How to you cope with the 'illusion'?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

From everything I've learned about this disorder it is my understanding that a lot of what we thought was love was really just an illusion of love, that the pwBPD was incapable of real intimacy and love. 

I have been separated from my BPDh for two months now and I am having a real hard time coping with the idea that the last 4 years of my life has been a lie, a fiction.  A feeling I cannot shake.  Since our separation I found out about secrets that he was keeping that I never knew about.  I always had a sense that he was a stranger in many ways, my intuition told me that some things were an illusion or that I was missing some important info but could never put my finger on it.  And whenever I broached the subject he would turn it around, make me feel like I was paranoid (which he was a master at!).  How could someone I loved so much be a fiction?  It's made me question everything, wondering if anything was real.

[Pingo]

From everything I've learned about this disorder it is my understanding that a lot of what we thought was love was really just an illusion of love, that the pwBPD was incapable of real intimacy and love. 

I have been separated from my BPDh for two months now and I am having a real hard time coping with the idea that the last 4 years of my life has been a lie, a fiction.  A feeling I cannot shake.  Since our separation I found out about secrets that he was keeping that I never knew about.  I always had a sense that he was a stranger in many ways, my intuition told me that some things were an illusion or that I was missing some important info but could never put my finger on it.  And whenever I broached the subject he would turn it around, make me feel like I was paranoid (which he was a master at!).  How could someone I loved so much be a fiction?  It's made me question everything, wondering if anything was real.

[Hope0807]

Hi Pingo,

My relationship was 7 years.  I am EXACTLY where you are.  The love, the promises, the tears, the fights, every bit of my relationship with him was…Intense.  I read about healing from a BPD daily.  It's honestly the only thing that helps me get through my days and helps me to realize that each moment and each day WILL lead me through this to a better place.  The love was real to them, just not the same as for us.  It was kinda like - the best they knew how to give…but SO FAR from what any other non-BPD would need from life.  Some things I have read helped me to understand that the BPD sense of intimacy and love is handled much like a 3 year old child would handle it.  A 3 year old has not yet developed a sense of "empathy" - which essentially is the part of the brain that later develops to know and understand that their actions are hurtful to someone else.  BPDs are by definition emotionally stunted and although incredibly, insanely painful, we have to work to move forward and TRY to not take it personally.  We cannot help them or fix any of it.  If we try, we only further damage ourselves.  I hope that information gives you some solace.  

Hang in there and stay hopeful.

[Pingo]

Thank you Hope0807, before I found this site I had never heard about BPD and I do wonder if I would have left earlier had I known and accepted that he was truly mentally ill.  I had a lot of denial apparently.  Part of the issue for me is that his story is so complicated to start with even without the BPD.  He has an acquired brain injury from 10 years ago as well and retrograde amnesia.  This was so hard to understand in the beginning, I felt such compassion for him as he doesn't remember so much of his later life, his children, ex-wife, etc.  This already created a situation that was hard to believe at times because how many people like this does one come across in life?  I just don't know what to believe anymore, what was real, what was made up... .maybe it was all a lie and I will never know for sure and all I can do is let it go.  Guess I'm just not there yet, I'm still trying to make sense of something that just makes no sense.

[Dutched]

Maybe it might be of any comfort to read

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229899.0;all

Read the Lessons and take time to browse older topics.

Like all her, we have been there and it is a long painful road in which you question all believes you once had.

Questioning your part (no not a 50% part!) too. 

Post, vent, grieve and be angry!  We are here.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think what you're saying is somewhat true. The beginning of these relationships are based on the borderlines hope and placation. But I'm sure that they also find us the most important things in the world. It's why we hurt them so much, without even trying to.