Letting themselves get ill out of spite

[kharma]

Whenever things appear to be going great in my life, I feel that my NMother lets herself get "ill". I can't really prove it but I honestly feel that when things are improving, financially and socially in my life, she neglects her health, as a way to gain control over or put obstacles in my way. Is this typical of Borderline/Narcs?

[Kwamina]

Hello kharma  

How have you been? I actually do believe this type of behavior is typical of a lot of BPD parents. It may not always go as far as actually neglecting their health, but they can also do it by faking 'illnesses'. I clearly remember one incident with my mother when I was 16 years old. I wanted to go somewhere with friends but she didn't want me to go because then she would be all alone. One of the things she did then to try and manipulate me into staying, was lie in bed all day and saying that I shouldn't go because I could clearly see that she's sick and accusing me of loving my friends more than I love her. She wasn't sick at all though, apart from them BPD that is  I went anyway but by behaving the way she did, she had already soured my mood so I didn't really enjoy the rest of the day. When I look at my own life and the years I lived with her, it seems that every time I was enjoying myself and/or having success at something, she would do or say things to sour my mood. This was one way she constantly was bringing me down and hurting my feelings and basically setting me up for failure by taking away my enjoyment of things and ruining what otherwise would have been very joyous experiences.

If I remember correctly, you lived in the same house as your mother and that only added to your stress. Do you still live with her now?

[Linda Maria]

Hi Kharma.  I think you're right - I hadn't thought about it before but one of the features of my uBPD sister's behaviour over the last 15 years or so has definitely been hypochondria.  I'm not sure if hers is timed to distract from other people's good stuff, or just the usual attention, drama seeking stuff, but there has been a lot of it over the years.  She hurt her foot ages ago, it was no big deal, but kept insisting she had broken something.  So I offered to take her to A&E to get it x-rayed but she wouldn't go.  She went to the local nurse at the doctor's surgery instead who couldn't help her if she didn't go for xrays, but managed to find her a plastic support boot to wear - bit like the ones you see people wear when they are on crutches.  She wore that for ages - to get attention.  She used to say she couldn't drive up to see us because of her foot - then I would hear she'd driven quite a distance somewhere else.  If she really had broken something it would have been foolish to drive and I told her this.  She'd moan about her foot one day, then be in high heels the next, dressed up to go somewhere!  Gotta laugh!  JB

[HappyChappy]

Is this typical of Borderline/Narcs?

Yes. BPD are competative, especially with their daughters. When I bough a new car, my BPD bought the same car (same colour). When we got some garden furniture, she got the same furniture, despite having no where to put it.