Is hate enough?

[Overbeck]

Simple question. Not much I need to add.

I hate my alcoholic Borderline ex. The 7 years of lies, abuse and bitter waste. I do hate myself for not walking away earlier... .but I also hate HER!

I won't be the instrument of her downfall. I won't break any laws. But I hate her.

Is that enough? Does this help?

[FindingWings]

Man... .I hate that you feel this way. It's not the way I choose to feel and I really, deep down  don't believe you do either. Sometimes my attachment to an outcome or expectation about something or someone cuts me off from making a healthy choice. I know for me I got trapped in a cage of resentment early on because of the rejection I felt. It hurt my pride. It crushed my ego. And I would grit my teeth and just seeth and simmer... .''That f&%$$#% jerk took all I had emotionally and gave me back nothing!''  '':)idn't she know how special I was?'' And so on... .And I allowed this to set the tone for how I felt about myself and how I interacted with others. As a recovering alcoholic and addict I can't afford to hang on to something like that for very long. It will get me killed. And talking about my anger prompted one of my best friends to point out the fact that hating someone to somehow wound them was a lot like drinking poison to kill the rat living under the storage shed. It won't hurt them a bit. They go on their merry way and I'm stuck with the knot in my stomach. I hope you can let go at some point but, I do understand.

All the best,

J_

[SpringInMyStep]

Is the breakup pretty fresh? I am only a week into mine and I feel similarly... .it's because I held back for so long, putting up with her stuff, her lies, buying into all of it. And now it's just hitting me. I bet that's what you're going through. The truth is crashing down and it's just too much. I can relate.

I don't think this anger will last forever.

But today mine turned things around in emails to me, accusing me of things I didn't do! She basically accused me of all the things she did to me! It's insane. It's not rational.

I am so tempted to write her a manifesto explaining all the ways she's crazy, but I can't. I don't want to be that person. Plus we're getting a divorce and I don't want to give her any ammunition... .however, I think I do have the upper hand as she does not want certain people to know about her mental illness. But still, I want this to just end and have my life back.

[Popcorn71]

The 7 years of lies, abuse and bitter waste. I do hate myself for not walking away earlier... .but I also hate HER!

I can identify with you.  I spent 9 years of my life with my exBPDh and I feel it was totally wasted on a cheating, lying, abusive thing.  I cannot even call him a man because he isn't.  I hate him more than I have ever felt hatred for anyone in my life.  I don't want to feel this way either, but I do.

It is almost a year since he abandoned me and the hatred is now more intense than ever.  I hope it doesn't last because I know it isn't good for me, but I don't know what to do about it.

I will be reading this thread with interest.

[Blimblam]

 Sorry you guys feel hatred.  But here is a tough question for you. How much of that hatred for them is self hatred

For putting up with their behavior for so long?

[Overbeck]

  But here is a tough question for you. How much of that hatred for them is self hatred

For putting up with their behavior for so long?

Quote a bit. I thought I was staying devoted to a woman a love wholeheartedly. When I opened my eyes I saw stupidity in my part that I can't forgive myself for.

But I still hate her.

[Tausk]

Simple question. Not much I need to add.

I hate my alcoholic Borderline ex. The 7 years of lies, abuse and bitter waste. I do hate myself for not walking away earlier... .but I also hate HER!

I won't be the instrument of her downfall. I won't break any laws. But I hate her.

Is that enough? Does this help?

The emotion is the emotion.  There are no judgements on the emotions.  We feel what we feel.  Our emotions are emotions.  I've learned that whatever I feel, it's best for me to feel to the depths.  Feel the hatred to it's core and completely.  

The question is how do we respond to the emotion.  That is the key in determining whether I grow and learn from the emotion, or if my world shrinks and I digress.

For example, if your hate is enough for the moment to keep boundaries until the FOG lifts, then that's a constructive response.  

However, if you respond to your hate by doing something impulsive that gets you thrown in prison.  Maybe not so good.  

If your hate leads you to work out and exercise.  Probably constructive.

If your hate for ex causes you to act without thinking and further damage a traumatized three-year old who lives in abject terror, maybe not so good.

How are you planning to respond to your hate?

[Overbeck]

What other recourse do I have but acidic, furious hatred?

If I allow myself one moment of sympathy or remembered love for her, then I am still that stupid fool who ignored evidence of her cancerous existence. Ambivalence? Trying to get there.

I see her too much. She has no friends and as far as I can tell her nights consist of drinking beer and screwing Professor Superman. So she is suffering---and that makes me happy.

But I have to live in my own body all day. And when i think of her I feel terrible.

I allow my hate to run wild. She deserves every ounce of it.

[Blimblam]

Well I'm sorry man.  I sure hope it passes. M

I sure feel like I hate that b___ today.  Gave her the ultimate bond of my entire life and she turns around and makes a damn fool out of me and even when I had chances to recycle her presence would make me physically I'll.  I even texted her the other day I couldn't see her because I'm afraid of her. I wish i could recycle just to prove myself I'm not scared of her and it really pisses me off.  I hate what she did to me made me a damn worm and that's about how much she respects me.  She destroyed the next few years of my damn life. 

[Tausk]

What other recourse do I have but acidic, furious hatred?

If I allow myself one moment of sympathy or remembered love for her, then I am still that stupid fool who ignored evidence of her cancerous existence. Ambivalence? Trying to get there.

I see her too much. She has no friends and as far as I can tell her nights consist of drinking beer and screwing Professor Superman. So she is suffering---and that makes me happy.

But I have to live in my own body all day. And when i think of her I feel terrible.

I allow my hate to run wild. She deserves every ounce of it.

Feel it to its core.  Drive into the feeling as deeply as you can.   

But how do you plan to respond to it? 

Doing nothing other than feeling is probably a good neutral response

[Overbeck]

But how do you plan to respond to it? 

I can only exercise so much. I can only sleep so much. She is not even a social butterfly--quite the contrary, she is a recluse---and yet I SEE HER ALL OVER TOWN!

I will seethe. And I will hope to hear from others that she suffers.

[seeking balance]

Hate is tied to your anger and anger is a very necessary part of grief.

Be as angry as you need to be, for as long as you need to be.  While you are being angry at her - pick something, anything new to do for you and you alone.  Whether it is volunteer somewhere, take a painting class or train for a marathon - give yourself something else to focus that has nothing at all to do with her.

Anger/hate - I felt it until I was done - eventually it gets really tiring and I was kinda sick and tired of ME... .lean into that in a healthy way.

Peace,

SB