Threats to deny access Hot and cold

[londonD]

We split up on 23rd May, so a little over two months. The relationship was toxic and it still is, she goes from hot to cold and back again constantly.

She hates me, she doesn't mind me, she wants to have sex with me, she hates me. She threatens to stop me seeing my son or she threatens to make it very difficult for me to see him.

She is sleeping around with two men, if not more, this still hurts me as the woman I though she was four years ago wasn't a hussy but clearly she was. I found out during the relationship she god around. Its all validation for her, feeling desirable. She has been used and abused by men her whole life.

So, this week she has blocked me from her phone, I cant call or text. She said she wont reply to my emails moving forward and she wont meet me to drop off my son. She wants me to send a third party. She lives 30 miles away, who can I get to pick him up for me?

These threats have been made in the past, and didn't materialise but I am really worried that I wont get to see my son. Each time she threatens me, I get anxiety and believe that she will do it.

She knows the only way to hurt me is through my son. Please give me advise on how to move forward?

[Matt]

Well first I would suggest you post this on the "Legal" board here, or ask a moderator to move it there.  This is mostly a legal issue.

You need a court order to enforce the parenting schedule.  If the schedule hasn't been decided, you should file a motion for the schedule you think is best.  Or if she has had more time with the child than you, and you think it would be better if the child was with you more, now is your opportunity.

If you think the schedule you agreed to is good, you could just ask the court to put it into an order, with specific times and places.  Other members here can walk you through that - it's not complicated and it's very common.

The other parent may fight you on this but you'll probably win, especially if you can show - maybe e-mails between you and her - that you have had regular time with the child.  Document all her threats the best you can - e-mails, texts, whatever.  In some states it is legal to audio-record, so you can capture phone calls or face-to-face.  E-mail is best.  Then you can show the judge that she is making threats, and that is not in the child's interest.

Once you have the court order, than if she withholds contact you can have the court order enforced.  She might be cited for contempt of court, for example.  The more she fights it, the worse it will get for her and the stronger your position will be.  But without a court order you have no power.

[londonD]

Well first I would suggest you post this on the "Legal" board here, or ask a moderator to move it there.  This is mostly a legal issue.

You need a court order to enforce the parenting schedule.  If the schedule hasn't been decided, you should file a motion for the schedule you think is best.  Or if she has had more time with the child than you, and you think it would be better if the child was with you more, now is your opportunity.

If you think the schedule you agreed to is good, you could just ask the court to put it into an order, with specific times and places.  Other members here can walk you through that - it's not complicated and it's very common.

The other parent may fight you on this but you'll probably win, especially if you can show - maybe e-mails between you and her - that you have had regular time with the child.  Document all her threats the best you can - e-mails, texts, whatever.  In some states it is legal to audio-record, so you can capture phone calls or face-to-face.  E-mail is best.  Then you can show the judge that she is making threats, and that is not in the child's interest.

Once you have the court order, than if she withholds contact you can have the court order enforced.  She might be cited for contempt of court, for example.  The more she fights it, the worse it will get for her and the stronger your position will be.  But without a court order you have no power.

Thank you for this. The threats are really getting me down.

[Matt]

Well first I would suggest you post this on the "Legal" board here, or ask a moderator to move it there.  This is mostly a legal issue.

You need a court order to enforce the parenting schedule.  If the schedule hasn't been decided, you should file a motion for the schedule you think is best.  Or if she has had more time with the child than you, and you think it would be better if the child was with you more, now is your opportunity.

If you think the schedule you agreed to is good, you could just ask the court to put it into an order, with specific times and places.  Other members here can walk you through that - it's not complicated and it's very common.

The other parent may fight you on this but you'll probably win, especially if you can show - maybe e-mails between you and her - that you have had regular time with the child.  Document all her threats the best you can - e-mails, texts, whatever.  In some states it is legal to audio-record, so you can capture phone calls or face-to-face.  E-mail is best.  Then you can show the judge that she is making threats, and that is not in the child's interest.

Once you have the court order, than if she withholds contact you can have the court order enforced.  She might be cited for contempt of court, for example.  The more she fights it, the worse it will get for her and the stronger your position will be.  But without a court order you have no power.

Thank you for this. The threats are really getting me down.

So there's a big emotional aspect of this - not just wihtholding contact but verbally assaulting you and making you feel worse about the future.

Several things you can do to get stronger.  Number one is what I described before - find out the rules and take strong action to get the law on your side.

Also, you can re-think how you communicate with her.  I would suggest only e-mail - not phone or text except in emergencies.  Keep it very short and simple - only talk about short-term practical things like the schedule and minor medical problems the child may have.

Ignore anything emotional or unfair from her.  Just don't respond to that.  Only respond to what she says that is appropriate and focused on the child.

E-mail gives you more distance so you can't be manipulated or attacked as easily.  And you are not obligated to keep the e-mails secret.  You can copy them to whoever you want - your lawyer, or any other authority figure your wife may not want to know how she is behaving.

Keep a record of the e-mails and show them to your attorney to establish the pattern - how your wife is acting.  The judge will give this a lot of weight.  Make sure you aren't doing or saying anything inappropriate that might provoke her;  if the responsiblity lies 1% with you and 99% with her that might look to the judge like a tie.

Distance!

Finally, consider three sources of strength, to deal with the stress you're under.  Family and close friends who care about you (even if they don't know much about legal and psychological issues you're dealing with);  peers (like here) who can understand and share our experiences;  and professionals like a counselor - my counselor was a big help to me when I was where you are.

Get all three sources of support going for you so you'll be strong enough for this challenge - it's a marathon not a sprint!

[londonD]

Well first I would suggest you post this on the "Legal" board here, or ask a moderator to move it there.  This is mostly a legal issue.

You need a court order to enforce the parenting schedule.  If the schedule hasn't been decided, you should file a motion for the schedule you think is best.  Or if she has had more time with the child than you, and you think it would be better if the child was with you more, now is your opportunity.

If you think the schedule you agreed to is good, you could just ask the court to put it into an order, with specific times and places.  Other members here can walk you through that - it's not complicated and it's very common.

The other parent may fight you on this but you'll probably win, especially if you can show - maybe e-mails between you and her - that you have had regular time with the child.  Document all her threats the best you can - e-mails, texts, whatever.  In some states it is legal to audio-record, so you can capture phone calls or face-to-face.  E-mail is best.  Then you can show the judge that she is making threats, and that is not in the child's interest.

Once you have the court order, than if she withholds contact you can have the court order enforced.  She might be cited for contempt of court, for example.  The more she fights it, the worse it will get for her and the stronger your position will be.  But without a court order you have no power.

Thank you for this. The threats are really getting me down.

So there's a big emotional aspect of this - not just wihtholding contact but verbally assaulting you and making you feel worse about the future.

Several things you can do to get stronger.  Number one is what I described before - find out the rules and take strong action to get the law on your side.

Also, you can re-think how you communicate with her.  I would suggest only e-mail - not phone or text except in emergencies.  Keep it very short and simple - only talk about short-term practical things like the schedule and minor medical problems the child may have.

Ignore anything emotional or unfair from her.  Just don't respond to that.  Only respond to what she says that is appropriate and focused on the child.

E-mail gives you more distance so you can't be manipulated or attacked as easily.  And you are not obligated to keep the e-mails secret.  You can copy them to whoever you want - your lawyer, or any other authority figure your wife may not want to know how she is behaving.

Keep a record of the e-mails and show them to your attorney to establish the pattern - how your wife is acting.  The judge will give this a lot of weight.  Make sure you aren't doing or saying anything inappropriate that might provoke her;  if the responsiblity lies 1% with you and 99% with her that might look to the judge like a tie.

Distance!

Finally, consider three sources of strength, to deal with the stress you're under.  Family and close friends who care about you (even if they don't know much about legal and psychological issues you're dealing with);  peers (like here) who can understand and share our experiences;  and professionals like a counselor - my counselor was a big help to me when I was where you are.

Get all three sources of support going for you so you'll be strong enough for this challenge - it's a marathon not a sprint!

Thank you for the response. She barred me from her phone so I couldn't speak to my son. You're right, I think and worry too much about the future instead of what's in front of me. I'm terrified of the future, I'm terrified I can't see my son because of her.

I'm terrified I'll be replaced as a father. I'm terrified she will not allow me to speak with him on the phone or skype

I'm just scared

[Matt]

Well I think you can take some positive actions to deal with this.  It can be scary when things are out of your control.  Finding out how the law works where you live, and filing the right motion, will bring things under the court's control, so you won't have to worry as much about not having contact with your child.

About phone contact... .

Lots of our members have court orders saying that when the child is with Mom, Dad should be able to talk to him for 20 minutes every evening, or something like that.  I've never had that, and I don't think it is always best to talk with the child every day, if he is with you a lot - I see my kids almost every day so the phone isn't such a big deal, and phone contact can create a lot of conflict between the parents, because it's one parent coming into the other parent's home - not literally but by phone - so it can be a very emotional, territorial thing.

I would suggest that you first focus on how much time your son should spend with you - decide how much would be best and find out what you can do to get the court to order that.  If he will be with you a lot, don't worry too much about phone contact, but if he won't be with you much, look to supplement that with phone calls fairly often.

Do you have an attorney who has good experience in this area?

One book you might want to check out is "Splitting" by William A. Eddy.  It deals with the special problems of divorce and custody issues when one of the parties has BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).  You can also read a lot of good stuff at Eddy's web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.