faith that all of your toil will not prove meaningless!

[tiredandbroken]

Amen!... .and thanks.