He got me hooked on him. I'm an emotional slave.

[MissTajo]

I came to this board to gather some courage inside myself to set me free but... .When it comes close to the end I BEG for him to stay. I'm weak, i'm stubborn and I refuse that the BPD side of him takes the final decision.

I dream of the day that I have a normal relationship. But then I look back and none of them was. BPD or not they were all unhappy ones. For one simple reason: My lack of self esteem. And now, in this r/s is a thousand times worse. 

He has two people inside himself. A loving dependable one. And the monster. And the second one is despicable. And when we fight and "it" wants to go away and end it all I look at him and beg him to stay. I try to tame the monster and bring the nice guy back but the twisted smile on his lips makes me think they both love the drama... .

His mother is normally the trigger. She is a very depressed person. Always sad, always crying... .She doesn't clean the house (he lives with her, I live alone and he comes on the weekends) or does anything really... .So I pay for it. He looks at me and yells "You do nothing around the house! Everything is always a mess!" and I look at him and say "look around you... .the house is impeccable. It always is... .You are here in my house not in your mothers house. You are not yelling at me you are yelling at her... ." Then he realizes what he just said and moves on to another subject: Betrayal.  " You are seeing another person behind my back! A rich, good looking guy!" And when we are done with that subject another comes to the table... .And it keeps going.

Its so tiring... .So exausting.

His OCD keeps him from being normal. A simple Sunday afternoon is a nightmare because he cant sit on the couch. Simple tasks are for him a nightmare. I see his pain and I feel so sorry for him.

Why do I stay? Do I like the pain? Do I need it? Am I so afraid to be left alone again?

[MissTajo]

I have gone to dinner last week with my classmates to celebrate the end of the school year. Most of my colleagues are older people and not some drunk kids. We had a nice fun dinner and drank a little sangria, not much. Our teacher was there to so we all behaved really well (mind that the ages of my colleagues vary from 23 to 50 years old).

In the middle of the dinner he calls. He wants to talk. He feels bad about his looks. Says he is ugly and hates himself. Of course that I know this is a way of making me feel guilty for going out to dinner. I listen to him and try to help. He says he doesnt want to bother me and that we'll talk when I get home but of course he called be before that. I was getting into my ride's car and I told him I would call him in 10 minutes, as soon and I got home. And I did and we talked.  Two days later he comes to spend the weekend and rambles on about how I don't care about him and that I preferred to have dinner and drink... .

It is so unfair. So unfair.

Now my colleagues have to HIDE the photos from facebook so he doesn't seem them... .Ridiculous... .SO ridiculous... .

[tbddbt]

A book that will help explain why you act the way you do with him is:

"Stop Caretaking the borderline or narcissist: how to end the drama"

By Marsalis fjelstad

Most of us in these types of relationships are "caretaker" personalities.  Myself, included.

[OutOfEgypt]

MissTajo,

I'm so sorry.  I've been in your shoes.  I've cried and even begged when she wanted to leave, oh so many times.  Hard to imagine a grown man would act that way -talk about demoralizing.  But I will give myself a break and you should, too.  Calling yourself "weak" won't help.  You already think you are weak.  That part of you that tells you that you are weak is what keeps you stuck.  If you stood up and realized that you aren't weak and stopped listening to your critic, well then something might happen

Why do I stay? Do I like the pain? Do I need it? Am I so afraid to be left alone again?

Probably all of the above.  You probably don't think you could be happy without him, or you are plain just too scared to stand on your own two feet in this world.  Either way, I know how it goes.  But you won't find out through some epiphany.  You will only find out how strong you are as you take a first step in a new direction.  It will hurt like hell no matter what you do.  And honestly, probably a lot of the reason we stay is to avoid pain.  We just are exhausted from hurting so much that it seems impossible to face even MORE pain through the loss of the relationship. But we can. You can.  Keep in mind that people with BPD know this and exploit this about us.  They tear down our self-esteem in order to control the relationship.  But at some point we have to stand up and say, "Why am I letting them?  I don't care anymore if I'm not the perfect spouse.  This is just wrong!"

[imstronghere2]

Like OutOfEgypt, I cried, begged, tried to reason with, but nothing made any difference in the end.  If they are truly BPD, they're going to leave eventually.  That just what they do.  My exwBPD left her home, me, our children, her pets, everything.   It absolutely devastated me at the time and I struggle to keep up with everything on my own now but the solace is that I don't have the additional mental and emotional battles with her, every damn day. 

Wishing and hoping that she would be different, better, etc. didn't make it so.

You tagged the real problem in your initial post - Your lack of self esteem.   A BPD is an expert at destroying that in their partners.  It's their method of controlling us.  You need to focus on how to build yourself up.  You're the only one that can do that and you know what?  You're worth it!

Good luck.  You are truly battling for your life.

[OutOfEgypt]

This may or may not help you... .On one hand, we are right to blame them for the things they did to us.  But on the other hand, we need to realize that we went along with it to a degree.  That is not to *blame* ourselves.  No way.  There is no reason to condemn ourselves for that.  Quite the contrary, it is to remind us that we have the power to change the way things our.

See, if everything sits in their power and we are just controlled little victims, we can really do nothing about it.  We only sit here powerlessly, like "emotional slaves," bemoaning what they've done to us.  And believe me, I know what that feels like, and there is a lot to "bemoan!"  But if that belief is really a half-truth and we really do have control and responsibility *for ourselves* (not for them) that we aren't listening to, then suddenly when light dawns we realize that we can do something.

I've been in your position.  It is easy to blame them for everything, or blame our low self-esteem, or blame this or that.  But when we do that all the time, something strange happens.  They get bigger and bigger in our minds.  Our "low self-esteem" problems get bigger and bigger in our minds.  Suddenly, they are giants, and we believe we are "powerless".

Even your subject-line reveals this.  Granted, BPD people can be extremely charismatic and they are manipulative and great at luring us in.  But the idea that you are an emotional slave... .he is not your slave-keeper, not your "master".  Unless he is threatening you with violence or something (is he?), you are giving him way too much power and turning him into something he is not.  He is a destructive person with a serious mental/emotional disorder.  But he is not God.

But you aren't powerless.  You aren't helpless.  The more you realize this, the more you will be able to stand up and, with the help of a good T perhaps, stand on your own two feet.  In fact, one of the things I saw during my own therapy was that ONE of the reasons I kept making my BPD ex into a big monster was so that I didn't have to really stand on my own two feet in this world.  She *is* a monster, for sure, but she's just a person.  So, I'm not minimizing anything he did to you, but I'm encouraging you to stop making him into the big bad wolf.  You have more power to do something and more resources than you know.  You just need to stop telling yourself how powerles you are (and stop listening to the messages he's giving you that appear to confirm it!)

The day we realize we aren't powerless victims is the day the tables turn and we start reclaiming our lives.

[Miss Topaz]

I came to this board to gather some courage inside myself to set me free but... .When it comes close to the end I BEG for him to stay. I'm weak, i'm stubborn and I refuse that the BPD side of him takes the final decision.

I dream of the day that I have a normal relationship. But then I look back and none of them was. BPD or not they were all unhappy ones. For one simple reason: My lack of self esteem. And now, in this r/s is a thousand times worse.  

He has two people inside himself. A loving dependable one. And the monster. And the second one is despicable. And when we fight and "it" wants to go away and end it all I look at him and beg him to stay. I try to tame the monster and bring the nice guy back but the twisted smile on his lips makes me think they both love the drama... .


Its so tiring... .So exausting.

Why do I stay? Do I like the pain? Do I need it? Am I so afraid to be left alone again?

I understand where u are coming from, although I do not think my bf enjoys the drama I am once again about to be gim to come back to me. I am still in the stage where I hope things get better ( if he comes back) as he hasn't yet gone through DBT or MBT.  I have had one other major relationship that was healthy but it ended with him cheating and I dumped him. I know I can dump and move on but I just haven't given up hope on this one yet. I too refuse for the BPD side of him to make this decision but I fear it finally has.

[MissTajo]

I too refuse for the BPD side of him to make this decision but I fear it finally has.

It's so frustrating to let the "monster" win... .

I don't know if next time he ranges if I am going to take it. I really hope I don't. I wish I had the strenght to let him go . Maybe then he would learn his lesson. Or never contact me again. But this, what we have... .Is to much for me to take.

[Miss Topaz]

I totally get you.

I am not even at the stage of wishing i could let him go. I wish I had the strength to believe he will come back without me making a move but I know i will make a move soon.

[HopefulDad]

Congratulations on taking the biggest step in self-help: Acknowledging that you have a problem... .

"My lack of self-esteem"

This is an enormous hurdle for anyone and owning it like you do takes a lot of humility, vulnerability and courage.

As you clearly get, that's not good enough, though.  What do you want to do about it?  Allow me to make a suggestion... .

Take the struggle of the pwBPD in your life as inspiration.  Imagine this person with his mental state not only acknowledging, but heading down the difficult path of working on it.  Imagine how much work that must be for someone wired like that.  Imagine how proud you would be watching him take on his demons.

Now look at yourself and ask, "Why can't I do the same?  Why can't I take on my demons?  Why can't I set an example to my pwBPD on how to take on the enormous challenge of change for the better?  Why can't I do what I wish my pwBPD would do?"

[MissTajo]

Congratulations on taking the biggest step in self-help: Acknowledging that you have a problem... .

"My lack of self-esteem"

This is an enormous hurdle for anyone and owning it like you do takes a lot of humility, vulnerability and courage.

As you clearly get, that's not good enough, though.  What do you want to do about it?  Allow me to make a suggestion... .

Take the struggle of the pwBPD in your life as inspiration.  Imagine this person with his mental state not only acknowledging, but heading down the difficult path of working on it.  Imagine how much work that must be for someone wired like that.  Imagine how proud you would be watching him take on his demons.

Now look at yourself and ask, "Why can't I do the same?  Why can't I take on my demons?  Why can't I set an example to my pwBPD on how to take on the enormous challenge of change for the better?  Why can't I do what I wish my pwBPD would do?"

I can see in his eyes that he is suffering when he has these attacks. And he can be so cruel to me... .Like testing me to see if I'm loving.

Without the ocd and without the BPD he is a loving boy. With those diseases he is out of control, unreliable, mean... .How can I live with both... .? If I love one and hate the other?

I'm working on my self esteem. But its something so deep inside me it will take a while to see some changes. But I'm working on it.

[HopefulDad]

Congratulations on taking the biggest step in self-help: Acknowledging that you have a problem... .

"My lack of self-esteem"

This is an enormous hurdle for anyone and owning it like you do takes a lot of humility, vulnerability and courage.

As you clearly get, that's not good enough, though.  What do you want to do about it?  Allow me to make a suggestion... .

Take the struggle of the pwBPD in your life as inspiration.  Imagine this person with his mental state not only acknowledging, but heading down the difficult path of working on it.  Imagine how much work that must be for someone wired like that.  Imagine how proud you would be watching him take on his demons.

Now look at yourself and ask, "Why can't I do the same?  Why can't I take on my demons?  Why can't I set an example to my pwBPD on how to take on the enormous challenge of change for the better?  Why can't I do what I wish my pwBPD would do?"

I can see in his eyes that he is suffering when he has these attacks. And he can be so cruel to me... .Like testing me to see if I'm loving.

Without the ocd and without the BPD he is a loving boy. With those diseases he is out of control, unreliable, mean... .How can I live with both... .? If I love one and hate the other?

I'm working on my self esteem. But its something so deep inside me it will take a while to see some changes. But I'm working on it.

It will take a while.  Change doesn't happen overnight.  I'm still on the long road to making changes, so while I may preach the suggestion, I myself have realized the suggestion isn't so simple.

[Michellinda]

I feel the same way. Why when they rage do they always want to break up? I am so heartbroken still. I feel like contacting him so badly. Please can someone tell me why if they fear abandonment do they leave? Do they want us to go after them? I am just so tired of this twisted game.

[OutOfEgypt]

Please can someone tell me why if they fear abandonment do they leave? Do they want us to go after them?

I think probably two reasons:

1. Control.  The goal is control of the relationship. If they can't have control, they panic.  They pull out their "super nice" persona.  They lure you back in.  They need control.  If they can leave you -especially if they can leave you in a heap wondering what went wrong and how to get you back- then they maintain control.  They can pull that string whenever they want, or they can just choose to find a replacement, or heck... .both.

2. Pushing away anything good for themselves.  Underneath it all, I believe they must destroy it.  They must sabotage the chance of anything good, but do it in such a way that they believe they are in the right and you are wrong (or at least pretend to themselves and others).


I don't know if they consciously want us to go after them.  Once they paint you black or hate you or are done with you, bam.  My ex could "grieve" me and "move on" in like one night.  But from experience, I know that they certainly love to know that you pine away after them and wonder what could've been.  Even if they don't want you, they like knowing you are still in their emotional grip.

[thereishope]

Why do I feel bad that I just want to run away and never look back?  Why do I feel bad that I'm considering leaving so much and he doesn't even know that I am here reading these boards day after day justifying why I feel so terrible here even when he seems to be acting "fine"... .Why doesn't it matter to me that he is quiet and keeps to himself, a sort of "pushing me away" subtly, the whole time he is here, unless he wants sex?

I feel defeated by my own emotions and stuck.

[OutOfEgypt]

Because you love him.  Because being attached to a person who turns away from you over and over and manipulates you HURTS.  Pretty normal.

Because even though everyone would like to think that we could be superman, resolutely trudging forward, and never chase after a person who does these things to us and turns away from us, we all have.  Not just people who have a BPD partner.  But all people.

[thereishope]

Because you love him.  Because being attached to a person who turns away from you over and over and manipulates you HURTS.  Pretty normal.

Because even though everyone would like to think that we could be superman, resolutely trudging forward, and never chase after a person who does these things to us and turns away from us, we all have.  Not just people who have a BPD partner.  But all people.

I did this to myself.

[OutOfEgypt]

In some ways, but cut yourself a break.  You're human.  It is only helpful to see what we did to ourselves in order to grieve it and correct it.  It serves no purpose to beat ourselves up over it.  Someone else already suffered for our mistakes and failings

[thereishope]

Very true, OutofEgypt….and Rom. 8:28 is still true too….

[Michellinda]

OutofEgypt- Thank you for your reply to my question. I am left so confused. I was sad the whole weekend but forced myself to go out with friends and do things. It's just shocking to me that I haven't heard from him at all. It really hurts. The day before his crazy raging we were looking at houses and he was telling me how much he loved me and not to break his heart and then he switches. I am in such pain. I know he will never change and I think I'm sick for wanting him back. I don't even want to date other guys. It's really heartbreaking. I am trying to be strong and get past this.

[MissTajo]

I have come to a point when I just know he is not the person for me.

He told me this weekend , as he always does, that he doesn't want kids. he just wants to be in his room, at his house (he lives with his mom) and play games on the Xbox. He wants nothing more. He doesn't want to work ever. Or have a family. Or responsibilities. So I'm just hanging in there. Waiting for some courage to end it. What makes me stay if pure stubbornness. I KNOW he can do better. He is just so afraid of being criticized _{(grew up with a not very loving mother but but somehow they cant stay away from each other... .)} So he just does nothing. All. Day Long. Sits, eats, sleeps, plays, runs, plays footbal. Nothing more. He doesnt even know what he is missing! The travels! The vacations! The earning of the money! The paying the bills! He knows nothing. And he refuses to grow up... .He just wants to keep being the little boy that stays at home... .But now he is 34 years old.