Fear and Failure

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board!

Fear - of letting go of staying the same - equally painful and scary.  Detaching requires change, we have to change or be changed - but change will occur.

One of my favorite movies is The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - if you have not seen it, worth the time.

This quote, sums up the process for me of moving through the fear of detaching and moving on.  Was this relationship a failure or did we try our best?  Isn't failure more about not trying, not risking, not loving?

From the movie:

The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. As we always must. We came here, and we tried. All of us, in our different ways. Can we be blamed for feeling we're too old to change? Too scared of disappointment to start it all again? We get up every morning, we do our best. Nothing else matters.

But it's also true that the person who risks nothing, does nothing; has nothing. All we know about the future is that it will be different. But, perhaps what we fear is that it will be the same. So, we must celebrate the changes. Because, as someone once said "Everything will be all right in the end. And if it's not all right, then trust me, it's not yet the end."

What about your life right now do you FEAR changing?  Is it that it will change or is it that you are afraid it will be more of the same?

Peace,

SB

[Emelie Emelie]

Right now I'm afraid it will be the same.  That I will be missing him and yearning for him long after he's forgotten I exist.  Pathetic, yes?

[neverloveagain]

You dont feel it now but you are truely free from there toxic bonds. It takes time and strength to see through the mist. You will get there i know how hard the down time is but you are free to make your own life now enjoy being single do what makes you happy. Enjoy a moment on your own peace will come. Look after your needs 

[seeking balance]

Right now I'm afraid it will be the same.  That I will be missing him and yearning for him long after he's forgotten I exist.  Pathetic, yes?

Not pathetic, honest 

I didn't talk about it much, but I prayed to stop loving my ex for a very long time.

So, you get up every day and do your best - are you doing the things you can to move your life forward even when you don't feel like it?

[Aussie JJ]

I fear going to court and dealing with her bull___.  I fear hurting her by making her face the facts.  I fear her breaking down or not being their for our son.  I fear her father who is a truelly evil man.  I fear myself as I no longer am willing to be passive with these issues.  

I fear that I wont be able to have a big enough I influence on my sons life and I will fail him.  I fear my son will grow up in her toxic dynamic and not know anything else.  

All this and more.  

[seeking balance]

It takes time and strength to see through the mist.

Wise words

What things did you do even though you didn't feel like doing them to start moving forward in your life?

[seeking balance]

I fear going to court and dealing with her bull.  I fear hurting her by making her face the facts.  I fear her breaking down or not being their for our son.  I fear her father who is a truelly evil man.  I fear myself as I no longer am willing to be passive with these issues.  

I fear that I wont be able to have a big enough I influence on my sons life and I will fail him.  I fear my son will grow up in her toxic dynamic and not know anything else.  

All this and more.  

All these fears Aussie - custody and court, this is really hard stuff.

In the here and now; day in/day out - how or what are you doing ... .the little things, to help with these fears?

FEAR - False, Expectations, Appearing, Real

How much of what you fear is in the now?  The future will happen - and many times it looks much different than we project.

[Aussie JJ]

Here and now, I am fixing one thing at a time in my home life.  Cleaning the dishes every day.  Vaccuming fixing tiles.  Doing the gardening.  There is a certain peace from having control over the small things.  It is nice to have them all tied up and know that if it gets messed up that is in my control. 

I'm writting like a crazy man in my journals so that I get it all OUT of my head.  I don't think it will ever be of use to me other than to get it all out.  I have to deal with this woman for 15 and a half more years.  ARGH!

Im also starting to see some serious N traits in here.  Mostly BPD but the N is their as well.  What a screwy combo. 

Now, onto the things I can control!

[seeking balance]

Here and now, I am fixing one thing at a time in my home life.  Cleaning the dishes every day.  Vaccuming fixing tiles.  Doing the gardening.  There is a certain peace from having control over the small things.  It is nice to have them all tied up and know that if it gets messed up that is in my control. 

Wise man - it is in doing the little things that we rebuild our ability to trust. Gosh, I can so relate to this - and you are right it is about having control over something.

Focusing small helped me keep the FEAR under control - most things didn't turn out or feel the way I expected them too.  Especially the court stuff.

We really do "get up every day and do our best" - that is all we can do.

[Aussie JJ]

For me a real fear is through court all of the accusations basically will make it so a cordial relationship is unreachable.  I care for this person and to bring everything out is like slapping someone in the face. 

My inadequacies I am trying so hard to explore.  Having them told to me doesn't help me.  With court it isn't a pleasant process.  I don't want to hurt her.  Call me stupid or call me naive.   I just want a resolution that is fair and respectful.  I wont get that by taking the moral high ground. 

If I could say, lets face our issues openly agree to get these issues resolved and move on that would be perfect.  The world isn't perfect.  All of us are dealing with people that are essentially fruit bats.  How do you deal with a fruit bat in a logical adult manner. 

I really fear hurting both of our relationships with our son.  He deserves supportive parents not argumentative children.  My real fear is hurting him. 

[FigureIt]

I am afraid of my uBPDbf reaction when I end and make the move.  His threats were to "destroy me."  (Not physically afraid), but I believe he will make living together and emotional hell.

[amigo]

I fear that I will not be strong enough to resist him, when/if he contacts me again, and I fear the resulting recycle/abuse.

I fear that I will waver in my resolve to not contact him and that I will crawl back to him and that he will treat me with the icy cruelty which he is so good at.

At the same time I fear that I will never hear from him again and that I will never have any resolution.

I fear that I will not be able to erase his number and e-mail and go or stay N/C. But I also fear that if I will be able to stay N/C it will prompt him to show me an even worse and more violent side of him.

I fear (much less than the other things) that he is right, that I am not that desireable anymore, that I will never find a loving, longterm partner, that I might end up a lonely old cat lady one day.

[Aussie JJ]

Amigo

I fear that you are incorrect!  I fear you will grow from this and look back on  this post and laugh at the place where you used to be.  I fear that now that you are examining these faults and yourself you will make a change for the better and grow from this experience. 

The same as some of my fears about myself.  I fear you will laugh at my post and call me silly for proposing such a thing!

[corraline]

I fear that everything negative he said about me was true.  That I am a bad person and that i will just run into the same problems over and over again.

I understand that because i hold this fear that i have work to do on myself and the beliefs I have . I am looking at this and reading alot and doing alot of self reflection, working with a therapist and doing my best to change the story.

[amigo]

Hey Aussie JJ,

Thank you for making me smile You are right, one day (soon!) we will look back at these entries, or maybe just remember them, because we will be so removed from BPD, that we cannot be bothered looking at these entries anymore, and we will laugh - with relief. Or just be completely amazed at how far we have come.

I understand your worry about your son. But he has a great, insightful, loving and kind dad. He will be alright!

[Hopeless777]

I fear that she will never get the help that she needs and will travel the rest of her days from caregiver to caregiver, never healing, always abandoned. I can no longer be that caregiver after 28 years. Married 27 years, separated nearly 2 months, NC nearly 3 weeks, she's now pushed everybody away and is lost, and probably doesn't know it/admit it. BPD is cruel and I can no longer allow myself to be invisible. It is time for me to reappear and grow into who I should have been years ago. Maybe now is simply the right time and before wasn't. I don't know, but even though the legal stuff is daunting, the lack of near daily rages and violence has stopped. I now have peace. May each of us achieve this now and in the future.

[neverloveagain]

Hey seeking balance sounds stupid but just getting up and facing the day and functioning without her for the first month was the best i could do. Im not one for the gym but a good exercise plan helped me, take care of yourself i slipped on booze and meds for me, those fixes only made me worse, i love the freedom i have now to do what i want when i want with no fear of the backlash i can meet new people do new things and fufill any dreams i wish to create. You might be alone but take the power back from just that live good live clean good things will come your way. 

[myself]

I feel I did my best, and didn't fail, but the r/s didn't survive.

As bad as it was, there were great times, too.

I fear it'll never be as great again.

I'm going to keep some of those good memories.

Which is fine, but also ties me to the past.

Comparing today's good memories with 'back then'.

[seeking balance]

Hey seeking balance sounds stupid but just getting up and facing the day and functioning without her for the first month was the best i could do.

It doesn't sound stupid at all - I remember that same thing, honestly... .we do the best we can.

[seeking balance]

As bad as it was, there were great times, too.

I fear it'll never be as great again.

Myself, we have both been around a while, so my comment to you is for you not really what I would say to someone newer.

I sometimes wonder if that last piece truly ever goes away until we are in a new, committed relationship.  I mean, there really isn't another partnership until there is, indeed, another partnership.

[seeking balance]

I fear that she will never get the help that she needs and will travel the rest of her days from caregiver to caregiver, never healing, always abandoned. I can no longer be that caregiver after 28 years.

That really has to be sad Hopeless, honestly 

[seeking balance]

I understand that because i hold this fear that i have work to do on myself and the beliefs I have . I am looking at this and reading alot and doing alot of self reflection, working with a therapist and doing my best to change the story.

You really are doing it Corraline - your best is pretty big here 

[seeking balance]

I fear that I will not be strong enough to resist him, when/if he contacts me again, and I fear the resulting recycle/abuse.

I fear that I will waver in my resolve to not contact him and that I will crawl back to him and that he will treat me with the icy cruelty which he is so good at.

At the same time I fear that I will never hear from him again and that I will never have any resolution.

I fear that I will not be able to erase his number and e-mail and go or stay N/C. But I also fear that if I will be able to stay N/C it will prompt him to show me an even worse and more violent side of him.

I fear (much less than the other things) that he is right, that I am not that desireable anymore, that I will never find a loving, longterm partner, that I might end up a lonely old cat lady one day.

Amigo,

It is ok to have these fears, they are real for  you right now.  So, you get up each day and do your best - one day at a time.  It will not feel this way forever 

[myself]

I sometimes wonder if that last piece truly ever goes away until we are in a new, committed relationship.  I mean, there really isn't another partnership until there is, indeed, another partnership.

Thanks, and, yes. We'll see how it goes. It'll be different, that's for sure.

[topknot]

I fear that I will accidentally bump into him, in removing the end of us as a couple in my home.  He will give me that smile and that charm, and I will walk away feeling barren, empty, and incomplete again. I so, so hate that feeling. I don't want to look at him for that reason.

I also fear that I am not giving men I meet a full chance. I am trying to get out there, accepting invitations,  but I always compare them to him and come up short.  I fear that will never end, and he will always have the number one place in my heart, even after all he has done to me, and I won't ever be able to knock him off the pedestal.

[Blimblam]

I fear not being able to bounce back career wise after how badly things have fallen apart for me after this breakup and its implications on my future possiblities

[rosannadanna]

I fear the failure to never have a healthy, mutually loving and respectful romantic relationship and the potential feelings of hopelessness and dispair that will carry me into old age.

[seeking balance]

I fear the failure to never have a healthy, mutually loving and respectful romantic relationship and the potential feelings of hopelessness and dispair that will carry me into old age.

Rosannadanna, I think everyone fears this at different times of their lives.  This is not the BPD experience as much as being human - we are wired for connection.  

I fear not being able to bounce back career wise after how badly things have fallen apart for me after this breakup and its implications on my future possiblities

Perhaps there will be implications, but there is also going to be another path... .a new door.  There is always a new door... .

I fear that I will accidentally bump into him, in removing the end of us as a couple in my home.  He will give me that smile and that charm, and I will walk away feeling barren, empty, and incomplete again. I so, so hate that feeling. I don't want to look at him for that reason.

I felt that for a long time too.

The thing is, you have tools - the pain will pass much quicker, honestly.