KrisK7
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 26
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« on: July 30, 2014, 08:38:07 PM » |
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I've been with her for a year now and things are falling apart.
It started magically, like most of you seem to say too. It was supercharged. Like nothing I'd ever experienced. I thought to quickly that I'd found the love of my life, I could barely believe it. And she reciprocated ten fold. It was incredible. I'd do just about anything to go back to that magical days of what I now know is idealization. We were inseparable. Lived 6 hours away from one another but still managed to see eachother every weekend, come hell or high water. We had a love that I thought could move mountains. Within months she became the air I breathed. I couldn't focus on anything but her. I was elated, never happier in my life. We quickly got engaged. I still feel the same. I want to marry her, have children, everything. She's my whole life and I wouldn't have it any other way. We moved in together after about 6 months. It was perfect. Finally waking up to her everyday was a dream come true. We had our dog and our cat and had the perfect Christmas together. She made my stocking, hung it up with her little brothers. We exchanged gifts, talked of all the Christmases to come in our future. Met each others family's for the holidays. They loved me. I still talk to her family with great love and care. They're wonderful people.
Suddenly things started to get a little tense. I didn't know how or when. But they did. We moved into a new home together, built our little life there. I thought things were perfect. I was happier than I'd ever been and thought, "finally, finally I've found what I wanted. This is my life and I'm so lucky." We had always known she was bipolar but somehow the episodes and emotions weren't right on the money for bipolar disorder. She'd have these horrible depressive days, yes. And I was there, through each and every one. She'd tell me, "God I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my rock." And through her mania I would calm her down, keep her from spending all of our money and binge drinking. She said I kept her grounded.
I should divulge something now, at this point in the story. We always had an "open" relationship. I had no issue with her sleeping around, as long as no emotions were involved. Very doable. I'd been in several open relationships prior and had no issues with it. But as time went on she would become obsessed with particular girls. I would begrudgingly deal with it, but make it very clear that it was overstepping boundaries. She would let up. And then it would start again, like clockwork, but another girl. I started really getting fed up here at this point. We had some rough times here. Twice in this period she got extremely intoxicated and struck me. The first time she thought I was flirting with someone (I was not) and broke my molar, punched me. The second time her ex was in the car and she was embarrassingly trying to get her to make out with her, and if I went anywhere near her, she'd slap me away and tell me to "stay the hell away from her." That was a very hard day. I had a total breakdown at home afterward when I walked in and another girl of hers was on the couch, waiting. She came in where I was falling apart in the bedroom and comforted me for a second. I told her through my tears that I felt like I "wasn't enough, I'd never be enough, why do you keep hitting me?" and she walked away after the tears stopped. She locks herself in the bathroom and shortly after the other girl and I hear her wince. Immediately we try to get in the bathroom. So she is wincing audibly and won't unlock it, so we have to literally dissemble the door handle and break in. As we enter, I see that she has been cutting deep gashes into her thighs with a knife. The first thing she does is look straight up at me and say, "This is your fault." It broke my heart. Probably the first time she broke my heart. But I knew she was highly inebriated and me getting angry with her would just make it worse. So I just tried to keep it together while we paraded around the house in a drunken fury. She ends up in tears calling her grandma about how much she misses her that night, and blaming it on that. I never really got over it.
I digress. During this period we have some very serious talks regarding our relationship. We set some boundaries and decide that we are worth working through the trouble for. So the relationships stop with other girls, but not the sex. And I just try not to be so jealous. So things get really good for a long while. Things are great even. Then she gets this big opportunity to pursue her sports dreams in NY for the summer. We don't really have the money and I'm scared that she may change, but I love her enough to support her anyway. In the week before she decides to go or not she tells me that she is hesitant to go because she loves me so much and doesn't want to leave me and the girls. Also when I ask her out of the blue (admittedly we were on a substance) what she would do if I left (stupid I know) she bursts into tears and tells me she can't even imagine life without me. It turns into a beautiful, tender moment where I promise that she's my forever, my person, and I'd never even dream of leaving her.
So she goes to NY and things are fine at first. We've done long distance before so it shouldn't be too hard, right? I'm the same supportive, loving, attentive lover I've always been. And for two weeks it's fine. Then it's like I wake up one morning and I don't even recognize her. She barely wants to speak to me, or see our dogs (she is usually very upset when she's away from the dogs). I can barely get a few words out of her. All the I love yous and I miss yous seem forced and obligatory. I start to get very distressed and depressed, as she starts meeting girls again. She develops another relationship that I find out about and it hurts me dearly. All summer things get tenser and tenser and I relay to her that I feel unwanted and like I'm putting in all the work and she's giving up. I'm taking are of our animals all summer and our bills so she can play her sport, and she stopped caring about her sport and just starts binge drinking and smoking pot all day every day. Does coke after a while and I put a quick end to that (I have a past with dating drug addicts and won't tolerate hard drugs). Things get so bad at one point I have to fly up to NY for a week to fix things. Reason never gets to her, so the only way I've ever been able to get through to her is to be rather heavy handed in my tactics. I have to trap her in her house and berate her on how she has been neglectful, treated me like dirt, used and abused me, and I don't deserve it but I love her enough to forgive it as long as it won't happen again. Things get better, this week is wonderful. Then I leave and it all falls apart again.
We meet in a tournament in the south, the same one where we met initially last year. She's already distant by the time she gets there. I get drunk and feeling unwanted, give in to the charms of someone and sleep with them. Just casual, one time. She finds out and goes ballistic, even though she came with two girls she was sleeping with. Tells me that she doesn't love me anymore. The second heartbreak. Once she sees me fall to pieces she immediately says she may not have meant it, just said it to hurt me. I have a total meltdown. She's distant and dismissive all week.
We leave and we get into very tense conversation through texts. Turns out the girl she actually drove 12 hours with and is sleeping with is fed up too, and we quickly become friends. This girl tells me that not only has my fiancee been lying to me, she's been telling this girl that she has feelings for her. Additionally, this girl is narcoleptic and is it not safe for her to make the drive home alone. But my fiancee gets an offer from this new girl to stay in Tennessee and fly home. The girl driving, we'll call her A, begs and pleads for my fiancee not to do this to her - she could die! My fiancee doesn't care, she goes anyway. So I'm not only floored by the fact that she's been lying, but that she would do something so irresponsible and cruel to someone who was atleast her friend. I'm flabbergasted. Truly, the woman I fell for must be dead. There is no way, I think, that this monster is the girl that stole my heart with her love of animals, children, tender personality, and voracious humor.
I'm broken. This was three days ago. We get in a big fight and she tells me that we can have one more day together to reminisce in our home, the place we built together, and then it's over. But in between then she's spending the next few weeks in Tennessee with this new girl, then TAKING HER TO OUR HOME for another undetermined amount of time. I'm at my wit's end. I'm trying to be caring and just make it to that day because I hate having personal issues through such impersonal means. I'm falling apart. But by god I still love her. Somehow I still have some hope in me that I can salvage this. Today she messaged me that she was feeling suicidal again and how hard her life was. I couldn't take it anymore. We've discussed BPD before and she said it sounded spot on but we never pursued it further. This time I told her that this was exactly what was wrong with her. Everything I've ever read fits her. It all makes sense. She agreed and says that she wants to get help, that she will get help when she gets home. But I'm still not in the picture. I keep asking her why? What happened? We were perfect one day and the next you just quit on me and our family and our life. She is so wrapped up in this new girl she uses her against me. Told me that I did this to our relationship. I gave her every thing she ever wanted and we were perfectly happy before NY.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love her and I've always told her that "If someone gives up on you, they never loved you anyway." I don't want to give up. How do I convince her not to either?
Sincerely,
A very in love and very frustrated person
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