Blurted out the truth in an attempt to set a boundary; feeling strange about it

[Cat21]

The last few months have felt very eye opening for me, as I've learned how to define and set boundaries with my uBPDh. I've noticed some progress (yay!) and have managed to avoid some large dysregulations by sticking to MY guns in terms of enforcing boundaries. For example, a few days ago, my husband was expressing frustration over a family situation (my immediate family, not his) and eventually just started trashing my family members, and me along with them because I did not agree with what he was saying. I got up and got my keys (I do not tolerate insults, and he now knows this), but before I could get out the door, he said "Wait. Please come eat your dinner- you're hungry and it will get cold. I'm sorry; I'll stop now. I know I crossed a line." I paused and thought, OK- I'll try trusting this to see if we've made progress. I sat back down. He didn't say another word for 15 minutes, and when we finished eating, he said, "That was really stupid- I'm sorry. I don't really feel that way about your family members; I was upset about something else." Progress!

Fast forward to last night. We entertained some newly engaged friends and had a nice evening. My husband drank quite a bit, and was clearly pretty intoxicated. I hate being the sober "parent" to his drunken child, and he knows that. I have been struggling with setting boundaries when it comes his drinking and I know that it does no good to try and reason with someone who is drunk (let alone drunk AND BP!) I tried ignoring his irritating behavior the best I could, but he kept following me around from room to room, pawing at me and professing his love for me. He told me that he wanted to have sex, and I said, "No. I'm not attracted to you when you're like this. Drunkenness is not sexy; it's totally unappealing to me." He didn't seem offended; he just sort of stood there; it may not have registered. I know that rejection is a huge issue for pwBPD and I immediately recognized that I may have unintentionally set off a firestorm in his head. 5 seconds later, he passed out on the couch and is still sleeping... .

I guess I want to know if I should have handled that differently. Should I have validated his advances and let him down easy, in different way? I don't even know if he'll remember it. We leave for a 2 week vacation today and all I think about is how this rejection might morph into bad behavior in the coming weeks... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cat21]

Update:

UBPDh doesn't seem upset; I doubt he even remembers what happened moments before he passed out. I've asked him a few questions about last night and his memory is foggy. I guess time will tell if the rejection rears its ugly head in a different way.

[formflier]

The last few months have felt very eye opening for me, as I've learned how to define and set boundaries with my uBPDh. I've noticed some progress (yay!) and have managed to avoid some large dysregulations by sticking to MY guns in terms of enforcing boundaries. For example, a few days ago, my husband was expressing frustration over a family situation (my immediate family, not his) and eventually just started trashing my family members, and me along with them because I did not agree with what he was saying. I got up and got my keys (I do not tolerate insults, and he now knows this), but before I could get out the door, he said "Wait. Please come eat your dinner- you're hungry and it will get cold. I'm sorry; I'll stop now. I know I crossed a line." I paused and thought, OK- I'll try trusting this to see if we've made progress. I sat back down. He didn't say another word for 15 minutes, and when we finished eating, he said, "That was really stupid- I'm sorry. I don't really feel that way about your family members; I was upset about something else." Progress!

Fast forward to last night. We entertained some newly engaged friends and had a nice evening. My husband drank quite a bit, and was clearly pretty intoxicated. I hate being the sober "parent" to his drunken child, and he knows that. I have been struggling with setting boundaries when it comes his drinking and I know that it does no good to try and reason with someone who is drunk (let alone drunk AND BP!) I tried ignoring his irritating behavior the best I could, but he kept following me around from room to room, pawing at me and professing his love for me. He told me that he wanted to have sex, and I said, "No. I'm not attracted to you when you're like this. Drunkenness is not sexy; it's totally unappealing to me." He didn't seem offended; he just sort of stood there; it may not have registered. I know that rejection is a huge issue for pwBPD and I immediately recognized that I may have unintentionally set off a firestorm in his head. 5 seconds later, he passed out on the couch and is still sleeping... .

I guess I want to know if I should have handled that differently. Should I have validated his advances and let him down easy, in different way? I don't even know if he'll remember it. We leave for a 2 week vacation today and all I think about is how this rejection might morph into bad behavior in the coming weeks... .

Overall... .this is great news!  He is obviously working at it.  And so are you. 

No idea how to advise you on the drunken behavior thing.  But it sounds like you have a bouncary... .and you stuck to it.

[itgirl]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am not good with boundaries at all.  Mostly as I have co dependent issues.   As I sit here I am sticking to a boundary for the first time.  She is totally picking a fight as she is in a real bad mood and I am not engaging.  I explained once and only once why I am not in the wrong and did not JADE.

Now I sit and try and empower myself not to go and try to fix the situation.

anyhoot don't want to hijack your post!  well done!

[formflier]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am not good with boundaries at all.  Mostly as I have co dependent issues.   As I sit here I am sticking to a boundary for the first time.  She is totally picking a fight as she is in a real bad mood and I am not engaging.  I explained once and only once why I am not in the wrong and did not JADE.

Now I sit and try and empower myself not to go and try to fix the situation.

anyhoot don't want to hijack your post!  well done!

Small hijacks are fine! 

Especially for those that are sticking to a boundary for the first time!   

That totally rocks!

Can you start a new thread to celebrate the first time boundary... .I'd love to learn more about it.

Please describe the boundary.  Then describe what your partner did that triggered the boundary enforcement.

I think I get the vibe of the story... but probably best for you to go into detail.

Maybe also share some thoughts on how you figured out to explain once.

I bring that up because there is a bit of a discussion going on about enforcing a boundary and letting "them" figure it out... .actions speak louder than words.  Compared to explaining things once and then moving along.  I think there is some debate about a one time explanation being a bit close to JADE.

Personally... .I'm a fan of explain it once... .and move along.

Even if they claim to have not heard you... they did!



Congrats on the boundary... .I'm sure we'll swap more stories in the future.  First time I did it... .I was scared... .nothing happened for a while... .then the testing came... .then the extinction burst... .then it was all better.

No more testing of that boundary. 

[itgirl]

Thanks Formflier.  I stuck to my boundary and it paid off.

I have tried to set boundaries before which didn't work.

The old me:

Rage starts

I announce that I am going to walk the dogs as I don't want to argue further in circles.

She would get very upset that I want to leave.

I stay

Fight commence

What I did differently this time around.

She was in a very bad mood and totally out of line.

I told her that she is out of line and left the room.  (I did not wait for her to respond or me to go in further detail)

Picked up my laptop and went and sat in another room.

I think the reason that I did not leave the house made her calmer and she could take the time-out to calm down.  She made a very nice dinner and we actually had a nice evening. 

I learned a very valuable lesson that helped THIS time.  Don't JADE and leave the situation.  Not necessarily the house.

[waverider]

I told her that she is out of line and left the room. 

Be careful of direct fingering blame, that can trigger auto defense (attack). Better to say that you are not going to engage in angry debate, or similar. It is the situation you are avoiding not the person, and you are also explaining your action, with a simple statement.

[formflier]

Thanks Formflier.  I stuck to my boundary and it paid off.

I have tried to set boundaries before which didn't work.

The old me:

Rage starts

I announce that I am going to walk the dogs as I don't want to argue further in circles.

She would get very upset that I want to leave.

I stay

Fight commence

What I did differently this time around.

She was in a very bad mood and totally out of line.

I told her that she is out of line and left the room.  (I did not wait for her to respond or me to go in further detail)

Picked up my laptop and went and sat in another room.

I think the reason that I did not leave the house made her calmer and she could take the time-out to calm down.  She made a very nice dinner and we actually had a nice evening. 

I learned a very valuable lesson that helped THIS time.  Don't JADE and leave the situation.  Not necessarily the house.

Excellent work... .... excellent posting by describing the old and the new.  That helps us track your thinking... and point out areas that might be available for further improvement.

I told her that she is out of line and left the room. 

I like to think of things not as right and/or wrong... .but good, better, best.  This was clearly a better response than the "old you".  If faced with the same situation in the future how do you think you could handle it even better... .and why do you think that is better.

When you get time... .please write out some other boundaries that you have tried and didn't work.

Note:  Might be best to start up a new post... .I'll keep an eye out for it.

[itgirl]

I see where I went wrong or rather what could potentially have been a big mistake.  Thank you for pointing it out.

She was so blatantly wrong that I didn't even consider her thinking otherwise.  Usually I would JADE so in this instance I think me saying this and walking away stopped the fight.  But next time I might not be so lucky.

thanks FF.  I will start a new thread about practicing and enforcing my new found hope that is boundaries. 

[formflier]

I see where I went wrong or rather what could potentially have been a big mistake.    

I think you have the right perspective... ."wrong" seems very harsh.  I would hope you would think of good, better, best.

In military debriefs we had "goods" and "others".  That way it wasn't so confrontational to say this was "bad"... .it was just an "other"... .that we are hoping to do better next time.

Just like this is important to do for others... .it's also important to do for your own inner monologue... your thoughts about you.

Many on here will describe this journey as a marathon... .not a sprint.  Keeping your spirits up for the long run is very important. 

It's important to celebrate a victory with this boundary!    It really is a big deal.  And yes you should always want to improve... .but don't let this take way from the HUGE victory that you had.

You used and boundary... .it worked!  Now you can personally say that the tools on here work!

See you on your new thread!   

[thereishope]

I told her that she is out of line and left the room. 

Be careful of direct fingering blame, that can trigger auto defense (attack). Better to say that you are not going to engage in angry debate, or similar. It is the situation you are avoiding not the person, and you are also explaining your action, with a simple statement.

Sometimes I think direct confrontation actually works... .I stated very blatantly, the other day, to my uBPDh that he was simply being mean to me... .This actually prompted a healthy response of, "I never want to be mean to you... .slap me if I'm mean to you!" (Of course not realistic... .of course I'm not going to slap him!   but he was actually responsive to having that behavior pointed out to him.  I'm sure if emotions were dysregulated at the time he wouldn't have heard me, but I just wanted to add a situation where a direct confrontation actually worked to both of our benefits.  Sometimes I believe they do not know how they are acting or coming across... .

Your thoughts?

[formflier]

I told her that she is out of line and left the room. 

Be careful of direct fingering blame, that can trigger auto defense (attack). Better to say that you are not going to engage in angry debate, or similar. It is the situation you are avoiding not the person, and you are also explaining your action, with a simple statement.

Sometimes I think direct confrontation actually works... .I stated very blatantly, the other day, to my uBPDh that he was simply being mean to me... .This actually prompted a healthy response of, "I never want to be mean to you... .slap me if I'm mean to you!" (Of course not realistic... .of course I'm not going to slap him!   but he was actually responsive to having that behavior pointed out to him.  I'm sure if emotions were dysregulated at the time he wouldn't have heard me, but I just wanted to add a situation where a direct confrontation actually worked to both of our benefits.  Sometimes I believe they do not know how they are acting or coming across... .

Your thoughts?

I could see this working if it was said in a direct and firm way... .but not argumentative... .or not with a raised voice.

Especially if this is a different response than what you normally do.

Generally... .nons and pwBPD are stuck in the same dance... .over and over and over.  Shaking things up with a different response means that the dance has changed.  Hopefully for the better... .sometimes for the worse... .but it will change.

[waverider]

I told her that she is out of line and left the room. 

Be careful of direct fingering blame, that can trigger auto defense (attack). Better to say that you are not going to engage in angry debate, or similar. It is the situation you are avoiding not the person, and you are also explaining your action, with a simple statement.

Sometimes I think direct confrontation actually works... .I stated very blatantly, the other day, to my uBPDh that he was simply being mean to me... .This actually prompted a healthy response of, "I never want to be mean to you... .slap me if I'm mean to you!" (Of course not realistic... .of course I'm not going to slap him!   but he was actually responsive to having that behavior pointed out to him.  I'm sure if emotions were dysregulated at the time he wouldn't have heard me, but I just wanted to add a situation where a direct confrontation actually worked to both of our benefits.  Sometimes I believe they do not know how they are acting or coming across... .

Your thoughts?

Every situation and Rs dynamics are different. i will admit I sometimes use this direct approach too. But that is because time has shown that it can work from me.The problem is it can trigger a controlling and patronizing attitude in us.

This is something each individual needs to work out for themselves, but I would not recommend it as part of the initial learning curve of recommended technics. It is effectively cutting corners, and thats best left until you have improved your overall skill levels up.

[formflier]

 

Agreed with what waverider just said... .and the direct approach is one of the things that I will be minimizing in the future due to what I have learned over time in T with my uBPDw.

I'm a pretty direct military guy... .not passive aggressive... .just plain aggressive.  When I think I'm being "clear"... .it comes across as domineering.

So... .uBPDw has said as much... .I've had a couple Ts say as much... .and I sorta kinda maybe see it in myself... .

And the important part is that this makes my wife feel "small".  Then add in that I'm a big dude... .I'm over double her weight.  Think football lineman type.

She is a petite woman... .

This would trigger fear in her... .she could never "win" against me... .etc etc... .that builds up and then she gives a fear based response... .lashes out either passive aggressively at first... .or totally dysregulate and accuse me of some pretty entertaining things.

Anyway... .regardless of what she has or doesn't have (diagnosis or traits)... .this is something that I need to change.  Previously I had tried to dial it down... but what I thought was "normal" for home... .was still strong.

So... .it's now my goal to appear "meek and small"... .most likely that will come across as normal to her.  It feels weird... .but I think it is helping.

Summary:  Direct can sometimes work... .but make sure it is well thought through.  I'm very glad I didn't pick this as an approach I focused on.  Based on what I know now I think it would have made things worse.