Party Aftetmath

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Finally, my moms party is over. No more worrying about keeping it a secret. I don't know if may of you read my previous post about it but in short, I invited my brother in whom I've had no contact with since April. We aren't allowed to have a relationship because his BPD wife is "threatened" by mine and his close relationship. After she caused a huge blowout over a dress, that resulted in me not being invited to their wedding, I tried to take a step in the right direction and invite him. I never heard back from him.

Maybe I was wrong for only inviting him without her, in some people's eyes but there's good reason behind it. My brother came to my home one day after the big blowout and tried to reconcile. I accepted his half a$$ apology but he told me he wanted to have a relationship but it was to be secret. If she knew him and I were speaking, "she'd kill him". Why would I invite someone who hates me so much? Someone who would kill my brother if he spoke to me? I don't want her in my home and neither does my husband. Also after witnessing this huge, over the top, drama fueled fight they had, where she was threatening to throw his stuff on the front lawn, why would I want a crazy person like that, at my home? also she had said some nasty and disrespectful things to our mom, and it's her party.

Anyway, one of my cousins decided to call him last night. I guess to see whether he was coming or not. He somehow has the nerve to be offended that I didn't invite his wife and make me look like the bad guy to other members of my family. I mean he did not invite me to his wedding! Over a stupid dress that his wife decided she didn't like.  It just makes me so mad. A lot I of my extended family feels bad and sympathize with him.  But yet they know the whole story. They don't know all the crazy stuff his wife has done. Because I'm an outspoken and opinionated person, I'm the scapegoat. Everyone blames me because it's more believable. I will be the first one to admit that I too, have some flaws in my personality but I really have not engaged in his wife's BS. I don't say anything to either of them, ever. My brother is just a straight up, nice guy so it's hard to believe he's capable of being such an a$$hole! He doesn't tell everyone the full story and of course he twists it to work in his favor.

I really want to give him a peice of my mind. I'm so angry and upset but I know I will be ignored. I can't let what others think, bother me. It's just hurtful. The people who do know the whole story, the real story, are the ones who are standing behind me. I just can't believe my life has come to this. I've been through a lot of terrible stuff in the past few years and dealt with a lot of loss. My life finally has come together and I have everything I could want and I'd love to have my brother be a part of mine, my husband and my sons lives but his wife just won't allow it. It hurts.

[Youcantfoolme]

Finally, my moms party is over. No more worrying about keeping it a secret. I don't know if may of you read my previous post about it but in short, I invited my brother in whom I've had no contact with since April. We aren't allowed to have a relationship because his BPD wife is "threatened" by mine and his close relationship. After she caused a huge blowout over a dress, that resulted in me not being invited to their wedding, I tried to take a step in the right direction and invite him. I never heard back from him.

Maybe I was wrong for only inviting him without her, in some people's eyes but there's good reason behind it. My brother came to my home one day after the big blowout and tried to reconcile. I accepted his half a$$ apology but he told me he wanted to have a relationship but it was to be secret. If she knew him and I were speaking, "she'd kill him". Why would I invite someone who hates me so much? Someone who would kill my brother if he spoke to me? I don't want her in my home and neither does my husband. Also after witnessing this huge, over the top, drama fueled fight they had, where she was threatening to throw his stuff on the front lawn, why would I want a crazy person like that, at my home? also she had said some nasty and disrespectful things to our mom, and it's her party.

Anyway, one of my cousins decided to call him last night. I guess to see whether he was coming or not. He somehow has the nerve to be offended that I didn't invite his wife and make me look like the bad guy to other members of my family. I mean he did not invite me to his wedding! Over a stupid dress that his wife decided she didn't like.  It just makes me so mad. A lot I of my extended family feels bad and sympathize with him.  But yet they know the whole story. They don't know all the crazy stuff his wife has done. Because I'm an outspoken and opinionated person, I'm the scapegoat. Everyone blames me because it's more believable. I will be the first one to admit that I too, have some flaws in my personality but I really have not engaged in his wife's BS. I don't say anything to either of them, ever. My brother is just a straight up, nice guy so it's hard to believe he's capable of being such an a$$hole! He doesn't tell everyone the full story and of course he twists it to work in his favor.

I really want to give him a peice of my mind. I'm so angry and upset but I know I will be ignored. I can't let what others think, bother me. It's just hurtful. The people who do know the whole story, the real story, are the ones who are standing behind me. I just can't believe my life has come to this. I've been through a lot of terrible stuff in the past few years and dealt with a lot of loss. My life finally has come together and I have everything I could want and I'd love to have my brother be a part of mine, my husband and my sons lives but his wife just won't allow it. It hurts.

[Kwamina]

Hi Youcantfoolme,

I hope you still were able to find some enjoyment in the party in spite of everything going on. It can be frustrating to hear people talk about things and form an opinion about you while you know that they don't even really know what's going on. Based on all your posts I've seen, I personally think it's quite understandable that you don't want your husband's wife at your house. If possible, BPD drama is something you should try to keep outside your house as much as possible  Unfortunately though the BPD drama often still finds other ways to get into your house and life, like you experienced when one of your cousins called your brother. I know how hard it is to have extended family members say stuff without knowing all the facts. My advice would be to ignore them as much as you can and stick to what you know is reality based on the complete picture you can form based on all the facts. At least some of your family members seem to be reconstructing a version of reality based on some limited information that doesn't include your husband's wife's most 'crazy' behaviors.

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you for your great advice. I am trying really hard to keep the drama away. Still it's hard because my brother and I used to be very close. I just cann

[Linda Maria]

Hi there - so sorry to hear the pain you're going through - it's just so bloody unfair.  I honestly think you will get your brother back - can't tell you when - but if he's the straight up nice guy you say he is - and he can already see his wife has a problem - and he would like to have a relationship with you, even if it is in secret - then sooner or later he will have to face this situation head on.  We're all different, but I think if it was me, I would rather have the secret relationship with him, even if you don't see him a lot, but at least communicate regularly.  That way - you have kept your relationship with him - she hasn't won in that sense, and perhaps more importantly - your brother is going to really need you at some point in the future and you will want to be there for him - you won't want him to feel that he couldn't come to you for help.  It's far from ideal - but maybe better than feeling like you've "lost" him or he's been "taken" from you for now by your SIL.  I know it's tough, and unfair, but try to take a long term view.  the situation I have with my uBPDsis is different to yours, I have gone largely NC, but partly because if I allowed her the opportunity to keep sending me all the hate mail, by responding and defending myself, which only incites more of it and feeds the flames, sooner or later she will cross a line so badly that I won't ever be able to go back.  I feel like all the time I can keep the nastiness at bay, and stop it impacting on my life as far as possible, then, who knows, one day she may wise up, get help, and we may be able to salvage something.  But if I don't do it this way I will end up hating her so much for how she's hurting me that I won't be able to forgive her and I will become bitter and obsessed and drive everyone around me nuts.  Not sure if this is helping - but that's my take on it at the moment.  Good luck!  JB

[Youcantfoolme]

jB I shared in your thinking for quite a whole but now I'm at the point of thinking maybe tough love is needed. My brother has had a habit of beating up on us and expecting us to "just deal" with his $h!t for quite some time now. Even before he got married, a year and a half ago. It's a pattern with him. He's always way more worried about not upsetting his significant others, yet doesn't seem to care if he hurts his family. He, himself had always been selfish. Everything always has to revolve around him and his schedule. If we made plans, we ALL had base the plans on what times were convienient for him and his girlfriend. Everyone else has to be flexible however. This isn't anything new with him, it's just more extreme because this time, the person he is with, has a serious personality disorder. Even after all the unfairness he's put me through, I've ALWAYS been his shoulder to cry on when things don't work out in the end. I can't keep going on letting him think that he can treat me like crap and I will still be here for him. Even if it kills me to do so, I feel it's a necessary thing for me to do. I have to think about myself too and that is a new concept that I've been exploring in many of he relationships in my life. I tend to always be more worried about hurting the people I love than defending myself. I'm not happy about having to turn my back on someone I love but at this point I feel it's what I have to do in order for things to change.

[Linda Maria]

When you put it like that - I have to agree.  You have to break the pattern.  He will know how strong your bond is, so if you have really had to cut off to protect yourself and your family from all the stress of it, he knows you wouldn't do that unless it was the only thing left you felt you could do.  I'm so sorry.  It's unfair that we have to make these tough choices.  My solution was to go NC as far as possible, and it largely works in terms of relieving day to day stress.  So even though it's your SIL not your brother who has the BPD, if in fact you are dealing with the same s***t that you would be if you were dealing directly with her, then in fact NC or very LC is the way to go.  Something about your story still makes me think that longer term you will have the relationship back with your brother so stay positive.  Once I'd made the decision to go NC as far as possible with my uBPDsis I started feeling better very quickly.  Good luck, will be interested to hear how it goes.  JB

[Youcantfoolme]

Thank you JB. This is a decision I'm making with a very heavy heart. Not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I got into it with one of our cousins today. She thought it was completely wrong that I didn't put his wife's name on the invitation. She thinks I'm the one holding the grude. Like I've said, I think it's just easier for people to believe it's me because I'm very outspoken. Once I explained the entire story to her, she understood why I did what I did. I take after my mom as in I don't like having unresolved issues with people. Especially my family. After reaching out and being rejected I feel there's nothing more that could be done on my end.

[Linda Maria]

Yep - it definitely sounds like you are doing the right thing, though I know it's hard.  The positive thing I can tell you - is once you've made that tough decision, and you do largely eliminate the day to day stress of it - you feel a lot better very quickly.  I was able to "let go" of a lot of my negative feelings once the communications stopped.  It is hard - I still get the odd nasty text and letter - and feel like responding - just to put the truth on record.  But I know as soon as I do a barrage will follow, so I feel very grown up as I bin them, or shred them or whatever.  And yes - it's hard when other people want to talk about it, and seem to be trying to persuade you to do something.  But you know what I've found?  I've found that when my sister's stories start to bother other people, and they obviously realise there is something wrong, that's when they contact me - because they want me to sort the problem - they don't want it on their doorstep!  And knowing that makes me feel stronger that I'm right in what I'm doing, that NC is the way to go - I have let go of all of the guilt.  There is sadness there, but I would Never say Never, but just Not for Now, or the foreseeable future.  Just tough being the grown up sometimes honey!  JB

[Linda Maria]

Me again!  Meant to add - you say other people think it is you because you are outspoken.  May not be that at all.  Some people around my sister seemed to think it was me - and I am not outspoken or confrontational and they know that.  It was just easier to go along with what my sister said (as I did for years) because they know they can ask me, and talk to me and I will be reasonable and rational and prepared to discuss it with them.  But I can't make the truth pretty for them, and it is hard for them to hear that in fact she is a liar and a slanderer.  But, like me all those years - they can't have that open honest conversation with her - because they are worried about upsetting her!  So it's pretty obvious really - but just a very hard thing for people to deal with.  They want you to sort it out so they don't have to - but you know what - you don't have to either.  Just hold on to that!  JB

[P.F.Change]

I'm sorry to hear there was some drama surrounding the party you hosted for your mother. You've gotten some good feedback, and I think Kwamina is right that learning to detach emotionally from what other people think and say about you and choose what's best regardless of their approval can be a good thing. It's really important to have boundaries that are consistent with our values.

One thing I noticed is that you have started to acknowledge some of your brother's issues. Previously you have placed the blame almost entirely on your SIL for controlling him. It is good you are starting to be able to see he has a choice and he is responsible for his part in what happens in his relationship with you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Youcantfoolme]

PF, just like any relationship, it takes two to tango. He is 100% responsible for his actions and she is 100% responsible for hers. I blame her just because I know my brother wouldn't be making most of these choices on his own. She is most certainly influencing his decisions. He's responsible for letting her influence them. I know my brother though and I know NONE of this would be happening if she wasn't putting him in compromising positions. A lot of the lying and things he is doing and saying are COMPLETELY out of character for him. When I hear him speak, he sounds like he's been totally brainwashed. It's actually quite scary. The only way I can describe it is, it's like when you see someone on drugs. You know they are still the same person as far as their appearance goes, but when you look into their eyes it's like you can see right through them. The person you know, is no longer in there. It's sort of hard to describe. I blame her more just because I know she is holding threats and dangling carrots over his head. He almost has no choice but to carry out her demands otherwise she will destroy him.

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I think as long as they are married something like a party you have to invite both.  You can choose to invite just him but obviously this will cause drama and make you look like the bad guy.

I think TIME is all you got right now.   As long as she is with him... .and as long as he is loyal to her... .you are of luck.  Wait for that window to open with him as it will.  Easy to say when you I believe are like me and short in the family department.     This is not easy stuff.

Things like parties, weddings (yup - the one they burned you on) all should include everyone.

You could explain to your brother that it is very clear based on the fact you were not invited to their wedding that his new wife hates you and that is why you didn't invite her.    

Something to think on this strategy:  Hmmmm... .What if?   you had invited the both of them and see if she comes.  That's a win win for you.   It shows you are "going above it all" and message to your brother - he WILL think.     And when she makes a b****y stink over it now it is creating issues between the two of them.    If he DOES come then UGGGGGGHHHH but that is a risk.    

Just some thoughts.   So sorry for all this.  I feel your pain!