Thought I was getting better

[eagle755]

Hey everyone. It's been almost 3 months since my whole situation with my BPDex and us breaking up. I've been NC for about two weeks, lost track of the days. I was doing extremely well, positive outlook, things to look forward to, didn't wake up with anxiety anymore, been going surfing everyday and working out, looking really well. Yet, now I'm facing problems again. She's tried contacting me twice, yesturday and 2 days before that, once from her number saying "hi" then again from a textfree app, again saying "hi." I know these are just bait, and she wants to real me in again and have me as her little empathy toy. I didn't reply what so ever to them. We ended contact badly too, I sent her a big text explaining to her how much I simply do not want to hear from her ever again.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me now. Maybe it's a phase but I don't know. My positive attitude is still here, but now I have all these doubts and thoughts and anger building. I'm thinking about all of the "promises" and all of the lies and everything I was fed, and it's all starting to hit me again.

I just don't understand it. She was an extremely horrible girlfriend, and became very very abusive at the end, why is it still bothering me so?

The thoughts of thinking someone was so extremely loyal, and amazing, just over night, completely crushing my reality. Like, I thought she was so extremely loyal, she never once looked at another guy or said a guy was hot. Ever. Yet she sleeps with someone behind my back? An ugly guy at that?

It still just doesn't make any sense to me. Like, I understand their disorder and all. But are we not humans? Do they not posses rational thought or intelligence? Should they not be accountable for their actions? Are they incapable of understanding right and wrong?

Just so much going through my head now, and I had to vent it out somehow, to people that know what it's like.

[Blimblam]

That's the nature of trauma bonding.  

It makes it so hard to let go of.  

I was so mad because I could remember how I thought before I made my ex a bunch of promises and after and my whole world changed.

Be gentle with yourself.  

One of the hardest things I had to accept is that it is what it is.  

It is so hard to accept defeat and surrender to feeling like complete crap but there is comfort there.

[eagle755]

Boy is it hard man. I'm not one to show emotions or even have many emotions. I'm very reserved, yet this is one thing that just hits harder than anything.

I never cry, but when I dated her, I cried maybe once a week from the amount of stress she put me through. And she actually comforted me whenever I cried, which I've heard BPD don't normally do?

I mean sometimes she didn't care, when she was upset herself or something.

I hate accepting things as they are, I'm not much of a surrenderer, guess that explains some.

There's so many trauma bonds I have to break, its pretty bad, the amount of things we went through.

Today I woke up slightly better. But still with the thoughts.

[Infared]

Hey everyone. It's been almost 3 months since my whole situation with my BPDex and us breaking up. I've been NC for about two weeks, lost track of the days. I was doing extremely well, positive outlook, things to look forward to, didn't wake up with anxiety anymore, been going surfing everyday and working out, looking really well. Yet, now I'm facing problems again. She's tried contacting me twice, yesturday and 2 days before that, once from her number saying "hi" then again from a textfree app, again saying "hi." I know these are just bait, and she wants to real me in again and have me as her little empathy toy. I didn't reply what so ever to them. We ended contact badly too, I sent her a big text explaining to her how much I simply do not want to hear from her ever again.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me now. Maybe it's a phase but I don't know. My positive attitude is still here, but now I have all these doubts and thoughts and anger building. I'm thinking about all of the "promises" and all of the lies and everything I was fed, and it's all starting to hit me again.

I just don't understand it. She was an extremely horrible girlfriend, and became very very abusive at the end, why is it still bothering me so?

The thoughts of thinking someone was so extremely loyal, and amazing, just over night, completely crushing my reality. Like, I thought she was so extremely loyal, she never once looked at another guy or said a guy was hot. Ever. Yet she sleeps with someone behind my back? An ugly guy at that?

It still just doesn't make any sense to me. Like, I understand their disorder and all. But are we not humans? Do they not posses rational thought or intelligence? Should they not be accountable for their actions? Are they incapable of understanding right and wrong?

Just so much going through my head now, and I had to vent it out somehow, to people that know what it's like.

eagle... .I think you are trying to approach a completely irrational situation with a rational mind.  That is why it is so painful for us. I have tried the same thing and I am always confounded, (emphasis on the "con". It makes no sense. There is no figuring it out. I think that BPD's are mentally ill self-centered vacuums. There is no figuring it out or understanding it... .For us, I think that is why it is so painful. Just move away from it, endure the pain and save you.

[Blimblam]

The only thing we can really figure out is our own role.

[eagle755]

Yes they're very self centered and it makes me very angry.

We started our relationship with her knowing that I just got out of 2 relationships where the girls cheated on me and it destroyed me, and she knew it. Yet she came in with flying rainbows and sht, saying all this "I'll never do that, I'm not that kind of person at all" with such loyal and faithful intentions, wanting to show me that not all girls are the same.

So you would think that I'm pretty messed up now that I dated that girl for two years and she ends up sleeping with one guy that I know of twice behind my back, even though we lived together, even though she came home after sleeping with him and kissed me, and slept with me while sleeping with him.

I'm very intelligent and rational, so it's definitely a pretty hard thing to let go and to not try to understand. I know it's just a big crapfest and there's nothing I can do

[Infared]

Eagle

I went thru the same... .I had not dated for a year or more when I met my pwBPD, as I had a really hurtful breakup where my ex ran off to LA for her career... .(hmm... .LA... .where shallow people go... .hmmmmm. LOL).

I had known this pwBPD thru a work situation and it developed into a relationship. I can picture the exact spot she was sitting in early on in the relationship when she told me that "she would never hurt me like that" (I guess what she meant was that she would go out of her way to hurt me MUCH more  ). We lived together for 5 years. She was cheating on me for I do not know how long and just told me a week before Christmas that she was leaving me and that there wasn't anybody else. She even brought up the fact that she promised me she wouldn't hurt me?  She moved to her father's a couple days later. Or so she said? I will never know... .Of course the big hurry was the fire she had in her pants to be with her new hero. She left me in our home with all her belongings, feeding her cats (which I loved), and putting a Christmas tree up by myself. I was so devastated that I was completely clueless. In a discussion later she referred to it as our break-up.  I corrected her and told her there was no break-up, or discussion of one? It was a just total selfish abandonment by her. She was silent. Then she told me our souls had touched?

I know how much pain you are in and I feel for you. I got a therapist and got into a self-help group. I needed a lot of support. I REALLY cared about this person... .and it was an extremely difficult thing for me to process... .especially with the treatment I started to receive from her. Very dysfunctional does not begin to describe it. I did not know about BPD then... so I could not get a handle on what was going on.

I also think there were others that she probably cheated on me with as well.

I know you are weathering the same kinds of behavior and there just is no predicting it or explaining it. I feel for ya... .

[eagle755]

That literally happened to me dude.

She said we had broken up a month before I found about the other guy, which we had not.

And if it wasn't for me being so paranoid,  and driving to see if she was really where she was at 1am, I may never have found out about her and the other guy. And I may have been trapped with her for the next horrible years to come

It really is horrible, and I'm having the most horrible time coping. I mean, I sort of stopped loving her near the end, because of the way she treated me, and I distances myself because of everything. But as soon as I found out, everything hit me hard. And it's been hitting me for 3 months. I've been solid nc for 2 weeks, she's contacted me twice, I've ignored.

I hate this situation, I of course miss the relationship we had before everything.

It didn't get bad until she stopped taking her depression medicine, at first I blamed it on that. Then I learned of BPD

Whole different world

[Infared]

Eagle... .they are very, very crafty and dishonest... .but since they are mentally ill there are lapses. My ex had met the guy she ran off with about 2years before she ran off. She met him thru work and socialized a couple of times that she told me about, and the reason it was mentioned to me initially was because he caused a scene in a bar. My ex had told me he was a fall-down drunk.   After she ran off and I found out who it was and she has this whole story made up how the met after she left me?  Now, this woman had completely hoodwinked me (it was easy, because I was loving and trusting), how could she make such a huge miscalculation... .I attribute it to the mental illness of her disorder.  Mine exhibited no abusive behavior until she said she was leaving, and then she completely turned into this viscious person... this bizarre character that I had never met.

I have learned to work hard to take care of me... .but I still hold on to that fantasy of a person I had my relationship with... .it is VERY difficult to let that go of.   It felt like the time of my life.

It is a very painful thing. I truly understand how you feel and what you are going through... .hang in there and just keep moving forward and protecting yourself from the insanity.

[eagle755]

Once again, very similar. Not until she wanted to leave me completely and be with him did she start being very abusive.

She never ended up being with him though. She stopped talking to him after I found out.

Well, she talked to him two separate occasions. But then she blocked him and stopped. And said she realized she didn't want his attention, that she wanted mine.

I'm still deep in the fantasy of who I thought she was. Because she portrayed herself so well. Its so hard for my head to change that image. Like, I stayed with her simply because of how loyal I thought she was. She didn't even text guys, and whenever a guy tried talking to her, she ignored them. Even up to the point of when she cheated on me. That very month, I searched her phone and found nothing(I know that's bad, but the situation was bad, and I knew something was up, and I was right) I found guys texts that she had ignored and everything. That's how she always was. But then there was that one guy, for some reason she didn't ignore. And there was literally nothing special about him. It just baffles me so.

I'm trying real hard to move forward. I get better, then worse, then Idk.