Does Anyone Else Struggle with Abandonment Issues?

[SweetJane]

My mother has BPD and I feel as though, even though I don't have BPD, I have some abandonment issues. I'm in therapy, but I'm wondering if any of you who've had a parent with BPD, also struggle with abandonment issues? I'm always worried if people in my life (other family members, friends, boyfriend, etc... .) are either mad at me or are going to leave me. I think it comes from having to walk on eggshells with my mother for so long and dealing with her rage. I can remember from a very young age, where she would just stop talking to for days if she was mad about something.

Does anyone else experience this? What have you done to sooth yourself or work through these issues?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, SweetJane, and 

You are asking some good questions. Yes, I have dealt with fears of abandonment also. At first I did not even realize that I had those fears, but as I began to work on other issues in my life I started to see how many of them stemmed from the fear that something I did or said would make my loved ones want to leave me.

Working in therapy helped a lot. I started to see where the fears were coming from and address them. Before, I felt shame and insecurity and did not have the skills to take care of myself and my feelings--I relied heavily on others to provide that reassurance. Over time, I have learned that I can trust myself and will be all right even if the people I feel attached to were to end up leaving at some point. It has been helpful to me and led to healthier relationships overall.

It is good that you already have a therapist. Have you brought up your fears of abandonment?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[HappyChappy]

SweetJane I think it's only natrual that we ACORns would have more abandoment feers than most. After all, most BPD use this as a way of putting us in our place. I was abandoned by my BPD quiet a few times. Before aged 7, I remember being left in a City three times and lost in the country side once. I understand that as this is a BPD's worst feer, they see it as effective punishment. They also  project that feer onto us. Nasty stuff.

But now you've realised their trickery, you can see it for what it was. The unhealthy way a BPD tried to condition you. Not the way everyone else would. Your Therapist should be able to help here. But building self esteam, building an outside network, building a career and  family. All these things can help to sooth the issue. If you've just realised about BPD and your childhood, then these feers might have reappeared or strenghtened. But don't worry, that's just until you deal with it all.

My Therapist was very helpfull here, until she left me for another patient (Just joking).