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Topic: crazy stuff (Read 823 times)
OutOfEgypt
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crazy stuff
«
on:
July 19, 2014, 11:25:05 AM »
Every now and then, I get hit with a flashback about something I completely forgot about -some crazy event or some display of abnormal behavior. Sometimes it makes me shake my head and be glad I'm not in it anymore, and other times it just makes me laugh -like "are you kidding me?"
I started this thread for myself and anyone who has little snippets to add as they remember bizarre and totally inappropriate behaviors from their BPD ex.
This morning, as I was taking a walk, I made room for some people coming the other direction on the trail I was on. It immediately reminded me of the time my ex and I went away together. We were on our way home and were waiting in a pretty busy airport. As we were walking from one terminal to another, there were lots of people. She decided that since "nobody cares" and gets out of the way when she is walking, then she shouldn't bother doing that for anybody else, either. What followed was a combination of frightening and totally embarassing, as I trailed behind her. She carried her bag (while I carried like four), and I followed her as she literally slammed into people with her shoulders as she walked through the crowds of people at high speeds. One lady she practically spun around as she slammed into her with her shoulder. I was mortified -somewhere between wanting to apologize for her and wanting to run and hide.
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gtrhr
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #1 on:
July 19, 2014, 12:49:20 PM »
I had considered writing a book of these at one point.
A couple of years ago we did a weekend trip, stayed in a nice hotel and went on a day hike on the Appalachian trail to a really beautiful scenic spot where you could see literally for miles and miles in almost 270 degrees. Everything about our day was awesome and we were having a great experience together. That evening I wanted to take her to my favorite restaurant in the city we were visiting. While we were walking to the restaurant a lady on the street was begging for some change. My ex and I were in the middle of conversation and it was a little bit rude and startling, so I kind of just said, "sorry, no" and we kept on. I didn't ignore her and I really make it a point to try and be polite and kind to everyone.
She started on about how I should have given this woman some money and carry on the goodwill we were feeling from the day. She kept on like this for the next hour or two basically ruining our dinner and our entire weekend. She kept bringing it up. Back then I was good about keeping my cool with her and tried to explain why I typically wouldn't give money on the streets etc. She started on about how it reflects on my character and she was thinking I'm not generous. She started deconstructing our relationship based on this one incident and attacking my character. It was surreal all of these things that she said, as I've volunteered my time doing Habitat and other worthy causes and tried to explain that and impart these ideas on her. I also have concerns about what the money might be used for and I'd rather give in a different way. Nothing I said got a response. She just kept on about it until she gave the silent treatment. She acted withdrawn and sullen, making remarks and generally ruining a grand day. She was so standoffish and just completely changed from when we were laying on the rocks together earlier in the day. I tried to make the best of it but that really killed the rest of our weekend. One thing for sure, I was always trying to make keep things positive in the face of a lot of unwarranted negativity.
I look at all of the incidents like that and have a really tough time comprehending what is wrong with her that she could really sabotage things for herself like that.
I took it personally at the time. But now I know it wasn't me that was the issue.
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eagle755
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #2 on:
July 19, 2014, 12:51:01 PM »
I came on here just now to read about everyone's stuff to help me feel better. Because I literally am having a couple of those moments.
At first I got the random thought "maybe she really wasn't BPD" followed by more thoughts.(she wasn't diagnosed, but from everything that happened, its impossible not to be BPD)
And now I'm thinking about the horrible things like the inconsiderate lack of empathy or care for other people. She would never tip people, waiters, waitresses, delivery drivers(I work for tips myself and understand what its like, and always tip) and be completely rude to them, and I always called her out on it for being a horrible person, but she didn't care, so much selfishness. Or one time I cut basically half of my finger off at work, bleeding everywhere. She came to work, and instead of caring to my wound, she sat across from me, and didn't even give one look or care to my hand, she instead brought something unimportant up and starting arguing with me. Another time, my closest family member was in her death bed, and I was holding her hand bawling, just a few hours before she passed, and my ex with BPD decided to instead comfort me, but to draw attention to herself, scream, argue, and then ignore me.
So many things that should of made me leave, so much more than even that, but I'd be here all day if I typed it all out.
Yet we still for some reason, somehow, in some way miss something about them.
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Aussie JJ
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #3 on:
July 19, 2014, 01:08:53 PM »
I remember early on, one of the first things about her when I introduced her to my family. Had her around for dinner and I was so proud of 'us'.
While in conversation I look back now and she agreed with everything that was said, my mother like quilting, she liked quilting too! My father enjoys sailing, she had always wanted to go sailing! My brother has anxiety issues, she has them too and she was so understanding. My brother opened up, he has bi-polar, she said she had bi-polar too! Compared medications and all... .
I look back now and it was too perfect. My brother picked up on her BPD within a couple days or weeks. I wish he had told me but I wouldn't have listened. He is a moderator on the psyc forums for the bi-polar forum and was able to pick up instantly on the BPD, he subtly told me she didn't have bi-polar and left it at that.
Why oh why didn't he tell me straight out ! His response and I understand it, anxiety, he was ___ scared of her.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #4 on:
July 19, 2014, 01:09:04 PM »
I remember one time we were visiting a friend-couple. I was having back problems at the time (like, I had just thrown out my back and was recovering), and we were getting up to leave, and I couldn't stand up straght as I got up out of my big fluffy chair. I had a shooting pain down my back like it was "stuck" and I held onto another chair to stabilize and pull myself up as I winced in pain. My wife did nothing. She just looked at me unsympathetically, almost like she was bothered because she was ready to leave and I was slowing her down. The wife in the couple saw it and exclaimed my wife's name aloud, in a shocked/scolding tone. She couldn't believe the complete lack of care my wife had for a person she claimed to love. Makes a guy feel great.
I remember a few other times where she told me that if I ever had an accident, and wound up in a wheelchair for example, and couldn't have sex with her that she would still love me but unfortunately have to leave me because I woulnd't be able to put out. I remember questioning her about it some time later, during a positive phase in a recycle, and she claimed she was "only joking" those other times. But she wasn't. She absolutely was not joking.
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Aussie JJ
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #5 on:
July 19, 2014, 01:16:12 PM »
Oh Egypt, that story is so powerful. I didn't go to my favourite little Italian place for 2 years as she didn't like it. Thing is I took her to one of our first dates there. She loved it then and wanted to go back so much at the start! I remember her having a blow up their directed at the 60+ year old guy that runs It and I was embarrassed to go back with her... .
*SIGH*
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myself
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #6 on:
July 19, 2014, 01:31:55 PM »
We went out, had a nice romantic dinner, everything seemed to be fine. When I didn't respond "enthusiastically" to a song on the radio she liked, she stopped the car in the middle of a busy street and kicked me out. Yelling, name calling, angry intensity. While walking the last mile or so, she circled back to yell at me some more. At first denying she'd even said I had to walk, then admitted it, saying I deserved worse and speeding away. When I got home she was packing to move out again. Over a song?
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Infared
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #7 on:
July 19, 2014, 01:42:22 PM »
I have told this here before... but I still cannot believe it happened.
It was well more than a year after my ex had run off with new hero from our 5-year live-in relationship. Lying to me of course. I worked at and accomplished separating with love, respect and dignity for both parties, her parents (who I loved and they loved me)... .etc. It was real work for me... .I really sought higher ground, and it was all I had in the end. Me and my behavior. Big stuff.
Her... lying to everyone, painting me black... you all know the story... .
So... .fast forward... .I am on a date (big thing for me... .not a first date, but early in... )... .anyway... .my date is following me in her car... .we are on our way somewhere else, but just stopping into Boston Market in a local shopping center for a quick bite as we are running a little late. I am no where near where me or my ex live. I am on a four lane highway, right lane, first in line stopped at a red light... .date directly behind me... .I wave in mirror... .then I notice it... .I can almost feel or sense the spawn. (LOL)... .I turn to my left, and there is my ex, sitting in her car, with the dome light on, leaning across the passenger seat in a pose, not looking at me, but looking up and like out in front of me, striking the pose... .like "here is the candy... but you cannot have any". Yes. People REALLY behave this way. Now this is a woman in her mid thirties, mind you. Not a seventh grader. Of course she thinks I am alone and she is making me suffer... .Now, I believe in God ... .and so... .I am looking in my rearview mirror seeing my very pretty date smiling away, looking to my left and thinking ... .OK, God... .you are REALLY f'ing with me tonight? Now mind you... .I had done NO retaliation, or revenge or anything for ALL of the horror and hurt that was thrown upon me by this woman. None... .I quietly suffered and at that very moment, I still cannot tell you how I was so sure, I KNEW that she was headed to the same shopping center that we were. (and we had no history there and it was no where near the town that we live in). I was seriously connected to a power outside of myself that evening. So the light changes and off she speeds and of course cuts in front of me and I guess thinks I will follow her like a little puppy dog, as she is all-powerful in her mind... .
So... .I take this situation as a gift from the heavens... .yes... she is going EXACTLY to the little shopping center, she is even polite enough to signal before she turns in... .but she is not going to Boston Market... .it appears that she may be going to a shop a few doors down... .she parks and I park directly across the isle from her, and I am sure she is all full of herself and all off her power by getting me to chase her... .just reveling in her sick goo... .(pwBPD really are mentally ill)
My date parks a few cars down on her side away from the stores... .so that when she gets out of her car (did I mention how good-looking she was and very nicely dressed? LOL!), and I get out of mine and I direct myself so that we meet up right in front of my ex's windshield. I stick out my arm and my date slips hers in mine and we get close as it was cold outside and off we go. I have to revel in this, because it was the only time that I was involved in anything of this nature and I felt as though it was all set up and handed to me. No malice on my part. And based on the behavior at the stop light (did that REALLY happen? LOL)... she certainly was deserving, no? Now after reading all of the stories here... .I feel like I did one for all of us!
Apparently it was very effective, because when we came out of Boston Market to run off to our commitment, there was my ex's car, empty but with the dome light still burning strong!
It was the only time that I took some joy in upsetting someone. ... .but oh... .did she have it coming. LOL!
It did not stop the immature behavior on her part... she still performs it to this day in public places.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #8 on:
July 19, 2014, 01:59:36 PM »
myself, I know what you mean about how we could never do anything "enthusiastically enough" for them.
I'm putting together a photo album, and I'm realizing, as I'm looking through old pictures, how few and sparse are the number of photos with my kids that have ME in the photo with them. The reason why? Because I was always the one taking the photo. I was always berated for "not caring enough" and "needing to be told" to take a picture of my wife and her and the kids. She still pulls that out every now and then... .how I was such an awful and uncaring person that she constantly had to remind me to take pictures of her. HAHAHAHA. So flippin selfish! And the result? The photographic memories of our childrens' childhoods are littered with pictures of their mom but almost none of me.
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BuildingFromScratch
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #9 on:
July 19, 2014, 02:42:35 PM »
I think there was too much crazy stuff to count. But the worst was probably when she kept opening our door and letting racoons into our house until we got evicted. I tried to reason with her and force her. Nothing worked... .I went brain dead after that. Also, they just always seem to do the opposite of what others want them to do. I was cranky in the morning, I told her to try to leave me alone right when I get up. So she would always bother me in the morning. She even emotionally attacked me for gushing about how beautiful she was.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #10 on:
July 19, 2014, 02:45:37 PM »
Sounds about right!
Excerpt
Also, they just always seem to do the opposite of what others want them to do.
Yes. My wife would be pretty up-front about that. If she felt any "pressure" (which ultimately meant any expectations or wishes of her whatsoever), she would do the opposite and lash out at me for daring to want or expect anything.
She perceived it as trying to control her. She still hates boundaries, seeing them as rejection, being mean, or being controlling of her.
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OutOfEgypt
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #11 on:
July 19, 2014, 02:54:19 PM »
Infared, your story is AWESOME! Haha. Love it
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Infared
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #12 on:
July 19, 2014, 04:32:38 PM »
Quote from: OutOfEgypt on July 19, 2014, 02:54:19 PM
Infared, your story is AWESOME! Haha. Love it
For all the pain I went thru it was a GIFT... .I am sure of it!
Thanks for reading!
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Alex86
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #13 on:
July 19, 2014, 05:46:03 PM »
Quote from: gtrhr on July 19, 2014, 12:49:20 PM
A couple of years ago we did a weekend trip, stayed in a nice hotel and went on a day hike on the Appalachian trail to a really beautiful scenic spot where you could see literally for miles and miles in almost 270 degrees. Everything about our day was awesome and we were having a great experience together. That evening I wanted to take her to my favorite restaurant in the city we were visiting. While we were walking to the restaurant a lady on the street was begging for some change. My ex and I were in the middle of conversation and it was a little bit rude and startling, so I kind of just said, "sorry, no" and we kept on. I didn't ignore her and I really make it a point to try and be polite and kind to everyone.
She started on about how I should have given this woman some money and carry on the goodwill we were feeling from the day. She kept on like this for the next hour or two basically ruining our dinner and our entire weekend. She kept bringing it up. Back then I was good about keeping my cool with her and tried to explain why I typically wouldn't give money on the streets etc. She started on about how it reflects on my character and she was thinking I'm not generous. She started deconstructing our relationship based on this one incident and attacking my character. It was surreal all of these things that she said, as I've volunteered my time doing Habitat and other worthy causes and tried to explain that and impart these ideas on her. I also have concerns about what the money might be used for and I'd rather give in a different way. Nothing I said got a response. She just kept on about it until she gave the silent treatment. She acted withdrawn and sullen, making remarks and generally ruining a grand day. She was so standoffish and just completely changed from when we were laying on the rocks together earlier in the day. I tried to make the best of it but that really killed the rest of our weekend. One thing for sure, I was always trying to make keep things positive in the face of a lot of unwarranted negativity.
I look at all of the incidents like that and have a really tough time comprehending what is wrong with her that she could really sabotage things for herself like that.
I took it personally at the time. But now I know it wasn't me that was the issue.
I really can't believe how similar our stories are. I had almost the same incident when I refused to give money to someone during our walk on the street. Or when I requested a small amount of money I had given to her back because I really needed it at that time since I was in a bad financial situation. Her criticism was I wasn't generous enough and started lecturing that giving money shows you have "big" feelings. She concluded that was I didn't love her enough because I asked for that amount. So there was no point in keeping the r/s.
During our last conversation I was "reminded" of that incident and that she had made her to lose faith, trust etc in our r/s. I tried to tell her that money don't show the love to someone and there is no relation between the two. But with no luck. I couldn't be forgiven.
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gtrhr
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #14 on:
July 23, 2014, 10:25:00 AM »
Today I got out an old notebook to look at something I had written down in late 2011. "Just remember she can never be trusted." In my papers I first got the idea she had something like borderline, histrionic, or bi-polar disorder. So there were a couple of crazy incidents I had written down. I call one of them "The Halloween Candy Incident" The other one was the "Pumpkin Carving Incident."
For the candy incident, it was not quite yet Halloween however my ex gf's mom lived at the house and she got down some candy and set it out on the table. I was in the other room doing something else at the time, reading the newspaper or so. My ex gf was around but also doing something else in another room. In the meantime the kids each went on their own and got a piece of candy. Their grandmother doesn't speak English, but she got out the candy for them. I joined in and went and got a lollipop, and I saw the kids each had gotten one piece of candy to eat. It was around 9 o'clock and I am not sure any of us had eaten dinner yet.
Several minutes later she storms into the room saying at the top of her lungs, "(my name) What are you doing?" She sounded hysterical. To be honest I had no idea what she was talking about. She lit into me that the kids should not have candy, and started in on why I had allowed them to have it etc etc. She scolded I'm not a responsible parent for them, and I don't understand the responsibilities involved in raising kids. And that I was a bad influence on them for eating the lollipop. Well, actually this big kid was the last person to grab a piece of candy, and I didn't see the harm in each of them having one either. It was purely innocent. Dinner or not. She went off about how they had not eaten dinner. My ex gf likes to think of herself as the hallmark of efficiency and is always impatient if you are holding her up. Meanwhile, the reason we had not eaten dinner yet was purely because the world revolves around her timeframe, and she is the cause of endless delays.
She wouldn't let this go. Back when this incident occurred was a time when I was very calm and centered but stood my ground firmly, realizing it's better not to escalate an argument. I told her if she continued to try and escalate things I'd be forced to leave and go home. She told me if I did to never come back.
You know it's in those moments I really feel I should have gone and done no contact them for good. She knew she had my love, but clearly didn't have a real sincere love for me. It would have preserved my personal integrity a great deal more.
The other story was one afternoon she wanted me to help her daughter carve a pumpkin. Well it was just so sweet, she was such a cute girl and she wanted to do her own design. My ex gf was tired and wanted to take a nap so she wasn't around to supervise. We had a kit that also had designs but her daughter drew one up and wanted to use it. It was cute but nothing elaborate. So anyhow I helped her transfer the design and helped her clean out the pumpkin and carve it. He mom comes down and immediately starts lighting into us about how bad it looks. She asks me did I "give the final design approval." She and I both have engineering backgrounds so I thought it was hilarious that I'm being called to task like I'm a project manager and she's dressing me down as the product manager. Well my ex gf started telling her own mother, in Chinese how it didn't look nearly as good as the ones they carved in another city and the daughter started to translate some of this to me. The mom kept giving us both the business. Finally the girl says, "Mom leave us alone, he's nice and we're having fun!" Truer words had never been spoken! The pumpkin looked fine. I made the eyes bigger and it was all good.
Any time people were experiencing happiness and joy, relaxing and having fun, she could come and rain on their parade and everyone felt miserable. She asked me recently if I could relax around her. I had to tell her no, impossible. Her idea of perfection doesn't match anyone elses.
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MommaBear
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #15 on:
July 23, 2014, 11:18:26 AM »
WOW these stories are hilarious! gtrhr, love the "pumpkin design approval" story! And Infared, I do love it when things all come together so brilliantly like that. Your story made me smile for a good 2 minutes!
Out of Egypt, my ex would do the same thing. He'd smash into people, get impatient, and expect everyone to just move out of his way, because, you know, he was so damn special.
He even did this with his car and almost hit 2 pedestrians. 2 old ladies, who had to RUN to avoid being hit.
They tracked him down on the street and started shouting at him. He kept insisting they were "far enough" from the car and had over-reacted. When I called him out on it, he insisted that my depth perception was off. Mine and theirs. Gaslighting 101, ladies and gentlemen.
This was a guy who couldn't get Ikea furniture or a sofa into the house because he had no skills in depth perception or spatial orientation - something I excel at.
I have at least a million of these crazy stories. The most recent one, said with such passion, conviction, and a genuine air of victimhood:
"If you hadn't wasted your time in graduate school and got a better job instead, I could be driving a nicer car right now!"
I actually stood there and said, "Are you even listening to yourself right now? So, I'm supposed to scrap my lifelong dream so you can drive a freakin' Mercedes? Do you even HEAR this nonsense?"
And this was AFTER I left him.
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ScotisGone74
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #16 on:
July 23, 2014, 11:52:39 AM »
This is a great thread... .Lol. Looking back there's too many to count. But the coup dugrais
Had to be when we went and saw a movie late at night at a new IMax theater , we both laughed , joked, hugged, kissed, talked , then went to dinner , then on the way home she decides she wants donut holes for the next day. So we stop at an all night donut shop and I come back to the car with a few of them for her. She opens the box , looks in it and picks one out and throws it at me yelling ' if you really loved me you would have got me thirteen!'. I try to reason with her, I'm stupid enough to go back in the store to get some more to make it thirteen. I come back out to the car and tell her now here you go. She continues to complain saying I should have known to get thirteen the first time. At this point I've had enough, I get out of the car and head for a store I can call a cab at this time its about 2 am. She's yelling for me to get back in the car. At this point teenagers at this store are watching us argue. I reluctantly get back in the car after she has followed me for a block. She later says it was partly due to the fact that I hadn't gotten her an engagement ring yet.
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Aussie JJ
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #17 on:
July 23, 2014, 03:15:52 PM »
Hahaha
I had something SOO the same. Blends in every element, gaslighting, devaluation etc.
Mine loves crafty things, fancy cheese all that bollocks. Also loved her 'full bodied red wines'. I remember tempermerellos ? Like a spanish wine she used to 'love'.
When working in the city I remember rushing down on my lunch break to a food and wine festival to buy her a bottle of wine for dinner. I went, got two bottles of wine one from a winery that I enjoy and another an award winning tempermerillo. Anyway her bottle was like $60? Mine was around $20.
That night I remember sneaking them in and hiding them to make something the next day. She found said bottles of wine. Drank the nice one for herself and used my wine to make a bloody spag bol... .
I was so pissed about it. I look back now and her version of events was I told her she could use my bottle of wine and she didn't think the bottle I bought her was that good I should let her pick in the future.
I accepted that for ages and that was early in the relationship... .
Oh dear, we say that they are crazy but we put up with it people!
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.cup.car
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #18 on:
July 23, 2014, 08:59:40 PM »
I can't say I get flashbacks to certain events; instead it's like a highlight reel of everything.
She constantly told fictional abuse stories - totally unprovoked and usually her dad was the culprit. When she started these, you couldn't get her to stop. I didn't find out until after we split that these were all entirely made up, but I never fully bought into them at the time, either.
She also cried at the drop of a hat. One night in particular we were listening to some techno/reggae radio station on her phone using an app, and by chance it lagged out. What proceeded were the longest fifteen seconds of my life. I didn't know what to do.
After the split, my buddy and I ended up catfishing her - not intentionally, but she fell the hardest for the fake profile and it was like
"well, why the heck not?"
She stormed out of the coffee shop when she saw my buddy and I, only to call a few minutes later wanting me to come to a pub with her because she was lonely. Really had no desire to get jumped or watch her hit on other dudes/girls/both. Ended up talking in an empty parking lot at 2am. Knew she was really struggling whereas I was doing pretty well financially and offered her the chance to apologize and give her a place to stay because I felt bad. She ended up cussing me out and accusing me of a bunch of stuff I never did. RCMP officer rolled up on us (
couple arguing in parking lot at 2am) and laughed at her when I caught her in a lie and she tried to backpedal. Spent the rest of the conversation defusing her false accusations with the statement "how would you even have that opinion of to begin with if according to you, we never dated?" Challenged her to hit me if she hated me as much as she said she did and this absolutely broke her - you could tell she wanted to apologize but her disorder held her back. Eventually she took a swing at me and ran off when I called her a few names; the only time I've ever done so since we first met.
That classifies as crazy, right?
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neverloveagain
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 227
Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #19 on:
July 23, 2014, 10:17:10 PM »
Heres a quick little one while she was in the devalue stage while walking her dog in the park she asked me what i had done with her favourite t shirt, one i didnt like i admit, she asked why i burnt it? I laughed at the time i said why would you think i would do that then silence now i dont laugh she was being serious and believed her own thoughts to be true facts
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Emelie Emelie
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Posts: 665
Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #20 on:
July 23, 2014, 10:42:27 PM »
Where do I begin?
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gtrhr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 111
Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #21 on:
July 24, 2014, 12:00:56 AM »
The Silk Incident
Saturday night I had taken her and her daughter to see my guitar teacher play with his band downtown at an outdoor show. We had a really nice time.
The next morning she was not feeling good so I told her to sleep in and I would go shower and could start helping the kids get ready, make breakfast etc. Well she was up and fixing breakfast by the time I got downstairs and busy in the middle of cooking. I just shook my head, I kind of expected this. I poured myself a glass of Silk, drank it, poured another one and asked her was there anything I could do to help. So I started to help, and her daughter liked to help too and she said, "Oh, I wanted to do that." So I let her, and then asked if there was anything else she needed me to do. No... . So I sat down and had gotten an email on my phone from guitar teacher and was telling her about it. Then she said, oh tell him we enjoyed it! And I wrote him back. Breakfast was pretty much almost finished by then, and as I was sitting at the bar she told me to please go sit at the table and so I obliged and took my drink over to sit down. A few minutes later she asked me did I want something to drink? I said, oh, "no thanks I already have a glass of Silk.
She started screaming and yelling at me really angrily saying I had not offered to pour her or her daughter one when I'd gotten mine! (They were in the middle of cooking) I actually tried to apologize to her and kept my cool. I offered to let her sit down now and I'd serve breakfast and get her whatever she wanted to drink. By then in our relationship I knew it pointless to react much to her tirades. Then she starts going on and on about it. She says she "feels like a slave." She started being really rude and condescending saying not to get up and get her a drink now as it "wasn't special." She said to sit down and they would "wait on me." I said, oh no, I don't need anyone to wait on me, really.
Eventually I told her if she wouldn't be reasonable and listen to what I had to say I was going to go home. And so I did. It wasn't punishment for her. It was punishment for me. She refused to discuss with me or talk on the phone at all later that day. Rude phone games were her favorite.
Around one year later after she was in individual counseling, and during a time where I refused to allow her to contact me, I told her if she wanted to be in touch with me she had to write me some letters and answer to some of the things she had done in the relationship. Amazingly enough, she wrote a very thoughtful acknowledgment that she was 100% responsible for that incident and had no reason to yell at me after I had taken them out for a nice time the night before and offered to help out, and was just doing the things she asked me to do that morning. She even made statements to the effect it's not how people deserve to be treated in loving relationships. It was a huge breakthrough to hear that.
Sadly that way of thinking was short lived. She wrote me three apology letters and at the time I was glad to have them. More than she realized, acknowledging a few of those incidents really validated much of what I felt about the entire relationship the way she treated me. There was lots of Crazy, and most of it was really without just cause!
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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #22 on:
July 24, 2014, 12:24:00 AM »
Quote from: Alex86 on July 19, 2014, 05:46:03 PM
Quote from: gtrhr on July 19, 2014, 12:49:20 PM
A couple of years ago we did a weekend trip, stayed in a nice hotel and went on a day hike on the Appalachian trail to a really beautiful scenic spot where you could see literally for miles and miles in almost 270 degrees. Everything about our day was awesome and we were having a great experience together. That evening I wanted to take her to my favorite restaurant in the city we were visiting. While we were walking to the restaurant a lady on the street was begging for some change. My ex and I were in the middle of conversation and it was a little bit rude and startling, so I kind of just said, "sorry, no" and we kept on. I didn't ignore her and I really make it a point to try and be polite and kind to everyone.
She started on about how I should have given this woman some money and carry on the goodwill we were feeling from the day. She kept on like this for the next hour or two basically ruining our dinner and our entire weekend. She kept bringing it up. Back then I was good about keeping my cool with her and tried to explain why I typically wouldn't give money on the streets etc. She started on about how it reflects on my character and she was thinking I'm not generous. She started deconstructing our relationship based on this one incident and attacking my character. It was surreal all of these things that she said, as I've volunteered my time doing Habitat and other worthy causes and tried to explain that and impart these ideas on her. I also have concerns about what the money might be used for and I'd rather give in a different way. Nothing I said got a response. She just kept on about it until she gave the silent treatment. She acted withdrawn and sullen, making remarks and generally ruining a grand day. She was so standoffish and just completely changed from when we were laying on the rocks together earlier in the day. I tried to make the best of it but that really killed the rest of our weekend. One thing for sure, I was always trying to make keep things positive in the face of a lot of unwarranted negativity.
I look at all of the incidents like that and have a really tough time comprehending what is wrong with her that she could really sabotage things for herself like that.
I took it personally at the time. But now I know it wasn't me that was the issue.
I really can't believe how similar our stories are. I had almost the same incident when I refused to give money to someone during our walk on the street. Or when I requested a small amount of money I had given to her back because I really needed it at that time since I was in a bad financial situation. Her criticism was I wasn't generous enough and started lecturing that giving money shows you have "big" feelings. She concluded that was I didn't love her enough because I asked for that amount. So there was no point in keeping the r/s.
During our last conversation I was "reminded" of that incident and that she had made her to lose faith, trust etc in our r/s. I tried to tell her that money don't show the love to someone and there is no relation between the two. But with no luck. I couldn't be forgiven.
Different tack on an explanation here. Early on during idealization stage, my ex asked me to describe a previous gf from 10 plus years before. I said my previous ex was nuts. (also BPD, but I didn't know BPD then). My ex split and raged. I asked why she was so upset, and she eventually managed to say that she feared that one day I would say the same thing about her, which I incorrectly said would never happen.
She also got mad at me a few times after interactions with some other Disordered people we encountered, such as the one you describe above.
I now think she was triggered because somewhere she recognized herself in those people.
Look closely at a lot of the homeless. They suffer from BPD. If you give a bag lady five dollars and smile at her, she will reflect that smile and mirror all the perceived goodness back to you in a very loving manner. But then tell that same bag lady that she needs to take a bath and comb her hair, and in an instant she will turn on you with pure rage and vitriolic hatred.
Sound familiar?
Next time you have the chance, interact a bit with the homeless, and I'll bet my house that you'll see and feel your exes in them.
My ex could recognize her disorder in the behavior of others and that realization rightly terrified her. Sadly, the Disorder exists to deny itself. And therefore, she was not able to process this information into any productive changes or growth. She would have been better off not even knowing she was Disordered. Because all she can do is suffer.
The Disorder is a B___.
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MommaBear
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 162
Re: crazy stuff
«
Reply #23 on:
July 24, 2014, 05:49:10 AM »
More memories are coming back!
The pudding episode:
One day, I asked him to get me a pudding from the fridge, since he was already up and getting something for himself. This, quite literally, would have taken 30 seconds to reach for a pudding cup, toss it in my direction, and bring a spoon over. Keep in mind, he was already in the fridge looking for something for himself.
He then turns on me like a raving maniac and says, "What am I? Your slave?" He then goes on and on, yelling about how I have no respect for him, how I'm lazy and can't do anything myself. I called him out on it, told him to look at himself, foaming at the mouth over a pudding when he was already in the fridge, and that it had NOTHING to do with respect. I rarely let him get away with those kinds of things, but of course the argument would escalate and I'd usually leave the house crying in my car, or messed up for days and weeks afterward.
He'd always win, even if he was wrong.
The 20 Blocks in the Rain Incident:
During his affair, he would drive this little airhead to her classes at the university from work, as an excuse to be alone with her. He loved her, couldn't do enough for her, but if I were drowning, the best I could expect him to get me was a glass of water.
Anyway, I was training some corporate accounts and was downtown one day, when there was a massive rainstorm. Thunder, lightning, the works. I called him and asked him to come and pick me up because I didn't have my car with me at the time.
He kept calling my cell phone giving me street intersections, further and further away from where I was. He said he was "too tired" to drive ALL THE WAY to my location, and that I'd have to walk a few blocks to meet him at some halfway point.
I explained, calmly, that this defeated the purpose of having him pick me up. I also explained that I had no umbrella (not that it would have made a difference in that particular storm), and that he was in a nice dry car DRIVING, while he expected me to walk in the rain. I think I said something to the effect of "So, putting your foot on a pedal is too exhausting, but I'm supposed to get drenched and walk 20 blocks to save you from that agony? Do you even hear yourself? And what about your little bimbo? You drive her all over the place. I'm your WIFE! You want to re-think this suggestion of yours for a minute?"
Of course, this would inevitably lead to another argument in which all my logic and reasoning were invalidated and nothing I said or did mattered. Another few weeks, crying alone in my car, dreaming of a better man somewhere, anywhere.
I think I could have thrown a dart at the phone book an found a "better" man. He set the bar so low, I think anyone could have cleared it effortlessly.
I could name several incidents, but reading these have reminded me of so many I wouldn't know where to start. So often I wouldn't get mad, but just point out the failed logic of his insanity, which would inevitably escalate the argument, or, if he couldn't refute my logic (with his crazy), then the "accidents" would start. Oops, I accidentally shoved you. Oops! I knocked you to the floor, your fault for being in my way. Oops, did I spill a hot drink all over you? Clumsy me. Oops, I kicked you in the shins, didn't see you there.
I could never, EVER win.
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