Why is this relationship ending so different?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, how is this different from any other relationship ending? I mean sometimes I say to myself, "You've got this. What's the big deal. Move on." I've been co-dependent before. This isn't my first time. I didn't roll out of the fruit basket yesterday. Is it because I didn't get closure? That's part of it. But don't all relationships that end feel terrible, and we realize that the person we thought we were connected to really isn't who we thought they were? What is it about this particular disorder? I was talking with a friend yesterday who said, "Oh, are you still obsessing on her?" Like, I guess many people would have been over this in a month or so? Aren't all relationships an addiction of sorts on some level? Talk to me.

[KeepOnGoing]

So, how is this different from any other relationship ending? I mean sometimes I say to myself, "You've got this. What's the big deal. Move on." I've been co-dependent before. This isn't my first time. I didn't roll out of the fruit basket yesterday. Is it because I didn't get closure? That's part of it. But don't all relationships that end feel terrible, and we realize that the person we thought we were connected to really isn't who we thought they were? What is it about this particular disorder? I was talking with a friend yesterday who said, "Oh, are you still obsessing on her?" Like, I guess many people would have been over this in a month or so? Aren't all relationships an addiction of sorts on some level? Talk to me.

[amigo]

I have had those exact thoughts. I mean I have endured many break ups and I have been around the block too. All my friends are of the opinion that I should long be over him. I have other options etc.

So why is this so different. I think for me the intermittent reenforcement theory rings true. The fact that he was so inconsistent, and that when things were good they were so delicious. In other words, I have become addicted. Much more so than in a "normal" relationship. And I have closed my eyes to all the  , therefore I embraced a sort of fantasy relationship, and this fantasy continues on in my head.

I am sick of this already. I am sick of pining for this sick person, and I want to be healthy already. Tired of being weak. Tired of wanting something so toxic.

To go back to your original question. I thought about my previous (normal) breakups: There was closure. I fully understood (even though I often didn't want to believe at first) that the relationship was over. I had the ex bf make it clear, one way or another, that things were over, or I had made it clear. I have never recycled until I met my BPDex, whether I was dumped or I did the breaking up.

The BPDex however, will never make the end clear. In fact I asked him to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he said " I will never be able to say that" . So that is another big reason, why it is so different. If they don't say it is over, we unilaterally have to end it. (And even if they do - mine did at some point - they retract or reengage in some way.) And that (breaking it off against our wishes) is so incredibly hard, considering how much we care(d) for them.

[heartandwhole]

Hi KeepOnGoing,

I can relate to your post.  My previous breakups were difficult, but the one with pwBPD just knocked me out – it felt like a revisiting of every loss I ever experienced rolled into one. I barely even tried explaining it to my friends and family, because it seemed too difficult to describe the depth of the feelings I was experiencing.

These relationships are different, because a bond develops that is extremely "loaded."  It's like a parental bond that flips a switch in us, triggering needs that we have buried/compensated for since childhood. It also triggers coping strategies that were useful in the past when we were children, but maladaptive in adult (equal) relationships. The pwBPD seems to satisfy deep needs in us (and we for them), and the severing of the bond, often abruptly, brings up these past wounds and losses that we were ill-equipped to fully feel and process as children. As adults, we can learn more adaptive coping skills, grieve, learn, and grow. Tough lesson, I know.  

I don't know if you've seen this information, but it was extremely helpful for me in understanding that I was not experiencing the same relationship as pwBPD, and that I was hoping the relationship would "save" me.  At the time I got involved with pwBPD, I was in a vulnerable place, and that also contributed to the attraction.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf#3

BREAKING UP WAS NEVER THIS HARD

Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your

sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

Any of that resonate, KeepOnGoing?

heartandwhole

[Ventus2ct]

Closure for me was a real killer, or lack of it. Lovers in the morning, seemed to be going ok, then 2-30pm I had the "I love you but am not in love with you" and "I'm ready for a relationship but not with you" lines

I mean thinking back now, what the h*ll does that all mean?

I could understand if the relationship had been really awful (as in with a normal relationship) but completely out of the blue comes as a shock. My brain/heart couldn't comprehend it. Fine if we were a couple of teenagers but we weren't.

The bond issue is true, I saw a semblance of a situation with my father in her, I thought the outcome could be different, I thought I could change the outcome. It all walked away and resulted in a worse outcome than my childhood wounds.

The mere fact that someone can just walk away, no reasons, skip off into the sunset, seemingly happy, almost "cocky" with her decision made me understand what a complete "sham" the whole thing was, it was as if we'd never had a relationship, never mind loved each other. Like a discarded toy taken back to the shop for no reason to be replaced with another new shiny one!

It takes a lot for the brain and heart to work out what happened and why because lets face it, they certainly won't tell you.

[Infared]

I have had those exact thoughts. I mean I have endured many break ups and I have been around the block too. All my friends are of the opinion that I should long be over him. I have other options etc.

So why is this so different. I think for me the intermittent reenforcement theory rings true. The fact that he was so inconsistent, and that when things were good they were so delicious. In other words, I have become addicted. Much more so than in a "normal" relationship. And I have closed my eyes to all the   , therefore I embraced a sort of fantasy relationship, and this fantasy continues on in my head.

I am sick of this already. I am sick of pining for this sick person, and I want to be healthy already. Tired of being weak. Tired of wanting something so toxic.

To go back to your original question. I thought about my previous (normal) breakups: There was closure. I fully understood (even though I often didn't want to believe at first) that the relationship was over. I had the ex bf make it clear, one way or another, that things were over, or I had made it clear. I have never recycled until I met my BPDex, whether I was dumped or I did the breaking up.

The BPDex however, will never make the end clear. In fact I asked him to tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he said " I will never be able to say that" . So that is another big reason, why it is so different. If they don't say it is over, we unilaterally have to end it. (And even if they do - mine did at some point - they retract or reengage in some way.) And that (breaking it off against our wishes) is so incredibly hard, considering how much we care(d) for them.

I so identify. It is not like any other relationship that I ever had... .mine "left" me and ran off with a person she was cheating on me with. ... .but "I" had to actually end the relationship, by strict NC. It is really twisted and painful. ... .but yes, that is what I experienced, too. We pine for that mirroring/adoration phase... .but it just wasn't real and could not be sustained.

[ultramarine]

It's all very VERY familiar, what each one has written here!

It took me one full year to take the decision, and even during the no contact phase, I kept thinking of how good he was. I went on to date someone else, and unbelievably, kept on talking about how good my ex was and how much he loved me! 

Until one day a friend confronted me and asked me why I keep talking about a man who abused me so much. And that's when I realized, I had just not made a SINGULAR mental image of this man! 

For example while I left my other exes behind, I had clear and strong mental images of each one of them, that helped me DETACH: Too lazy / Too money-minded / Too much of an artist / Doesn't understand me / Too arrogant, etc.

But in the pwBPD case, I just couldn't conjure up ONE MENTAL IMAGE! Sometimes in my mind he was 'love' personified, while sometimes he was a demon unleashed! At other times he was 'comfort and security'. And then he turned into a deadly 'tornado' that destroyed everything in its path!

I'd suggest if you want to speed the up the detaching procedure, try to come up with one mental image for this person, the one that made you LEAVE. And stick to it. Yes, it's manipulative, but that's what helped me come out faster and cleared my confusion.

All the best! 

[Blimblam]

Do not forget the abuse we endured.

we have been traumatized by their abuse.

Often I tell people about the relationship and I am coming from a place of confusion trying to explain BPD. How this Bond was different.  How this is more powerfull than getting over a normal relationship. etc.  They don't get it and we are lost in some sort of bargaining.

The relationship was abusive and abusive relationships tend to follow similar patterns.

From now on I just tell people I am recovering from an abusive relationship that severely traumatized me. I survived it.

[survivalmode27]

It is because in other relationships you got loved back. True, unconditional love. So when you ended the relationship it because of another reason that was logical.

The whole reason I was attracted to my BPDh was because he did not fall all over me and give me everything like my other boyfriends had. He was mysterious and when he showed signs of affection he meant it. My father was much the same way. I had to earn his affection and praise. So that is what hooked me. The challenge.

So in leaving you are still wondering if you would have done this or that, or just tried a little harder would you have finally got that love, praise that you were looking for. The answer is NO, you wont. Maybe for a day or a week, an hr. But in whole No you wont, you never will.