She can never settle down

[Mike_confused]

This is a long thought, with a lot of background:  my (u?)BPD wife grew up as a military brat.   She moved around plenty as would be expected.   Her siblings never speak of a hometown.   Her family members have moved many times, never being satisfied nor content, in the process forcing themselves to work harder to pay for the next big thing.

My BPD wife speaks of one place she feels is home... .a long way from where we live... .she left there as a very young teen.   There is one person there she calls her friend, although the last time she saw this individual was over 20 years ago - for 15 minutes as the story goes.    I recently took her on vacation to this area.  She attempted to contact this friend - someone she speaks of as if she knows them intimately.  This friend never responded to my wife's multiple attempts to contact her.

As soon as we arrived home, my BPD wife tells me that she is moving to this place within 5 years.   I will not be in a position to leave, nor do I want to.   She says that place is her home although she has not lived there in 29 years, and left as a youngster.

She is obsessed with not having friends here.  She will consider people to be friends after having known them for a week.   She is constantly looking, searching, seeking and never satisfied nor content - both with her desires for a place to live and a career.   In the process she is making my life difficult and expensive.

We never discussed living in the area she says is her home.  This is new.   I suspect her mood will change - but to what next?   I draw the line at this current situation.

If she persists, I will have to cut her loose.  I'd rather not be put in that position.

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[Mike_confused]

Is this behavior common for someone with BPD?

[maxsterling]

Mike, yes, very common!

My fiancé was moved around as a child as a result of her dad's job, then her parents' divorce, then her mom going to jail.  She does have a city/area she calls "home" and sometimes talks about returning there.  Yet, she has been away from there for 5+ years, and even though she says she misses the place, there seems to be an internal conflict - she left for a reason, and that reason was she was not happy there.

On her own, she has lived for extended periods of time in 4 countries and had more apartments and jobs than there are weeks in the year.  And each time she thinks it was an attempt to "run away".  She still talks about moving here or there, sometimes random places.  I think it is the mindset, no matter where she is, that "here" is no good, and that life will be better "there".  It all boils down to that she is not comfortable anywhere, and once the newness of a place/job/boyfriend wears off, she feels uncomfortable and wants to move again.  It all boils down to not knowing who she is or what makes her happy in life. 

I wouldn't have an issue moving some place with her.  But if that were to happen, I would want us to move some place because we like it better, not because we dislike "here".  What I fear happening is me agreeing to move someplace with her, spending the money, severing ties to a place I find comfortable, and in 6 months things will be exactly the same.  She will have gotten hired and fired from another job, she will claim she has no good friends, and that she is bored.

[Mike_confused]

She knows nothing else but moving around.   I own the house my great-grand parents bought in the 1930's.  I raised my sons there - 5 generations so far.   She, and in all fairness no one in her large extended family, know what that is like.  I also have a lengthy career in progress with the prospect of an excellent retirement, assuming I persevere.   

She doesn't.